Changing Our Relationship With Death

This is for you Mikey…I know you’d want us to keep living the best life we can and do so while cheers-ing to you. You will be so deeply missed.

A Challenge to Test & Stretch Your Mental Health

Why you might want to consider giving cold exposure a try, and all the ways your mind will thank you for doing so! (Plus some bonus reflections from Sab and her experiences with ice-baths!)

Noticing isn’t the only thing we can do, but it is certainly one of the first, most beneficial, skills we can learn as a means to process and heal from a painful memory that’s being expressed in the body.

A Hard Pill to Swallow

“We can only go as far with a person as they have gone with themselves.“

This is a hard pill to swallow because it means, for our own sake, sanity, and health, we might need to let go of relationships that no longer serve us in the same way they once did or in the way we were so convinced they would. This comes with doing the work to realize our potential, our worth, and our value; however, it also comes with understanding that those relationships didn’t intentionally aim to hurt us.

And still, we must let them go.

Going as far with another person “as they have gone with themselves,” is meant for us to think of the concept: inner work.

Whether done through journaling, going to therapy, practicing mindfulness, studying different psychological or philosophical guiding principles, other methods, or all of the above, inner work means deepening your understanding of yourself, others, and the world. Doing inner work helps us move through fears, limitations, insecurities, addictions, loneliness, depressions, anxieties, and feeling unwholly. It’s not meant to be the most pleasant, easy, or quick journey for any of us, which is why we’re all secretly terrified of venturing on it’s track in the first place. Nonetheless, it’s still an incredibly enriching, empowering, and rewarding path toward growth, finding true joy and freedom, living in harmony with others, and healing. Not to mention the momentum it generates by inviting and inspiring others to do the same.

I digress…inner work is important, plain and simple. The issue is that not everyone chooses to do the work. To each their own, but when others don’t do the work, we’re often left feeling like maybe we should wait until they do.

I’m here to tell you not to.

If more often than not you’re finding yourself in relationships that feel one-sided, like your left with unanswered questions and unease (after having inquired or communicated your needs), like you almost have to beg for validation and worth, or to be being heard and respected, and as if you rarely feel important, safe, or valued, then I’m willing to bet it’s not you. In fact, I’d encourage you to reevaluate what’s keeping you in the loop. What’s keeping you waiting for another person to “come around” when it’s costing you a broken heart and lowered sense of confidence and self worth?

Is it perhaps that this is a learned coping mechanism as a means to feel a sense of safety – even if it’s a false one?
Is it protecting you from facing a hard truth you’re not ready to accept?
Is it because you feel hope in the role they were “supposed to” play, whether it be as a partner, family, or friend and your mind doesn’t want to let go of that fantasized reality?
Is it scarier to let go and accept the empty void for a little bit than to constantly have to convince someone to understand or value you?

So many of us are misunderstood or held to an inaccurate narrative because it allows them to avoid facing their own shame, fear, and pain. It’s not that they don’t want to understand us, they simply can’t because the inner work has not been done. Their current defense mechanisms, lack of coping skills, and inability to communicate clearly are a reflection of how much self-exploration, -discovery, and -healing they’ve done (or haven’t done). That has nothing to do with you.

Therefore, the questions about their why – why they can’t just listen better, why they can’t hold space for you, why they can’t communicate clearer, etc. – cannot and does not have any connection to you. The answer does not lie in you, what you didn’t do or say, or what you could’ve done or said.

Cut all that out.

Instead, start working toward how you can go deeper within yourself to let that person go. Start working toward deepening your self-acceptance and self-compassion. Start working toward opening up your heart to a tribe or community of people who will listen, who will hold space, who will communicate, who will accept you, and who will love you for who you are, exactly how you are. Start working toward cultivating a greater self-love that no one else can determine a “max” or place a cap on.

Sending you strength, courage, and self-compassion as you embark further into the New Year. Cheers to 2023!

Xoxo,
Sab

Healing Poor Body Image: A Poem

Image: Getty

When you’re feeling down, please read this back to yourself as many times as you need. ❤

I keep getting sucked in,
like a tornado swirling me ‘round.
Negativity will heavily anchor me
and I’ll feel myself breakdown.

There’s nothing quite like wanting
to crawl right out of your skin;
Of being trapped inside a body
you don’t feel at home in.

The tears that stream out my eyes
Burn like embers in a fire,
Why do I crave to shrink so bad, 
when my heart can strive much higher?

It’s the awful subliminal messages
and the bodies I’m told are “perfect.”
I was taught to reject the one I have,
and believe that I’m not worth it. 

But it’s mine I need to admire
and remember is beautiful as is
because it’s more than a size or number
and its not the source of my happiness.

‘Cause no one will show up to my grave
and say “I loved her slender body.”
They’ll say “she cared & loved so hard;
it was the kindness she embodied.”

We forget that our lives are short
and that there’s so much left to see;
When we’re obsessed with being small,
we lose sight of all that we can be.

One day I’ll have clients,
maybe a son, maybe a daughter.
I want to role-model a life fully lived
Not as a victim or a prisoner.

That’s what we are when we slave away,
to the fitness industry;
We let it control our life
and only feed us insecurity.

Today I’m doing better,
the anchor no longer holds heavy.
As I practice more self-care,
I relearn how to fully love me.

So I’m here to tell you keep fighting,
for a life beyond the gym.
Although some days are harder,
You are stronger and you will win.

Remember healing is not linear.
We all go back and forth,
but focus on the progress,
I promise, you’re more than you think your worth.

XOXO,
Sab

Therapeutic Tears

I recently started going back to therapy again…

And it’s not for any other reason than the fact that: finding balance in life is H A R D.

Our culture revels in that never-stop-the-grind mind-set, so most of us place too many expectations on ourselves because that’s what we think we’re supposed to do. For me, it’s that I want to be a great student, AND a great employee, AND a great girlfriend/friend/daughter/sister, AND a great writer, AND a good shuffle dancer, AND be healthy and fit, AND improve my jiu jitsu game, AND still have time to clean/do laundry/meal-prep/play with my dog/sleep, AND and…and…anddddd….

If you’re like me, within each of your own categories are subcategories in which you list all the things you need to do to be a great student, employee, gf/friend/daughter/sister,  etcetera and etcetera. Thinking about all of that all at once had me trapped in crying spells. Any time I went to do homework, or if my boss asked me to work longer, or if I forgot to call back my friend, I was up to my eyeballs in anxiety and self-pity. Although I knew crying can be very therapeutic, I still had the notion that crying was unproductive, so it only made me feel more incompetent.

But here are a few things I gained from my last therapy session that might help you, too:

1) Crying can actually be a significant form of self-control. Being overwhelmed is very much a part of the human experience and that is okay! Tears let us release cortisol and other toxic chemicals in the body so that we can clear the fog in our brain and refocus on what needs to get done first; therefore, when we allow ourselves to get in a good cry when it’s needed, we’re actually being more productive than we think.

2) Telling ourselves “not to think about it” (as a way to protect us from feeling too stressed out or overwhelmed) only keeps the nagging thought coming back. Why? Because we do, in fact, have to think about these things! They’re valid worries that need to be taken care of. Ignoring our problems and responsibilities doesn’t make them go away, it only keeps them coming back with a vengeance. Whether it be that you let yourself feel the overwhelm and cry it out, or you take a 10 minute break to make a list and take a breather, or whatever it is, do what you need to do to get your head back in the game.

3) To find balance in life is to know how and when to prioritize REST. How many of you know someone who spends their whole weekends, or time after work, or their vacations in a chronic state of ‘I-gotta-get-something-done’? This is how we can quickly lead ourselves to burn-out, feeling resentment, and being extra sensitive and moody. Sleep should not be the only time we let ourselves shut our brain and body off. We are much better workers and people when we can prioritize rest throughout our day/week.

Un dia a la vez…

In other words, one day at a time, my friends. I hope whatever stresses might be running a muck in your brain this week that you can find peace in it. Sending wellness vibes your way…

XOXO,
Sab<3

Is the “L” word really that intimidating?

What I adore so much when talking about the “L” word, is that everyone’s version of it is vastly unique.

To understand love better, or to know what we’re “supposed” to be on the lookout for when we’re actively seeking out a partner to fall in love with, I think most of us try to narrowly categorize what love is and what it feels like. Truth is, though, our experiences behind each and every relationship in our lives (romantic, social, and familial) are just too different. The love I feel for my Mom might be similar but it’s not the same kind of love I feel for my best friend, and that’s because I share different experiences with each person. I believe this is the exact reason love is such a hard phenomenon to describe.

A few weeks ago I wrote an article about not settling for the bare minimum (in so many words, by “bare minimum” I meant “half-assed versions of love”). Early in to that article  I vaguely mentioned these contrasting versions of love; however, I also mentioned that the kind I didn’t know personally was the intimate and committed kind that we feel for our partners……….and, well…I want to take that back now. 

Maybe it’s not lOvE… I already know some would reckon that it’s too early to call it that, but one thing I know for sure is that it’s definitely more than just a “liking.” Perhaps the next stage is “like-like” or super like, but even if those terms have potential to be correct, what I’m feeling is way stronger than that. The feeling I’m experiencing is one of appreciation, adoration, admiration, and gratitude. I feel safe, I feel a new place in my heart opening up and it feels like home; I’m in a trance, and I have no intentions or desires to get out. 

Could that be the “L” word? And if that’s the “L” word, why are we so intimidated by it? Why do we tread around it with such caution? Is it really all that scary?

If you can’t tell, I’ve naturally had some time to ponder these questions…

I’ve heard that love is too strong of a word and it shouldn’t be used lightly but, personally, I use the word often with friends, family, and things or activities I really enjoy….except when it comes to intimate relationships. I, too, have seemingly been programmed to adopt the oh-so-common belief that love is scary, intimidating, and should  be stated only if we’re sure it’ll be reciprocated (otherwise it’s embarrassing). I, too, have thought that saying “I love you” is like walking on egg shells. I get it.

Plus, with the wide-ranging amount of definitions behind the “L” word (AKA: personal experiences, as well as the ones we’ve witnessed), it’s understandable why such negative misconceptions are easier to latch onto. Love oftentimes get a misconstrued reputation because we place it at the face of other painful experiences, and that conditions us to think that Love is synonymous with disloyalty, broken promises, false hope, and maltreatment. We know those aren’t acts of love, but we still fear the possibility so showing emotions, telling others how we feel, going out of our way to go the extra mile, are just a few subtle expressions of love that have taken a hit. And it shows in how offset we are by the word. 

All I know is that we have only one life to live, and I don’t want to spend mine fearing the very thing that adds so much meaning to it; the thing that is so breathtakingly valuable to my joy. I hope you don’t either, so here are some reminders to keep in mind about the “L” word…

• It is kind, it is peaceful, and it universally binds us together

Although Love is not culturally universal (because of the arbitrary ways it’s expressed and internalized); our capacity to Love is. When we show up for others, when we give our best selves to a relationship, project, or another, and when we practice self-compassion, we are becoming one with ourselves and one with the other people in our lives. 

It might seem like Love is synonymous with emotions like anger, jealousy, or sadness (because sometimes we think that these emotions are brought forth out of love), but we must let go of this notion. Love can come after experiencing anger, jealousy, or sadness, but these emotion are not synonymous with Love.

For example, I get angry when my best friend looks down on herself. My anger might seem like it’s coming from a place of Love, but my anger is not Love. Me reminding her of all her greatest qualities, how worthy she is, and how much I appreciate her as my best friend is love.

The more we come to understand love in this context, the better I think we can be at both expressing it and receiving it. Love will always be kind, peacefully, and bring us together as long as we remember what real love is. 

 

• just a small drop has the capacity to develop, expand, rise, and multiply

It’s no question that love is contagious. When we witness someone falling in love, what do we see? They’re giddy, they smile more, they put forth more effort into their pursuits and goals, they walk with their head held a little higher, their chest a little broader, and they’re more apt to say yes to new opportunities.

Think about it this way: when a candle shares it’s light, does it dim? Nope, it does not; the light just keeps spreading from one candle to another. The same goes for how we experience and express love — it can develop, it can expand, it can rise, and it can multiply. Never underestimate its power.  

 

• it catalyzes our potential to live life to its absolute fullest — which is especially true when we experience pain around it

When we can appreciate Love for all its grandeur — the highs and the lows, and everything in between — we can give our all to others. And even if it’s not always reciprocated, we can trust that we were able to change someone’s perspective, even if just in the slightest.

I have dated plenty and loved none, and although I was much more scared of getting hurt before than I am now, showing kindness, care, and consideration for all those who didn’t reciprocate it the same way turned out to help my self-compassion, -confidence, and -esteem more than it hurt it. Here’s why:
1) I had to learn how to fill the void in my heart through myself and the already established (and cherished) relationships I had. What took me so long to realize was that just because the bartender wasn’t there, didn’t mean I was drinking (or living my life) from an empty glass. And,
2) I choose to believe that whether I left a mark in the heart of those I dated before, or if I was just someone they knew in passing, I’m being the change I wish to see in the world. Trying to show more care, giving chances to new people and experiences, and offering the benefit of the doubt are examples that I believe the world needs to see and normalize more. Those acts do rub off on someone along the way, and just because we don’t see it happening behind the scenes doesn’t mean we should stop. That alone is enough.

So even when showing less intense versions of love (acts of kindness, consideration, and empathy) has brought some heart-ache and pain, I know that it has taught me how to do better, be better, and love harder. And now that I’m in a relationship that actually does feel right, real, reciprocated, and undeniably…amazing?…I am confident in my abilities to give my all to it and the new journey he and I are embarking on. Call me cheesy, but trusting in the power of Love, no matter what happens, is enough for me to know that this adventure is going to be worth everything I put into it. 

 

• it has the power to heal us from the inside out

This is a two way streak because we have to let Love in (from others and ourselves) in order to experience it’s healing abilities. Practicing self-love has been the biggest game changer in how I view myself, my body, and my potential; however, it has also made it so much easier (and significantly sweeter) to let love in when I’m experiencing it through the acts and behaviors from others.

If I can’t believe myself when I say that I’m worthy of feeling sexy, receiving kindness, and being fully accepted for who I am right now, then how I can believe (and appreciate) my boyfriend, for example, when he tells me that I’m sexy, when he opens his heart to me and proves how accepted I am, and that I deserve to be treated with all the kindness he covers me with daily?!  

When we love ourselves, we’re less resistant to letting in love from others; which only strengthens our hearts, encourages us to express love more often, and opens us up to receiving, accepting, and appreciating the love others want to give us. 

 

Perhaps we have nothing to be afraid of when using the “L” word. Sure, it’s powerful, but it’s gentle, too. While I still might wait to use it, I can most confidently say that I finally know, in my heart, what all the different versions of Love feel like. 

And damn does this version feel good.

XOXO,
Sab

The Garden Analogy of Dating & Relationships

Dating can be fun, but if you’re in the game right now — and looking at it from the perspective I did — then you may be thinking that there’s something wrong with you if no one has “worked out” yet. Every passerby feels like they’re just confirmations that you’re unworthy of a special kind of love and will likely spend the rest of your life single. You may have accepted it, but I have a fun analogy that I think might put this into a nicer perspective, and put you into a higher spirit…

I like to think of ourselves in love and relationships like a garden. Maybe you’ve heard this before, but let’s dissect it a bit more.

We’re the gardeners, right? So we’re meant to tend to our peonies, orchids, and roses, and every other gorgeous flower that represents our highest selves (like, for example, our self-compassion, self-kindness, and self-trust), and to pull the weeds (of low self-esteem, self-doubt, shame, and toxicities of any kind).

You may have a picket fence protecting your garden, and you may not, so sometimes people can look (while you’re making it known they can’t touch), or you may only open the gates of the fence slowly and carefully.  In any case, whenever you’re ready to show off this garden to the world and welcome some visitors (AKA: start dating), then as the sole protector of this garden, you have to be aware of what those visitors are doing, if they’re helping you water, or if they’re killing your soil.

Some visitors, you’ll find, meander around just to check out all the plants before deciding to walk out (oftentimes unannounced), or they might want to help you tend to your garden. Here’s where you have to be careful: I’d [optimistically] say that most of those visitors either
A) don’t always realize if they’re watering your precious flowers or if they’re watering the dreaded weeds, or
B) they only know how to water the weeds of their own garden so that’s how they’re watering yours…

In other words, I don’t think every visitor is out to completely rip your garden to shreds. But each one that came and didn’t fit in quite right probably showed you an area of your garden that needed more TLC; maybe they pointed out that the weeds you had growing were already out of control and needed tending to that they didn’t want to help with; Or they taught you that you needed to pay more attention and be more careful about who you let into your garden and who you give a watering can to in the first place. 

But even after all the visitors that walked out with a lack of interest, or who watered the weeds and dried out the flowers, or those whose gardens you admired from afar while wishing they’d just notice yours, you have to believe that there will be someone who will see, and love, and help you nurture your garden healthily and joyfully. Together, you’ll find a way to combine efforts and make one huge picturesque, botanical beauty.

Through your experience with faithless visitors — you know, the ones came and went — I promise your intuition will simply know the helpful, the genuine, and the right visitor when they come. They’ll likely peak their head over the fence (if you have one) and ask with a big smile, “Hi, can I come in?” 

They’ll walk forward humbly, slowly, but confidently. They’ll look over your flowers with a careful eye and will ask how they can be part of the process to help. They’ll be interested in how you’ve grown your garden, they’ll be gentle, respectful, and they’ll even volunteer to help you pull the dreaded weeds that everyone else before them had a problem with.

They’ll be diligent and adamant that they pull them by the root so those weeds don’t have a space to grow again. AND THEN they’ll replant new flowers that you didn’t know existed. Those will grow into breath-taking lotuses (and if you didn’t know about the lotus flower, it grows in muddy, murky conditions, yet when it blooms it’s unstained). 

So that’s not to say this special visitor won’t make mistakes; it’s not to say that they won’t accidentally slip up from time to time, forgetting to help you water certain areas of your garden (they’ll also be tending to their own garden, don’t forget!), but they’ll go the extra mile to fix their mistakes. They’ll bring their unique skill set — that is, their patience, their empathy, their listening ear, their ability to communicate, and their love — and the “deadline” to when they stop won’t exist.

Because that’s what happens when people aren’t playing ding-dong-ditch at your garden entrance; that’s what happens when caring gardeners want to join forces with other thoughtful gardeners who plant and pull weeds intelligently, but who also have ideas that could benefit their craft. 

All of this is to say, KEEP WATERING, NURTURING, AND COMPASSIONATELY TENDING TO YOUR GARDEN. Work on maintaining the nutritious seeds of patience, genuine kindness, and self-confidence into the foundation of your soil. Weeds may grow, but they won’t distract the right visitor, at least not early on. If they do, that visitor will have the heart to make sure those weeds disappear (they won’t poke and prod, water, and forget to pull them).

Remain hyper-vigilant of your garden. If anyone, and I mean anyone, brings on a sense that they’re questionable, then they are! Don’t take that lightly; your intuition is too powerful to not trust it. 

As a final note, remember that not all visitors are meant to stay — that includes the quick passerby’s and the super helpful ones who we thought and wanted to stay. Just because one really great visitor leaves doesn’t mean that your garden will die; don’t let that happen. We will always, always be able to keep supporting the flowers they planted even when they’re gone.

As for anyone else, keep a close eye over how they treat your garden. Open the gate for those who want out, and kindly guide the confused ones to the exit. The more space you have for the right visitor, the better! And once they peek their head over your fence, or at least keep showing up to the entrance until you invite them in, they will do whatever it takes to stay.

XOXO,
Sab

Can’t You Just Say You’re Sorry?

So you’re at the park playing with the other running, totally unaware, and I’m-just-here-for-a-good-time children. Perhaps you remember an occasion when you pushed another kid down, or whacked them in the head, or told them that you didn’t want to play with them because they’re [something not nice]. More than likely you did it to a sibling because they were being annoying (and when siblings are annoying, they need to be put into their place).

Either way, someone ends up crying. 

So, of course, some parents come running up to the scene, like the heroes they are, and try to mediate the situation. 

“Say you’re sorry!” they say with a stern voice. While you’re thinking to yourself but I don’t wanna…

They repeat the demand with a more intense tone. You might know that tone as meaning you’re gonna get it in the park or at home, so choose wisely. You manage to muster a pitiful, eye-contact-avoiding kind of “sorry” from your lips, and supposedly the situation has now poofed into happy sparkles in the air. Everyone’s happy, right? 

Wrong. 

Classic and accurate. 

But wait…let’s say you were the kid crying for the apology. You felt betrayed. You got hurt. You just wanted to play with and befriend the other child who did you dirty. You didn’t want to make the situation worse, you just wanted to feel validated, you wanted to feel as if you belonged, and you wanted some sort of permission to know that your feelings were okay and deserved to be acknowledged. 

Moral of the story: we’ve been both the apologizer and the apologize-ee. We’ve hurt and we’ve been hurt, but the act of apologizing is not instinctual. We had to learn it. That’s why our internalized views on apologies, their effectiveness, and the role they play in relationships, is highly dependent on what we learned from guardians and teachers who shaped those views.  For those of us who haven’t been given repentance from adults, elders, or other children when we needed it most, we more than likely have adopted the theory that apologizing equates to losing power, admitting a sense of inadequacy, or plain humiliation. Refusing to apologize may provide a feeling of empowerment and a greater sense of self-worth, but I’m going to let you in on a secret: that’s just your ego speaking.

We need to let go of the narrative that apologizing is what the “weaker” or “wrong” person does, and realize that apologizing is how we affirm our humanity. You and I know we’re not immune to making mistakes — that part is okay. What’s not okay is our lack of care, awareness, and compassion for others. What’s really not okay is letting our egos keep us from taking true responsibility for our mistakes. 

 

Ways to Ruin An Apology

I get it, apologizing is a vulnerable act; however, it’s an essential first step toward healing, owning the damage that was caused, and making amends to rectify the situation; therefore, apologizing matters! As adults, no one (usually) is there to say, “hey, you did/said a shitty thing, now you need to go to that person and say you’re sorry.” More than likely, no is reminding you that it’s better to apologize for a wrongdoing than to pretend like you’re owning up to your poor behaviors by oversimplifying the situation. 

Fake apologies or crummy ways of “taking responsibility” for a wrongdoing sounds like: 

• “Yeah, okay, you’re right…”
• “I get it, I was wrong…I’d be mad, too…”
• “It wasn’t like that…”
• “I’m sorry, but you made me [xyz]…”
• “I’m sorry YOU feel that way…”
• “Okay sorry, but…”
• “I’m sorry if I hurt you…”
• “Alright alright alright, I’m SOR-RY.”

These are not apologies.

These responses portray a few things that could be going on:

1. The person is experiencing a lack of awareness and empathy (which is why they can’t see the fault in their actions or see any “purposeful reason” for granting an apology at all) 
2. They are avoidant and fearful of being held guilty because the risk of such judgement will hurt their ego (which is seen in how they try to defend themselves, push blame on you for “making them” do whatever they did, and/or maintain a sense of perfection through their unwillingness to take responsibility for their actions)
3. They’re anxious — whether to stop feeling like the one in the wrong, to get out of an uncomfortable situation, or to avoid conflict — so they speed through a pitiful, emotionless, slap-a-band-aid-on-it kind of apology (usually masked under their sarcasm and quick jump to shut down the conversation)

If there’s anything I hope you take from this article, it’s this:

AN APOLOGY WITHOUT CHANGE
IS JUST MANIPULATION! 

So if you’re the apologizer — remember that your apology is invalid without a change in behavior or action to amend the problem.

If you’re the apologize-ee — remember that an apology without changed behavior wasn’t an apology (I’ll write more about what you can do about this later in the article). 

Granted you’re still reading this, I already know you’re old enough to make the choice to be mature about your actions. You’re old enough to know that when you make mistakes, you can always turn back around and say, “Hey, that wasn’t right of me. Excuses aside, I’m sorry I hurt you. This is what I’ll do to make it up to you…” And then do that! So here, 

This Is How You Lend a Real Apology:

 

1. Actually mean it! If you’ve hurt another person, but can’t find it within yourself to apologize, you probably have very strongly held beliefs around apologizing as a shameful act. In that case, more self-reflection and unpacking of those beliefs is necessary (and goes beyond the scope of this post). Inauthentic apologies are meaningless without action, and unless you genuinely care about mending the hurt inflicted on someone else, you’ll only continue to manipulate a relationship you might not truly value. And in that case, you’re more than likely dragging that other person along while inducing false hopes that you will do better. Please don’t do this.

2. Acknowledge your fault & their feelings. This is undoubtedly the hardest part of an apology because we have to learn how to accept that the vulnerability required to execute a genuine apology is highly necessary and absolutely essential.

Naming what you did wrong without blaming or defending yourself is key. Of course, your experience may have saw and interpreted a totally different reality (for example, maybe you thought what you were doing wouldn’t be taken offensively), so I do think that sometimes telling your side of the story can help another person understand the situation from a different perspective; however, that is not a freebie. Your explanation is still an excuse and it cannot be seen as a permission slip to avoid an apology nor is it a ticket to automatic forgiveness. 

Tips to remember:

• • Avoid the use of “if…” — this is not a matter of “if” you hurt another person. Saying things like, “I’m sorry if I offended you” or “Sorry if you took what I said offensively” are both examples of disregarding and denying your faults.
  • Avoid the use of “but…” — this is a form of justification and, just like saying “if,” it completely skips over that part where you fully acknowledge the pain you inflicted. Saying things like, “…but it wasn’t like that” or “…but you made me [xyz]” are two examples of contradicting an entire apology. 
  • Avoid the use of “I guess…” — Saying something like, “I guess I should’ve [xyz]” or “I guess I’m sorry” are obviously weak terms. Apologize like you mean it, don’t just guess.

3. Don’t make the person YOU hurt feel bad for being hurt. This is a very real privilege that the wrongdoer has, and that is the fact that they don’t have to feel the pain they inflicted. Guilt is one thing, but saying things like, “I really don’t know why you took it that way,” or “Why would you get so offended by [xyz]?” are both examples of how to inflict more pain because they’re invalidating another person’s experience and feelings. Perhaps try saying something like, “I’m sorry, that was insensitive of me. I want you to know it won’t happen again.”

4. TAKE ACTION.  The most important part to an apology is actually changing your behaviors from then on forward. That means being more attentive and mindful around your actions, your words, and the way you treat other people. This is not a chore that hangs like a cloud over your head, this is a highly valuable social skill. Being lazy and refusing to be more mindful about how you treat others is narcissistic and won’t get you too far in your relationships. Doing better — that is becoming a better version of yourself — as a friend, a parent, a sibling, a coworker, a son/daughter, and a stranger, is an essential part of living a true and meaningful human experience, is it not? 

To sum it up, here’s a nice drawing from @introvertdoodles:

 

Learning How to Accept Apologies

I’m going to keep this section as short and sweet as possible.

Accept or appreciate – then be done. Accepting an apology means you know a person messed up but you value the relationship enough to forgive and pursue maintaining contact. Totally cool if that’s what you choose to do. Appreciating an apology means you accept the apology, but don’t want to pursue maintaining contact with the other person. Totally fair decision. So you have the choice to accept an apology or simply appreciate it, but to dig for more out of an already granted apology or to completely disregard and reject one’s vulnerability in giving you an apology is unnecessary.

I can understand that sometimes when we’re wronged by a person then we want revenge or, at the very least, to give the victimizer a “taste of their own medicine.” But at that point you’re pulling a second wrong to top their wrong…and what did we learn as kids? Two don’t make a right, that’s correct. 

Let’s not forget to mention…I personally know people who belittle and annul other’s apologies (mine included) and from those personal experiences, not only does it naturally make me want to avoid apologizing ever again but it also further deepens the problematic situation. We can’t always expect apologies to lead to one problem-solving conclusion, but if it’s time you need to process the situation, then give that to yourself. If it’s self-forgiveness you need, then give yourself permission to work on that. But let’s be the bigger person.

Appreciation does not equal forgiveness. Just like an apology doesn’t always make everything all better, an apology doesn’t always equate to automatic forgiveness. If you’re not ready to forgive someone for their poor behaviors, that is okay. Moreover (revisiting #1 above), exploiting someone’s apology in search to extract “more” from the apology or from the apologizer is not productive to any situation. Not everything is forgivable so if that’s the case for you, then you can accept the apology by appreciating it was given, and moving on.

 

 

Forgiveness Without An Apology

So let’s say you’re waiting for an apology you might not receive. This can often feel like an excruciating waiting game…

But there’s two options you have here: instead of waiting for one (which usually gets you nowhere), you can communicate that you were, and are, still hurt by another person’s words or actions. The second option is that you can offer yourself closure, and move on. 

Every situation is different, but usually an overdue apology could very much be the clot plugging the artery. In order for the relationship to get back into a comfortable flow, one might need their hurt feelings and anxieties to be recognized and put at ease, respectively. This is perfectly normal. And what’s more, treading these waters needn’t be a struggle! Sometimes people aren’t always thinking about how they might have hurt us, they may not recognize your discomfort, or they might be trying to avoid conflict and/or an uncomfortable conversation altogether by sweeping it under the rug until its all “forgotten.”

In any case, saying something like “Hey, I’m still uncomfortable by this situation, and I feel ‘x’ when you did/said ‘x.’” Just a heads up, the more calm and collected you approach a situation, the more likely a person will respond with less defensiveness, so make sure you’ve granted yourself enough processing time to accept that an apology may be delivered and it may not. 

If a person refuses to apologize for pain they inflicted, you have two more options. After time has passed, you can ask yourself if the apology you wanted was really necessary to unplug the artery and keep things flowing. Sometimes it’s not, and that’s okay! There were plenty of times my brother had hit me, called me names, etc. (and vice versa), yet today we’re closer than ever. Sure, he’s family, but I can say the same thing about my best friend from childhood!

Oftentimes, however, these types of scenarios are what lead us to hold deeply subconscious grudges against people.. Ever heard about death by a hundred paper cuts? Yeah, this’ll do it. The paper cut is tiny, it seems minor, it seems like if you can just look past someone’s faults and keep flowing — even through a little crack in the clot of the artery. But that clot will keep slowing you down; it will keep blocking your ability to glide freely. And without properly set boundaries, this can often be a permission slip for people to keep acting up because now they’ve learned they can.

And here we are at the gate of: Know Your Gosh Darn Worth!! 

Closure feels important, how else does one explain the inexplainable? We just want answers, and then we can move on! But someone’s inability to apologize and make sense of an injury caused is not your responsibility to adopt. Everyone’s experiences in life vary; what they know to be right could be vastly different from what you expect from the world. Their reality is just as valid as yours, but if your energies don’t align then they’re not for you — and this stands true for both intimate relationships, familial relationships, and friendships.

I know, it’s easier said than done. It’s so easy to read Sab’s article telling you to know your worth, but I promise you that getting an apology from someone who didn’t (or doesn’t) want to give it to you will not leave you feeling any better than you do now. The only closure you can continue to give yourself is the affirmation that you are okay, you are safe, and the light shining over your life is not dimmed without them.

Giving yourself closure is a practice.
Knowing your worth in a world that is pushing you to internalize false subliminal messages about yourself is a practice.
Moving forward without an apology is a practice.

Please give yourself grace.

To all my peeps who might be finding it hard to apologize right now, this is for you. ♥

I can’t finish this post without showing a little remorse for the apologizer, too. While I will encourage and fight for more people to start learning how to apologize and actually engage in genuine apologies, they can be really difficult and leave people feeling extremely vulnerable. The higher the intensity of the fault, the harder the apology can feel, but don’t let “hard” be the reason you don’t connect with the true human experience. We all do wrong, and we all have been wronged — neither side feels good. But you do have the power to release yourself from the constraints of guilt, whether you’ll be forgiven or not. And even if that forgiveness doesn’t come, you can move forward knowing that you will do better, and be a better version of yourself, tomorrow. 

And for my apologize-ee: Let’s set our boundaries a little better, bring our standards a little higher, and offer ourselves more self-assurance by finding self-compassion in our pain, giving ourselves permission to feel it, and know that, despite the pain we will inevitably endure, we are, and always will be, whole.

Sending virtual warm hugs…

XOXO,
Sab

 

Sex, Slut-Shaming, and Self-Confidence

Header photo cred: @florencegiven

Sex can be confusing, dynamic, and sticky (metaphorically and literally). 

Maybe you already knew this, and that statement is relatively simple to comprehend. Perhaps you’d consider it to be “common sense,” but one thing that I’m willing to admit (and hope that you are, too) is that we don’t know very much about sex based on our own terms and experiences. We only know sex by how our culture views it. 

For average cis-gendered women, the topic and the act is exceptionally hard. Let me just list out the amount of contradictions and worries that are ingrained into how we’re taught to view sex: 

• Don’t watch porn because that’s immodest, but you should know or, at the very least, be willing to explore a number of positions.
• If you haven’t had many (or any) sexual encounters you’re probably prude. If you have, you’re a slut.
• You should know how to pleasure yourself, but if you have multiple vibrators by your bed stand you should be ashamed. If you openly like sex or talk about masturbation, you’re too bold, and that’s not classy or attractive.
• Your body is wrong – it’s either too fat or it’s too thin. If you’re satisfied with it, you’re settling and if you really like it, you’re conceited. If you’re changing it, you’re trying too hard.
• Shave your vulva, but don’t look like a little girl. Landing strips are weird. Keep it, at the very least, trimmed. At the end of the day, though, if you’re not shaving it off that’s just gross and lazy.
• The man should cum, otherwise you weren’t a successful partner. However, if you didn’t cum, well…sucks to suck. Once he cums, sex is over, so if you make it known that that’s not fair you’ll look too pushy. Accept it and move on…maybe you’ll get to next time.
  

I will blatantly admit that each and every one of these points have held me back from exploring and enjoying my own sexuality, and I know damn well that most — if not all — of them have stripped the exact same pleasure from other women.

While there is a desperate calling for more research and science behind women’s sexual pleasure, there is enough that currently paints a picture as to why women have a harder time achieving climax. These points highlight a huge part of that science because women require context. If nonsense like this is running through their head, it’s no wonder we’re so distracted from our pleasure.

It seems, however, that no sooner there is a push back to refute these statements — you know, so women can attain more autonomy, confidence, and compassion for themselves and their sex-lives — morality, ethics, and shame enter the picture and hold us back even longer. 

 

You didn’t have a choice before, but you have one now

You and I weren’t born into this world and given the choice on what kind of cultural beliefs we’d grow up around that would prompt a sex-positive or a sex-negative mindset. We didn’t choose to be ashamed of masturbation, a hairy vulva, or to believe that men’s orgasms go above our own. We also didn’t choose to internalize all the subliminal messages constantly bombarding us and exploiting our insecurities. 

But you do get to choose now.

Just like you learned how to ascribe to all of this ambivalence, you can learn how to unsubscribe and create your own compassionate, productive, and reassuring beliefs around yourself, your body, and your sexuality.

 

First, stop the slut-shaming

A good friend of mine and I were talking about the implications of women having high body-counts. I was adamant about arguing for women because I wholeheartedly do not condone to the idea that women automatically lose value, respect, or worth because they’ve slept with multiple men. 

My friend argued that he doesn’t want to be with a woman who has a high body count because, as he put it, “A lock that can be opened by many keys is not a very good lock, is it?” This is fair. I pondered his metaphor for a while and almost considered changing my stance (which is normal for anyone actively working to dismantle such deeply rooted cultural messages); however, I still can’t bring myself to side with the notion that any woman loses value, class, worth, or beauty for having a lot of sexual experience because I know one thing: a person’s decisions are made on a foundation of infinite factors that I (nor you) know anything about, so my judgments are invalid (just as yours are). And truly, at the end of the day, it’s none of our business.

Before I get into the rebuttal arguing that a partner’s past is our business for the simple reason that, as their partner, we have a “right” to know about it, let me explain two ways we must be more cautious of our first impression on other people’s choices. 

Firstly, a person’s past decisions consist of different parts: the context of the situation, the amount of knowledge and experience they had in that given moment, and what they desired in that moment. If it’s a hot summer day, and I know that I love vanilla ice-cream, I’m going to want vanilla ice-cream, but that’s not to say that months later, in the dead of winter, I’ll still choose or even want vanilla ice-cream. Maybe I’ll have a preference for oreo frozen-yogurt! Or maybe, based on experience, I won’t need or desire ice-cream or frozen-yogurt when I’m already cold.  

In any case, none of this determines what kind of ice-cream or frozen yogurt I’d choose today! It doesn’t tell you if I even like ice-cream or frozen yogurt anymore! 

In other words, our decisions are always pushing us forward, helping us learn, and facilitating our consistent growth. We have absolutely no idea, whatsoever, what prompted, say, a person like me to choose vanilla-ice cream last summer. If you really cared, then perhaps you could politely investigate (AKA communicate and ask questions), but to degrade me because you think that the more “woke” choice for me to have made would have been the Oreo frozen yogurt is a poor assumption. Your subjective judgment gives you absolutely no information about what I’d choose today, right now, nor does it define the kind of person I am today, right now. 

Secondly, decisions based in any given moment cannot always serve both our current selves and our future selves (or even our future’s partner’s expectation for that matter). Think about it this way: if a man is accelerating toward a sexual encounter, his mind is not thinking “one day, a woman that I love will be judging this moment of me having sex with [insert #] person and she may tell me she doesn’t find me valuable because of it…should I stop?” 

Is that not ludicrous?!? You may have even chuckled to yourself at the absurdity of this example, but if a man wouldn’t do that, why should women be expected to? Moreover, to hold an expectation over a future partner (someone we probably don’t even know yet) and thinking, “well they better not be doing anything stupid right now,” is narcissistic and completely unrealistic.

Certainly, we all have a list (even if just subconsciously) that hold traits and qualities we want in a future partner, so if you decide that your highest value centers around being with a virgin, or someone with a relatively low body-count, and it will not be compromised, then by all means, I’m sure you will find someone who upholds that same value! You do you, but don’t for one minute think that you’re superior to everyone else because you hold this value; don’t believe that anyone is automatically less valuable, worthy, deserving of respect, or beautiful as a person because they don’t hold that same point on their list.

Now, to come full circle, our sex-lives, sexuality, or number of partners is no one else’s business unless we choose to make it such. It’s understandable that when we love someone, and they love us, they will want to know everything about us, but that doesn’t make it their “right.” This doesn’t mean we must lie or should hide any part of ourselves (frankly if they can’t handle our truth, they’re not the one), but this is to remind you: No one owns you or your experiences, no matter how much they love you or how close they are to you. Disclose whatever information you want when you’re comfortable enough to do so. 

When it comes to friends/strangers….

If you’re prone to shame, cut-off, or presume you know all there is to know about a person based on one or two things they’ve done in their past (whether it be sexually, relational, or otherwise), you are losing an opportunity to gain more connection with and understanding for other people. You’re also letting your empathy muscle dissipate into nothing. I encourage you to, instead, ask more questions.

To all my dudes: contemplate the differences between men’s and women’s education around sex and their bodies. Have you lived up to the same standard you want your future partner to live up to? Have you ever congratulated another man’s sexual experience while degraded or humiliated the woman’s? Why is that? Why do you think other men do? How can you be part of the progressive change toward equally empowering experiences and education around women’s sexuality? 

To my fellow ladies: contemplate the real reasons you might be judging another woman based on her sexual (or otherwise) experiences. Does it really make them “dirty,” “impure,” or of lesser value? What do your beliefs say about your own upbringing in learning about sex? How and why does it affect you? Is there another positive way you can choose to believe that another woman’s choices are for her own empowerment, knowledge, and experience? We are not each other’s competition; we must be more supportive of one another. 

 

You’re allowed to like yourself 

Buuut…they don’t want you to like yourself. They don’t want you to believe that you are enough. They don’t want you to even think that there’s a possibility that all your parts are, look, and work normally, and that they are impeccable as is.

To like yourself in a world that yells at you to do otherwise is such a rebellious and revolutionary act. It defies centuries worth of efforts that have taught us what to believe, how to behave, or at the very least pretend, as an attempt to train, tame, and conform us into one way of being. However, because of this you must know one thing: 

In order to fully like and then love yourself and all of your parts…it’s going to get worse before it can get better.

I will write about this in more detail on future blog, but for now just know that because of the way our society has functioned for so many years, just love yourself may seem that simple, but it requires: 

• A grieving process  — to let go of the person you thought you had to be in order to make space for the beautiful person within to blossom 
• A high level of trust and vulnerability — to deconstruct old narratives and rebuild new ones based on your own trial and error 
• Courage and perseverance — to keep moving forward, no matter how high over the hill you have to climb in order to achieve body acceptance and unconditional self-love

Many of us think that being self-critical is productive. Underneath the self-loathing is this inherent belief that if we just hate ourselves enough, we’ll work even harder to achieve this thing – whether that be a certain level of sex-appeal (which is code for desirability), self-love (which is code for self-acceptance), and happiness (which is code for belonging and connection).

Therefore, letting go of this goal to be “aesthetically perfect” and “sexually pleasing” in every way means we’re also letting go of that deep sense of hope that we’ll eventually achieve this excellence that we’re so convinced will solve all of our problems. That’s a heavy grieving process, but giving yourself permission to go through it is step number one. 

We had to learn ways in which we were not enough, so now we need to relearn all ways in which we are. This is scary. When you were comfortable with knowing that you weren’t enough, that felt like a solid rock to walk on, so to implement practices that help you know that you are enough can feel like walking on thin ice. And sometimes that thin ice cracks. And sometimes we will slip and fall. 

To walk on that thin ice takes an incredible amount of vulnerability, but even when we slip, we must trust that that ice will not break. The best way around is through. Unfortunately, no one can offer you a step-by-step guide on how to navigate the ice to be successful the first time around, nor can they estimate how long you’ll be walking on it. What I can promise you is this: Your comfort on that ice will grow, and so long as you stay diligent on your journey, you will eventually come to find yourself walking on land. 

The choice to keep walking, keep slipping, and to keep finding your way through is perseverance and courage. And it is inspiring.

Photo cred: @queer.vibes

 

Keep doing YOU 

What do you believe in a world of contradictions, and confusing and exploitative messages? Who do you trust? 

The short answer: yourself. 

Only you can choose what feels right for you and ignore what doesn’t. The messages you see can seem exciting, the things you’re told can seem sincere, and the beliefs you didn’t choose to adopt, but are still there, can feel too deeply ingrained to scrape off, but no matter what, you don’t need to subscribe to any of that in order to create a more clear, black-and-white picture around how you view yourself and your sexuality.

Emily Nagoski, in her book “Come As You Are” flawlessly writes,

“When it comes to investigating and understanding your own individual sexuality…[y]ou don’t need to believe you’ll go to hell if you have sex before marriage in order to decide whether waiting to have sex is a good choice for you. You don’t need to believe you’re sick or broken in order to wish you could just take a pill and want sex out of the blue…
…Treat cultural messages about sex and your body like a salad bar. Take only the things that appeal to you and ignore the rest. We’ll end up with a different collection of stuff on our plates, but that’s how it’s supposed to work. It goes wrong only when you try to apply what you picked as right for your sexuality to someone else’s sexuality…
…No girl is born hating her body or feeling ashamed of her sexuality. You had to learn that…You have to learn as well, that it is safe to be loved, safe to be your authentic self, safe to be sexual with another person, or even safe to be on your own.”

At the end of the day, the only person who gets to live your life is YOU. Own your decisions. Own your sexuality. Own your untarnished beauty. And let other women own theirs. 

Photo cred: @Kinzco

Sending you joy, empowering vibrations, and love.

 

XOXO,
Sab

Quit Settling for the Bare Minimum

I love love.

I love watching people fall in love,
I love watching love be celebrated in a multitude of ways,
and I love the act of making love.

It’s all just very…lovely. 

But the best and most extravagant kind of love I’ve experienced is the kind I naturally feel for my closest friends, family, and dog; the kind I get when I’m taking the first lick of ice-cream on a profusely hot day; and the kind of electric surge I receive when I’m connected to my favorite music while in the middle of a crowd during a music festival. They’re all different yet thrilling types of love that I’m grateful to know, but the very profound and exhilarating kind of love we feel for a partner who we’re intimate with and deeply attracted to, I can’t say I’m familiar with.

I believe the reason why I haven’t experienced this love — and perhaps it’s the same reason for you, too, so I’m going to say it for both of us — is because: 

We accept the bare minimum…

Then we are easily heart-broken when a partner stops trying to initiate, invest, or even try to achieve just that tiny minimum…

And we love love so much that we’re willing to settle for the next best bare minimum granted to us because we don’t want to believe we’re broken or unworthy of being loved – even if that means accepting a love that’s not nearly as fulfilling as the one we truly crave and desire. 

Phew….that was a lot. Take a deep breath with me because that’s not easy to admit, but it’s very necessary in order for us to move forward. 

Alright…got that deep breath in? Well take one more because this acceptance of mediocrity ends — right here, right now. We’re gonna rewrite this narrative and act accordingly to one that’s more empowering, positive, and beneficial. 

 

 

• So they’re “really nice” and “super sweet” to you…

Great! I’m happy that they’re nice to you but this is not an accomplishment;  it’s a prerequisite. They’re supposed to be nice to you, just like everyone else is supposed to be nice to you — whether they’re attracted to you or not. And although there are some mean outliers, we all need to give and expect kindness from one another. Please do not grant such high rewards to someone for performing such a minor and basic piece of what it means to be a decent human being.

 

• So they respond to your texts and talk to you pretty much every day…

I don’t understand the whole “let me not show too much interest by ignoring their text or waiting until tomorrow or next week to respond so that person will like me more” mentality. If you believe in it, that’s fine – you do you. However, if you also believe that a person texting you constantly is because they “just can’t resist” not talking to you for more than a day or two; thus, you’re convinced they’re madly in “like” with you (I’ll spare the intensity that comes with saying ‘in love’), let’s just pause for a moment.

Talking to someone we like and/or are dating on a daily or semi-daily basis is what naturally happens because we want to be a part of that person’s day, a part of their thoughts, and a part of their life. We do this with our family members and our closest friends because this is our normal way of remaining connected and in contact with people we enjoy talking to and being around. 

Therefore, this is not a favor. This is not going above and beyond. No one deserves a medal for wanting to talk to you.  In case you needed a reminder: you’re fucking DOPE. Of course this new person your dating should want to talk to you!!! Don’t give them a cookie for it; the fact that you’re responding IS the cookie! Own that.

 

• So they want to see and hang out with you often…

I might start sounding like a broken record here, but the more times you and I both hear this, the better: You are awesome, you are fun, and you are a valuable presence for anyone to have in their life. You do not need to be eternally grateful to anyone who recognizes it and naturally wants to be around your radiant energy.  

Think about it this way: do you show up at birthday parties and hand a gift over to the birthday person saying, “oh my gosh thank you so much for allowing me to give you this gift!” ?

Of course not! Your presence and your time is the gift, and the actual present is the bonus! You need to hold this same idea when you’re giving your valuable time, attention, and presence to someone you’re dating. They should want to see you often. Period.

• So they make you feel like you’re the only girl in the world (cough* typically in bed *cough)…

I wrote this in reference to Rihanna’s song Only Girl, but this holds true for men as well.

Let me make this clear: if there is a mutual agreement between both parties regarding their relationship as a “friends with benefits” deal, then phenomenal! So long as both parties agree to the terms and conditions signed by their partners and everyone’s needs are being met, there is absolutely, positively nothing wrong with this. There’s always advice, opinions, and established principles depending on other parties speaking on the topic, but ultimately this is extra noise because the only rules in a FWB situation are the ones made by the participants. Because of this, FWB deals can be highly beneficial and very fun, but because us humans are flawed and complicated beings, FWB deals don’t always go as smoothly and blissfully as we’d like..  

That being said, if you’re with someone right now and are somehow connecting dots in your head that justify why it’s okay that the only time they can find time to hang out with you and make you feel like a special person in their life is at night when you’re both alone in bed, then you are dealing with someone who has independently signed, and closed, a Friends With Benefits contract without your signature and consent.

If you’re really not comfortable with this, then your needs are not being met and you’re settling for the bare minimum with hopes that this person will just one day wake-up and rip the contract to shreds. And I can almost guarantee, this won’t just happen out of thin air. 

So if, during the next thing I’m about to say, you feel a dagger in your tummy, or tension and anxiety, or all of the above, then that is an even bigger sign that this is something you need to do for yourself: 

Cut them off.

OR

At the very least, communicate your boundaries and expectations around what you are willing or not willing to consent to anymore. 

Just a heads up: that crippling tension in your gut telling you, “No, don’t do it!” is only there because you have become comfortable with and dependent on receiving the bare minimum. You’re not being high maintenance nor are you asking for “too much” if  you’re looking for a relationship or something more meaningful and longer-lasting than your current situation. My friend, you deserve the shiniest platinum, super exclusive, highest quality kind of love this world has to offer, and you cannot receive that if you’re going to keep settling for the petty bullshit you’ve been given.

If you can’t communicate that you’re uncomfortable and/or set boundaries around your needs and wants in a relationship then that person isn’t for you. Congratulations, you were able to identify them sooner rather than later. But if you can communicate, and they can reciprocate, listen, and change their patterns, then kudos to you — you probably found a “real one.” 

Please also know that it’s okay if you’re not ready today. I’ll just leave this last point I want to make on the topic right here: You owe it to yourself to feel happier, more confident, and more satisfied TODAY – right here, right now – not tomorrow, not next week (when you’ve hooked up with them “just one last time”), and most definitely not next month when XYZ happens. You deserve it N O W. 

 

• So they told you up front that they’re not looking for a relationship…

Seems to me this has been a growing trend. People are being more honest and upfront during the first one or two dates, and some are even going as far as to warn a person the first few messages in. It appears promising because for whatever reason the act of honesty seems foreign and untraceable in the millennial generation and dating culture. 

But alas, this is not a God-sent angel who is “so different from the rest of the people you’ve ever met because they’re being honest instead of ghosting you.” 

If you even THINK that there’s a tiny sign, possibility, or small door of opportunity for that to change (and by “that” I mean their lack of craving for a relationship), then my friend you need to run.

Going back to our previous point about FWB deals, if you’re 1000% okay with hooking-up with a person for your own sexual satisfaction, experimentation, and/or interest – then by all means, I am here for it and I am here for you! 

If you’re only 999% interested in a FWB deal because you’re kindof, sortof wanting an actual relationship this time around, then do not — I repeat — DO NOT accept the bare minimum. You DO NOT go on from here convincing yourself that you can change this person. I don’t care how drop-dead gorgeous, painstakingly hilarious, unbelievably genius, or whatever that you are – If it’s a relationship that you’re ultimately looking for, then you keep your horizons open for that, and nothing less.

The more you settle for what you don’t want, the longer you will wait and the more frustrated you will become on the journey toward what you do want. 

 

• So you feel like this person is your person – they talk to you daily, hold deep conversations with you, hang out with you and take you on dates, and even hook-up with you as if they belong to you and only you  –  but it’s all behind closed doors. In public, they treat you like a friend and have openly refused to commit to an exclusive relationship with you…

You already know the answer to this. 

If you want to be exclusive, you don’t settle for something casual. 

Perhaps the sooner you stop half-assing the way you go after what you want, the sooner the Universe will stop reciprocating half-assed returns. I’m sorry if that hurts to hear, but you’re worthy of a full-assed effort.

 

I might not have fallen in the kind of love that’s truly unconditional, relentless, messy, yet utterly beautiful and undying as I hope that I someday will, but I’ll tell you this much: I’m so sick of settling for all the contingent, restricted, incomplete, and lackluster kind of love I’ve been so quick to accept. If that’s all I’m going to have when it comes to love, then quite frankly, I don’t want it. I’ll wait for the real deal. 

If this is how you feel too, then join me! Let’s start investing in what’s meaningful, what matters, and what fills our hearts so full that it bursts at the seams and leaves us with a sense of pride and inspiration. That means that we will give what we want in return, and if that energy isn’t reciprocated then we’ll simply reinvest it back into ourselves. No more exhausting our energy in hopes that the harder we try, the further we’ll get. No, no, no, we will save ourselves. We will love ourselves. We will pursue what we desire for ourselves. And we’ll keep doing that until someone who fully appreciates us won’t just settle on the bare minimum to have us, they’ll go the extra mile…and some.

 

XOXO,
Sab

Hacks to Happiness: Aim for Connection Over Everything Else

The first time my dog, Milo, attempted to bite me is an image seared into my brain. 

It’s not the first time I’ve almost been bitten by a dog, but the way his ears curled back, his eyes glared, and his lips fiercely stretched over his teeth in the blink of an eye just before he lunged at me still gives me goosebumps. We had just come inside from his bathroom break, and I needed to leave for an event. After gathering my things, I tried to cutely lead him to his playpen, but he just as cutely ran the other way. I was on a time crunch so my patience was running out, and he heard it in my voice as my calls to him collected more attitude and volume. Eventually I had him cornered, and when I went to grab him, he snapped back.

Like all Dog-Moms I absolutely love my little pup, so his aggression not only scared me half to death but it also felt like a sign of hatred. If I sound like I’m exaggerating then I encourage you to arrange a situation that prompts your pup to bite you when you’re just trying to instill some control. Then, if you have any sympathy in your soul, watch as your veins fill with anger, and then watch them get replaced by guilt…then perhaps filled with anger again. (This works in child care, too, by the way).  

But here’s the thing: in the moment I was getting angry, it was because I was seeking power. I was trying to establish my authority and I was obviously losing. After the results my actions rendered — AKA almost getting bit — I was filled with guilt because I was no longer connected to Milo, or myself for that matter. So what exactly was I connected to? 

This kind of dynamic can be seen in all of our relationships – social, personal, and professional. We’re either bidding for connection or we’re bidding for power. And quite frankly, in our bids for power we either “win” and are disliked (and often disrespected, most often behind our backs), or we lose and feel lost — kind of like the end of an electrically charged wire that had just broke loose and is flying frantically in the air.

In order to get that wire connected to where it needs to be, we have to shut that charge off. Similarly, in our relationships, we need to reconsider what our actions were aiming for in the first place: power or connection? 

In our bids for power, we solely care about being right. We blame, we accuse, we yell, we disregard others, we micromanage, we do over someone’s work, we gaslight, we ghost, we don’t listen, we try to seek revenge (yes, that’s a cheap shot in pursuit of power)…must I go on?

When we’re aiming to connect, we ask questions, we listen, we empathize, we communicate our needs, we communicate our boundaries, we look into ourselves to apologize for where we were wrong, then we care enough to ask “how can I do better?” and actually try to do that. 

Major differences there, huh?  

 

Dealing with the “Power-Holders” 

 

People who try to instill power above you are doing so because they don’t feel in control. It could be a parent, sibling, boss, or friend that’s seeking power over how you feel, over your work ethic, over how you should handle a situation, or how you act — the list continues. 

When you find these relationships in your life, consider the kind of power that person is seeking over you, and try to be a step ahead of it.

The “I feel [blank] when you [blank]” Statement: The more specific you get with this, the more powerful it is. Instead of accusing someone’s character (“you’re an asshole,” “you’re inconsiderate,” “you’re a terrible listener”), this statement aims to relay that you feel a certain way when a specific situation occurs. Here’s a few examples:

• • I feel ignored and unheard when you change the subject as I’m talking about something that is important to me. 
  • I feel like a nuisance when you belittle a concern that I’m trying to bring to your attention. 
  • I feel like I mean nothing to you when you disregard my bids for connection. 

These are generic and resemble more of text-book style, but I leave them that way so they can really emphasize how you choose your words. Fill in the blanks with what feels right in your circumstance, but remember to be specific.

Communicate EXTRA: If you know a person well enough and presume they’re going to question you, your decisions, your motives, or another, then communicate as much as possible. Fill in the blanks that might be in their head so they’re not left to watch over your shoulder and track your every move.

This is especially important when making new friends or meeting new potential partners. Don’t just leave a person hanging — communicate! Let them know you’re not ignoring them, you’re just busy. Let them know you just need space today. Let them know you’re not up for hanging out this weekend, and try to reschedule for another weekend. It takes two seconds to send a text, people! Plus, keeping a person in the loop really doesn’t have to be that complicated. Just show you care more; it’s good for your soul. 

Realize You’re Outgrowing Them: When we change, our relationships change. That’s a fact of life. We outgrow old friends, old coworkers, and even family members (for anyone who needs the reminder: blood relationships are never a good enough reason to tolerate someone’s power toxicity). Of course, if we’re experiencing a lack of support from someone important in our life, the reason reflects their own inner demons and insecurities. However, if their lack of support turns to discouragement or attempts to hold you back, it’s time to let go. 

 

How to Seek Connection

 

Own up to your faults & validate their feelings: If you want to stop being the asshole in the conversation, it’d be best if you swallow your pride and realize you’re not perfect either. This doesn’t mean you suck up to anyone, it simply means that you acknowledge where you could have went wrong. Endorsing the importance of another’s feelings builds trust, it instills a safe space for that other persons to reciprocate, and it lowers a person’s defense making for a more productive conversation and an enhanced experience when exploring options/solutions/etc.

Ask more questions: This is so key. We’re all detectives and the more questions we get answered, the better we can understand and empathize. Figure out what made another person upset, or where you went wrong, or how you can help. Better yet, ask your partner, your friendships, your family, or even your coworkers and boss, “how can I do better?”

I know you’re already feeling a pang of resistance. Do it anyway.

Find common ground to come to a conclusion on: After you’ve validated feelings  and asked the necessary questions, you should be on a neutral ground and both parties should be calm, patient, and prepared to come to a consensus, right?

………………………
Right! In a perfect world!

Of course this is way easier in theory, but the more you practice these techniques in your relationships, the easier it is because repeated actions eventually become a habit. And adopting these habits will slowly begin to feel like second nature. 

Please note that cultivating these habits around seeking connection are not always synonymous with comfort. Nothing about tough conversations is comfortable — that’s why they’re tough, duh! — but the way in which you approach them becomes less intimidating. You will start to trust the process more, you will start to trust your ability to navigate those tougher conversations, and you will notice just how much improvement your relationships experience as you have them.  

 

So, as it came to be with Milo, I now know that my obvious attempts at authoritative power (in most situations, not all) trigger an instinctual reaction from him, which is fair. I’d probably respond similarly if I was scared. So I’ve built his trust by teaching him that the playpen is associated with treats for reinforcement.

Surely relationships with our dogs are different than our relationships with humans…but then again, when our bids for connection are associated with enhanced relationship reinforcement, that difference is not by much. 

Connection is work, but so is everything else that’s wonderful and worth having in this world!

Sending you patience, kindness, and positive vibes…

XOXO,
Sab

Hacks to Happiness: The Paradox of Rejection

It doesn’t matter if I just found out my favorite ice-cream place isn’t serving their custard in cones anymore or if I was turned down for a job position I really wanted —
rejection stings. 

Some of us, if not most of us, take rejection personally and because of that rejection is often what keeps us from persevering. Without a resilient attitude, it can promote avoidance in taking any risks — in our career, in our love-life, in our personal life, or even in everyday decision making.

And it’s no wonder why; we already know that that act of being rejected brings up the familiar emotions we also get from failure. Some might say the two terms are synonymous. Either way, they’re inevitable and although we don’t have control over it, we do have control over how long and how intensely we suffer from them. 

But here’s the problem: many of us take rejection so personally because we don’t associate the outcomes to our situation; we associate the outcomes to ourselves.

Let me elaborate: 

• When our heart is broken by a partner, we assume something is wrong with us instead of thinking something is wrong with the relationship.
• When we don’t get a promotion at work, we run a story in our heads about why our boss might hate us instead of considering that our boss might have better intentions in mind for a different time.
• When our dog gravitates toward another family member to cuddle, we think they must not love us anymore instead of considering the fact that that family member just might have peanuts in their pocket (true story). 

In any case, one’s character, work-ethic, intelligence, and trajectory of life is NOT defined by rejection or failure. The goal is not so much that we should be learning how to better ignore it or numb ourselves to the two pains, but the goal is to consider how we can be more mindful about how we react to it. 

 

 

For When You’re Being Rejected…

 

• Another person’s hurtful words and actions are reflections of how they feel about themselves; HOWEVER, the degree to which you take their behaviors personally could be a telling sign that it’s time for a date with self-reflection.
   

When I had low self-esteem around my body image, any bit of criticism aimed at my appearance hit deep – even when I was at the lowest weight I’ve ever achieved on my fitness journey. 

That’s because I had this inherent belief that I was “fat,” and (at the time, to me) fat meant unappealing, unworthy, and unacceptable. The perceptions I had about myself and my character were structured and dependent on my shape and appearance, so if anyone said anything that resembled criticism or rejection (or even commenting on my other family’s weight loss in front of me, forgetting to comment on mine) left me feeling inferior, alone, and downright crummy.

Luckily this is not the case anymore. After several years of hard work to get my head out of that negative place that I finally realized,

1. 1. I am strong, healthy, able and incredibly grateful for the body I have, regardless of how anyone else decides to perceive it on the surface, and 
   2. Being called fat says way more about the commenter and their insecurities than it does about me and my character. 

One’s unpleasant reactions and behaviors toward any situation are reflections of themselves because their acting out in anger, spite, hostility, passive aggression, or something of the like, are due to insecurity triggers. More often than not, this is a subconscious result of unawareness. Most people don’t realize their enmity is brought to light because a deeper insecurity, negative belief, or familiar emotion is being provoked. 

I’ll continue to use myself as an example: When I was 50+ pounds lighter and still super insecure with my body, I made judgy comments about other women at my fitness facility for wearing revealing clothing (crop tops, shorts, sports bras, etc) just as often as I thought others were looking down on my own shape/size.

Why did their choice of clothing bother me so much? Because deep down I still didn’t feel worthy enough to wear that kind of clothing myself, and if I was working my butt off (literally) to achieve that “worth,” and still didn’t feel it, why did they get to? 

See what I mean? As the rejected, I was mindlessly part of the rejecting as a means to make myself feel just a little bit better.  

The first to point a finger is the one who already has three pointing back at him. Check yourself, but also, have some empathy for the other person making the rejecting comments because they’re certainly going through something tough, too. 

 

• Rejections are opportunities

Being turned down for whatever reason can be disappointing, but it also can be just the opportunity we need to evaluate and retry. Sometimes that means changing our situation (i.e. changing jobs, finding a new partner) or it could mean experimenting with a different approach (i.e. trying a different modem operandi to begin a project, setting boundaries with our partner). 

Don’t allow a let down to discourage your journey; let it lead you onto a better path. 

 

 

• If you’re not getting rejected, you’re not living.

This is so important because we ALL have been part of the rejected and we’ve ALL been a reject-er. So as long as you continue to revamp your approach, make adjustments to your situation (or make efforts toward swapping it completely), and keep doing your best, you can remember that any sort of rejection you receive is just a sign that you’re living to your utmost potential.

You are pushing limits; you are working hard toward your desires. Once you’ve finally achieved it, any and all of those rejections will be worth it. The pride and joy you have from your accomplishment will be that much sweeter because you didn’t give up and let someone tell you no.

 

 

For When You’re Doing the Rejecting… 

 

• You don’t have control over how someone interprets your message, but you do hold a responsibility over how you send it. 

Communication can be tough, but that doesn’t release us from the responsibility to be careful with people’s hearts. Providing constructive criticism, saying no, setting boundaries, etc., are all versions of rejection that are very necessary parts to building trust and comfort in our relationships, as well as improving our craft; however, we must remember that the people closest to us and those who have made the greatest impact on our development earned their proximity in our heart because they were careful with it.

Everyone deserves to be treated with respect, integrity, and kindness; therefore, we do hold a big responsibility in learning how to be careful with our words and actions when we’re relaying them.

 

• If you’ve messed up, you can always try again.

Sometimes I think people believe that we can’t change the past so we might as well forget it and move forward. 

No. 

Don’t do that. You might not be able to change the past, but you have the power to change the future. Make amends when you know you’ve made a mistake. Apologize. Explain your intentions. Make sure the other person feels validated. Then learn from the situation, and then move forward.

 

• Stay true to yourself.As mentioned in the first point, different versions of rejections are often necessary and valuable pieces for building stronger, trustworthy relationships so don’t hold back when something needs to be said. 
  

Your self-respect, self-care, dignity, morals, and happiness are much more important than the consolation of others. Our entire being is centered around achieving and maintaining homeostasis (AKA: finding balance and “safe space”), so don’t feel bad if staying true to you means pushing someone out of their comfort zone. They’ll find a way back to it, just as you always will. 

Let us mindfully practice setting better examples for our friends and family, and the world around us. We needn’t expect them to understand, we just need to let them observe. Thanks for being here; I’ll see you next week!

 

XOXO,
Sab

Hacks to Happiness: Who Is Our Highest Self & How Do We Reach Them?

Talking about our “highest” self isn’t a discussion brought up too often — unless we’re in a dispensary…

buh-dum-tsss.

 

So who is our “Highest Self?” What does it mean? 

 

Our highest self is our deepest intuition. It’s the part of us that works from insight, excites inspiration, and guides us with intention — so long as we choose to listen and remain in connection with it. 

Other terms for it are our “value-guided self,” our “wisest self,” our “inner self,” and even “our gut instinct” — and I will be exchanging these terms as I continue this post so do not be confused; they all refer to the same deeper part of our conscious. 

In any case, the name is meant to emphasize that our thoughts and consciousness run deeper than what is presented on the surface. That’s because we don’t see someone’s deepest or wisest self through their race, ethnicity, status, or trendy, flashy things. We only see it based on the example they set and how they treat both others and themselves. Our highest self is our own individual guiding principle that leads us toward what we value most, and that’s cultivated through lots of self-reflection and action. 

With the amount of distractions, temptations, and loud noise we experience on a daily basis from family, friends, professors, media, society, cultural beliefs, religious values, and even our own combative thoughts, it requires quite some energy to deflect all the clamor and dig deeper into what we believe, what change we want to see in the world, and what it will take from us to go after, or become, that. 

 

Building A Connection with Your Highest Self 

 

Introspection is built just like a muscle. The more we use it, the stronger it gets. 

We have to remind ourselves to be still, to listen, and to practice blocking out the distractions when we are listening to our value-guided self. Some examples of what this may look like are: 

• following through with what you said you’d do for someone — even when it turns out to be an inconvenience
• following through with what you said you’d do for yourself — even when it turns out to be an inconvenience 
• not playing by dating game rules everyone seems to encourage because you know deep down you’d rather find a love more mature and genuine than that 
• telling your boss you’re too swamped on other projects to take on a new one (#boundaries)
• granting yourself a weekend of space and the true rest and recovery you need instead of going out with friends or filling your schedule with things you feel you “have” to do
• scheduling a time away from work, school, or other obligations just to go out with friends and have fun
• partaking in the activities you love to do, or want to try, regardless if you’re good at them or not
• fighting and being an advocate for movements you’re passionate about 
• standing up for what you believe in, for yourself, and for others in the face of affliction

 

The more we listen to our value-guided / highest- / wisest- self and go forth with intention, we’ll notice the reward from our practice. 

Just think back to the first time you started your current favorite hobby. Perhaps you felt uncoordinated, a little disjointed, and maybe even a little embarrassed about your ignorance around the activity. When I first started bodybuilding the exercise I loathed, but knew I needed to do, were pull-ups. I had to remind and push myself to do them at least every other day because as hard as they were, I knew I wanted to get better at them so they could strengthen my other lifts.

There were days I skipped them completely because I listened to the noise in my head saying they’re too hard…you’re tired today…you’re probably not even going to get 1½…just do them next time. However, the more I blocked out that noise, that is the more diligent I was with keeping up my practice, the stronger I felt myself becoming. Eventually, I felt that strength begin to seep into my other lifts; it improved my posture, and let’s be real, I felt like a bad ass. Eventually I came to love Back-and-Bis Day.  

Watching how our confidence and self-trust evolves (through the act of making value-guided decisions and going after what we truly desire to see, and be, in this life) is a powerful feeling. Smaller acts of meditation, reflection, and action add up to bigger acts of kindness and confidence, and eventually we come to enjoy the process and develop a gratitude for the situations we’re put in. We begin to trust ourselves and our ability to handle them, more and more. 

However, it should be mentioned that this doesn’t mean we can reach a “rite of passage,” so to speak, that automatically grants us an easy-peasy life. To consistently improve, we must consistently practice.   

 

When Your Highest Self Leads You Toward Consequence 

**These two statements are incredibly important to remember, so please do not skim over this.**

***

1. We only know what we know when we know it.

Slow down. Read that again: we only know…what we know…when we know it.

 

2. We cannot know what we don’t know until we know it.

Alright. One more time: we cannot know…what we don’t know…until we know it. 

***

Just because we listen to our value-guided self doesn’t mean we will know the outcome of a situation. And it certainly doesn’t mean we will always be right! That’s because our value-guided self can only lead us toward what we currently know and believe is the best decision.

The hardest part of listening to our highest self is not, in fact, the process of listening and going after something; the hardest part is overcoming the fear that somewhere in that process we could be wrong; it’s overcoming the fear that we could be disturbing the peace and very well be making others uncomfortable.

In first grade, there was a boy who consistently teased and picked on me and although I picked back, he almost always got away with it. One day during group time, he mouthed the words “fuck you” to me (I couldn’t make this up if I wanted to). I quickly interrupted the session and yelled out, “[he] just said the f-word to me!!” And unfortunately, we both got detention. Yeup, my first detention ever because I decided I would tolerate that boy’s meanness no longer!

Silly as it seems, there is something to be said about the fact that telling my teacher about him is what I knew, in that moment, would grant me the justice I deserved. Sure, in the end, as a consequence we both received detention, but I learned that next time I’d make sure to wait until after group time to seek justice. 

The issues I faced as a seven year old seem minor to my now 23 year old self, but the practice of refining what my wisest self knows is a demonstration that remains the same.  When there are consequences to our value-guided behavior, we can trust that our wisest self will always lead us toward what we believe to be right and we will survive through, learn about, and take educational advantage of our mistakes.

And if others become uncomfortable, let them stay that way. Our discomfort is an opportunity to explore our biases, our fears, and our insecurities. Our discomfort is our own responsibility, not someone else’s. Therefore, in pursuing what your wisest, highest self is leading you toward, bare in mind that ensuring everyone else is comfortable is not, and will never be, part of your journey.

 

Measuring Your Success 

 

So many of us base success on the outcome of a situation. Whether that be on someone’s response (or lack thereof), people’s reactions, if a proposal goes through, if we get the job, or get accepted into a program — the list is endless.

But what if we determined success on our ability to show up in a value-guided way.

The goal is to be clear about our values and be intentional about how we live up to them –  for ourselves, for our relationships, for strangers, and especially for those we may not agree with. We needn’t be perfect in our pursuits; we simply need to do the best we can. And if that turns out flawed, we pursue the next right thing.

Lisa Laughman, a social worker from Michigan State University, said it perfectly in her recent webinar:

“I get to navigate my mistakes whole heartedly and in a value-guided way. And then I get to like myself better over time [while] holding way less emotional baggage.”

– Essential Skills for Navigating Difficult Times (Session: 6/6) –

Notice the verbiage: we get to navigate our mistakes. We needn’t see it as a burden, but rather an advantage, a gift. And that’s a powerful way to look at our shortcomings because what we do holds just as much importance as the language we use around it.

^^^

Holding Space for others & Their Highest Selves

 

During difficult moments when someone is honoring their emotions in your presence, they are placing a sacred trust in you by sharing that experience with you. The most important thing for any one of us to do when that person is uncomfortable, hurting, and confused are the following three things:

1. Remove any judgement

This is not a proper time nor is it your place to offer personal opinions. However strongly you feel about a situation, put it on hold for a while. Simply be there with that person; remain present.

Suspend any comments that resemble things like,

– See, I told you this would happen…
– I wish you would have listened to me…
– There’s nothing you can do about it now so it makes no sense to cry…
– Please don’t be upset…
– Look at the bright side; things could be so much worse…
– Well at least you — …

2. Don’t fix, do validate 

When holding space for another person, our main job is to listen. It’s super important we demonstrate that we care about how that person is feeling. We don’t need to be the problem solver, the fixer, the I’ll-Make-Everything-All-Better man; we just need to identify how a person is feeling and attempt to empathize with it.

Appropriate comments sound more like,

– What you’re going through is really hard…
– I can only imagine how painful this must be for you…
– So what I’m hearing you say is ___…am I hearing that right?
– I might not know what’s the best thing to say, but know that I am here for you…

3. Understand the situation through their lens, not yours.

An incredibly profound quote from Allyson Dinneen says, “Wanting people to feel better isn’t helpful if it is our idea of ‘better’ and not theirs.”

Holding space for another person is not a means of fixing, judging, or evaluating what you think the outcome should look like. Empathy is a means of attempting to understand an experience through their eyes, and through their eyes only. This means we need to be asking more questions than we are making statements.

How you would’ve attempted to handle the situation does not help, it does not validate, and it certainly does not make someone in a vulnerable state feel better.

Questions you can ask that might propel some self-reflection without offering answers or refuting their feelings sound like,

– Who established the rule you’re having around how you’re feeling?
– What would you like to do about this?
– What is the next best thing you can do for yourself now?
– I’m proud of you…will you call me to let me know how it went?

---

I wanted to write this post without bias toward any specific relationship to religion, witchcraft, or zodiac signs, but it’s worth mentioning that tapping into our highest self is a lifelong practice and study that even monks and spiritual gurus today have a hard time describing. Meditation and quietness is encouraged so much across so many spiritual practices because we cannot get through difficult times when our thoughts and emotions are stuck in the obnoxiously dark and discouraging stores of our mind. 

We must remember that while our practice is individual and unique, we are and always will be support systems for one another. Our power to help others and ourselves lies solely within our ability to be present, to encourage without judgement or attitudes of superiority, and to remind each other that no matter what, we can be reliable foundations of love, calmness, and acceptance whenever the going gets tough.

If we can hold this kind of safe space for ourselves, we can do that for others; and in doing so for others, we strengthen and improve our ability to do it for ourselves. It’s a cycle.

Building a connection to your inner gut instinct is a skill, and it’s a contagious one at that. By listening, you bestow a gift of trust to yourself, and you bestow a gift of permission for others to give to themselves. And I’ll say, witnessing the reward that comes from doing so, especially when we use it to navigate difficult situations, is a pretty happy experience, indeed.

New Baltimore, Michigan 

Sending you joy going into the week!

XOXO,
Sab

Hacks to Happiness: In the Face of Adversity

In last week’s post I touched on how happiness is not such a blatantly obvious endeavor.

Oftentimes the things that will really make us happier in the long-run are those that aren’t so pretty on the surface; they often tend to be blessing in disguise or take a little more time and effort than we intended to put forth.

This week I’m talking about pain and suffering. What could be so “happy” about the thought of that, you may ask? Well, let’s get into it, shall we?

 

First and foremost, experiencing pain is an intense paradox. 

 

Contrary to our initial reaction, pain is such an intricate and valuable piece of the human experience. Of course, there is absolutely no diminishing, pretending, or even ignoring that in the wake of heartbreak, loss, illness, injury, abandonment, or another, it feels like a negative experience and it feels personal.

Without these moments, however, we can’t evolve or modify aspects of our lives for the better, we can’t grow mentally, professionally, or even physically, and we can’t truly know happiness, joy, or gratitude on a personal level. 

No matter what happens to us, it’s the shift in our mindset during the aftermath of those times that really determines if we can hack happiness or if we will continue to view life through a dark lens.

Analyzing influential figures and the wise-words spoken during their speeches or told in their captivating stories, we witness the effects of their triumph after they’ve walked along the most difficult roads. We observe people’s rise to the top only after they’ve endured trials and tribulations. And the admirable art we view, envy, or simply appreciate, is most often created out of, or inspired by, affliction.

 

Let’s think about a hard situation we’ve already surpassed …

 

Think back to a heartbreak you’ve experienced in the past since this is something we’ve all been through. No doubt it sucked, right?  We can be sure that heartbreak in the future will suck, too; however, we can take that occasion and consider what we may have done afterward. 

Did we feel sorry for ourselves? Tell ourselves we’ll never be loved again? Think up scenarios where we wouldn’t be able to find another person as fun, as comforting, as intelligent, or as sexy as them? Mope around for a while?

Yeah. Don’t be shy, you’ve done it and so have I. It is impossible to just stop feeling angry, sad, resentful, and betrayed in the middle of it’s sensation. The best way out is through…

But what did we do after that? 

We remembered who the hell we are, right? Maybe you learned what you really want out of a relationship and/or what you won’t tolerate in your next one. Maybe you learned how to appreciate the company of your friends and family a little more. Maybe you focused on your health and a new hobby by putting more effort into traveling or learning how to roller skate (just as examples). Maybe you even got back into the dating game as a reminder that the world is an incredibly big playground for you to play on and explore.

I mean, when you have so many qualities to offer, why sit on the bench and watch while everyone else plays?  

Pain is what catalyzes growth, learning, and self-discovery. We refine ourselves, we find ourselves, and we let go of unnecessary parts of ourselves when we experience misfortunes, hardship, and challenges. We must remember that it’s the hard moments that create the most rewarding pieces of art, and that’s exactly how we come to fully embrace the blessing of being joyful and happy.

 

Dwelling for long periods of time

 

When we think about grief, many of us picture losing a loved one. But grief applies to everything. We’ve grieved the loss of normalcy as this pandemic has forced us out of our comfortable routines; we’ve grieved the loss of a character in a film or TV show, we’ve grieved a faltering friendship, the end to our favorite pair of shoes’ life, the end of festival season, etc. 

One thing all of these examples have in common is that the grieving process behind them do not have a time limit. There are stages in the grieving process (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) so if there are any “recommendations” or “guidelines” its about about how much time in each stage is “healthy,” but essentially, everyone processes emotions differently and at different paces. 

I do believe time is an important factor when we’re going through a hard break-up, a loss, or the diagnosis of someone’s illness AND — I’m avoiding the use of ‘but’ because this is not a contradictory statement — and so is diligent mindfulness around our mourning.

By that I mean we have to bring some awareness to our progress when suffering otherwise we may get stuck in the comfort of our grief.  

Which sounds weird, right? Who wants to remain stuck in a place of grief? 

Many people, actually. Severity levels vary among situations and people’s individual coping mechanisms. Have you ever felt sad on a drive home and decided to turn on sad music to mock, deepen, and wallow in your depression? I’ve done it on more occasions than I can count. I could’ve played cheery music or a podcast, but I wanted to be sad. 

This is not, technically, a bad thing. We simply should remain mindful around how often we do it because the goal is progress in emotional regulation. If we start noticing that we want to be sad all of the time, that is a sure sign we need extra support and guidance in our grieving process. In such a case, seeking out a counselor, therapist, or trusted mentor is necessary.  

 

How the phrase “it could be worse…” actually makes it worse

 

These five words create an expression that is, in my humble opinion, very controversial.

The only time we tend to rehearse this statement is when we’re saying it to someone else, right? We utilize the phrase with good intentions at heart, but what we’re really insinuating is that one’s situation isn’t that bad, therefore, they should be, in some sense, grateful. Sometimes it can be a helpful statement to remember when the going gets tough, but in the end “it could be worse” prolongs our recovery and coping process. 

“It could be worse,” is instead, a phrase that actually has more power to invalidate our situation and belittle the emotions we have around it. When we don’t grant ourselves (or others) the space needed to come to full awareness, or to have a full grieving and healing process because, well, “it could be worse,” we are stripping our (and their) experience of its value and meaning.

Think about it: almost everything could be worse! The only reason we have the ability to compare and contrast these sorts of factors in our life is because our circumstances are incredibly varied. But each person’s reality is unique and individual to them. 

It makes no sense, for example, to compare my stress levels to that of the nurses fighting Coronavirus right now. Our realities are too different.

Yes, telling myself “it could be worse” reminds me that I’m lucky to be home safe with my family at this time, but the stress I feel for being unemployed when I’m starting grad school in the Fall, the discouragement I feel when I want certain friends to initiate conversations with me first, and the irritation of being around my parents for too long cannot just so simply be brushed aside because “it could be worse.” That doesn’t relieve the load from my situation regardless of how “light” it is compared to someone else’s.

Remember that your experience is yours. You needn’t place it in a worse- versus better- than category. It’s just different, and that’s okay.

 

All of this is to say: 

The constant cycle between joy and hardship is essential to our humanity because without it we can’t know what it means to be alive. 

 

As the wise Maya Angelou once said, “You need a little rain to make a rainbow.”

We need to suffer before we can persevere, we need to fail before we can succeed, and we need to experience some pain before we can fully understand our capacity to feel joy. To hack happiness, even when we’re stressed and suffering, is to acknowledge our pain, to accept that it is inevitable, and to remember that it is not going to last forever.

 

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Next week, I’m going to hack into happiness by expanding on what it means to live our truth — AKA: live a life true to who we are. And if you still haven’t entirely figured out who your “truest self” is, I’ll draw on how you can figure it out! 😉 

Enjoy your week, and I’ll see you next Monday…

XOXO,
Sab ♥