Quit Settling for the Bare Minimum

I love love.

I love watching people fall in love,
I love watching love be celebrated in a multitude of ways,
and I love the act of making love.

It’s all just very…lovely. 

But the best and most extravagant kind of love I’ve experienced is the kind I naturally feel for my closest friends, family, and dog; the kind I get when I’m taking the first lick of ice-cream on a profusely hot day; and the kind of electric surge I receive when I’m connected to my favorite music while in the middle of a crowd during a music festival. They’re all different yet thrilling types of love that I’m grateful to know, but the very profound and exhilarating kind of love we feel for a partner who we’re intimate with and deeply attracted to, I can’t say I’m familiar with.

I believe the reason why I haven’t experienced this love — and perhaps it’s the same reason for you, too, so I’m going to say it for both of us — is because: 

We accept the bare minimum…

Then we are easily heart-broken when a partner stops trying to initiate, invest, or even try to achieve just that tiny minimum…

And we love love so much that we’re willing to settle for the next best bare minimum granted to us because we don’t want to believe we’re broken or unworthy of being loved – even if that means accepting a love that’s not nearly as fulfilling as the one we truly crave and desire. 

Phew….that was a lot. Take a deep breath with me because that’s not easy to admit, but it’s very necessary in order for us to move forward. 

Alright…got that deep breath in? Well take one more because this acceptance of mediocrity ends — right here, right now. We’re gonna rewrite this narrative and act accordingly to one that’s more empowering, positive, and beneficial. 

 

 

• So they’re “really nice” and “super sweet” to you…

Great! I’m happy that they’re nice to you but this is not an accomplishment;  it’s a prerequisite. They’re supposed to be nice to you, just like everyone else is supposed to be nice to you — whether they’re attracted to you or not. And although there are some mean outliers, we all need to give and expect kindness from one another. Please do not grant such high rewards to someone for performing such a minor and basic piece of what it means to be a decent human being.

 

• So they respond to your texts and talk to you pretty much every day…

I don’t understand the whole “let me not show too much interest by ignoring their text or waiting until tomorrow or next week to respond so that person will like me more” mentality. If you believe in it, that’s fine – you do you. However, if you also believe that a person texting you constantly is because they “just can’t resist” not talking to you for more than a day or two; thus, you’re convinced they’re madly in “like” with you (I’ll spare the intensity that comes with saying ‘in love’), let’s just pause for a moment.

Talking to someone we like and/or are dating on a daily or semi-daily basis is what naturally happens because we want to be a part of that person’s day, a part of their thoughts, and a part of their life. We do this with our family members and our closest friends because this is our normal way of remaining connected and in contact with people we enjoy talking to and being around. 

Therefore, this is not a favor. This is not going above and beyond. No one deserves a medal for wanting to talk to you.  In case you needed a reminder: you’re fucking DOPE. Of course this new person your dating should want to talk to you!!! Don’t give them a cookie for it; the fact that you’re responding IS the cookie! Own that.

 

• So they want to see and hang out with you often…

I might start sounding like a broken record here, but the more times you and I both hear this, the better: You are awesome, you are fun, and you are a valuable presence for anyone to have in their life. You do not need to be eternally grateful to anyone who recognizes it and naturally wants to be around your radiant energy.  

Think about it this way: do you show up at birthday parties and hand a gift over to the birthday person saying, “oh my gosh thank you so much for allowing me to give you this gift!” ?

Of course not! Your presence and your time is the gift, and the actual present is the bonus! You need to hold this same idea when you’re giving your valuable time, attention, and presence to someone you’re dating. They should want to see you often. Period.

• So they make you feel like you’re the only girl in the world (cough* typically in bed *cough)…

I wrote this in reference to Rihanna’s song Only Girl, but this holds true for men as well.

Let me make this clear: if there is a mutual agreement between both parties regarding their relationship as a “friends with benefits” deal, then phenomenal! So long as both parties agree to the terms and conditions signed by their partners and everyone’s needs are being met, there is absolutely, positively nothing wrong with this. There’s always advice, opinions, and established principles depending on other parties speaking on the topic, but ultimately this is extra noise because the only rules in a FWB situation are the ones made by the participants. Because of this, FWB deals can be highly beneficial and very fun, but because us humans are flawed and complicated beings, FWB deals don’t always go as smoothly and blissfully as we’d like..  

That being said, if you’re with someone right now and are somehow connecting dots in your head that justify why it’s okay that the only time they can find time to hang out with you and make you feel like a special person in their life is at night when you’re both alone in bed, then you are dealing with someone who has independently signed, and closed, a Friends With Benefits contract without your signature and consent.

If you’re really not comfortable with this, then your needs are not being met and you’re settling for the bare minimum with hopes that this person will just one day wake-up and rip the contract to shreds. And I can almost guarantee, this won’t just happen out of thin air. 

So if, during the next thing I’m about to say, you feel a dagger in your tummy, or tension and anxiety, or all of the above, then that is an even bigger sign that this is something you need to do for yourself: 

Cut them off.

OR

At the very least, communicate your boundaries and expectations around what you are willing or not willing to consent to anymore. 

Just a heads up: that crippling tension in your gut telling you, “No, don’t do it!” is only there because you have become comfortable with and dependent on receiving the bare minimum. You’re not being high maintenance nor are you asking for “too much” if  you’re looking for a relationship or something more meaningful and longer-lasting than your current situation. My friend, you deserve the shiniest platinum, super exclusive, highest quality kind of love this world has to offer, and you cannot receive that if you’re going to keep settling for the petty bullshit you’ve been given.

If you can’t communicate that you’re uncomfortable and/or set boundaries around your needs and wants in a relationship then that person isn’t for you. Congratulations, you were able to identify them sooner rather than later. But if you can communicate, and they can reciprocate, listen, and change their patterns, then kudos to you — you probably found a “real one.” 

Please also know that it’s okay if you’re not ready today. I’ll just leave this last point I want to make on the topic right here: You owe it to yourself to feel happier, more confident, and more satisfied TODAY – right here, right now – not tomorrow, not next week (when you’ve hooked up with them “just one last time”), and most definitely not next month when XYZ happens. You deserve it N O W. 

 

• So they told you up front that they’re not looking for a relationship…

Seems to me this has been a growing trend. People are being more honest and upfront during the first one or two dates, and some are even going as far as to warn a person the first few messages in. It appears promising because for whatever reason the act of honesty seems foreign and untraceable in the millennial generation and dating culture. 

But alas, this is not a God-sent angel who is “so different from the rest of the people you’ve ever met because they’re being honest instead of ghosting you.” 

If you even THINK that there’s a tiny sign, possibility, or small door of opportunity for that to change (and by “that” I mean their lack of craving for a relationship), then my friend you need to run.

Going back to our previous point about FWB deals, if you’re 1000% okay with hooking-up with a person for your own sexual satisfaction, experimentation, and/or interest – then by all means, I am here for it and I am here for you! 

If you’re only 999% interested in a FWB deal because you’re kindof, sortof wanting an actual relationship this time around, then do not — I repeat — DO NOT accept the bare minimum. You DO NOT go on from here convincing yourself that you can change this person. I don’t care how drop-dead gorgeous, painstakingly hilarious, unbelievably genius, or whatever that you are – If it’s a relationship that you’re ultimately looking for, then you keep your horizons open for that, and nothing less.

The more you settle for what you don’t want, the longer you will wait and the more frustrated you will become on the journey toward what you do want. 

 

• So you feel like this person is your person – they talk to you daily, hold deep conversations with you, hang out with you and take you on dates, and even hook-up with you as if they belong to you and only you  –  but it’s all behind closed doors. In public, they treat you like a friend and have openly refused to commit to an exclusive relationship with you…

You already know the answer to this. 

If you want to be exclusive, you don’t settle for something casual. 

Perhaps the sooner you stop half-assing the way you go after what you want, the sooner the Universe will stop reciprocating half-assed returns. I’m sorry if that hurts to hear, but you’re worthy of a full-assed effort.

 

I might not have fallen in the kind of love that’s truly unconditional, relentless, messy, yet utterly beautiful and undying as I hope that I someday will, but I’ll tell you this much: I’m so sick of settling for all the contingent, restricted, incomplete, and lackluster kind of love I’ve been so quick to accept. If that’s all I’m going to have when it comes to love, then quite frankly, I don’t want it. I’ll wait for the real deal. 

If this is how you feel too, then join me! Let’s start investing in what’s meaningful, what matters, and what fills our hearts so full that it bursts at the seams and leaves us with a sense of pride and inspiration. That means that we will give what we want in return, and if that energy isn’t reciprocated then we’ll simply reinvest it back into ourselves. No more exhausting our energy in hopes that the harder we try, the further we’ll get. No, no, no, we will save ourselves. We will love ourselves. We will pursue what we desire for ourselves. And we’ll keep doing that until someone who fully appreciates us won’t just settle on the bare minimum to have us, they’ll go the extra mile…and some.

 

XOXO,
Sab