The Garden Analogy of Dating & Relationships

Dating can be fun, but if you’re in the game right now — and looking at it from the perspective I did — then you may be thinking that there’s something wrong with you if no one has “worked out” yet. Every passerby feels like they’re just confirmations that you’re unworthy of a special kind of love and will likely spend the rest of your life single. You may have accepted it, but I have a fun analogy that I think might put this into a nicer perspective, and put you into a higher spirit…

I like to think of ourselves in love and relationships like a garden. Maybe you’ve heard this before, but let’s dissect it a bit more.

We’re the gardeners, right? So we’re meant to tend to our peonies, orchids, and roses, and every other gorgeous flower that represents our highest selves (like, for example, our self-compassion, self-kindness, and self-trust), and to pull the weeds (of low self-esteem, self-doubt, shame, and toxicities of any kind).

You may have a picket fence protecting your garden, and you may not, so sometimes people can look (while you’re making it known they can’t touch), or you may only open the gates of the fence slowly and carefully.  In any case, whenever you’re ready to show off this garden to the world and welcome some visitors (AKA: start dating), then as the sole protector of this garden, you have to be aware of what those visitors are doing, if they’re helping you water, or if they’re killing your soil.

Some visitors, you’ll find, meander around just to check out all the plants before deciding to walk out (oftentimes unannounced), or they might want to help you tend to your garden. Here’s where you have to be careful: I’d [optimistically] say that most of those visitors either
A) don’t always realize if they’re watering your precious flowers or if they’re watering the dreaded weeds, or
B) they only know how to water the weeds of their own garden so that’s how they’re watering yours…

In other words, I don’t think every visitor is out to completely rip your garden to shreds. But each one that came and didn’t fit in quite right probably showed you an area of your garden that needed more TLC; maybe they pointed out that the weeds you had growing were already out of control and needed tending to that they didn’t want to help with; Or they taught you that you needed to pay more attention and be more careful about who you let into your garden and who you give a watering can to in the first place. 

But even after all the visitors that walked out with a lack of interest, or who watered the weeds and dried out the flowers, or those whose gardens you admired from afar while wishing they’d just notice yours, you have to believe that there will be someone who will see, and love, and help you nurture your garden healthily and joyfully. Together, you’ll find a way to combine efforts and make one huge picturesque, botanical beauty.

Through your experience with faithless visitors — you know, the ones came and went — I promise your intuition will simply know the helpful, the genuine, and the right visitor when they come. They’ll likely peak their head over the fence (if you have one) and ask with a big smile, “Hi, can I come in?” 

They’ll walk forward humbly, slowly, but confidently. They’ll look over your flowers with a careful eye and will ask how they can be part of the process to help. They’ll be interested in how you’ve grown your garden, they’ll be gentle, respectful, and they’ll even volunteer to help you pull the dreaded weeds that everyone else before them had a problem with.

They’ll be diligent and adamant that they pull them by the root so those weeds don’t have a space to grow again. AND THEN they’ll replant new flowers that you didn’t know existed. Those will grow into breath-taking lotuses (and if you didn’t know about the lotus flower, it grows in muddy, murky conditions, yet when it blooms it’s unstained). 

So that’s not to say this special visitor won’t make mistakes; it’s not to say that they won’t accidentally slip up from time to time, forgetting to help you water certain areas of your garden (they’ll also be tending to their own garden, don’t forget!), but they’ll go the extra mile to fix their mistakes. They’ll bring their unique skill set — that is, their patience, their empathy, their listening ear, their ability to communicate, and their love — and the “deadline” to when they stop won’t exist.

Because that’s what happens when people aren’t playing ding-dong-ditch at your garden entrance; that’s what happens when caring gardeners want to join forces with other thoughtful gardeners who plant and pull weeds intelligently, but who also have ideas that could benefit their craft. 

All of this is to say, KEEP WATERING, NURTURING, AND COMPASSIONATELY TENDING TO YOUR GARDEN. Work on maintaining the nutritious seeds of patience, genuine kindness, and self-confidence into the foundation of your soil. Weeds may grow, but they won’t distract the right visitor, at least not early on. If they do, that visitor will have the heart to make sure those weeds disappear (they won’t poke and prod, water, and forget to pull them).

Remain hyper-vigilant of your garden. If anyone, and I mean anyone, brings on a sense that they’re questionable, then they are! Don’t take that lightly; your intuition is too powerful to not trust it. 

As a final note, remember that not all visitors are meant to stay — that includes the quick passerby’s and the super helpful ones who we thought and wanted to stay. Just because one really great visitor leaves doesn’t mean that your garden will die; don’t let that happen. We will always, always be able to keep supporting the flowers they planted even when they’re gone.

As for anyone else, keep a close eye over how they treat your garden. Open the gate for those who want out, and kindly guide the confused ones to the exit. The more space you have for the right visitor, the better! And once they peek their head over your fence, or at least keep showing up to the entrance until you invite them in, they will do whatever it takes to stay.

XOXO,
Sab

Hacks to Happiness: Who Is Our Highest Self & How Do We Reach Them?

Talking about our “highest” self isn’t a discussion brought up too often — unless we’re in a dispensary…

buh-dum-tsss.

 

So who is our “Highest Self?” What does it mean? 

 

Our highest self is our deepest intuition. It’s the part of us that works from insight, excites inspiration, and guides us with intention — so long as we choose to listen and remain in connection with it. 

Other terms for it are our “value-guided self,” our “wisest self,” our “inner self,” and even “our gut instinct” — and I will be exchanging these terms as I continue this post so do not be confused; they all refer to the same deeper part of our conscious. 

In any case, the name is meant to emphasize that our thoughts and consciousness run deeper than what is presented on the surface. That’s because we don’t see someone’s deepest or wisest self through their race, ethnicity, status, or trendy, flashy things. We only see it based on the example they set and how they treat both others and themselves. Our highest self is our own individual guiding principle that leads us toward what we value most, and that’s cultivated through lots of self-reflection and action. 

With the amount of distractions, temptations, and loud noise we experience on a daily basis from family, friends, professors, media, society, cultural beliefs, religious values, and even our own combative thoughts, it requires quite some energy to deflect all the clamor and dig deeper into what we believe, what change we want to see in the world, and what it will take from us to go after, or become, that. 

 

Building A Connection with Your Highest Self 

 

Introspection is built just like a muscle. The more we use it, the stronger it gets. 

We have to remind ourselves to be still, to listen, and to practice blocking out the distractions when we are listening to our value-guided self. Some examples of what this may look like are: 

• following through with what you said you’d do for someone — even when it turns out to be an inconvenience
• following through with what you said you’d do for yourself — even when it turns out to be an inconvenience 
• not playing by dating game rules everyone seems to encourage because you know deep down you’d rather find a love more mature and genuine than that 
• telling your boss you’re too swamped on other projects to take on a new one (#boundaries)
• granting yourself a weekend of space and the true rest and recovery you need instead of going out with friends or filling your schedule with things you feel you “have” to do
• scheduling a time away from work, school, or other obligations just to go out with friends and have fun
• partaking in the activities you love to do, or want to try, regardless if you’re good at them or not
• fighting and being an advocate for movements you’re passionate about 
• standing up for what you believe in, for yourself, and for others in the face of affliction

 

The more we listen to our value-guided / highest- / wisest- self and go forth with intention, we’ll notice the reward from our practice. 

Just think back to the first time you started your current favorite hobby. Perhaps you felt uncoordinated, a little disjointed, and maybe even a little embarrassed about your ignorance around the activity. When I first started bodybuilding the exercise I loathed, but knew I needed to do, were pull-ups. I had to remind and push myself to do them at least every other day because as hard as they were, I knew I wanted to get better at them so they could strengthen my other lifts.

There were days I skipped them completely because I listened to the noise in my head saying they’re too hard…you’re tired today…you’re probably not even going to get 1½…just do them next time. However, the more I blocked out that noise, that is the more diligent I was with keeping up my practice, the stronger I felt myself becoming. Eventually, I felt that strength begin to seep into my other lifts; it improved my posture, and let’s be real, I felt like a bad ass. Eventually I came to love Back-and-Bis Day.  

Watching how our confidence and self-trust evolves (through the act of making value-guided decisions and going after what we truly desire to see, and be, in this life) is a powerful feeling. Smaller acts of meditation, reflection, and action add up to bigger acts of kindness and confidence, and eventually we come to enjoy the process and develop a gratitude for the situations we’re put in. We begin to trust ourselves and our ability to handle them, more and more. 

However, it should be mentioned that this doesn’t mean we can reach a “rite of passage,” so to speak, that automatically grants us an easy-peasy life. To consistently improve, we must consistently practice.   

 

When Your Highest Self Leads You Toward Consequence 

**These two statements are incredibly important to remember, so please do not skim over this.**

***

1. We only know what we know when we know it.

Slow down. Read that again: we only know…what we know…when we know it.

 

2. We cannot know what we don’t know until we know it.

Alright. One more time: we cannot know…what we don’t know…until we know it. 

***

Just because we listen to our value-guided self doesn’t mean we will know the outcome of a situation. And it certainly doesn’t mean we will always be right! That’s because our value-guided self can only lead us toward what we currently know and believe is the best decision.

The hardest part of listening to our highest self is not, in fact, the process of listening and going after something; the hardest part is overcoming the fear that somewhere in that process we could be wrong; it’s overcoming the fear that we could be disturbing the peace and very well be making others uncomfortable.

In first grade, there was a boy who consistently teased and picked on me and although I picked back, he almost always got away with it. One day during group time, he mouthed the words “fuck you” to me (I couldn’t make this up if I wanted to). I quickly interrupted the session and yelled out, “[he] just said the f-word to me!!” And unfortunately, we both got detention. Yeup, my first detention ever because I decided I would tolerate that boy’s meanness no longer!

Silly as it seems, there is something to be said about the fact that telling my teacher about him is what I knew, in that moment, would grant me the justice I deserved. Sure, in the end, as a consequence we both received detention, but I learned that next time I’d make sure to wait until after group time to seek justice. 

The issues I faced as a seven year old seem minor to my now 23 year old self, but the practice of refining what my wisest self knows is a demonstration that remains the same.  When there are consequences to our value-guided behavior, we can trust that our wisest self will always lead us toward what we believe to be right and we will survive through, learn about, and take educational advantage of our mistakes.

And if others become uncomfortable, let them stay that way. Our discomfort is an opportunity to explore our biases, our fears, and our insecurities. Our discomfort is our own responsibility, not someone else’s. Therefore, in pursuing what your wisest, highest self is leading you toward, bare in mind that ensuring everyone else is comfortable is not, and will never be, part of your journey.

 

Measuring Your Success 

 

So many of us base success on the outcome of a situation. Whether that be on someone’s response (or lack thereof), people’s reactions, if a proposal goes through, if we get the job, or get accepted into a program — the list is endless.

But what if we determined success on our ability to show up in a value-guided way.

The goal is to be clear about our values and be intentional about how we live up to them –  for ourselves, for our relationships, for strangers, and especially for those we may not agree with. We needn’t be perfect in our pursuits; we simply need to do the best we can. And if that turns out flawed, we pursue the next right thing.

Lisa Laughman, a social worker from Michigan State University, said it perfectly in her recent webinar:

“I get to navigate my mistakes whole heartedly and in a value-guided way. And then I get to like myself better over time [while] holding way less emotional baggage.”

– Essential Skills for Navigating Difficult Times (Session: 6/6) –

Notice the verbiage: we get to navigate our mistakes. We needn’t see it as a burden, but rather an advantage, a gift. And that’s a powerful way to look at our shortcomings because what we do holds just as much importance as the language we use around it.

^^^

Holding Space for others & Their Highest Selves

 

During difficult moments when someone is honoring their emotions in your presence, they are placing a sacred trust in you by sharing that experience with you. The most important thing for any one of us to do when that person is uncomfortable, hurting, and confused are the following three things:

1. Remove any judgement

This is not a proper time nor is it your place to offer personal opinions. However strongly you feel about a situation, put it on hold for a while. Simply be there with that person; remain present.

Suspend any comments that resemble things like,

– See, I told you this would happen…
– I wish you would have listened to me…
– There’s nothing you can do about it now so it makes no sense to cry…
– Please don’t be upset…
– Look at the bright side; things could be so much worse…
– Well at least you — …

2. Don’t fix, do validate 

When holding space for another person, our main job is to listen. It’s super important we demonstrate that we care about how that person is feeling. We don’t need to be the problem solver, the fixer, the I’ll-Make-Everything-All-Better man; we just need to identify how a person is feeling and attempt to empathize with it.

Appropriate comments sound more like,

– What you’re going through is really hard…
– I can only imagine how painful this must be for you…
– So what I’m hearing you say is ___…am I hearing that right?
– I might not know what’s the best thing to say, but know that I am here for you…

3. Understand the situation through their lens, not yours.

An incredibly profound quote from Allyson Dinneen says, “Wanting people to feel better isn’t helpful if it is our idea of ‘better’ and not theirs.”

Holding space for another person is not a means of fixing, judging, or evaluating what you think the outcome should look like. Empathy is a means of attempting to understand an experience through their eyes, and through their eyes only. This means we need to be asking more questions than we are making statements.

How you would’ve attempted to handle the situation does not help, it does not validate, and it certainly does not make someone in a vulnerable state feel better.

Questions you can ask that might propel some self-reflection without offering answers or refuting their feelings sound like,

– Who established the rule you’re having around how you’re feeling?
– What would you like to do about this?
– What is the next best thing you can do for yourself now?
– I’m proud of you…will you call me to let me know how it went?

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I wanted to write this post without bias toward any specific relationship to religion, witchcraft, or zodiac signs, but it’s worth mentioning that tapping into our highest self is a lifelong practice and study that even monks and spiritual gurus today have a hard time describing. Meditation and quietness is encouraged so much across so many spiritual practices because we cannot get through difficult times when our thoughts and emotions are stuck in the obnoxiously dark and discouraging stores of our mind. 

We must remember that while our practice is individual and unique, we are and always will be support systems for one another. Our power to help others and ourselves lies solely within our ability to be present, to encourage without judgement or attitudes of superiority, and to remind each other that no matter what, we can be reliable foundations of love, calmness, and acceptance whenever the going gets tough.

If we can hold this kind of safe space for ourselves, we can do that for others; and in doing so for others, we strengthen and improve our ability to do it for ourselves. It’s a cycle.

Building a connection to your inner gut instinct is a skill, and it’s a contagious one at that. By listening, you bestow a gift of trust to yourself, and you bestow a gift of permission for others to give to themselves. And I’ll say, witnessing the reward that comes from doing so, especially when we use it to navigate difficult situations, is a pretty happy experience, indeed.

New Baltimore, Michigan 

Sending you joy going into the week!

XOXO,
Sab

Hacks to Happiness: In the Face of Adversity

In last week’s post I touched on how happiness is not such a blatantly obvious endeavor.

Oftentimes the things that will really make us happier in the long-run are those that aren’t so pretty on the surface; they often tend to be blessing in disguise or take a little more time and effort than we intended to put forth.

This week I’m talking about pain and suffering. What could be so “happy” about the thought of that, you may ask? Well, let’s get into it, shall we?

 

First and foremost, experiencing pain is an intense paradox. 

 

Contrary to our initial reaction, pain is such an intricate and valuable piece of the human experience. Of course, there is absolutely no diminishing, pretending, or even ignoring that in the wake of heartbreak, loss, illness, injury, abandonment, or another, it feels like a negative experience and it feels personal.

Without these moments, however, we can’t evolve or modify aspects of our lives for the better, we can’t grow mentally, professionally, or even physically, and we can’t truly know happiness, joy, or gratitude on a personal level. 

No matter what happens to us, it’s the shift in our mindset during the aftermath of those times that really determines if we can hack happiness or if we will continue to view life through a dark lens.

Analyzing influential figures and the wise-words spoken during their speeches or told in their captivating stories, we witness the effects of their triumph after they’ve walked along the most difficult roads. We observe people’s rise to the top only after they’ve endured trials and tribulations. And the admirable art we view, envy, or simply appreciate, is most often created out of, or inspired by, affliction.

 

Let’s think about a hard situation we’ve already surpassed …

 

Think back to a heartbreak you’ve experienced in the past since this is something we’ve all been through. No doubt it sucked, right?  We can be sure that heartbreak in the future will suck, too; however, we can take that occasion and consider what we may have done afterward. 

Did we feel sorry for ourselves? Tell ourselves we’ll never be loved again? Think up scenarios where we wouldn’t be able to find another person as fun, as comforting, as intelligent, or as sexy as them? Mope around for a while?

Yeah. Don’t be shy, you’ve done it and so have I. It is impossible to just stop feeling angry, sad, resentful, and betrayed in the middle of it’s sensation. The best way out is through…

But what did we do after that? 

We remembered who the hell we are, right? Maybe you learned what you really want out of a relationship and/or what you won’t tolerate in your next one. Maybe you learned how to appreciate the company of your friends and family a little more. Maybe you focused on your health and a new hobby by putting more effort into traveling or learning how to roller skate (just as examples). Maybe you even got back into the dating game as a reminder that the world is an incredibly big playground for you to play on and explore.

I mean, when you have so many qualities to offer, why sit on the bench and watch while everyone else plays?  

Pain is what catalyzes growth, learning, and self-discovery. We refine ourselves, we find ourselves, and we let go of unnecessary parts of ourselves when we experience misfortunes, hardship, and challenges. We must remember that it’s the hard moments that create the most rewarding pieces of art, and that’s exactly how we come to fully embrace the blessing of being joyful and happy.

 

Dwelling for long periods of time

 

When we think about grief, many of us picture losing a loved one. But grief applies to everything. We’ve grieved the loss of normalcy as this pandemic has forced us out of our comfortable routines; we’ve grieved the loss of a character in a film or TV show, we’ve grieved a faltering friendship, the end to our favorite pair of shoes’ life, the end of festival season, etc. 

One thing all of these examples have in common is that the grieving process behind them do not have a time limit. There are stages in the grieving process (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) so if there are any “recommendations” or “guidelines” its about about how much time in each stage is “healthy,” but essentially, everyone processes emotions differently and at different paces. 

I do believe time is an important factor when we’re going through a hard break-up, a loss, or the diagnosis of someone’s illness AND — I’m avoiding the use of ‘but’ because this is not a contradictory statement — and so is diligent mindfulness around our mourning.

By that I mean we have to bring some awareness to our progress when suffering otherwise we may get stuck in the comfort of our grief.  

Which sounds weird, right? Who wants to remain stuck in a place of grief? 

Many people, actually. Severity levels vary among situations and people’s individual coping mechanisms. Have you ever felt sad on a drive home and decided to turn on sad music to mock, deepen, and wallow in your depression? I’ve done it on more occasions than I can count. I could’ve played cheery music or a podcast, but I wanted to be sad. 

This is not, technically, a bad thing. We simply should remain mindful around how often we do it because the goal is progress in emotional regulation. If we start noticing that we want to be sad all of the time, that is a sure sign we need extra support and guidance in our grieving process. In such a case, seeking out a counselor, therapist, or trusted mentor is necessary.  

 

How the phrase “it could be worse…” actually makes it worse

 

These five words create an expression that is, in my humble opinion, very controversial.

The only time we tend to rehearse this statement is when we’re saying it to someone else, right? We utilize the phrase with good intentions at heart, but what we’re really insinuating is that one’s situation isn’t that bad, therefore, they should be, in some sense, grateful. Sometimes it can be a helpful statement to remember when the going gets tough, but in the end “it could be worse” prolongs our recovery and coping process. 

“It could be worse,” is instead, a phrase that actually has more power to invalidate our situation and belittle the emotions we have around it. When we don’t grant ourselves (or others) the space needed to come to full awareness, or to have a full grieving and healing process because, well, “it could be worse,” we are stripping our (and their) experience of its value and meaning.

Think about it: almost everything could be worse! The only reason we have the ability to compare and contrast these sorts of factors in our life is because our circumstances are incredibly varied. But each person’s reality is unique and individual to them. 

It makes no sense, for example, to compare my stress levels to that of the nurses fighting Coronavirus right now. Our realities are too different.

Yes, telling myself “it could be worse” reminds me that I’m lucky to be home safe with my family at this time, but the stress I feel for being unemployed when I’m starting grad school in the Fall, the discouragement I feel when I want certain friends to initiate conversations with me first, and the irritation of being around my parents for too long cannot just so simply be brushed aside because “it could be worse.” That doesn’t relieve the load from my situation regardless of how “light” it is compared to someone else’s.

Remember that your experience is yours. You needn’t place it in a worse- versus better- than category. It’s just different, and that’s okay.

 

All of this is to say: 

The constant cycle between joy and hardship is essential to our humanity because without it we can’t know what it means to be alive. 

 

As the wise Maya Angelou once said, “You need a little rain to make a rainbow.”

We need to suffer before we can persevere, we need to fail before we can succeed, and we need to experience some pain before we can fully understand our capacity to feel joy. To hack happiness, even when we’re stressed and suffering, is to acknowledge our pain, to accept that it is inevitable, and to remember that it is not going to last forever.

 

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Next week, I’m going to hack into happiness by expanding on what it means to live our truth — AKA: live a life true to who we are. And if you still haven’t entirely figured out who your “truest self” is, I’ll draw on how you can figure it out! 😉 

Enjoy your week, and I’ll see you next Monday…

XOXO,
Sab ♥

Humdrum & Happy

I like the extraordinary…wait, wait, wait….scratch that.

I love the extraordinary.

Nothing is quite as inspiring as the stories of lives lived non-conventionally, adventurously, and fully.

It gives off a feeling of opportunity: If he can do it, why can’t I?

It gives off a feeling of intrigue: Why don’t I?

It gives off a feeling of excitement: This is incredible. 

 

But then it gives off a feeling of confusion: Wait, am I doing enough?

After, a feeling of defeat: How can I do more?

Finally, a feeling of failure: I’m wasting time.

We’re surrounded by people doing extraordinary things everyday. They’re sharing accomplishments, transformations, and memories made in unique destinations. It’s undoubtedly encouraging, sometimes motivating, and always entertaining.

But what if we, ourselves, are not achieving anything incredibly remarkable? What if we’re not making impressive changes or living every single moment with enthusiastic rigor or attempting smaller acts of heroism?

Are we failing at living a good life? Are we, in fact, wasting time?

Not necessarily.

 

There is an attractive nature in finding peace with routine.
With accepting the average.
With simply being.

The painful pressure to be above average is self-inflicted. We needn’t make simple tasks more complex for the sake of feeling unique, and thus accomplished. We forget that our immediate surroundings, relationships, and daily regimens have everything we might need. And if they don’t, then certainly we can make adjustments accordingly, but it doesn’t have to be extra outstanding or uncommon to feel like we’re doing it “right. “

We’re exposed to lavish aesthetic; we bask in it and we allow others to profit off it. And that’s okay. How else would our world go round? How else would society function? But while our vision for a perfect world is not universal, our ability to find peace and excitement within the mundane is.

Perhaps some of us have to search extra hard. We might even find the tedious act of practicing gratitude to be irritating and hopeless. But in the end, our efforts are not in vain.

As our lives slow down in attempts to remain socially distant; as we find ourselves inside, craving that flashy stimulation, obsessing over all the things we can no longer do; let us practice the art of simply being.  Let us take time to appreciate our homes, our health, our relationships, and even our boredom. Let us take time to explore everything we’ve been distracted from, and improve upon that. Let us recognize the greatness of our humdrum lives now so that when the reigns are lifted again, we can feel how extraordinary we are, and have always been.

 

Travel Reflections: Making Friends with Feelings

These last few weeks of September have absolutely flown by.

The fact that we are already six days into October is nerve wracking because it seems as though my time is running out (and in reality it is, but I need it to slow down!!).

I arrived in Bilbao nearly one month ago and — wait….hang on, let me count this……….

 seven, eight, nine….

MADRE MIA! It has only been 25 days that I’ve lived in Bilbao, but it still feels like it has been way longer.

Regardless if you consider that “long” or “short,” and even though I obviously have an extremely large amount of sights to see, foods to try, and places to explore, there’s one thing that I can already say for certain:

I really feel at home here.

Every day, I walk the same side-streets, I see the same smiling faces when I walk into my gym in the mornings, and I see the same guy sitting in front of the supermarket who kindly says “Hola Guapa!” when I walk by (which is quite often because I walk by that market multiple times a day).

I also walk by the same grocery stores, hair salons, and souvenir shops; I see the same bars, cafeterias, and pintxos through las ventanas abiertas, and I see the same families and children playing in the park every day. I regularly say, Hola, que tal?! to some of them while I send a nice, big smile and a wave to others.

The familiarity that has grown through the repetition of my routine makes me feel comfortable. And as my Spanish (ever so slowly) improves, my sense of belonging grows as well.

Belonging. That’s probably the best feeling one can have when living in a new country, but the need to make friends with my day-to-day feelings, on the other hand — which are dynamic, confusing, and tough — is a challenge I’ve been constantly learning how to overcome, but especially in these last few weeks.

Make Friends with What?

…my feelings! (lol)

I understand if that sounds quite silly, but solo-traveling, living in a new country, and experiencing new cultures comes with its difficulties. It’s a fact, and there’s simply no way around it.

Accompanying those difficulties are the feelings Insecurity, Loneliness, Fear, Embarrassment, and Doubt — or the “Gang.”

Just like some of those family members you might not really want to see over the holidays, you still have to be nice and respectful to them, so the same goes for the “Gang” when they sit down at the table.

The cool thing is that oftentimes, when we can turn off the judgmental switch in our brains, and actually open our hearts to those family members, listen to them, and attempt to see from their point of view, we can experience a change of heart. Likewise, when we really open our hearts and invite the “Gang” to the table, you’ll notice their intentions were never “bad,” and you’ll notice they’re just as important as inviting Joy, Excitement, and Love.

 

Let’s welcome them, shall we? 

Insecurity.
As with any new place, new neighborhoods, new cultures, new languages, Insecurity can bring a feeling that you’re lacking, that you aren’t “enough” of something. Maybe you don’t feel like you fit-in enough or know enough; maybe you aren’t cool enough, interesting enough, pretty enough, confident enough, etc.

These can apply to any situation at any time, and it’s never just one insecurity that we’re feeling. For example, I might feel like I don’t know enough Spanish to start a conversation with someone at the bar, but I also might not feel interesting enough for them to want to hold one with me in the first place. That’s a two-fold, which only increases my chances of not trying to strike up a conversation…right?

Wrong! ‘Cause here’s the thing…

Insecurity will sit down with you at the table, and he might say you don’t “know” enough or you’re not “interesting” enough while you’re trying to hype yourself up to go talk to said person at the bar. But then you can respond to him with, “Hey Insecurity, what you’re saying is valid. Surely not knowing enough Spanish is a challenge, and it’ll suck if the person doesn’t find me interesting, but let’s give it a try anyway.”

Insecurity was only there to remind you that, yeah, your ego very well might get hurt if you find that your lack of Spanish is hindering the conversation, or that the person at the bar wasn’t the right person to connect with, but Insecurity never said, “don’t do it at all.” That was your own self connecting the two dots.

It’s up to you to politely remind Insecurity that you’re learning, and that there’s other fish in the sea, so nothing is end-all-be-all.

 

Loneliness.
This guy is a real tough one. He can seem stubborn, tedious, and purposely annoying; he can drain levels of energy and creativity, and make you feel like you’re the only person in the world who feels isolated, BUT he can also be the very thing that creates you into the strongest version of yourself if you actively listen to his messages.

When Loneliness invites himself to the table, he can feel like a life-sucker — I know this because I’m sitting with him right now, at this very moment, and he’s really getting to me. However, if you (and I) can accept that his presence is a reminder encouraging us to get moving, to seek out real connection with others, and to try something we haven’t tried before, maybe we’ll notice that he’s not saying “you suck,” but instead he’s saying, “hey…we need to change this, but you’re the one who has to do something about it!”

Maybe that means applying for a new job, or volunteering, or building a new community around something you’re passionate about, or going back to school, or reaching out to people you miss, or actively seeking out and starting conversations with new people.

When we feel lonely, especially while traveling, it’s because we haven’t found the people or places that make us feel important, meaningful, and loved. Loneliness seems like it’s pointing its finger at us and saying, “you — you are the problem here,” but that couldn’t be further from the truth.

Loneliness is pointing at the lack of connections we have, it’s pointing at our lack of community, and it’s pointing at the fact that we’re not actively trying to change our situation, but instead we’re just wallowing in our sadness and hoping for some outside force to change it for us.

Don’t be fooled. Loneliness can make you a go-getter, but you first must change the way you internalize his messages.

 

Fear.
Fear turns on our body’s natural survival instinct. He makes us experience an elevated heart rate, “tunnel” vision, sweaty palms, and so on. We can feel uncomfortable, but these physiological changes are extremely intelligent mechanisms we undergo when we’re in a situation that could potentially kill us.

Most of us don’t necessarily need these mechanisms, depending on the societies we live in, but the process is still the same when we’re undergoing anything that causes us stress. As Jessica Kneeland states in her Make Friends with Your Feelings e-course, “Each experience programs our brain to know what’s dangerous, [that way] we know what to avoid in the future…a similar thing happens with getting hurt emotionally.” AKA: most of us experience fear nowadays because we emotionally view certain things as dangerous territory.

…Oh, hey there Insecurity! What’s up, Loneliness? Lovely to see you both, again.
(*Side note: They’re all best friends…)

Fear is the child that needs to be taught they’re safe. And you need to go through the motions with them so they can full embody what it feel like to go through whatever the fear is, and rewrite the script.

So if Fear is telling you all the reasons why you shouldn’t apply there, or start a conversation over there, or take a trip out there, you need to take him through the motions and help him realize that his fears are valid, but they’re not going to kill him.

 

Walked with Fear through a haircut when I had no clue how to explain what I wanted…turned out successful though, I’d say! 

 

Embarrassment.
Oh, Embarrassment…he is a lovely son of a gun when he sits at the table.

He might try to convince you that you’re the only one to have ever done something “embarrassing,” but sometimes you just gotta laugh along with him. It can sting in the moment, but Embarrassment is there to remind you that you’re simply going to look back one day and laugh. He’s a funny guy; just trust that the jokes he has now will have more flare later…

 

Doubt
Doubt is similar to Insecurity because he, too, is just trying to save your Ego (a very precious possession of the brain). He might be there to remind you of that one time something didn’t work out, and ask you if you really have the confidence to try again.

To that you just have to say, “yes…yes I do!”

Let’s say, perhaps once upon a time ago you tried to kick a ball, fell on your butt, and decided that you’re never going to be coordinated. But then you’re out with friends and they decide to play a game of soccer and invite you to play.

Doubt is going to ask you, “Remember that one time…you really want to do that again?”

Fear and Embarrassment might chime in like, “Yeah! You really wanna do that again? Let’s bet on the odds that you’re going to fall again…”

Then Insecurity might add, “Yeah…I don’t know about this one.”

However, none of them said, “You can’t.” In fact, the only one who said that was you…

So, my friend…if you want to go play soccer…go play soccer!

…and while you play soccer,
I’m gonna go run up the mountain with my resistance bands!

Joy, Excitement, and Love

These awesome feelings sometimes are the first to arrive to the party, then sometimes they disappear, but they always return.

After sitting with the “Gang” for a while, the presence of Joy, Excitement, and Love brings on a high that is so much more potent. We can appreciate and cherish their company that much more, and enjoy how incredible they feel when they’re around.

In my experience, when I’m not constantly fighting with the “Gang,” they stick around much longer. They help me deal with the pressures from Insecurity and Doubt, they remind me that there’s a bright side if I remain patient with Fear and Embarrassment, and they help encourage me to overcome the heaviness from Loneliness when I’m on the verge of giving up.

But as with everything and everyone who joins around the table, all of these feelings have a rightful and deserved place there. When I invite them to the party, I learn how love them more and more when they all attend.

 

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I hope this can help you to invite your own “Gang” to the party (along with the lovelies Joy, Excitement, and Love), and I hope that it will show you the beauty that lies behind their purpose, and how to love them all the same.

Until next time…

XOXO,
Sab♥