Hacks to Happiness: In the Face of Adversity

In last week’s post I touched on how happiness is not such a blatantly obvious endeavor.

Oftentimes the things that will really make us happier in the long-run are those that aren’t so pretty on the surface; they often tend to be blessing in disguise or take a little more time and effort than we intended to put forth.

This week I’m talking about pain and suffering. What could be so “happy” about the thought of that, you may ask? Well, let’s get into it, shall we?

 

First and foremost, experiencing pain is an intense paradox. 

 

Contrary to our initial reaction, pain is such an intricate and valuable piece of the human experience. Of course, there is absolutely no diminishing, pretending, or even ignoring that in the wake of heartbreak, loss, illness, injury, abandonment, or another, it feels like a negative experience and it feels personal.

Without these moments, however, we can’t evolve or modify aspects of our lives for the better, we can’t grow mentally, professionally, or even physically, and we can’t truly know happiness, joy, or gratitude on a personal level. 

No matter what happens to us, it’s the shift in our mindset during the aftermath of those times that really determines if we can hack happiness or if we will continue to view life through a dark lens.

Analyzing influential figures and the wise-words spoken during their speeches or told in their captivating stories, we witness the effects of their triumph after they’ve walked along the most difficult roads. We observe people’s rise to the top only after they’ve endured trials and tribulations. And the admirable art we view, envy, or simply appreciate, is most often created out of, or inspired by, affliction.

 

Let’s think about a hard situation we’ve already surpassed …

 

Think back to a heartbreak you’ve experienced in the past since this is something we’ve all been through. No doubt it sucked, right?  We can be sure that heartbreak in the future will suck, too; however, we can take that occasion and consider what we may have done afterward. 

Did we feel sorry for ourselves? Tell ourselves we’ll never be loved again? Think up scenarios where we wouldn’t be able to find another person as fun, as comforting, as intelligent, or as sexy as them? Mope around for a while?

Yeah. Don’t be shy, you’ve done it and so have I. It is impossible to just stop feeling angry, sad, resentful, and betrayed in the middle of it’s sensation. The best way out is through…

But what did we do after that? 

We remembered who the hell we are, right? Maybe you learned what you really want out of a relationship and/or what you won’t tolerate in your next one. Maybe you learned how to appreciate the company of your friends and family a little more. Maybe you focused on your health and a new hobby by putting more effort into traveling or learning how to roller skate (just as examples). Maybe you even got back into the dating game as a reminder that the world is an incredibly big playground for you to play on and explore.

I mean, when you have so many qualities to offer, why sit on the bench and watch while everyone else plays?  

Pain is what catalyzes growth, learning, and self-discovery. We refine ourselves, we find ourselves, and we let go of unnecessary parts of ourselves when we experience misfortunes, hardship, and challenges. We must remember that it’s the hard moments that create the most rewarding pieces of art, and that’s exactly how we come to fully embrace the blessing of being joyful and happy.

 

Dwelling for long periods of time

 

When we think about grief, many of us picture losing a loved one. But grief applies to everything. We’ve grieved the loss of normalcy as this pandemic has forced us out of our comfortable routines; we’ve grieved the loss of a character in a film or TV show, we’ve grieved a faltering friendship, the end to our favorite pair of shoes’ life, the end of festival season, etc. 

One thing all of these examples have in common is that the grieving process behind them do not have a time limit. There are stages in the grieving process (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) so if there are any “recommendations” or “guidelines” its about about how much time in each stage is “healthy,” but essentially, everyone processes emotions differently and at different paces. 

I do believe time is an important factor when we’re going through a hard break-up, a loss, or the diagnosis of someone’s illness AND — I’m avoiding the use of ‘but’ because this is not a contradictory statement — and so is diligent mindfulness around our mourning.

By that I mean we have to bring some awareness to our progress when suffering otherwise we may get stuck in the comfort of our grief.  

Which sounds weird, right? Who wants to remain stuck in a place of grief? 

Many people, actually. Severity levels vary among situations and people’s individual coping mechanisms. Have you ever felt sad on a drive home and decided to turn on sad music to mock, deepen, and wallow in your depression? I’ve done it on more occasions than I can count. I could’ve played cheery music or a podcast, but I wanted to be sad. 

This is not, technically, a bad thing. We simply should remain mindful around how often we do it because the goal is progress in emotional regulation. If we start noticing that we want to be sad all of the time, that is a sure sign we need extra support and guidance in our grieving process. In such a case, seeking out a counselor, therapist, or trusted mentor is necessary.  

 

How the phrase “it could be worse…” actually makes it worse

 

These five words create an expression that is, in my humble opinion, very controversial.

The only time we tend to rehearse this statement is when we’re saying it to someone else, right? We utilize the phrase with good intentions at heart, but what we’re really insinuating is that one’s situation isn’t that bad, therefore, they should be, in some sense, grateful. Sometimes it can be a helpful statement to remember when the going gets tough, but in the end “it could be worse” prolongs our recovery and coping process. 

“It could be worse,” is instead, a phrase that actually has more power to invalidate our situation and belittle the emotions we have around it. When we don’t grant ourselves (or others) the space needed to come to full awareness, or to have a full grieving and healing process because, well, “it could be worse,” we are stripping our (and their) experience of its value and meaning.

Think about it: almost everything could be worse! The only reason we have the ability to compare and contrast these sorts of factors in our life is because our circumstances are incredibly varied. But each person’s reality is unique and individual to them. 

It makes no sense, for example, to compare my stress levels to that of the nurses fighting Coronavirus right now. Our realities are too different.

Yes, telling myself “it could be worse” reminds me that I’m lucky to be home safe with my family at this time, but the stress I feel for being unemployed when I’m starting grad school in the Fall, the discouragement I feel when I want certain friends to initiate conversations with me first, and the irritation of being around my parents for too long cannot just so simply be brushed aside because “it could be worse.” That doesn’t relieve the load from my situation regardless of how “light” it is compared to someone else’s.

Remember that your experience is yours. You needn’t place it in a worse- versus better- than category. It’s just different, and that’s okay.

 

All of this is to say: 

The constant cycle between joy and hardship is essential to our humanity because without it we can’t know what it means to be alive. 

 

As the wise Maya Angelou once said, “You need a little rain to make a rainbow.”

We need to suffer before we can persevere, we need to fail before we can succeed, and we need to experience some pain before we can fully understand our capacity to feel joy. To hack happiness, even when we’re stressed and suffering, is to acknowledge our pain, to accept that it is inevitable, and to remember that it is not going to last forever.

 

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Next week, I’m going to hack into happiness by expanding on what it means to live our truth — AKA: live a life true to who we are. And if you still haven’t entirely figured out who your “truest self” is, I’ll draw on how you can figure it out! 😉 

Enjoy your week, and I’ll see you next Monday…

XOXO,
Sab ♥