A Challenge to Test & Stretch Your Mental Health

The following is an article I wrote for my private practice’s website late Fall of 2022. I had practiced a handful of ice-bath experiences, but I didn’t actually understand the effects it can have on the mind and body when done consistently. While much of the literature on ice baths talk about recovery for athletes, the conversion of certain types of adipose tissue for weight loss, effects on metabolism, etc., I wanted to sink deeper into the mental health side of things. There’s a reason why the body of anecdotal evidence is sky-rocketing across the web, claiming ice-baths effects on anxiety, mental clarity, energy levels (and more) as remarkable — and I love it! While I can’t declare that I’m as consistent with my ice-baths as Wim Hof or his students, I can still vouch for the validity of this practice.

I hope you find this helpful. Please let me know if you give an ice-bath, cold shower, or even a hand/foot dip into a cold bucket of water a try! I’d love to know what your experience was like!

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If you’re reading this, I’m guessing you like the idea of a challenge, which means you’re already off to a great start! Fair warning: this challenge might take some persuasion; however, you’ll be proud you gave it go, and I think the effects and benefits you’ll experience from it will be worthwhile.

So what’s the big deal about this challenge, you ask? Well, it has to do with getting cold. In fact, it’s called cold therapy. Some people call it cold exposure, cold immersion, or cold hydrotherapy. Cryotherapy is another name, but refers to a different process which will not be discussed in depth in this article. What will be the main focus here is how this thing called “cold therapy” boosts your mental health specifically (although the physical benefits are incredible, too!), different ways you can expose yourself to the cold, and the safer conditions to do so as a beginner.

Without further introduction, here’s why you should try the cold therapy challenge!

1. Increase in Stress Tolerance
You’ll often hear entrepreneurs, motivational speakers, and various leaders saying growth is a result of stepping out of your comfort zone, or getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. Many of us health professionals say the same mindset is necessary when starting new healthy habits, like exercising, eating healthily, or going to counseling. Cold exposure undoubtedly puts your body in a stressful environment, but going through tough situations results in a higher tolerance to stress. In the mental health world, this is similar to a component of Dialectic Behavioral Therapy (DBT) which is aimed at building mental resilience, coping with pain, managing emotions, and building confidence (among other things). Cold exposure is great training for the mind because it helps work on those same goals. By building your stress tolerance, mental flexibility, and resilience through cold therapy, you’ll notice those benefits following you into other areas of your life.

2. Increase in Energy, Mental Clarity, and Focus
Self-directed cold exposure causes a significant release of epinephrine (adrenaline) and norepinephrine in the brain and body. These neurochemicals are what make us feel alert and attentive. Norepinephrine, specifically, also helps decrease inflammation in the brain and body to strengthen our neuroplasticity. I’ll spare you the science behind this, but the term neuroplasticity is a fundamental piece of learning and improving memory. Who doesn’t want a better memory, more energy, and focus in their life?

3. Increase in Mood
Cold water is not the cure for any mental health condition, but it was found that cold exposure can relieve depressive symptoms. One thought is that cold therapy helps reduce inflammation, which is a known mechanism of depression. Another thought is that when we take a dip into or take a walk through some means of coldness, our sympathetic nervous system is triggered to release hormones like norepinephrine and dopamine (both of which are in the family of feel-good chemicals), and they end up leaving us feeling more “up” and “awake.” Low norepinephrine activity is linked to several conditions, a couple of which are major depressive disorder, other mood disorders, and attention deficit disorders. While there’s still a great need for more research to be done specifically on how cold therapy can address mental health concerns, there is no doubt that the release of chemicals like norepinephrine and
dopamine improve our mood by enhancing our sense of well-being, pleasure, and goal- directed behaviors. I know what you’re thinking. Getting into cold water sounds completely absurd, but it’s actually, in turn, going to help me feel better and potentially happier? YES! It’s a wild paradox that’s hard to explain, but don’t knock it until you try it!

4. Boost in Quality of Sleep
There are a few theories as to why cold therapy can help improve sleep. First, body temperature plays a huge role in our sleep quality. Typically, when we’re drifting off, our body experiences a decrease in temperature and just before we wake up (as well as throughout the day) our body temperature rises. Cold showers and ice baths, over the long haul, help to regulate our internal temperature making this internal rhythm more consistent and efficient. Another theory is that cold showers are shown to reduce blood pressure, heart rate, and muscle tension – all of which, in turn, increase relaxation. Finding ways to relieve tension and stress almost always helps boost sleep quality!

5. Breathing through Tough Circumstances
So often we hear about yoga and meditation as the popular pioneers in the movement toward living healthier, physically and emotionally, because of their focus on breathing and controlling one’s breath. It builds mindfulness and connection between brain and body, and when practiced long enough, it carries into other areas of one’s life. Hard circumstances require that we return to our breath because it’s what keeps us calm and stable minded. Wim Hof, or “the Iceman” is an expert in the cold therapy world, and his methods are a great resource for beginners.

Methods of Exposure
1. Ice baths
2. Cold showers
3. Cryotherapy (Liquid Nitrogen Exposure)
4. Cold Weather Exposure
5. Face, Hands, and/or Feet Dip

Safety Tips

1. Start the cold water immersion on the “warmer” end.
2. The colder the stimulus, the shorter amount of time you need to expose yourself to the cold. Some people can go into cool waters (60°F) for a longer period of time (30-60 minutes), and some people like being in very cold waters (~40°F) for a shorter period time (20-60 seconds). Experiment slowly and find your happy medium, and then challenge yourself to either stay in longer.
3. Keep the timing of exposure brief (1-2 minutes) to start. You can work on prolonging your exposure to the cold, and dipping into colder temperatures, over time.
4. Never get into a dangerous body of water, especially unsupervised.
5. Do it with a buddy!
6. Don’t warm yourself up too quickly after a plunge.
7. Remember that everyone hates it when they start, but sooner or later they come to love it.

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Side Notes From Sabrina:
Taking Cold Lessons Outside of the Ice Bath

I’ll be honest with you – I’m not a die hard fan of ice-baths…especially during Michigan winters where it’s cold enough cracking a window. However, the times that I knew I had too much on my mind and needed to hush it up, taking an ice-bath, especially with my partner, helped me in few different ways. The lessons I’ve learned thus far from my limited ice-bathing experiences are worth sharing because the effects go far beyond the walls of the ice bath itself.

1. Focusing on my breath. At the end of the day, it is our breath that will help us harness the calm during a bad storm so we can make better decisions. The whole point of putting ourselves in this extremely uncomfortable position is so that we can simulate a practice around learning how to breath through tough circumstances, through stress…and later, through conflicts with loved ones, through tough days at work, etc. I’ll save the science for another day, but BREATHING IS NUMBER 1. It always will be.
   
   
2. Surrendering allows for presence. Upon first contact with the water, the body wants wants nothing but out – and rightfully so! It will respond in all the instinctual ways it knows because ultimately, it is being placed in shock.
   
   Yet, after the handfuls of times I’ve done it, I’ve noticed something weird start happening sooner and sooner into the practice. There’s a point, once you’ve harnessed better control over your breath, that you begin to notice your body surrendering to the cold. It is a strange and unexplainable feeling, but somehow there’s a sense of calm that soars through the veins. Yes, of course, it’s still cold! And yet, allowing our bodies to simply endure that cold, to be present with it (because there really is nothing else to do in an ice-bath), cultivates a space of peace. I can only be right here, right now, in the moment, in the cold, and in this discomfort for X more minutes/seconds.
   
   For me, this is a metaphor. If we can surrender to the things that are out of our control (AKA: MANY things), we can remain present and find peace within that stress. I’m still untangling the knots from this statement, but I stand with its truth, even though I don’t really know another way to describe it right now. If you’re wondering if this ties in with the “stress tolerance” piece from the article, you’d be right.
   
   
3. Listening to, without judging, my body. Your mind might say, “let’s f*cking goooooo!!!!” to this ice-bath thing, and as soon as you dive in, you can’t find the surrender to presence, calm, and peace. You’re shivering uncontrollably, or perhaps something doesn’t feel right and your body is more tense, or you can’t find control over your breath even a minute in. There are times when your body cannot do it, and it will signal to you when today is not the day.
   
   LISTEN to it.
   
   You don’t need to like it, but you do need to respect it. Judging it, on the other hand, is a choice. We often use the words “shouldn’t have,” “should have,” or “supposed to,” to describe a standard we had over ourselves or someone else. When placed specifically on the self, this contributes to unnecessary (and unhealthy) feelings of guilt, shame, frustration, regret, discouragement, or hopelessness. Our goal is to NOT do that.
   
   Ice baths are to build self-trust. It is a practice of replacing judgments with mindfulness. It is a way for us to be more curious and observant of our bodies, the relationship we have with them, and to be able to listen to the ways in which it is protecting us — and no, that does not include the ego.

I hope to have more observations as time goes on, but I hope you enjoyed reading! If you do consider giving this a try yourself, again, I would love to know!

Keep in touch,

XOXO,
Sab<3

Trauma is a big word.

I think many of us, myself included, have associated trauma with war, violent attacks, abuse, sexual assault, or near-death experiences at one point or another, but the reality is that the range varies widely. Many less obvious experiences can be just as seriously disruptive to our lives and deserve, if not just as much as, then close to the same amount of, attention.

Now when I say “deserves attention,” I don’t mean that those experiences should be re-lived in detail as a means to “process” or overcome it. In fact, many therapists and trauma researchers discourage that ideology because of what we know now, which is that: remembering traumatic events can cause more harm than benefit. On the flipside, what is encouraged is noticing triggers and how they manifest in the body.

Maybe after experiencing an ugly break-up, one might find themselves having somatic reactions when attempting to be intimate or close to anyone else. Chest tightness, stomach aches, light-headedness, or clenching jaws are just a few examples of how the mind tries to send direct signals saying: this territory isn’t safe! One might not necessarily understand or remember why their reactions happen in such a way, but the mind and body does.

Does that mean reliving the events of the past is necessary to get through it and let it go? No, not necessarily. The secret weapon, first and foremost, is being able to notice what’s going on instead of reacting with displeasure, or frustration, or judgment. When approaching our bodily responses from a place of curiosity (noticing), rather than judgment (reacting/interpreting), we can contribute to a calmer, less reactive amygdala (AKA: the smoke detector that sends us those signals to our body to start feeling out of sorts). In turn, we don’t pile on “this feeling is bad” to the already uncomfortable response of stomach or head aches.

If adding extra spices to a recipe doesn’t end up tasting great, it would be unreasonable to automatically flip the table over and degrade our ability to cook, right? Instead, our face might squish in response to our taste-buds screaming Nuh-uh! No more! We notice the flavor isn’t up to par and start assessing what happened. Could it be too much salt? Maybe the steak-seasoning didn’t go well with this particular dish? Or perhaps the recipe needs some spice. In the case of our dating example, we often judge the stomach aches or tight chest. Many of us go into a state of confusion, wondering “What’s wrong with me? Why does this happen to me? Why can’t I just ___?” This is the judgement, the poor reaction, that creates further disconnection with what our body and mind are trying to tell us.

Instead, when we notice a particular response going on in the body, we can ask ourselves what’s happening here? Am I anxious about being intimate again? Is this new person showing some red flags I’ve already seen before? What’s making me feel unsafe right now? The patience, the self-trust, and the self-discovery goes a much longer way than ignoring the signs and then potentially entering another unhealthy relationship dynamic.

This goes for more examples than just dating and intimacy, of course. However, the larger message here is that getting in tune with, and listening to, our body is such a strong, beneficial skill that can help us in a multitude of ways. For anxious responses, it could be what encourages us to take our time with decision making, or moving slowly through a process, or finding our new sense/version of safety, so we may further learn to trust ourselves and our inner-wisdom.

This is just one drop in the ocean of “trauma” — or if you don’t like that word, then think “big feelings,” “significant stress,” or “painful memories.” And if noticing seems too simple, it very well may be. There’s no one size fits all, but it is one strong place to start.

A Hard Pill to Swallow

“We can only go as far with a person as they have gone with themselves.“

This is a hard pill to swallow because it means, for our own sake, sanity, and health, we might need to let go of relationships that no longer serve us in the same way they once did or in the way we were so convinced they would. This comes with doing the work to realize our potential, our worth, and our value; however, it also comes with understanding that those relationships didn’t intentionally aim to hurt us.

And still, we must let them go.

Going as far with another person “as they have gone with themselves,” is meant for us to think of the concept: inner work.

Whether done through journaling, going to therapy, practicing mindfulness, studying different psychological or philosophical guiding principles, other methods, or all of the above, inner work means deepening your understanding of yourself, others, and the world. Doing inner work helps us move through fears, limitations, insecurities, addictions, loneliness, depressions, anxieties, and feeling unwholly. It’s not meant to be the most pleasant, easy, or quick journey for any of us, which is why we’re all secretly terrified of venturing on it’s track in the first place. Nonetheless, it’s still an incredibly enriching, empowering, and rewarding path toward growth, finding true joy and freedom, living in harmony with others, and healing. Not to mention the momentum it generates by inviting and inspiring others to do the same.

I digress…inner work is important, plain and simple. The issue is that not everyone chooses to do the work. To each their own, but when others don’t do the work, we’re often left feeling like maybe we should wait until they do.

I’m here to tell you not to.

If more often than not you’re finding yourself in relationships that feel one-sided, like your left with unanswered questions and unease (after having inquired or communicated your needs), like you almost have to beg for validation and worth, or to be being heard and respected, and as if you rarely feel important, safe, or valued, then I’m willing to bet it’s not you. In fact, I’d encourage you to reevaluate what’s keeping you in the loop. What’s keeping you waiting for another person to “come around” when it’s costing you a broken heart and lowered sense of confidence and self worth?

Is it perhaps that this is a learned coping mechanism as a means to feel a sense of safety – even if it’s a false one?
Is it protecting you from facing a hard truth you’re not ready to accept?
Is it because you feel hope in the role they were “supposed to” play, whether it be as a partner, family, or friend and your mind doesn’t want to let go of that fantasized reality?
Is it scarier to let go and accept the empty void for a little bit than to constantly have to convince someone to understand or value you?

So many of us are misunderstood or held to an inaccurate narrative because it allows them to avoid facing their own shame, fear, and pain. It’s not that they don’t want to understand us, they simply can’t because the inner work has not been done. Their current defense mechanisms, lack of coping skills, and inability to communicate clearly are a reflection of how much self-exploration, -discovery, and -healing they’ve done (or haven’t done). That has nothing to do with you.

Therefore, the questions about their why – why they can’t just listen better, why they can’t hold space for you, why they can’t communicate clearer, etc. – cannot and does not have any connection to you. The answer does not lie in you, what you didn’t do or say, or what you could’ve done or said.

Cut all that out.

Instead, start working toward how you can go deeper within yourself to let that person go. Start working toward deepening your self-acceptance and self-compassion. Start working toward opening up your heart to a tribe or community of people who will listen, who will hold space, who will communicate, who will accept you, and who will love you for who you are, exactly how you are. Start working toward cultivating a greater self-love that no one else can determine a “max” or place a cap on.

Sending you strength, courage, and self-compassion as you embark further into the New Year. Cheers to 2023!

Xoxo,
Sab

Therapeutic Tears

I recently started going back to therapy again…

And it’s not for any other reason than the fact that: finding balance in life is H A R D.

Our culture revels in that never-stop-the-grind mind-set, so most of us place too many expectations on ourselves because that’s what we think we’re supposed to do. For me, it’s that I want to be a great student, AND a great employee, AND a great girlfriend/friend/daughter/sister, AND a great writer, AND a good shuffle dancer, AND be healthy and fit, AND improve my jiu jitsu game, AND still have time to clean/do laundry/meal-prep/play with my dog/sleep, AND and…and…anddddd….

If you’re like me, within each of your own categories are subcategories in which you list all the things you need to do to be a great student, employee, gf/friend/daughter/sister,  etcetera and etcetera. Thinking about all of that all at once had me trapped in crying spells. Any time I went to do homework, or if my boss asked me to work longer, or if I forgot to call back my friend, I was up to my eyeballs in anxiety and self-pity. Although I knew crying can be very therapeutic, I still had the notion that crying was unproductive, so it only made me feel more incompetent.

But here are a few things I gained from my last therapy session that might help you, too:

1) Crying can actually be a significant form of self-control. Being overwhelmed is very much a part of the human experience and that is okay! Tears let us release cortisol and other toxic chemicals in the body so that we can clear the fog in our brain and refocus on what needs to get done first; therefore, when we allow ourselves to get in a good cry when it’s needed, we’re actually being more productive than we think.

2) Telling ourselves “not to think about it” (as a way to protect us from feeling too stressed out or overwhelmed) only keeps the nagging thought coming back. Why? Because we do, in fact, have to think about these things! They’re valid worries that need to be taken care of. Ignoring our problems and responsibilities doesn’t make them go away, it only keeps them coming back with a vengeance. Whether it be that you let yourself feel the overwhelm and cry it out, or you take a 10 minute break to make a list and take a breather, or whatever it is, do what you need to do to get your head back in the game.

3) To find balance in life is to know how and when to prioritize REST. How many of you know someone who spends their whole weekends, or time after work, or their vacations in a chronic state of ‘I-gotta-get-something-done’? This is how we can quickly lead ourselves to burn-out, feeling resentment, and being extra sensitive and moody. Sleep should not be the only time we let ourselves shut our brain and body off. We are much better workers and people when we can prioritize rest throughout our day/week.

Un dia a la vez…

In other words, one day at a time, my friends. I hope whatever stresses might be running a muck in your brain this week that you can find peace in it. Sending wellness vibes your way…

XOXO,
Sab<3

Is the “L” word really that intimidating?

What I adore so much when talking about the “L” word, is that everyone’s version of it is vastly unique.

To understand love better, or to know what we’re “supposed” to be on the lookout for when we’re actively seeking out a partner to fall in love with, I think most of us try to narrowly categorize what love is and what it feels like. Truth is, though, our experiences behind each and every relationship in our lives (romantic, social, and familial) are just too different. The love I feel for my Mom might be similar but it’s not the same kind of love I feel for my best friend, and that’s because I share different experiences with each person. I believe this is the exact reason love is such a hard phenomenon to describe.

A few weeks ago I wrote an article about not settling for the bare minimum (in so many words, by “bare minimum” I meant “half-assed versions of love”). Early in to that article  I vaguely mentioned these contrasting versions of love; however, I also mentioned that the kind I didn’t know personally was the intimate and committed kind that we feel for our partners……….and, well…I want to take that back now. 

Maybe it’s not lOvE… I already know some would reckon that it’s too early to call it that, but one thing I know for sure is that it’s definitely more than just a “liking.” Perhaps the next stage is “like-like” or super like, but even if those terms have potential to be correct, what I’m feeling is way stronger than that. The feeling I’m experiencing is one of appreciation, adoration, admiration, and gratitude. I feel safe, I feel a new place in my heart opening up and it feels like home; I’m in a trance, and I have no intentions or desires to get out. 

Could that be the “L” word? And if that’s the “L” word, why are we so intimidated by it? Why do we tread around it with such caution? Is it really all that scary?

If you can’t tell, I’ve naturally had some time to ponder these questions…

I’ve heard that love is too strong of a word and it shouldn’t be used lightly but, personally, I use the word often with friends, family, and things or activities I really enjoy….except when it comes to intimate relationships. I, too, have seemingly been programmed to adopt the oh-so-common belief that love is scary, intimidating, and should  be stated only if we’re sure it’ll be reciprocated (otherwise it’s embarrassing). I, too, have thought that saying “I love you” is like walking on egg shells. I get it.

Plus, with the wide-ranging amount of definitions behind the “L” word (AKA: personal experiences, as well as the ones we’ve witnessed), it’s understandable why such negative misconceptions are easier to latch onto. Love oftentimes get a misconstrued reputation because we place it at the face of other painful experiences, and that conditions us to think that Love is synonymous with disloyalty, broken promises, false hope, and maltreatment. We know those aren’t acts of love, but we still fear the possibility so showing emotions, telling others how we feel, going out of our way to go the extra mile, are just a few subtle expressions of love that have taken a hit. And it shows in how offset we are by the word. 

All I know is that we have only one life to live, and I don’t want to spend mine fearing the very thing that adds so much meaning to it; the thing that is so breathtakingly valuable to my joy. I hope you don’t either, so here are some reminders to keep in mind about the “L” word…

• It is kind, it is peaceful, and it universally binds us together

Although Love is not culturally universal (because of the arbitrary ways it’s expressed and internalized); our capacity to Love is. When we show up for others, when we give our best selves to a relationship, project, or another, and when we practice self-compassion, we are becoming one with ourselves and one with the other people in our lives. 

It might seem like Love is synonymous with emotions like anger, jealousy, or sadness (because sometimes we think that these emotions are brought forth out of love), but we must let go of this notion. Love can come after experiencing anger, jealousy, or sadness, but these emotion are not synonymous with Love.

For example, I get angry when my best friend looks down on herself. My anger might seem like it’s coming from a place of Love, but my anger is not Love. Me reminding her of all her greatest qualities, how worthy she is, and how much I appreciate her as my best friend is love.

The more we come to understand love in this context, the better I think we can be at both expressing it and receiving it. Love will always be kind, peacefully, and bring us together as long as we remember what real love is. 

 

• just a small drop has the capacity to develop, expand, rise, and multiply

It’s no question that love is contagious. When we witness someone falling in love, what do we see? They’re giddy, they smile more, they put forth more effort into their pursuits and goals, they walk with their head held a little higher, their chest a little broader, and they’re more apt to say yes to new opportunities.

Think about it this way: when a candle shares it’s light, does it dim? Nope, it does not; the light just keeps spreading from one candle to another. The same goes for how we experience and express love — it can develop, it can expand, it can rise, and it can multiply. Never underestimate its power.  

 

• it catalyzes our potential to live life to its absolute fullest — which is especially true when we experience pain around it

When we can appreciate Love for all its grandeur — the highs and the lows, and everything in between — we can give our all to others. And even if it’s not always reciprocated, we can trust that we were able to change someone’s perspective, even if just in the slightest.

I have dated plenty and loved none, and although I was much more scared of getting hurt before than I am now, showing kindness, care, and consideration for all those who didn’t reciprocate it the same way turned out to help my self-compassion, -confidence, and -esteem more than it hurt it. Here’s why:
1) I had to learn how to fill the void in my heart through myself and the already established (and cherished) relationships I had. What took me so long to realize was that just because the bartender wasn’t there, didn’t mean I was drinking (or living my life) from an empty glass. And,
2) I choose to believe that whether I left a mark in the heart of those I dated before, or if I was just someone they knew in passing, I’m being the change I wish to see in the world. Trying to show more care, giving chances to new people and experiences, and offering the benefit of the doubt are examples that I believe the world needs to see and normalize more. Those acts do rub off on someone along the way, and just because we don’t see it happening behind the scenes doesn’t mean we should stop. That alone is enough.

So even when showing less intense versions of love (acts of kindness, consideration, and empathy) has brought some heart-ache and pain, I know that it has taught me how to do better, be better, and love harder. And now that I’m in a relationship that actually does feel right, real, reciprocated, and undeniably…amazing?…I am confident in my abilities to give my all to it and the new journey he and I are embarking on. Call me cheesy, but trusting in the power of Love, no matter what happens, is enough for me to know that this adventure is going to be worth everything I put into it. 

 

• it has the power to heal us from the inside out

This is a two way streak because we have to let Love in (from others and ourselves) in order to experience it’s healing abilities. Practicing self-love has been the biggest game changer in how I view myself, my body, and my potential; however, it has also made it so much easier (and significantly sweeter) to let love in when I’m experiencing it through the acts and behaviors from others.

If I can’t believe myself when I say that I’m worthy of feeling sexy, receiving kindness, and being fully accepted for who I am right now, then how I can believe (and appreciate) my boyfriend, for example, when he tells me that I’m sexy, when he opens his heart to me and proves how accepted I am, and that I deserve to be treated with all the kindness he covers me with daily?!  

When we love ourselves, we’re less resistant to letting in love from others; which only strengthens our hearts, encourages us to express love more often, and opens us up to receiving, accepting, and appreciating the love others want to give us. 

 

Perhaps we have nothing to be afraid of when using the “L” word. Sure, it’s powerful, but it’s gentle, too. While I still might wait to use it, I can most confidently say that I finally know, in my heart, what all the different versions of Love feel like. 

And damn does this version feel good.

XOXO,
Sab

The Garden Analogy of Dating & Relationships

Dating can be fun, but if you’re in the game right now — and looking at it from the perspective I did — then you may be thinking that there’s something wrong with you if no one has “worked out” yet. Every passerby feels like they’re just confirmations that you’re unworthy of a special kind of love and will likely spend the rest of your life single. You may have accepted it, but I have a fun analogy that I think might put this into a nicer perspective, and put you into a higher spirit…

I like to think of ourselves in love and relationships like a garden. Maybe you’ve heard this before, but let’s dissect it a bit more.

We’re the gardeners, right? So we’re meant to tend to our peonies, orchids, and roses, and every other gorgeous flower that represents our highest selves (like, for example, our self-compassion, self-kindness, and self-trust), and to pull the weeds (of low self-esteem, self-doubt, shame, and toxicities of any kind).

You may have a picket fence protecting your garden, and you may not, so sometimes people can look (while you’re making it known they can’t touch), or you may only open the gates of the fence slowly and carefully.  In any case, whenever you’re ready to show off this garden to the world and welcome some visitors (AKA: start dating), then as the sole protector of this garden, you have to be aware of what those visitors are doing, if they’re helping you water, or if they’re killing your soil.

Some visitors, you’ll find, meander around just to check out all the plants before deciding to walk out (oftentimes unannounced), or they might want to help you tend to your garden. Here’s where you have to be careful: I’d [optimistically] say that most of those visitors either
A) don’t always realize if they’re watering your precious flowers or if they’re watering the dreaded weeds, or
B) they only know how to water the weeds of their own garden so that’s how they’re watering yours…

In other words, I don’t think every visitor is out to completely rip your garden to shreds. But each one that came and didn’t fit in quite right probably showed you an area of your garden that needed more TLC; maybe they pointed out that the weeds you had growing were already out of control and needed tending to that they didn’t want to help with; Or they taught you that you needed to pay more attention and be more careful about who you let into your garden and who you give a watering can to in the first place. 

But even after all the visitors that walked out with a lack of interest, or who watered the weeds and dried out the flowers, or those whose gardens you admired from afar while wishing they’d just notice yours, you have to believe that there will be someone who will see, and love, and help you nurture your garden healthily and joyfully. Together, you’ll find a way to combine efforts and make one huge picturesque, botanical beauty.

Through your experience with faithless visitors — you know, the ones came and went — I promise your intuition will simply know the helpful, the genuine, and the right visitor when they come. They’ll likely peak their head over the fence (if you have one) and ask with a big smile, “Hi, can I come in?” 

They’ll walk forward humbly, slowly, but confidently. They’ll look over your flowers with a careful eye and will ask how they can be part of the process to help. They’ll be interested in how you’ve grown your garden, they’ll be gentle, respectful, and they’ll even volunteer to help you pull the dreaded weeds that everyone else before them had a problem with.

They’ll be diligent and adamant that they pull them by the root so those weeds don’t have a space to grow again. AND THEN they’ll replant new flowers that you didn’t know existed. Those will grow into breath-taking lotuses (and if you didn’t know about the lotus flower, it grows in muddy, murky conditions, yet when it blooms it’s unstained). 

So that’s not to say this special visitor won’t make mistakes; it’s not to say that they won’t accidentally slip up from time to time, forgetting to help you water certain areas of your garden (they’ll also be tending to their own garden, don’t forget!), but they’ll go the extra mile to fix their mistakes. They’ll bring their unique skill set — that is, their patience, their empathy, their listening ear, their ability to communicate, and their love — and the “deadline” to when they stop won’t exist.

Because that’s what happens when people aren’t playing ding-dong-ditch at your garden entrance; that’s what happens when caring gardeners want to join forces with other thoughtful gardeners who plant and pull weeds intelligently, but who also have ideas that could benefit their craft. 

All of this is to say, KEEP WATERING, NURTURING, AND COMPASSIONATELY TENDING TO YOUR GARDEN. Work on maintaining the nutritious seeds of patience, genuine kindness, and self-confidence into the foundation of your soil. Weeds may grow, but they won’t distract the right visitor, at least not early on. If they do, that visitor will have the heart to make sure those weeds disappear (they won’t poke and prod, water, and forget to pull them).

Remain hyper-vigilant of your garden. If anyone, and I mean anyone, brings on a sense that they’re questionable, then they are! Don’t take that lightly; your intuition is too powerful to not trust it. 

As a final note, remember that not all visitors are meant to stay — that includes the quick passerby’s and the super helpful ones who we thought and wanted to stay. Just because one really great visitor leaves doesn’t mean that your garden will die; don’t let that happen. We will always, always be able to keep supporting the flowers they planted even when they’re gone.

As for anyone else, keep a close eye over how they treat your garden. Open the gate for those who want out, and kindly guide the confused ones to the exit. The more space you have for the right visitor, the better! And once they peek their head over your fence, or at least keep showing up to the entrance until you invite them in, they will do whatever it takes to stay.

XOXO,
Sab

Can’t You Just Say You’re Sorry?

So you’re at the park playing with the other running, totally unaware, and I’m-just-here-for-a-good-time children. Perhaps you remember an occasion when you pushed another kid down, or whacked them in the head, or told them that you didn’t want to play with them because they’re [something not nice]. More than likely you did it to a sibling because they were being annoying (and when siblings are annoying, they need to be put into their place).

Either way, someone ends up crying. 

So, of course, some parents come running up to the scene, like the heroes they are, and try to mediate the situation. 

“Say you’re sorry!” they say with a stern voice. While you’re thinking to yourself but I don’t wanna…

They repeat the demand with a more intense tone. You might know that tone as meaning you’re gonna get it in the park or at home, so choose wisely. You manage to muster a pitiful, eye-contact-avoiding kind of “sorry” from your lips, and supposedly the situation has now poofed into happy sparkles in the air. Everyone’s happy, right? 

Wrong. 

Classic and accurate. 

But wait…let’s say you were the kid crying for the apology. You felt betrayed. You got hurt. You just wanted to play with and befriend the other child who did you dirty. You didn’t want to make the situation worse, you just wanted to feel validated, you wanted to feel as if you belonged, and you wanted some sort of permission to know that your feelings were okay and deserved to be acknowledged. 

Moral of the story: we’ve been both the apologizer and the apologize-ee. We’ve hurt and we’ve been hurt, but the act of apologizing is not instinctual. We had to learn it. That’s why our internalized views on apologies, their effectiveness, and the role they play in relationships, is highly dependent on what we learned from guardians and teachers who shaped those views.  For those of us who haven’t been given repentance from adults, elders, or other children when we needed it most, we more than likely have adopted the theory that apologizing equates to losing power, admitting a sense of inadequacy, or plain humiliation. Refusing to apologize may provide a feeling of empowerment and a greater sense of self-worth, but I’m going to let you in on a secret: that’s just your ego speaking.

We need to let go of the narrative that apologizing is what the “weaker” or “wrong” person does, and realize that apologizing is how we affirm our humanity. You and I know we’re not immune to making mistakes — that part is okay. What’s not okay is our lack of care, awareness, and compassion for others. What’s really not okay is letting our egos keep us from taking true responsibility for our mistakes. 

 

Ways to Ruin An Apology

I get it, apologizing is a vulnerable act; however, it’s an essential first step toward healing, owning the damage that was caused, and making amends to rectify the situation; therefore, apologizing matters! As adults, no one (usually) is there to say, “hey, you did/said a shitty thing, now you need to go to that person and say you’re sorry.” More than likely, no is reminding you that it’s better to apologize for a wrongdoing than to pretend like you’re owning up to your poor behaviors by oversimplifying the situation. 

Fake apologies or crummy ways of “taking responsibility” for a wrongdoing sounds like: 

• “Yeah, okay, you’re right…”
• “I get it, I was wrong…I’d be mad, too…”
• “It wasn’t like that…”
• “I’m sorry, but you made me [xyz]…”
• “I’m sorry YOU feel that way…”
• “Okay sorry, but…”
• “I’m sorry if I hurt you…”
• “Alright alright alright, I’m SOR-RY.”

These are not apologies.

These responses portray a few things that could be going on:

1. The person is experiencing a lack of awareness and empathy (which is why they can’t see the fault in their actions or see any “purposeful reason” for granting an apology at all) 
2. They are avoidant and fearful of being held guilty because the risk of such judgement will hurt their ego (which is seen in how they try to defend themselves, push blame on you for “making them” do whatever they did, and/or maintain a sense of perfection through their unwillingness to take responsibility for their actions)
3. They’re anxious — whether to stop feeling like the one in the wrong, to get out of an uncomfortable situation, or to avoid conflict — so they speed through a pitiful, emotionless, slap-a-band-aid-on-it kind of apology (usually masked under their sarcasm and quick jump to shut down the conversation)

If there’s anything I hope you take from this article, it’s this:

AN APOLOGY WITHOUT CHANGE
IS JUST MANIPULATION! 

So if you’re the apologizer — remember that your apology is invalid without a change in behavior or action to amend the problem.

If you’re the apologize-ee — remember that an apology without changed behavior wasn’t an apology (I’ll write more about what you can do about this later in the article). 

Granted you’re still reading this, I already know you’re old enough to make the choice to be mature about your actions. You’re old enough to know that when you make mistakes, you can always turn back around and say, “Hey, that wasn’t right of me. Excuses aside, I’m sorry I hurt you. This is what I’ll do to make it up to you…” And then do that! So here, 

This Is How You Lend a Real Apology:

 

1. Actually mean it! If you’ve hurt another person, but can’t find it within yourself to apologize, you probably have very strongly held beliefs around apologizing as a shameful act. In that case, more self-reflection and unpacking of those beliefs is necessary (and goes beyond the scope of this post). Inauthentic apologies are meaningless without action, and unless you genuinely care about mending the hurt inflicted on someone else, you’ll only continue to manipulate a relationship you might not truly value. And in that case, you’re more than likely dragging that other person along while inducing false hopes that you will do better. Please don’t do this.

2. Acknowledge your fault & their feelings. This is undoubtedly the hardest part of an apology because we have to learn how to accept that the vulnerability required to execute a genuine apology is highly necessary and absolutely essential.

Naming what you did wrong without blaming or defending yourself is key. Of course, your experience may have saw and interpreted a totally different reality (for example, maybe you thought what you were doing wouldn’t be taken offensively), so I do think that sometimes telling your side of the story can help another person understand the situation from a different perspective; however, that is not a freebie. Your explanation is still an excuse and it cannot be seen as a permission slip to avoid an apology nor is it a ticket to automatic forgiveness. 

Tips to remember:

• • Avoid the use of “if…” — this is not a matter of “if” you hurt another person. Saying things like, “I’m sorry if I offended you” or “Sorry if you took what I said offensively” are both examples of disregarding and denying your faults.
  • Avoid the use of “but…” — this is a form of justification and, just like saying “if,” it completely skips over that part where you fully acknowledge the pain you inflicted. Saying things like, “…but it wasn’t like that” or “…but you made me [xyz]” are two examples of contradicting an entire apology. 
  • Avoid the use of “I guess…” — Saying something like, “I guess I should’ve [xyz]” or “I guess I’m sorry” are obviously weak terms. Apologize like you mean it, don’t just guess.

3. Don’t make the person YOU hurt feel bad for being hurt. This is a very real privilege that the wrongdoer has, and that is the fact that they don’t have to feel the pain they inflicted. Guilt is one thing, but saying things like, “I really don’t know why you took it that way,” or “Why would you get so offended by [xyz]?” are both examples of how to inflict more pain because they’re invalidating another person’s experience and feelings. Perhaps try saying something like, “I’m sorry, that was insensitive of me. I want you to know it won’t happen again.”

4. TAKE ACTION.  The most important part to an apology is actually changing your behaviors from then on forward. That means being more attentive and mindful around your actions, your words, and the way you treat other people. This is not a chore that hangs like a cloud over your head, this is a highly valuable social skill. Being lazy and refusing to be more mindful about how you treat others is narcissistic and won’t get you too far in your relationships. Doing better — that is becoming a better version of yourself — as a friend, a parent, a sibling, a coworker, a son/daughter, and a stranger, is an essential part of living a true and meaningful human experience, is it not? 

To sum it up, here’s a nice drawing from @introvertdoodles:

 

Learning How to Accept Apologies

I’m going to keep this section as short and sweet as possible.

Accept or appreciate – then be done. Accepting an apology means you know a person messed up but you value the relationship enough to forgive and pursue maintaining contact. Totally cool if that’s what you choose to do. Appreciating an apology means you accept the apology, but don’t want to pursue maintaining contact with the other person. Totally fair decision. So you have the choice to accept an apology or simply appreciate it, but to dig for more out of an already granted apology or to completely disregard and reject one’s vulnerability in giving you an apology is unnecessary.

I can understand that sometimes when we’re wronged by a person then we want revenge or, at the very least, to give the victimizer a “taste of their own medicine.” But at that point you’re pulling a second wrong to top their wrong…and what did we learn as kids? Two don’t make a right, that’s correct. 

Let’s not forget to mention…I personally know people who belittle and annul other’s apologies (mine included) and from those personal experiences, not only does it naturally make me want to avoid apologizing ever again but it also further deepens the problematic situation. We can’t always expect apologies to lead to one problem-solving conclusion, but if it’s time you need to process the situation, then give that to yourself. If it’s self-forgiveness you need, then give yourself permission to work on that. But let’s be the bigger person.

Appreciation does not equal forgiveness. Just like an apology doesn’t always make everything all better, an apology doesn’t always equate to automatic forgiveness. If you’re not ready to forgive someone for their poor behaviors, that is okay. Moreover (revisiting #1 above), exploiting someone’s apology in search to extract “more” from the apology or from the apologizer is not productive to any situation. Not everything is forgivable so if that’s the case for you, then you can accept the apology by appreciating it was given, and moving on.

 

 

Forgiveness Without An Apology

So let’s say you’re waiting for an apology you might not receive. This can often feel like an excruciating waiting game…

But there’s two options you have here: instead of waiting for one (which usually gets you nowhere), you can communicate that you were, and are, still hurt by another person’s words or actions. The second option is that you can offer yourself closure, and move on. 

Every situation is different, but usually an overdue apology could very much be the clot plugging the artery. In order for the relationship to get back into a comfortable flow, one might need their hurt feelings and anxieties to be recognized and put at ease, respectively. This is perfectly normal. And what’s more, treading these waters needn’t be a struggle! Sometimes people aren’t always thinking about how they might have hurt us, they may not recognize your discomfort, or they might be trying to avoid conflict and/or an uncomfortable conversation altogether by sweeping it under the rug until its all “forgotten.”

In any case, saying something like “Hey, I’m still uncomfortable by this situation, and I feel ‘x’ when you did/said ‘x.’” Just a heads up, the more calm and collected you approach a situation, the more likely a person will respond with less defensiveness, so make sure you’ve granted yourself enough processing time to accept that an apology may be delivered and it may not. 

If a person refuses to apologize for pain they inflicted, you have two more options. After time has passed, you can ask yourself if the apology you wanted was really necessary to unplug the artery and keep things flowing. Sometimes it’s not, and that’s okay! There were plenty of times my brother had hit me, called me names, etc. (and vice versa), yet today we’re closer than ever. Sure, he’s family, but I can say the same thing about my best friend from childhood!

Oftentimes, however, these types of scenarios are what lead us to hold deeply subconscious grudges against people.. Ever heard about death by a hundred paper cuts? Yeah, this’ll do it. The paper cut is tiny, it seems minor, it seems like if you can just look past someone’s faults and keep flowing — even through a little crack in the clot of the artery. But that clot will keep slowing you down; it will keep blocking your ability to glide freely. And without properly set boundaries, this can often be a permission slip for people to keep acting up because now they’ve learned they can.

And here we are at the gate of: Know Your Gosh Darn Worth!! 

Closure feels important, how else does one explain the inexplainable? We just want answers, and then we can move on! But someone’s inability to apologize and make sense of an injury caused is not your responsibility to adopt. Everyone’s experiences in life vary; what they know to be right could be vastly different from what you expect from the world. Their reality is just as valid as yours, but if your energies don’t align then they’re not for you — and this stands true for both intimate relationships, familial relationships, and friendships.

I know, it’s easier said than done. It’s so easy to read Sab’s article telling you to know your worth, but I promise you that getting an apology from someone who didn’t (or doesn’t) want to give it to you will not leave you feeling any better than you do now. The only closure you can continue to give yourself is the affirmation that you are okay, you are safe, and the light shining over your life is not dimmed without them.

Giving yourself closure is a practice.
Knowing your worth in a world that is pushing you to internalize false subliminal messages about yourself is a practice.
Moving forward without an apology is a practice.

Please give yourself grace.

To all my peeps who might be finding it hard to apologize right now, this is for you. ♥

I can’t finish this post without showing a little remorse for the apologizer, too. While I will encourage and fight for more people to start learning how to apologize and actually engage in genuine apologies, they can be really difficult and leave people feeling extremely vulnerable. The higher the intensity of the fault, the harder the apology can feel, but don’t let “hard” be the reason you don’t connect with the true human experience. We all do wrong, and we all have been wronged — neither side feels good. But you do have the power to release yourself from the constraints of guilt, whether you’ll be forgiven or not. And even if that forgiveness doesn’t come, you can move forward knowing that you will do better, and be a better version of yourself, tomorrow. 

And for my apologize-ee: Let’s set our boundaries a little better, bring our standards a little higher, and offer ourselves more self-assurance by finding self-compassion in our pain, giving ourselves permission to feel it, and know that, despite the pain we will inevitably endure, we are, and always will be, whole.

Sending virtual warm hugs…

XOXO,
Sab

 

Hacks to Happiness: Who Is Our Highest Self & How Do We Reach Them?

Talking about our “highest” self isn’t a discussion brought up too often — unless we’re in a dispensary…

buh-dum-tsss.

 

So who is our “Highest Self?” What does it mean? 

 

Our highest self is our deepest intuition. It’s the part of us that works from insight, excites inspiration, and guides us with intention — so long as we choose to listen and remain in connection with it. 

Other terms for it are our “value-guided self,” our “wisest self,” our “inner self,” and even “our gut instinct” — and I will be exchanging these terms as I continue this post so do not be confused; they all refer to the same deeper part of our conscious. 

In any case, the name is meant to emphasize that our thoughts and consciousness run deeper than what is presented on the surface. That’s because we don’t see someone’s deepest or wisest self through their race, ethnicity, status, or trendy, flashy things. We only see it based on the example they set and how they treat both others and themselves. Our highest self is our own individual guiding principle that leads us toward what we value most, and that’s cultivated through lots of self-reflection and action. 

With the amount of distractions, temptations, and loud noise we experience on a daily basis from family, friends, professors, media, society, cultural beliefs, religious values, and even our own combative thoughts, it requires quite some energy to deflect all the clamor and dig deeper into what we believe, what change we want to see in the world, and what it will take from us to go after, or become, that. 

 

Building A Connection with Your Highest Self 

 

Introspection is built just like a muscle. The more we use it, the stronger it gets. 

We have to remind ourselves to be still, to listen, and to practice blocking out the distractions when we are listening to our value-guided self. Some examples of what this may look like are: 

• following through with what you said you’d do for someone — even when it turns out to be an inconvenience
• following through with what you said you’d do for yourself — even when it turns out to be an inconvenience 
• not playing by dating game rules everyone seems to encourage because you know deep down you’d rather find a love more mature and genuine than that 
• telling your boss you’re too swamped on other projects to take on a new one (#boundaries)
• granting yourself a weekend of space and the true rest and recovery you need instead of going out with friends or filling your schedule with things you feel you “have” to do
• scheduling a time away from work, school, or other obligations just to go out with friends and have fun
• partaking in the activities you love to do, or want to try, regardless if you’re good at them or not
• fighting and being an advocate for movements you’re passionate about 
• standing up for what you believe in, for yourself, and for others in the face of affliction

 

The more we listen to our value-guided / highest- / wisest- self and go forth with intention, we’ll notice the reward from our practice. 

Just think back to the first time you started your current favorite hobby. Perhaps you felt uncoordinated, a little disjointed, and maybe even a little embarrassed about your ignorance around the activity. When I first started bodybuilding the exercise I loathed, but knew I needed to do, were pull-ups. I had to remind and push myself to do them at least every other day because as hard as they were, I knew I wanted to get better at them so they could strengthen my other lifts.

There were days I skipped them completely because I listened to the noise in my head saying they’re too hard…you’re tired today…you’re probably not even going to get 1½…just do them next time. However, the more I blocked out that noise, that is the more diligent I was with keeping up my practice, the stronger I felt myself becoming. Eventually, I felt that strength begin to seep into my other lifts; it improved my posture, and let’s be real, I felt like a bad ass. Eventually I came to love Back-and-Bis Day.  

Watching how our confidence and self-trust evolves (through the act of making value-guided decisions and going after what we truly desire to see, and be, in this life) is a powerful feeling. Smaller acts of meditation, reflection, and action add up to bigger acts of kindness and confidence, and eventually we come to enjoy the process and develop a gratitude for the situations we’re put in. We begin to trust ourselves and our ability to handle them, more and more. 

However, it should be mentioned that this doesn’t mean we can reach a “rite of passage,” so to speak, that automatically grants us an easy-peasy life. To consistently improve, we must consistently practice.   

 

When Your Highest Self Leads You Toward Consequence 

**These two statements are incredibly important to remember, so please do not skim over this.**

***

1. We only know what we know when we know it.

Slow down. Read that again: we only know…what we know…when we know it.

 

2. We cannot know what we don’t know until we know it.

Alright. One more time: we cannot know…what we don’t know…until we know it. 

***

Just because we listen to our value-guided self doesn’t mean we will know the outcome of a situation. And it certainly doesn’t mean we will always be right! That’s because our value-guided self can only lead us toward what we currently know and believe is the best decision.

The hardest part of listening to our highest self is not, in fact, the process of listening and going after something; the hardest part is overcoming the fear that somewhere in that process we could be wrong; it’s overcoming the fear that we could be disturbing the peace and very well be making others uncomfortable.

In first grade, there was a boy who consistently teased and picked on me and although I picked back, he almost always got away with it. One day during group time, he mouthed the words “fuck you” to me (I couldn’t make this up if I wanted to). I quickly interrupted the session and yelled out, “[he] just said the f-word to me!!” And unfortunately, we both got detention. Yeup, my first detention ever because I decided I would tolerate that boy’s meanness no longer!

Silly as it seems, there is something to be said about the fact that telling my teacher about him is what I knew, in that moment, would grant me the justice I deserved. Sure, in the end, as a consequence we both received detention, but I learned that next time I’d make sure to wait until after group time to seek justice. 

The issues I faced as a seven year old seem minor to my now 23 year old self, but the practice of refining what my wisest self knows is a demonstration that remains the same.  When there are consequences to our value-guided behavior, we can trust that our wisest self will always lead us toward what we believe to be right and we will survive through, learn about, and take educational advantage of our mistakes.

And if others become uncomfortable, let them stay that way. Our discomfort is an opportunity to explore our biases, our fears, and our insecurities. Our discomfort is our own responsibility, not someone else’s. Therefore, in pursuing what your wisest, highest self is leading you toward, bare in mind that ensuring everyone else is comfortable is not, and will never be, part of your journey.

 

Measuring Your Success 

 

So many of us base success on the outcome of a situation. Whether that be on someone’s response (or lack thereof), people’s reactions, if a proposal goes through, if we get the job, or get accepted into a program — the list is endless.

But what if we determined success on our ability to show up in a value-guided way.

The goal is to be clear about our values and be intentional about how we live up to them –  for ourselves, for our relationships, for strangers, and especially for those we may not agree with. We needn’t be perfect in our pursuits; we simply need to do the best we can. And if that turns out flawed, we pursue the next right thing.

Lisa Laughman, a social worker from Michigan State University, said it perfectly in her recent webinar:

“I get to navigate my mistakes whole heartedly and in a value-guided way. And then I get to like myself better over time [while] holding way less emotional baggage.”

– Essential Skills for Navigating Difficult Times (Session: 6/6) –

Notice the verbiage: we get to navigate our mistakes. We needn’t see it as a burden, but rather an advantage, a gift. And that’s a powerful way to look at our shortcomings because what we do holds just as much importance as the language we use around it.

^^^

Holding Space for others & Their Highest Selves

 

During difficult moments when someone is honoring their emotions in your presence, they are placing a sacred trust in you by sharing that experience with you. The most important thing for any one of us to do when that person is uncomfortable, hurting, and confused are the following three things:

1. Remove any judgement

This is not a proper time nor is it your place to offer personal opinions. However strongly you feel about a situation, put it on hold for a while. Simply be there with that person; remain present.

Suspend any comments that resemble things like,

– See, I told you this would happen…
– I wish you would have listened to me…
– There’s nothing you can do about it now so it makes no sense to cry…
– Please don’t be upset…
– Look at the bright side; things could be so much worse…
– Well at least you — …

2. Don’t fix, do validate 

When holding space for another person, our main job is to listen. It’s super important we demonstrate that we care about how that person is feeling. We don’t need to be the problem solver, the fixer, the I’ll-Make-Everything-All-Better man; we just need to identify how a person is feeling and attempt to empathize with it.

Appropriate comments sound more like,

– What you’re going through is really hard…
– I can only imagine how painful this must be for you…
– So what I’m hearing you say is ___…am I hearing that right?
– I might not know what’s the best thing to say, but know that I am here for you…

3. Understand the situation through their lens, not yours.

An incredibly profound quote from Allyson Dinneen says, “Wanting people to feel better isn’t helpful if it is our idea of ‘better’ and not theirs.”

Holding space for another person is not a means of fixing, judging, or evaluating what you think the outcome should look like. Empathy is a means of attempting to understand an experience through their eyes, and through their eyes only. This means we need to be asking more questions than we are making statements.

How you would’ve attempted to handle the situation does not help, it does not validate, and it certainly does not make someone in a vulnerable state feel better.

Questions you can ask that might propel some self-reflection without offering answers or refuting their feelings sound like,

– Who established the rule you’re having around how you’re feeling?
– What would you like to do about this?
– What is the next best thing you can do for yourself now?
– I’m proud of you…will you call me to let me know how it went?

---

I wanted to write this post without bias toward any specific relationship to religion, witchcraft, or zodiac signs, but it’s worth mentioning that tapping into our highest self is a lifelong practice and study that even monks and spiritual gurus today have a hard time describing. Meditation and quietness is encouraged so much across so many spiritual practices because we cannot get through difficult times when our thoughts and emotions are stuck in the obnoxiously dark and discouraging stores of our mind. 

We must remember that while our practice is individual and unique, we are and always will be support systems for one another. Our power to help others and ourselves lies solely within our ability to be present, to encourage without judgement or attitudes of superiority, and to remind each other that no matter what, we can be reliable foundations of love, calmness, and acceptance whenever the going gets tough.

If we can hold this kind of safe space for ourselves, we can do that for others; and in doing so for others, we strengthen and improve our ability to do it for ourselves. It’s a cycle.

Building a connection to your inner gut instinct is a skill, and it’s a contagious one at that. By listening, you bestow a gift of trust to yourself, and you bestow a gift of permission for others to give to themselves. And I’ll say, witnessing the reward that comes from doing so, especially when we use it to navigate difficult situations, is a pretty happy experience, indeed.

New Baltimore, Michigan 

Sending you joy going into the week!

XOXO,
Sab

Hacks to Happiness: In the Face of Adversity

In last week’s post I touched on how happiness is not such a blatantly obvious endeavor.

Oftentimes the things that will really make us happier in the long-run are those that aren’t so pretty on the surface; they often tend to be blessing in disguise or take a little more time and effort than we intended to put forth.

This week I’m talking about pain and suffering. What could be so “happy” about the thought of that, you may ask? Well, let’s get into it, shall we?

 

First and foremost, experiencing pain is an intense paradox. 

 

Contrary to our initial reaction, pain is such an intricate and valuable piece of the human experience. Of course, there is absolutely no diminishing, pretending, or even ignoring that in the wake of heartbreak, loss, illness, injury, abandonment, or another, it feels like a negative experience and it feels personal.

Without these moments, however, we can’t evolve or modify aspects of our lives for the better, we can’t grow mentally, professionally, or even physically, and we can’t truly know happiness, joy, or gratitude on a personal level. 

No matter what happens to us, it’s the shift in our mindset during the aftermath of those times that really determines if we can hack happiness or if we will continue to view life through a dark lens.

Analyzing influential figures and the wise-words spoken during their speeches or told in their captivating stories, we witness the effects of their triumph after they’ve walked along the most difficult roads. We observe people’s rise to the top only after they’ve endured trials and tribulations. And the admirable art we view, envy, or simply appreciate, is most often created out of, or inspired by, affliction.

 

Let’s think about a hard situation we’ve already surpassed …

 

Think back to a heartbreak you’ve experienced in the past since this is something we’ve all been through. No doubt it sucked, right?  We can be sure that heartbreak in the future will suck, too; however, we can take that occasion and consider what we may have done afterward. 

Did we feel sorry for ourselves? Tell ourselves we’ll never be loved again? Think up scenarios where we wouldn’t be able to find another person as fun, as comforting, as intelligent, or as sexy as them? Mope around for a while?

Yeah. Don’t be shy, you’ve done it and so have I. It is impossible to just stop feeling angry, sad, resentful, and betrayed in the middle of it’s sensation. The best way out is through…

But what did we do after that? 

We remembered who the hell we are, right? Maybe you learned what you really want out of a relationship and/or what you won’t tolerate in your next one. Maybe you learned how to appreciate the company of your friends and family a little more. Maybe you focused on your health and a new hobby by putting more effort into traveling or learning how to roller skate (just as examples). Maybe you even got back into the dating game as a reminder that the world is an incredibly big playground for you to play on and explore.

I mean, when you have so many qualities to offer, why sit on the bench and watch while everyone else plays?  

Pain is what catalyzes growth, learning, and self-discovery. We refine ourselves, we find ourselves, and we let go of unnecessary parts of ourselves when we experience misfortunes, hardship, and challenges. We must remember that it’s the hard moments that create the most rewarding pieces of art, and that’s exactly how we come to fully embrace the blessing of being joyful and happy.

 

Dwelling for long periods of time

 

When we think about grief, many of us picture losing a loved one. But grief applies to everything. We’ve grieved the loss of normalcy as this pandemic has forced us out of our comfortable routines; we’ve grieved the loss of a character in a film or TV show, we’ve grieved a faltering friendship, the end to our favorite pair of shoes’ life, the end of festival season, etc. 

One thing all of these examples have in common is that the grieving process behind them do not have a time limit. There are stages in the grieving process (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) so if there are any “recommendations” or “guidelines” its about about how much time in each stage is “healthy,” but essentially, everyone processes emotions differently and at different paces. 

I do believe time is an important factor when we’re going through a hard break-up, a loss, or the diagnosis of someone’s illness AND — I’m avoiding the use of ‘but’ because this is not a contradictory statement — and so is diligent mindfulness around our mourning.

By that I mean we have to bring some awareness to our progress when suffering otherwise we may get stuck in the comfort of our grief.  

Which sounds weird, right? Who wants to remain stuck in a place of grief? 

Many people, actually. Severity levels vary among situations and people’s individual coping mechanisms. Have you ever felt sad on a drive home and decided to turn on sad music to mock, deepen, and wallow in your depression? I’ve done it on more occasions than I can count. I could’ve played cheery music or a podcast, but I wanted to be sad. 

This is not, technically, a bad thing. We simply should remain mindful around how often we do it because the goal is progress in emotional regulation. If we start noticing that we want to be sad all of the time, that is a sure sign we need extra support and guidance in our grieving process. In such a case, seeking out a counselor, therapist, or trusted mentor is necessary.  

 

How the phrase “it could be worse…” actually makes it worse

 

These five words create an expression that is, in my humble opinion, very controversial.

The only time we tend to rehearse this statement is when we’re saying it to someone else, right? We utilize the phrase with good intentions at heart, but what we’re really insinuating is that one’s situation isn’t that bad, therefore, they should be, in some sense, grateful. Sometimes it can be a helpful statement to remember when the going gets tough, but in the end “it could be worse” prolongs our recovery and coping process. 

“It could be worse,” is instead, a phrase that actually has more power to invalidate our situation and belittle the emotions we have around it. When we don’t grant ourselves (or others) the space needed to come to full awareness, or to have a full grieving and healing process because, well, “it could be worse,” we are stripping our (and their) experience of its value and meaning.

Think about it: almost everything could be worse! The only reason we have the ability to compare and contrast these sorts of factors in our life is because our circumstances are incredibly varied. But each person’s reality is unique and individual to them. 

It makes no sense, for example, to compare my stress levels to that of the nurses fighting Coronavirus right now. Our realities are too different.

Yes, telling myself “it could be worse” reminds me that I’m lucky to be home safe with my family at this time, but the stress I feel for being unemployed when I’m starting grad school in the Fall, the discouragement I feel when I want certain friends to initiate conversations with me first, and the irritation of being around my parents for too long cannot just so simply be brushed aside because “it could be worse.” That doesn’t relieve the load from my situation regardless of how “light” it is compared to someone else’s.

Remember that your experience is yours. You needn’t place it in a worse- versus better- than category. It’s just different, and that’s okay.

 

All of this is to say: 

The constant cycle between joy and hardship is essential to our humanity because without it we can’t know what it means to be alive. 

 

As the wise Maya Angelou once said, “You need a little rain to make a rainbow.”

We need to suffer before we can persevere, we need to fail before we can succeed, and we need to experience some pain before we can fully understand our capacity to feel joy. To hack happiness, even when we’re stressed and suffering, is to acknowledge our pain, to accept that it is inevitable, and to remember that it is not going to last forever.

 

---

 

Next week, I’m going to hack into happiness by expanding on what it means to live our truth — AKA: live a life true to who we are. And if you still haven’t entirely figured out who your “truest self” is, I’ll draw on how you can figure it out! 😉 

Enjoy your week, and I’ll see you next Monday…

XOXO,
Sab ♥

Hacks to Happiness: Isn’t it Obvious?!

Regardless of what we want out of life, the underlying basis for all of our desires remains the same:

We just want to be happy.

Really, there’s not a whole lot we wouldn’t do to be happy, but is that what’s leading us to settle for the quicker, more blatant versions of happiness?

Let’s look at some examples,

• We know we want a deeper, emotional connection with a special person, but we settle for the first one who seems the slightest bit of nice, the fairest amount of willing, and the quickest to excite the butterflies in our bellies — even if only temporary. 
• We know we want an A on our group project, but if we do the bare minimum and leave the “smarter” people on the team to do their thing, we won’t have to work so hard.
• We know we want to live debt free, but to have the newest phone, shoes, clothing collection, game-set, etc. sounds so much more enticing right now.
• We know at a very subconscious level that it’s easier to accept certain faulty dynamics in our closest relationships, even if we don’t like them.

But let’s be honest…

• We know it takes more patience and effort to find and invest in a special kind of love;
• We know we’ll have more confidence in our work ethic if we actually give our best toward a project;
• We know we’ll have more pleasure in our financial freedom if we just stay strong and pay off our debts first;
• And of course, we know we could feel more fulfilled, respected, and at ease in our relationships if we harnessed our voice, stated our boundaries, and even showed more appreciation for those relationships ourselves. 

Many of us find ourselves in pursuit of justification and permission to take shortcuts in hopes we’ll receive something promising. It makes sense – our brains are working for dopamine and dopamine only. It’s no wonder we’re drawn to pretty answers, easy habits, and impulsive behaviors — our brains know what guarantees an immediate release of its beloved drug.

That’s why we have to be willing to slow-down a bit. 

 

How often have you stopped to really consider if what you want in this moment will make you proud when lying on your deathbed? 

I’ve read a number of articles – like this one – about the most common wishes of people in hospice, and most recently listened to a phenomenal podcast that reminded me to question if my pursuits are what my future self will thank me for.

Of course, I want to know my life as one where I worked to live, not one where I lived to work. I want to imagine that I was courageous enough to go after what I wanted, even if I faced rejection along the way, and that I was kind, that I loved deeply, and that I gave my all to the things and people I really cared about. And I think you do, too…

So now I want to ask you to think about the kind of decisions you’ve been making lately and whether they’ve been for the sake of a quick pick me up, or if they’re actually aligned with what your wisest self values… 

…are you nurturing relationships that reciprocate the same love, effort, and and care you give, or are you fueling toxic relationships that leave you anxious, confused, and left behind? 

…are you aiming for goals that will fulfill your desires or someone else’s?

…are you purchasing items that align with your values or  society’s values?

…are you handling your emotions with care or are you finding a means to suppress and numb them (drinking, smoking, Tinder-ing, trolling, drug abusing, etc.)?

…are what you put into your body reflections of self-care, or are they mostly serving the purpose of self-comfort? 

…are you actually practicing spirituality to mend and guide your soul, or are you following — maybe even pretending to be part of — a religious community because that’s what’s expected of you?

 

These questions are not the kind of questions we can answer on the fly; I know this. And quite frankly, they’re meant to go way deeper than just this article or even an encyclopedia on happiness could even begin to scratch on the surface.

For as long as humans have been on earth, we may feel like we should’ve found the blueprint to living a happy life by now, but all we know is that happiness takes effort, it takes consideration, and sometimes it takes standing in the face of fear to finally come into alignment with what our wisest self knows will truly bring us joy.

So what smaller strides can you and I both take that will help us stop settling for Happy’s superficial disguises?

Well, today happiness, to me, means practicing to…

• Keep the promises I made to myself, like posting this article as well as all my future blogs before 5pm every Monday…
• Getting in a workout, even though today is one of those days I just don’t feel like it, because I know once I’m done I’ll be less anxious and more energized…
• And it means being conscious of my family’s moodiness and choosing my battles wisely so that we can make homemade tacos and enjoy margaritas for Cinco de Mayo in peace ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

In Part 2 next week, I’ll be talking about the importance of the journey toward happiness and how we can make the best out of the worst situations…

See you then!

XOXO,
Sab ♥

Falling Too Hard, Too Quick – And What to Do About It

I’m sure you can think back to a story (Harry Potter? Judy Blume?), a poem (Edgar Allen Poe? Robert Frost?), or even a text (An old ex? A best friend?) that evoked a particular emotion within you.

Whether it was surprise, fear, guilt, inspiration, excitement — whatever feelings those words developed within you was pure proof that you don’t have to love reading in order to understand just how much of an impact words have on your thoughts and feelings.

This is because words have the power to change our perception of reality.

In order for us to comprehend our situations, to better understand what we’re experiencing, we create stories all the time. Body language, facial expressions, and tones of one’s voice help to create a clearer path to the story building. 

If we don’t have enough data or information to go by, the brain doesn’t leave blank spaces — it fills in what we think should be or might be what fits, and we roll with it (*cough cough* how we make assumptions *cough*).  

In dating, this is evident, because we constantly build stories around what we think we know.

Say you meet a guy or gal who attracted you by their style, their demeanor, their confidence, etc. and so you began to create a sort of “story” about them — which includes a mixture of guesses and desires to paint a more understandable picture of who you wanted and hoped they’d continue to be. Say you match with someone online — same thing happens except the difference is instead of a physical being, you use their pictures to help decipher what their presentation says about them. As conversations develop, you paint a picture based on what you want to see, what you want to feel, and the hope that all of your conclusions are correct as you progress.

First, please just remember: this is h u m a n  &  n o r m a l.

I find so many of us (myself most definitely included) believing that the one’s who can resist believing in or falling for their story are somehow “superior” because they didn’t have to suffer rejection, or the pain of having been “wrong” in their story. But these people didn’t get hurt because they weren’t really feeling anything at all.

Feeling nothing is not any better than feeling “too much.”

It seems like an attractive shield of protection to “not catch feelings,” but no healthy or admirable relationship ever flourished from the act of resistance. Ever. Period. We can feel excited, and then we can feel like we might have been wrong and that is okaaaaaaay! Feelings are simply feedback — and we cannot be closed off, stiff, or rigid to them because then we’ll never feel the full capacity of what it means to love someone.

What we can do is build skills around checking-in when those feelings are too heavy, overwhelming, or uncontrollable, and regulate them in a way that remains true to who we are and what we’re experiencing.

 

Regulate Before You Aggregate 

When we’re just getting to know someone we’re attracted to, feelings become overwhelming. We gather their kind words, gestures, and minor behaviors like collectibles which get stored in the cabinets of our minds. AKA: pieces of the story.

My goal here is not to strip this excitement from anyone (dating is meant to be f u n — believe it or not). My goal is to remind you to look inward and reset if necessary. 

Oftentimes we’re easily swooned by the butterflies that are ignited from the flirty texts, cute emojis, the random memes, or Snapchats, etc. And sometimes we’re easily swayed from the lack thereof! We can enjoy the feeling or be a little worried, but then we must gently remind ourselves to come back to center. 

3 Steps to Emotional Regulation in Dating:

1. Self Awareness – Mind & Body
   Excitement is a very healthy and outstanding feeling to have. It lights a fire of energy, usually in the form of “butterfly” flutters and angst. To get a better handle on it without shutting ourselves down (that’s not what this is meant to do), we need to exert that energy into something else.
   
   It can be through movement — dancing, stretching, running, boxing, etc. OR gaining control through meditative breathing. We can bring ourselves back to center by following the 4-7-8 technique, Nadi Shodhana (alternate nostril breathing), or even just taking 5 minutes to breath in sync with this captivating geometric movement (I’d recommend slowing it down to .75, though).
   
   On the same token we can sense when a situation feels off. Our intuition can tell when we’re experiencing sarcasm, passive-aggressiveness, lack of consideration, kindness, or simply not being heard. Sometimes we create excuses for these behaviors instead of approaching them with respect and expressing our concerns. We cannot suppress, numb, or play it off as a means to distract the feeling. We must acknowledge it and name it out loud, otherwise we’re not being true to ourselves – which will only cause more distress down the road.
    
2. Switching Roles
   Reversing the current roles being played out is key to bring more perspective to a situation. If you’re feeling off, or even if you sense you’re becoming head-over-heals for someone you just met, imagine that being your best friend, brother, sister, cousin or even parent bringing their concerns to your attention.

   How would you respond to them? What would your best advice to them be?
   
   Chances are you already have the answer. Listen to that. 

3. Self Compassion & Emotional Support
   There could be a chance we don’t have enough information or data and the anxiety we’re feeling about a situation was stirred up from past experiences. There could also be a chance that we know what’s best for us, but we don’t want to accept it yet. That pain is valid. Let yourself feel it. 

   Perhaps we’re just super thrilled to be back in the game again. Feeling desired, emotionally connected, and sexually attracted to someone is one of the best feelings in the world so why cut that feeling off?

   In either case, just remember to keep setting aside time to do things for yourself and come back into your power. What I mean by “come back to your power,” is to find your voice again, uncover your potential, and feel the full capacity of your confidence. This is the strength that helps us get through tough times. 

   
   But also know you mustn’t go about any of it alone. Our loved ones care about us, want to be there for us, and only want us to have what we deserve (greatness). Confide in them!! In times of pain and doubt, they are our emotional shields that help us channel and bring out the best from within. In times of overwhelm, they bring us back to neutral while still reminding us that we’re special and loved.

When You Can’t Trust Your Intuition 

Most of us are creatures of verity – we default to truth and believe that people are sincere, don’t mean harm, and deserve the benefit of the doubt (that is, of course, when it’s benefiting us). 

In regards to dating and being in love, we often don’t trust when we’re feeling a sense of distance, disconnection, non-reciprocated efforts, or “not-thereness.” Rather, we come up with excuses for those yellow flags in order to preserve our feelings and convince ourselves the other person means well, no matter what.

In other words, our rational decision making skills become faulty. If you’ve ever heard yourself say, “but it’s different when it’s just the two of us together…” while all your friends are calling it a “bad vibe,” this is overlooking the yellow flag.  If that is you, then listening to your intuition won’t be the answer.

Likewise, if you’re overly excited — that is, you’re already making future plans after the first or second date, or creating a story that’s far too detailed without your partner/potential partner in agreement — and you believe your friend’s plea to “relax a little” is making you angry…well, you’re overlooking your own yellow flag and your intuition can’t be trusted.

Don’t worry, everyone’s intuition is impaired when strong feelings are involved.

We must trust that we’re simply not a reliable source of rationality when our own excuses become too strong to break. Therefore, we need to allow our emotional support system to be our rock and bring us back to earth. By consciously letting down our defenses and simply taking a second to listen to those we trust and who, at that moment,  have clearer thinking than we do, we are opening a space for our future selves to thank us.

 

Build Yourself Up

I want to refrain from saying “focus on yourself,” because I realize how daunting and confusing that can be. How does one ‘focus’ on themselves? Isn’t that kinda narcissistic? 

It’s not. But I get the confusion so instead we’ll say that we need to “build ourselves up,” and by that I mean: look within to figure out what parts of ourselves need some extra lovin’. 

What are some hobbies you’ve lost touch with? Find yourself within them again. Or explore some new options and rediscover the capacity for joy and fulfillment you can feel within those new activities. 

What stimulates you intellectually? Can you remember some of your favorite ways to improve your mental health? If you’re not sure, set out to find them! (*cough cough* have you traveled lately?! *cough*) 

How can you preserve and nurture the relationships you already have that make you feel accepted and loved for who you are? Who are some people you miss and/or lost touch with? Can you find the courage to reach out and mend old friendships? If not, why? Maybe you can set on a mission to practice building that courage.

Building yourself does not have to be a lonesome endeavor. 

I can’t go on without mentioning that building yourself up is meant to be an exciting venture, but it’s not always a blissful or graceful journey. Building yourself up also means learning how to set boundaries, when to walk away, coming face-to-face with painful trauma, bringing awareness to flawed personality traits that developed from trauma and modifying them, etc. Not always easy, but worth it.

The greatest, most cherished temples/structures/establishments of our time were not built without difficulties. You can prepare to cross bridges as they arrive, but do not allow those bridges to end your journey before it even begins. 

I wish you the best on your adventure, nonetheless. And I wish you all the strength in finding your voice, your worth, and your capacity to feel everything with all of your heart. 

Sending good vibes!<3

XOXO,
Sab♥

Socially-Distant Dating?

We are obviously living in a time of drastic change.

All of our favorite places are closed, boarders are closed, many of us aren’t working, and if we’re being smart about our actions, we’re staying home.

Some people are stressed out financially and mentally. Some people are basking in their new-found free time. Some people are still living recklessly as if they and/or their family members aren’t susceptible to the dangers of the world right now (please don’t be this person), so dating is the last thing on their minds.

So what about the people still seeking partners; those who are online dating or are used to going out to bars, clubs, and parties to socialize and [low-key] search, and who no longer have that option? What does this social-distancing protocol mean for them?

 

It means it’s time for a
self-check.

That’s right. In the wise words of Ice Cube, “Checkity check yo’self before you wreck yo’self.” So I’ll expand — we can go about this in two days. The first is to decipher if we have the organized capacity to hold space for another person.

Whether facing a pandemic or not, this is an important factor to consider. When we have the “organized capacity” to hold space for someone, we’re feeling at ease with where we are. We’re either in, or are working toward, a career that brings a sense of purpose and reward to our lives. We feel comfortable with the relationships we have and are doing a good job nurturing them appropriately. Lastly, we feel mentally stable and, for the most part, independent. That is, we know how to make ourselves happy.

It’s a reckless, irresponsible, and unrealistic act to invite partners to “fill the gap,” as a means to “complete” or distract us from areas needing our individual attention. We could be setting ourselves up for failure as well as others, and that dependence turns to blame, pain, and dissatisfaction. In worst case scenarios, it turns into a toxic cycle of immaturity. The point is not to be perfect but to be comfortable with who and where we are.

We simply need to take this time to be the person we’re looking for. 

We attract people who mirror our insecurities, our anxieties, and the ways we treat ourselves, so it would be beneficial to improve our character and mental health first. I strongly believe our time spent in quarantine now will benefit our dating game later.

Does this mean we can’t still search for love? Or shouldn’t be online dating? Of course not! Which brings me to the second way we can self-check: by figuring out whether our dating behaviors align with our hopes, goals, and how we treat others. 

Although it may seem like people would not be thinking about dating, sexting, or calling during a pandemic, the numbers of people using dating apps like Hinge, Bumble, and Match say otherwise. Perhaps remaining at home with no where to go is forcing us to sit in our lonesomeness. Perhaps people are seeing more “couples content” on TikTok, YouTube, Instagram and Facebook and are being left to wonder where their boo is? Perhaps people are just straight up more bored than they ever were (if this is you, please refer back to option number one).

In any case, if we decide to continue dating during quarantine time it’s good to consider the few factors working in our favor:

1. Social distancing extends the period of getting to know one another through conversation before meeting – which could be safer and perhaps more telling if a person is a potential match or not.
2. It eliminates the pressure of random hook-ups – I hope this is a given…please don’t be reckless. 
3. It encourages talking over the phone and/or FaceTiming/Zooming/Skyping before meeting face-to-face.

Sure, it may seem like so much was taken away from us by COVID-19, but we can’t leave the positive aspects left before us to rot!

Instead, we can use these points to confirm if we’re using the apps for the right reason. What could we try differently now that we don’t have the option to meet in person? How can we improve our conversation-holding skills?

Maybe the new circumstances effecting us all will prompt a change. Maybe patience will become the new name of the game. Maybe people will start to care a little more and appreciate the process of getting to know other people. And maybe…just maybe, once the reigns are lifted, people will value face-to-face interactions before online interactions more than ever? Maybe we’ll begin to see a shift in dating culture for the better?

The optimistic thought is nice to conceptualize, but then again…once upon a time, when we weren’t locked inside due to a pandemic, it was easy to hop on a dating app to cure boredom and boost the ego for a hot second. Unfortunately, humans take much longer to change than the characters we admire in our favorite movies.

But who knows? We’re all living in a bubble of the unknown, and previous pandemics don’t necessarily give us a history of online-dating patterns to analyze and create educated predictions sooo…I guess we’ll have to wait and see!

Wherever this quarantine leads you, whether it’s toward finding love or finding yourself, I hope you go about it from a  place of dignity, patience, respect, and love.

~ Stay home, and stay safe ~

XOXO,
Sab♥