I think many of us, myself included, have associated trauma with war, violent attacks, abuse, sexual assault, or near-death experiences at one point or another, but the reality is that the range varies widely. Many less obvious experiences can be just as seriously disruptive to our lives and deserve, if not just as much as, then close to the same amount of, attention.
Now when I say “deserves attention,” I don’t mean that those experiences should be re-lived in detail as a means to “process” or overcome it. In fact, many therapists and trauma researchers discourage that ideology because of what we know now, which is that: remembering traumatic events can cause more harm than benefit. On the flipside, what is encouraged is noticing triggers and how they manifest in the body.
Maybe after experiencing an ugly break-up, one might find themselves having somatic reactions when attempting to be intimate or close to anyone else. Chest tightness, stomach aches, light-headedness, or clenching jaws are just a few examples of how the mind tries to send direct signals saying: this territory isn’t safe! One might not necessarily understand or remember why their reactions happen in such a way, but the mind and body does.
Does that mean reliving the events of the past is necessary to get through it and let it go? No, not necessarily. The secret weapon, first and foremost, is being able to notice what’s going on instead of reacting with displeasure, or frustration, or judgment. When approaching our bodily responses from a place of curiosity (noticing), rather than judgment (reacting/interpreting), we can contribute to a calmer, less reactive amygdala (AKA: the smoke detector that sends us those signals to our body to start feeling out of sorts). In turn, we don’t pile on “this feeling is bad” to the already uncomfortable response of stomach or head aches.
If adding extra spices to a recipe doesn’t end up tasting great, it would be unreasonable to automatically flip the table over and degrade our ability to cook, right? Instead, our face might squish in response to our taste-buds screaming Nuh-uh! No more! We notice the flavor isn’t up to par and start assessing what happened. Could it be too much salt? Maybe the steak-seasoning didn’t go well with this particular dish? Or perhaps the recipe needs some spice. In the case of our dating example, we often judge the stomach aches or tight chest. Many of us go into a state of confusion, wondering “What’s wrong with me? Why does this happen to me? Why can’t I just ___?” This is the judgement, the poor reaction, that creates further disconnection with what our body and mind are trying to tell us.
Instead, when we notice a particular response going on in the body, we can ask ourselves what’s happening here? Am I anxious about being intimate again? Is this new person showing some red flags I’ve already seen before? What’s making me feel unsafe right now? The patience, the self-trust, and the self-discovery goes a much longer way than ignoring the signs and then potentially entering another unhealthy relationship dynamic.
This goes for more examples than just dating and intimacy, of course. However, the larger message here is that getting in tune with, and listening to, our body is such a strong, beneficial skill that can help us in a multitude of ways. For anxious responses, it could be what encourages us to take our time with decision making, or moving slowly through a process, or finding our new sense/version of safety, so we may further learn to trust ourselves and our inner-wisdom.
This is just one drop in the ocean of “trauma” — or if you don’t like that word, then think “big feelings,” “significant stress,” or “painful memories.” And if noticing seems too simple, it very well may be. There’s no one size fits all, but it is one strong place to start.
“We can only go as far with a person as they have gone with themselves.“
This is a hard pill to swallow because it means, for our own sake, sanity, and health, we might need to let go of relationships that no longer serve us in the same way they once did or in the way we were so convinced they would. This comes with doing the work to realize our potential, our worth, and our value; however, it also comes with understanding that those relationships didn’t intentionally aim to hurt us.
And still, we must let them go.
Going as far with another person “as they have gone with themselves,” is meant for us to think of the concept: inner work.
Whether done through journaling, going to therapy, practicing mindfulness, studying different psychological or philosophical guiding principles, other methods, or all of the above, inner work means deepening your understanding of yourself, others, and the world. Doing inner work helps us move through fears, limitations, insecurities, addictions, loneliness, depressions, anxieties, and feeling unwholly. It’s not meant to be the most pleasant, easy, or quick journey for any of us, which is why we’re all secretly terrified of venturing on it’s track in the first place. Nonetheless, it’s still an incredibly enriching, empowering, and rewarding path toward growth, finding true joy and freedom, living in harmony with others, and healing. Not to mention the momentum it generates by inviting and inspiring others to do the same.
I digress…inner work is important, plain and simple. The issue is that not everyone chooses to do the work. To each their own, but when others don’t do the work, we’re often left feeling like maybe we should wait until they do.
I’m here to tell you not to.
If more often than not you’re finding yourself in relationships that feel one-sided, like your left with unanswered questions and unease (after having inquired or communicated your needs), like you almost have to beg for validation and worth, or to be being heard and respected, and as if you rarely feel important, safe, or valued, then I’m willing to bet it’s not you. In fact, I’d encourage you to reevaluate what’s keeping you in the loop. What’s keeping you waiting for another person to “come around” when it’s costing you a broken heart and lowered sense of confidence and self worth?
Is it perhaps that this is a learned coping mechanism as a means to feel a sense of safety – even if it’s a false one? Is it protecting you from facing a hard truth you’re not ready to accept? Is it because you feel hope in the role they were “supposed to” play, whether it be as a partner, family, or friend and your mind doesn’t want to let go of that fantasized reality? Is it scarier to let go and accept the empty void for a little bit than to constantly have to convince someone to understand or value you?
So many of us are misunderstood or held to an inaccurate narrative because it allows them to avoid facing their own shame, fear, and pain. It’s not that they don’t want to understand us, they simply can’t because the inner work has not been done. Their current defense mechanisms, lack of coping skills, and inability to communicate clearly are a reflection of how much self-exploration, -discovery, and -healing they’ve done (or haven’t done). That has nothing to do with you.
Therefore, the questions about their why – why they can’t just listen better, why they can’t hold space for you, why they can’t communicate clearer, etc. – cannot and does not have any connection to you. The answer does not lie in you, what you didn’t do or say, or what you could’ve done or said.
Cut all that out.
Instead, start working toward how you can go deeper within yourself to let that person go. Start working toward deepening your self-acceptance and self-compassion. Start working toward opening up your heart to a tribe or community of people who will listen, who will hold space, who will communicate, who will accept you, and who will love you for who you are, exactly how you are. Start working toward cultivating a greater self-love that no one else can determine a “max” or place a cap on.
Sending you strength, courage, and self-compassion as you embark further into the New Year. Cheers to 2023!
What I adore so much when talking about the “L” word, is that everyone’s version of it is vastly unique.
To understand love better, or to know what we’re “supposed” to be on the lookout for when we’re actively seeking out a partner to fall in love with, I think most of us try to narrowly categorize what love is and what it feels like. Truth is, though, our experiences behind each and every relationship in our lives (romantic, social, and familial) are just too different. The love I feel for my Mom might be similar but it’s not the same kind of love I feel for my best friend, and that’s because I share different experiences with each person. I believe this is the exact reason love is such a hard phenomenon to describe.
A few weeks ago I wrote an article about not settling for the bare minimum (in so many words, by “bare minimum” I meant “half-assed versions of love”). Early in to that article I vaguely mentioned these contrasting versions of love; however, I also mentioned that the kind I didn’t know personally was the intimate and committed kind that we feel for our partners……….and, well…I want to take that back now.
Maybe it’s not lOvE… I already know some would reckon that it’s too early to call it that, but one thing I know for sure is that it’s definitely more than just a “liking.” Perhaps the next stage is “like-like” or super like, but even if those terms have potential to be correct, what I’m feeling is way stronger than that. The feeling I’m experiencing is one of appreciation, adoration, admiration, and gratitude. I feel safe, I feel a new place in my heart opening up and it feels like home; I’m in a trance, and I have no intentions or desires to get out.
Could that be the “L” word? And if that’s the “L” word, why are we so intimidated by it? Why do we tread around it with such caution? Is it really all that scary?
If you can’t tell, I’ve naturally had some time to ponder these questions…
I’ve heard that love is too strong of a word and it shouldn’t be used lightly but, personally, I use the word often with friends, family, and things or activities I really enjoy….except when it comes to intimate relationships. I, too, have seemingly been programmed to adopt the oh-so-common belief that love is scary, intimidating, and should be stated only if we’re sure it’ll be reciprocated (otherwise it’s embarrassing). I, too, have thought that saying “I love you” is like walking on egg shells. I get it.
Plus, with the wide-ranging amount of definitions behind the “L” word (AKA: personal experiences, as well as the ones we’ve witnessed), it’s understandable why such negative misconceptions are easier to latch onto. Love oftentimes get a misconstrued reputation because we place it at the face of other painful experiences, and that conditions us to think that Love is synonymous with disloyalty, broken promises, false hope, and maltreatment. We know those aren’t acts of love, but we still fear the possibility so showing emotions, telling others how we feel, going out of our way to go the extra mile, are just a few subtle expressions of love that have taken a hit. And it shows in how offset we are by the word.
All I know is that we have only one life to live, and I don’t want to spend mine fearing the very thing that adds so much meaning to it; the thing that is so breathtakingly valuable to my joy. I hope you don’t either, so here are some reminders to keep in mind about the “L” word…
It is kind, it is peaceful, and it universally binds us together
Although Love is not culturally universal (because of the arbitrary ways it’s expressed and internalized); our capacity to Love is. When we show up for others, when we give our best selves to a relationship, project, or another, and when we practice self-compassion, we are becoming one with ourselves and one with the other people in our lives.
It might seem like Love is synonymous with emotions like anger, jealousy, or sadness (because sometimes we think that these emotions are brought forth out of love), but we must let go of this notion. Love can come after experiencing anger, jealousy, or sadness, but these emotion are not synonymous with Love.
For example, I get angry when my best friend looks down on herself. My anger might seem like it’s coming from a place of Love, but my anger is not Love. Me reminding her of all her greatest qualities, how worthy she is, and how much I appreciate her as my best friend is love.
The more we come to understand love in this context, the better I think we can be at both expressing it and receiving it. Love will always be kind, peacefully, and bring us together as long as we remember what real love is.
just a small drop has the capacity to develop, expand, rise, and multiply
It’s no question that love is contagious. When we witness someone falling in love, what do we see? They’re giddy, they smile more, they put forth more effort into their pursuits and goals, they walk with their head held a little higher, their chest a little broader, and they’re more apt to say yes to new opportunities.
Think about it this way: when a candle shares it’s light, does it dim? Nope, it does not; the light just keeps spreading from one candle to another. The same goes for how we experience and express love — it can develop, it can expand, it can rise, and it can multiply. Never underestimate its power.
it catalyzes our potential to live life to its absolute fullest — which is especially true when we experience pain around it
When we can appreciate Love for all its grandeur — the highs and the lows, and everything in between — we can give our all to others. And even if it’s not always reciprocated, we can trust that we were able to change someone’s perspective, even if just in the slightest.
I have dated plenty and loved none, and although I was much more scared of getting hurt before than I am now, showing kindness, care, and consideration for all those who didn’t reciprocate it the same way turned out to help my self-compassion, -confidence, and -esteem more than it hurt it. Here’s why:
1) I had to learn how to fill the void in my heart through myself and the already established (and cherished) relationships I had. What took me so long to realize was that just because the bartender wasn’t there, didn’t mean I was drinking (or living my life) from an empty glass. And,
2) I choose to believe that whether I left a mark in the heart of those I dated before, or if I was just someone they knew in passing, I’m being the change I wish to see in the world. Trying to show more care, giving chances to new people and experiences, and offering the benefit of the doubt are examples that I believe the world needs to see and normalize more. Those acts do rub off on someone along the way, and just because we don’t see it happening behind the scenes doesn’t mean we should stop. That alone is enough.
So even when showing less intense versions of love (acts of kindness, consideration, and empathy) has brought some heart-ache and pain, I know that it has taught me how to do better, be better, and love harder. And now that I’m in a relationship that actually does feel right, real, reciprocated, and undeniably…amazing?…I am confident in my abilities to give my all to it and the new journey he and I are embarking on. Call me cheesy, but trusting in the power of Love, no matter what happens, is enough for me to know that this adventure is going to be worth everything I put into it.
it has the power to heal us from the inside out
This is a two way streak because we have to let Love in (from others and ourselves) in order to experience it’s healing abilities. Practicing self-love has been the biggest game changer in how I view myself, my body, and my potential; however, it has also made it so much easier (and significantly sweeter) to let love in when I’m experiencing it through the acts and behaviors from others.
If I can’t believe myself when I say that I’m worthy of feeling sexy, receiving kindness, and being fully accepted for who I am right now, then how I can believe (and appreciate) my boyfriend, for example, when he tells me that I’m sexy, when he opens his heart to me and proves how accepted I am, and that I deserve to be treated with all the kindness he covers me with daily?!
When we love ourselves, we’re less resistant to letting in love from others; which only strengthens our hearts, encourages us to express love more often, and opens us up to receiving, accepting, and appreciating the love others want to give us.
Perhaps we have nothing to be afraid of when using the “L” word. Sure, it’s powerful, but it’s gentle, too. While I still might wait to use it, I can most confidently say that I finally know, in my heart, what all the different versions of Love feel like.
Dating can be fun, but if you’re in the game right now — and looking at it from the perspective I did — then you may be thinking that there’s something wrong with you if no one has “worked out” yet. Every passerby feels like they’re just confirmations that you’re unworthy of a special kind of love and will likely spend the rest of your life single. You may have accepted it, but I have a fun analogy that I think might put this into a nicer perspective, and put you into a higher spirit…
I like to think of ourselves in love and relationships like a garden. Maybe you’ve heard this before, but let’s dissect it a bit more.
We’re the gardeners, right? So we’re meant to tend to our peonies, orchids, and roses, and every other gorgeous flower that represents our highest selves (like, for example, our self-compassion, self-kindness, and self-trust), and to pull the weeds (of low self-esteem, self-doubt, shame, and toxicities of any kind).
You may have a picket fence protecting your garden, and you may not, so sometimes people can look (while you’re making it known they can’t touch), or you may only open the gates of the fence slowly and carefully. In any case, whenever you’re ready to show off this garden to the world and welcome some visitors (AKA: start dating), then as the sole protector of this garden, you have to be aware of what those visitors are doing, if they’re helping you water, or if they’re killing your soil.
Some visitors, you’ll find, meander around just to check out all the plants before deciding to walk out (oftentimes unannounced), or they might want to help you tend to your garden. Here’s where you have to be careful: I’d [optimistically] say that most of those visitors either
A) don’t always realize if they’re watering your precious flowers or if they’re watering the dreaded weeds, or
B) they only know how to water the weeds of their own garden so that’s how they’re watering yours…
In other words, I don’t think every visitor is out to completely rip your garden to shreds. But each one that came and didn’t fit in quite right probably showed you an area of your garden that needed more TLC; maybe they pointed out that the weeds you had growing were already out of control and needed tending to that they didn’t want to help with; Or they taught you that you needed to pay more attention and be more careful about who you let into your garden and who you give a watering can to in the first place.
But even after all the visitors that walked out with a lack of interest, or who watered the weeds and dried out the flowers, or those whose gardens you admired from afar while wishing they’d just notice yours, you have to believe that there will be someone who will see, and love, and help you nurture your garden healthily and joyfully. Together, you’ll find a way to combine efforts and make one huge picturesque, botanical beauty.
Through your experience with faithless visitors — you know, the ones came and went — I promise your intuition will simply know the helpful, the genuine, and the right visitor when they come. They’ll likely peak their head over the fence (if you have one) and ask with a big smile, “Hi, can I come in?”
They’ll walk forward humbly, slowly, but confidently. They’ll look over your flowers with a careful eye and will ask how they can be part of the process to help. They’ll be interested in how you’ve grown your garden, they’ll be gentle, respectful, and they’ll even volunteer to help you pull the dreaded weeds that everyone else before them had a problem with.
They’ll be diligent and adamant that they pull them by the root so those weeds don’t have a space to grow again. AND THEN they’ll replant new flowers that you didn’t know existed. Those will grow into breath-taking lotuses (and if you didn’t know about the lotus flower, it grows in muddy, murky conditions, yet when it blooms it’s unstained).
So that’s not to say this special visitor won’t make mistakes; it’s not to say that they won’t accidentally slip up from time to time, forgetting to help you water certain areas of your garden (they’ll also be tending to their own garden, don’t forget!), but they’ll go the extra mile to fix their mistakes. They’ll bring their unique skill set — that is, their patience, their empathy, their listening ear, their ability to communicate, and their love — and the “deadline” to when they stop won’t exist.
Because that’s what happens when people aren’t playing ding-dong-ditch at your garden entrance; that’s what happens when caring gardeners want to join forces with other thoughtful gardeners who plant and pull weeds intelligently, but who also have ideas that could benefit their craft.
All of this is to say, KEEP WATERING, NURTURING, AND COMPASSIONATELY TENDING TO YOUR GARDEN. Work on maintaining the nutritious seeds of patience, genuine kindness, and self-confidence into the foundation of your soil. Weeds may grow, but they won’t distract the right visitor, at least not early on. If they do, that visitor will have the heart to make sure those weeds disappear (they won’t poke and prod, water, and forget to pull them).
Remain hyper-vigilant of your garden. If anyone, and I mean anyone, brings on a sense that they’re questionable, then they are! Don’t take that lightly; your intuition is too powerful to not trust it.
As a final note, remember that not all visitors are meant to stay — that includes the quick passerby’s and the super helpful ones who we thought and wanted to stay. Just because one really great visitor leaves doesn’t mean that your garden will die; don’t let that happen. We will always, always be able to keep supporting the flowers they planted even when they’re gone.
As for anyone else, keep a close eye over how they treat your garden. Open the gate for those who want out, and kindly guide the confused ones to the exit. The more space you have for the right visitor, the better! And once they peek their head over your fence, or at least keep showing up to the entrance until you invite them in, they will do whatever it takes to stay.
So you’re at the park playing with the other running, totally unaware, and I’m-just-here-for-a-good-time children. Perhaps you remember an occasion when you pushed another kid down, or whacked them in the head, or told them that you didn’t want to play with them because they’re [something not nice]. More than likely you did it to a sibling because they were being annoying (and when siblings are annoying, they need to be put into their place).
Either way, someone ends up crying.
So, of course, some parents come running up to the scene, like the heroes they are, and try to mediate the situation.
“Say you’re sorry!” they say with a stern voice. While you’re thinking to yourself but I don’t wanna…
They repeat the demand with a more intense tone. You might know that tone as meaning you’re gonna get it in the park or at home, so choose wisely. You manage to muster a pitiful, eye-contact-avoiding kind of “sorry” from your lips, and supposedly the situation has now poofed into happy sparkles in the air. Everyone’s happy, right?
Wrong.
Classic and accurate.
But wait…let’s say you were the kid crying for the apology. You felt betrayed. You got hurt. You just wanted to play with and befriend the other child who did you dirty. You didn’t want to make the situation worse, you just wanted to feel validated, you wanted to feel as if you belonged, and you wanted some sort of permission to know that your feelings were okay and deserved to be acknowledged.
Moral of the story: we’ve been both the apologizer and the apologize-ee. We’ve hurt and we’ve been hurt, but the act of apologizing is not instinctual. We had to learn it. That’s why our internalized views on apologies, their effectiveness, and the role they play in relationships, is highly dependent on what we learned from guardians and teachers who shaped those views. For those of us who haven’t been given repentance from adults, elders, or other children when we needed it most, we more than likely have adopted the theory that apologizing equates to losing power, admitting a sense of inadequacy, or plain humiliation. Refusing to apologize may provide a feeling of empowerment and a greater sense of self-worth, but I’m going to let you in on a secret: that’s just your ego speaking.
We need to let go of the narrative that apologizing is what the “weaker” or “wrong” person does, and realize that apologizing is how we affirm our humanity. You and I know we’re not immune to making mistakes — that part is okay. What’s not okay is our lack of care, awareness, and compassion for others. What’s really not okay is letting our egos keep us from taking true responsibility for our mistakes.
Ways to Ruin An Apology
I get it, apologizing is a vulnerable act; however, it’s an essential first step toward healing, owning the damage that was caused, and making amends to rectify the situation; therefore, apologizing matters! As adults, no one (usually) is there to say, “hey, you did/said a shitty thing, now you need to go to that person and say you’re sorry.” More than likely, no is reminding you that it’s better to apologize for a wrongdoing than to pretend like you’re owning up to your poor behaviors by oversimplifying the situation.
Fake apologies or crummy ways of “taking responsibility” for a wrongdoing sounds like:
“Yeah, okay, you’re right…”
“I get it, I was wrong…I’d be mad, too…”
“It wasn’t like that…”
“I’m sorry, but you made me [xyz]…”
“I’m sorry YOU feel that way…”
“Okay sorry, but…”
“I’m sorry if I hurt you…”
“Alright alright alright, I’m SOR-RY.”
These are not apologies.
These responses portray a few things that could be going on:
The person is experiencing a lack of awareness and empathy (which is why they can’t see the fault in their actions or see any “purposeful reason” for granting an apology at all)
They are avoidant and fearful of being held guilty because the risk of such judgement will hurt their ego (which is seen in how they try to defend themselves, push blame on you for “making them” do whatever they did, and/or maintain a sense of perfection through their unwillingness to take responsibility for their actions)
They’re anxious — whether to stop feeling like the one in the wrong, to get out of an uncomfortable situation, or to avoid conflict — so they speed through a pitiful, emotionless, slap-a-band-aid-on-it kind of apology (usually masked under their sarcasm and quick jump to shut down the conversation)
If there’s anything I hope you take from this article, it’s this:
AN APOLOGY WITHOUT CHANGE
IS JUST MANIPULATION!
So if you’re the apologizer — remember that your apology is invalid without a change in behavior or action to amend the problem.
If you’re the apologize-ee — remember that an apology without changed behavior wasn’t an apology (I’ll write more about what you can do about this later in the article).
Granted you’re still reading this, I already know you’re old enough to make the choice to be mature about your actions. You’re old enough to know that when you make mistakes, you can always turn back around and say, “Hey, that wasn’t right of me. Excuses aside, I’m sorry I hurt you. This is what I’ll do to make it up to you…” And then do that! So here,
This Is How You Lend a Real Apology:
1. Actually mean it! If you’ve hurt another person, but can’t find it within yourself to apologize, you probably have very strongly held beliefs around apologizing as a shameful act. In that case, more self-reflection and unpacking of those beliefs is necessary (and goes beyond the scope of this post). Inauthentic apologies are meaningless without action, and unless you genuinely care about mending the hurt inflicted on someone else, you’ll only continue to manipulate a relationship you might not truly value. And in that case, you’re more than likely dragging that other person along while inducing false hopes that you will do better. Please don’t do this.
2. Acknowledge your fault & their feelings. This is undoubtedly the hardest part of an apology because we have to learn how to accept that the vulnerability required to execute a genuine apology is highly necessary and absolutely essential.
Naming what you did wrong without blaming or defending yourself is key. Of course, your experience may have saw and interpreted a totally different reality (for example, maybe you thought what you were doing wouldn’t be taken offensively), so I do think that sometimes telling your side of the story can help another person understand the situation from a different perspective; however, that is not a freebie. Your explanation is still an excuse and it cannot be seen as a permission slip to avoid an apology nor is it a ticket to automatic forgiveness.
Tips to remember:
Avoid the use of “if…” — this is not a matter of “if” you hurt another person. Saying things like, “I’m sorry if I offended you” or “Sorry if you took what I said offensively” are both examples of disregarding and denying your faults.
Avoid the use of “but…”— this is a form of justification and, just like saying “if,” it completely skips over that part where you fully acknowledge the pain you inflicted. Saying things like, “…but it wasn’t like that” or “…but you made me [xyz]” are two examples of contradicting an entire apology.
Avoid the use of “I guess…” — Saying something like, “I guess I should’ve [xyz]” or “I guess I’m sorry” are obviously weak terms. Apologize like you mean it, don’t just guess.
3. Don’t make the person YOU hurt feel bad for being hurt. This is a very real privilege that the wrongdoer has, and that is the fact that they don’t have to feel the pain they inflicted. Guilt is one thing, but saying things like, “I really don’t know why you took it that way,” or “Why would you get so offended by [xyz]?” are both examples of how to inflict more pain because they’re invalidating another person’s experience and feelings. Perhaps try saying something like, “I’m sorry, that was insensitive of me. I want you to know it won’t happen again.”
4. TAKE ACTION. The most important part to an apology is actually changing your behaviors from then on forward. That means being more attentive and mindful around your actions, your words, and the way you treat other people. This is not a chore that hangs like a cloud over your head, this is a highly valuable social skill. Being lazy and refusing to be more mindful about how you treat others is narcissistic and won’t get you too far in your relationships. Doing better — that is becoming a better version of yourself — as a friend, a parent, a sibling, a coworker, a son/daughter, and a stranger, is an essential part of living a true and meaningful human experience, is it not?
To sum it up, here’s a nice drawing from @introvertdoodles:
Learning How to Accept Apologies
I’m going to keep this section as short and sweet as possible.
Accept or appreciate – then be done. Accepting an apology means you know a person messed up but you value the relationship enough to forgive and pursue maintaining contact. Totally cool if that’s what you choose to do. Appreciating an apology means you accept the apology, but don’t want to pursue maintaining contact with the other person. Totally fair decision. So you have the choice to accept an apology or simply appreciate it, butto dig for more out of an already granted apology or to completely disregard and reject one’s vulnerability in giving you an apology is unnecessary.
I can understand that sometimes when we’re wronged by a person then we want revenge or, at the very least, to give the victimizer a “taste of their own medicine.” But at that point you’re pulling a second wrong to top their wrong…and what did we learn as kids? Two don’t make a right, that’s correct.
Let’s not forget to mention…I personally know people who belittle and annul other’s apologies (mine included) and from those personal experiences, not only does it naturally make me want to avoid apologizing ever again but it also further deepens the problematic situation. We can’t always expect apologies to lead to one problem-solving conclusion, but if it’s time you need to process the situation, then give that to yourself. If it’s self-forgiveness you need, then give yourself permission to work on that. But let’s be the bigger person.
Appreciation does not equal forgiveness. Just like an apology doesn’t always make everything all better, an apology doesn’t always equate to automatic forgiveness. If you’re not ready to forgive someone for their poor behaviors, that is okay. Moreover (revisiting #1 above), exploiting someone’s apology in search to extract “more” from the apology or from the apologizer is not productive to any situation. Not everything is forgivable so if that’s the case for you, then you can accept the apology by appreciating it was given, and moving on.
Forgiveness Without An Apology
So let’s say you’re waiting for an apology you might not receive. This can often feel like an excruciating waiting game…
But there’s two options you have here: instead of waiting for one (which usually gets you nowhere), you can communicate that you were, and are, still hurt by another person’s words or actions. The second option is that you can offer yourself closure, and move on.
Every situation is different, but usually an overdue apology could very much be the clot plugging the artery. In order for the relationship to get back into a comfortable flow, one might need their hurt feelings and anxieties to be recognized and put at ease, respectively. This is perfectly normal. And what’s more, treading these waters needn’t be a struggle! Sometimes people aren’t always thinking about how they might have hurt us, they may not recognize your discomfort, or they might be trying to avoid conflict and/or an uncomfortable conversation altogether by sweeping it under the rug until its all “forgotten.”
In any case, saying something like “Hey, I’m still uncomfortable by this situation, and I feel ‘x’ when you did/said ‘x.’” Just a heads up, the more calm and collected you approach a situation, the more likely a person will respond with less defensiveness, so make sure you’ve granted yourself enough processing time to accept that an apology may be delivered and it may not.
If a person refuses to apologize for pain they inflicted, you have two more options. After time has passed, you can ask yourself if the apology you wanted was really necessary to unplug the artery and keep things flowing. Sometimes it’s not, and that’s okay! There were plenty of times my brother had hit me, called me names, etc. (and vice versa), yet today we’re closer than ever. Sure, he’s family, but I can say the same thing about my best friend from childhood!
Oftentimes, however, these types of scenarios are what lead us to hold deeply subconscious grudges against people.. Ever heard about death by a hundred paper cuts? Yeah, this’ll do it. The paper cut is tiny, it seems minor, it seems like if you can just look past someone’s faults and keep flowing — even through a little crack in the clot of the artery. But that clot will keep slowing you down; it will keep blocking your ability to glide freely. And without properly set boundaries, this can often be a permission slip for people to keep acting up because now they’ve learned they can.
And here we are at the gate of: Know Your Gosh Darn Worth!!
Closure feels important, how else does one explain the inexplainable? We just want answers, and then we can move on! But someone’s inability to apologize and make sense of an injury caused is not your responsibility to adopt. Everyone’s experiences in life vary; what they know to be right could be vastly different from what you expect from the world. Their reality is just as valid as yours, but if your energies don’t align then they’re not for you — and this stands true for both intimate relationships, familial relationships, and friendships.
I know, it’s easier said than done. It’s so easy to read Sab’s article telling you to know your worth, but I promise you that getting an apology from someone who didn’t (or doesn’t) want to give it to you will not leave you feeling any better than you do now. The only closure you can continue to give yourself is the affirmation that you are okay, you are safe, and the light shining over your life is not dimmed without them.
Giving yourself closure is a practice. Knowing your worth in a world that is pushing you to internalize false subliminal messages about yourself is a practice.
Moving forward without an apology is a practice.
Please give yourself grace.
To all my peeps who might be finding it hard to apologize right now, this is for you. ♥
I can’t finish this post without showing a little remorse for the apologizer, too. While I will encourage and fight for more people to start learning how to apologize and actually engage in genuine apologies, they can be really difficult and leave people feeling extremely vulnerable. The higher the intensity of the fault, the harder the apology can feel, but don’t let “hard” be the reason you don’t connect with the true human experience. We all do wrong, and we all have been wronged — neither side feels good. But you do have the power to release yourself from the constraints of guilt, whether you’ll be forgiven or not. And even if that forgiveness doesn’t come, you can move forward knowing that you will do better, and be a better version of yourself, tomorrow.
And for my apologize-ee: Let’s set our boundaries a little better, bring our standards a little higher, and offer ourselves more self-assurance by finding self-compassion in our pain, giving ourselves permission to feel it, and know that, despite the pain we will inevitably endure, we are, and always will be, whole.
Sex can be confusing, dynamic, and sticky (metaphorically and literally).
Maybe you already knew this, and that statement is relatively simple to comprehend. Perhaps you’d consider it to be “common sense,” but one thing that I’m willing to admit (and hope that you are, too) is that we don’t know very much about sex based on our own terms and experiences. We only know sex by how our culture views it.
For average cis-gendered women, the topic and the act is exceptionally hard. Let me just list out the amount of contradictions and worries that are ingrained into how we’re taught to view sex:
Don’t watch porn because that’s immodest, but you should know or, at the very least, be willing to explore a number of positions.
If you haven’t had many (or any) sexual encounters you’re probably prude. If you have, you’re a slut.
You should know how to pleasure yourself, but if you have multiple vibrators by your bed stand you should be ashamed. If you openly like sex or talk about masturbation, you’re too bold, and that’s not classy or attractive.
Your body is wrong – it’s either too fat or it’s too thin. If you’re satisfied with it, you’re settling and if you really like it, you’re conceited. If you’re changing it, you’re trying too hard.
Shave your vulva, but don’t look like a little girl. Landing strips are weird. Keep it, at the very least, trimmed. At the end of the day, though, if you’re not shaving it off that’s just gross and lazy.
The man should cum, otherwise you weren’t a successful partner. However, if you didn’t cum, well…sucks to suck. Once he cums, sex is over, so if you make it known that that’s not fair you’ll look too pushy. Accept it and move on…maybe you’ll get to next time.
I will blatantly admit that each and every one of these points have held me back from exploring and enjoying my own sexuality, and I know damn well that most — if not all — of them have stripped the exact same pleasure from other women.
While there is a desperate calling for more research and science behind women’s sexual pleasure, there is enough that currently paints a picture as to why women have a harder time achieving climax. These points highlight a huge part of that science because women require context. If nonsense like this is running through their head, it’s no wonder we’re so distracted from our pleasure.
It seems, however, that no sooner there is a push back to refute these statements — you know, so women can attain more autonomy, confidence, and compassion for themselves and their sex-lives — morality, ethics, and shame enter the picture and hold us back even longer.
You didn’t have a choice before, but you have one now
You and I weren’t born into this world and given the choice on what kind of cultural beliefs we’d grow up around that would prompt a sex-positive or a sex-negative mindset. We didn’t choose to be ashamed of masturbation, a hairy vulva, or to believe that men’s orgasms go above our own. We also didn’t choose to internalize all the subliminal messages constantly bombarding us and exploiting our insecurities.
But you do get to choose now.
Just like you learned how to ascribe to all of this ambivalence, you can learn how to unsubscribe and create your own compassionate, productive, and reassuring beliefs around yourself, your body, and your sexuality.
First, stop the slut-shaming
A good friend of mine and I were talking about the implications of women having high body-counts. I was adamant about arguing for women because I wholeheartedly do not condone to the idea that women automatically lose value, respect, or worth because they’ve slept with multiple men.
My friend argued that he doesn’t want to be with a woman who has a high body count because, as he put it, “A lock that can be opened by many keys is not a very good lock, is it?” This is fair. I pondered his metaphor for a while and almost considered changing my stance (which is normal for anyone actively working to dismantle such deeply rooted cultural messages); however, I still can’t bring myself to side with the notion that anywoman loses value, class, worth, or beauty for having a lot of sexual experience because I know one thing: a person’s decisions are made on a foundation of infinite factors that I (nor you) know anything about, so my judgments are invalid (just as yours are). And truly, at the end of the day, it’s none of our business.
Before I get into the rebuttal arguing that a partner’s past is our business for the simple reason that, as their partner, we have a “right” to know about it, let me explain two ways we must be more cautious of our first impression on other people’s choices.
Firstly, a person’s past decisions consist of different parts: the context of the situation, the amount of knowledge and experience they had in that given moment, and what they desired in that moment. If it’s a hot summer day, and I know that I love vanilla ice-cream, I’m going to want vanilla ice-cream, but that’s not to say that months later, in the dead of winter, I’ll still choose or even want vanilla ice-cream. Maybe I’ll have a preference for oreo frozen-yogurt! Or maybe, based on experience, I won’t need or desire ice-cream or frozen-yogurt when I’m already cold.
In any case, none of this determines what kind of ice-cream or frozen yogurt I’d choose today! It doesn’t tell you if I even like ice-cream or frozen yogurt anymore!
In other words, our decisions are always pushing us forward, helping us learn, and facilitating our consistent growth. We have absolutely no idea, whatsoever, what prompted, say, a person like me to choose vanilla-ice cream last summer. If you really cared, then perhaps you could politely investigate (AKA communicate and ask questions), but to degrade me because you think that the more “woke” choice for me to have made would have been the Oreo frozen yogurt is a poor assumption. Your subjective judgment gives you absolutely no information about what I’d choose today, right now, nor does it define the kind of person I am today, right now.
Secondly, decisions based in any given moment cannot always serve both our current selves and our future selves (or even our future’s partner’s expectation for that matter). Think about it this way: if a man is accelerating toward a sexual encounter, his mind is not thinking “one day, a woman that I love will be judging this moment of me having sex with [insert #] person and she may tell me she doesn’t find me valuable because of it…should I stop?”
Is that not ludicrous?!? You may have even chuckled to yourself at the absurdity of this example, but if a man wouldn’t do that, why should women be expected to? Moreover, to hold an expectation over a future partner (someone we probably don’t even know yet) and thinking, “well they better not be doing anything stupid right now,” is narcissistic and completely unrealistic.
Certainly, we all have a list (even if just subconsciously) that hold traits and qualities we want in a future partner, so if you decide that your highest value centers around being with a virgin, or someone with a relatively low body-count, and it will not be compromised, then by all means, I’m sure you will find someone who upholds that same value! You do you, but don’t for one minute think that you’re superior to everyone else because you hold this value; don’t believe that anyone is automatically less valuable, worthy, deserving of respect, or beautiful as a person because they don’t hold that same point on their list.
Now, to come full circle, our sex-lives, sexuality, or number of partners is no one else’s business unless we choose to make it such. It’s understandable that when we love someone, and they love us, they will want to know everything about us, but that doesn’t make it their “right.” This doesn’t mean we must lie or should hide any part of ourselves (frankly if they can’t handle our truth, they’re not the one), but this is to remind you: No one owns you or your experiences, no matter how much they love you or how close they are to you. Disclose whatever information you want when you’re comfortable enough to do so.
When it comes to friends/strangers….
If you’re prone to shame, cut-off, or presume you know all there is to know about a person based on one or two things they’ve done in their past (whether it be sexually, relational, or otherwise), you are losing an opportunity to gain more connection with and understanding for other people. You’re also letting your empathy muscle dissipate into nothing. I encourage you to, instead, ask more questions.
To all my dudes: contemplate the differences between men’s and women’s education around sex and their bodies. Have you lived up to the same standard you want your future partner to live up to? Have you ever congratulated another man’s sexual experience while degraded or humiliated the woman’s? Why is that? Why do you think other men do? How can you be part of the progressive change toward equally empowering experiences and education around women’s sexuality?
To my fellow ladies: contemplate the real reasons you might be judging another woman based on her sexual (or otherwise) experiences. Does it really make them “dirty,” “impure,” or of lesser value? What do your beliefs say about your own upbringing in learning about sex? How and why does it affect you? Is there another positive way you can choose to believe that another woman’s choices are for her own empowerment, knowledge, and experience? We are not each other’s competition; we must be more supportive of one another.
You’re allowed to like yourself
Buuut…they don’t want you to like yourself. They don’t want you to believe that you are enough. They don’t want you to even think that there’s a possibility that all your parts are, look, and work normally, and that they are impeccable as is.
To like yourself in a world that yells at you to do otherwise is such a rebellious and revolutionary act. It defies centuries worth of efforts that have taught us what to believe, how to behave, or at the very least pretend, as an attempt to train, tame, and conform us into one way of being. However, because of this you must know one thing:
In order to fully like and then love yourself and all of your parts…it’s going to get worse before it can get better.
I will write about this in more detail on future blog, but for now just know that because of the way our society has functioned for so many years, just love yourself may seem that simple, but it requires:
A grieving process — to let go of the person you thought you had to be in order to make space for the beautiful person within to blossom
A high level of trust and vulnerability — to deconstruct old narratives and rebuild new ones based on your own trial and error
Courage and perseverance — to keep moving forward, no matter how high over the hill you have to climb in order to achieve body acceptance and unconditional self-love
Many of us think that being self-critical is productive. Underneath the self-loathing is this inherent belief that if we just hate ourselves enough, we’ll work even harder to achieve this thing – whether that be a certain level of sex-appeal (which is code for desirability), self-love (which is code for self-acceptance), and happiness (which is code for belonging and connection).
Therefore, letting go of this goal to be “aesthetically perfect” and “sexually pleasing” in every way means we’re also letting go of that deep sense of hope that we’ll eventually achieve this excellence that we’re so convinced will solve all of our problems. That’s a heavy grieving process, but giving yourself permission to go through it is step number one.
We had to learn ways in which we were not enough, so now we need to relearn all ways in which we are. This is scary. When you were comfortable with knowing that you weren’t enough, that felt like a solid rock to walk on, so to implement practices that help you know that you are enough can feel like walking on thin ice. And sometimes that thin ice cracks. And sometimes we will slip and fall.
To walk on that thin ice takes an incredible amount of vulnerability, but even when we slip, we must trust that that ice will not break. The best way around is through. Unfortunately, no one can offer you a step-by-step guide on how to navigate the ice to be successful the first time around, nor can they estimate how long you’ll be walking on it. What I can promise you is this: Your comfort on that ice will grow, and so long as you stay diligent on your journey, you will eventually come to find yourself walking on land.
The choice to keep walking, keep slipping, and to keep finding your way through is perseverance and courage. And it is inspiring.
Photo cred: @queer.vibes
Keep doing YOU
What do you believe in a world of contradictions, and confusing and exploitative messages? Who do you trust?
The short answer: yourself.
Only you can choose what feels right for you and ignore what doesn’t. The messages you see can seem exciting, the things you’re told can seem sincere, and the beliefs you didn’t choose to adopt, but are still there, can feel too deeply ingrained to scrape off, but no matter what, you don’t need to subscribe to any of that in order to create a more clear, black-and-white picture around how you view yourself and your sexuality.
“When it comes to investigating and understanding your own individual sexuality…[y]ou don’t need to believe you’ll go to hell if you have sex before marriage in order to decide whether waiting to have sex is a good choice for you. You don’t need to believe you’re sick or broken in order to wish you could just take a pill and want sex out of the blue… …Treat cultural messages about sex and your body like a salad bar. Take only the things that appeal to you and ignore the rest. We’ll end up with a different collection of stuff on our plates, but that’s how it’s supposed to work. It goes wrong only when you try to apply what you picked as right for your sexuality to someone else’s sexuality…
…No girl is born hating her body or feeling ashamed of her sexuality. You had to learn that…You have to learn as well, that it is safe to be loved, safe to be your authentic self, safe to be sexual with another person, or even safe to be on your own.”
At the end of the day, the only person who gets to live your life is YOU. Own your decisions. Own your sexuality. Own your untarnished beauty. And let other women own theirs.
Talking about our “highest” self isn’t a discussion brought up too often — unless we’re in a dispensary…
buh-dum-tsss.
So who is our “Highest Self?” What does it mean?
Our highest self is our deepest intuition. It’s the part of us that works from insight, excites inspiration, and guides us with intention — so long as we choose to listen and remain in connection with it.
Other terms for it are our “value-guided self,” our “wisest self,” our “inner self,” and even “our gut instinct” — and I will be exchanging these terms as I continue this post so do not be confused; they all refer to the same deeper part of our conscious.
In any case, the name is meant to emphasize that our thoughts and consciousness run deeper than what is presented on the surface. That’s because we don’t see someone’s deepest or wisest self through their race, ethnicity, status, or trendy, flashy things. We only see it based on the example they set and how they treat both others and themselves. Our highest self is our own individual guiding principle that leads us toward what we value most, and that’s cultivated through lots of self-reflection and action.
With the amount of distractions, temptations, and loud noise we experience on a daily basis from family, friends, professors, media, society, cultural beliefs, religious values, and even our own combative thoughts, it requires quite some energy to deflect all the clamor and dig deeper into what we believe, what change we want to see in the world, and what it will take from us to go after, or become, that.
Building A Connection with Your Highest Self
Introspection is built just like a muscle. The more we use it, the stronger it gets.
We have to remind ourselves to be still, to listen, and to practice blocking out the distractions when we are listening to our value-guided self. Some examples of what this may look like are:
following through with what you said you’d do for someone — even when it turns out to be an inconvenience
following through with what you said you’d do for yourself — even when it turns out to be an inconvenience
not playing by dating game rules everyone seems to encourage because you know deep down you’d rather find a love more mature and genuine than that
telling your boss you’re too swamped on other projects to take on a new one (#boundaries)
granting yourself a weekend of space and the true rest and recovery you need instead of going out with friends or filling your schedule with things you feel you “have” to do
scheduling a time away from work, school, or other obligations just to go out with friends and have fun
partaking in the activities you love to do, or want to try, regardless if you’re good at them or not
fighting and being an advocate for movements you’re passionate about
standing up for what you believe in, for yourself, and for others in the face of affliction
The more we listen to our value-guided / highest- / wisest- self and go forth with intention, we’ll notice the reward from our practice.
Just think back to the first time you started your current favorite hobby. Perhaps you felt uncoordinated, a little disjointed, and maybe even a little embarrassed about your ignorance around the activity. When I first started bodybuilding the exercise I loathed, but knew I needed to do, were pull-ups. I had to remind and push myself to do them at least every other day because as hard as they were, I knew I wanted to get better at them so they could strengthen my other lifts.
There were days I skipped them completely because I listened to the noise in my head saying they’re too hard…you’re tired today…you’re probably not even going to get 1½…just do them next time. However, the more I blocked out that noise, that is the more diligent I was with keeping up my practice, the stronger I felt myself becoming. Eventually, I felt that strength begin to seep into my other lifts; it improved my posture, and let’s be real, I felt like a bad ass. Eventually I came to love Back-and-Bis Day.
Watching how our confidence and self-trust evolves (through the act of making value-guided decisions and going after what we truly desire to see, and be, in this life) is apowerfulfeeling.Smaller acts of meditation, reflection, and action add up to bigger acts of kindness and confidence, and eventually we come to enjoy the process and develop a gratitude for the situations we’re put in. We begin to trust ourselves and our ability to handle them, more and more.
However, it should be mentioned that this doesn’t mean we can reach a “rite of passage,” so to speak, that automatically grants us an easy-peasy life. To consistently improve, we must consistently practice.
When Your Highest Self Leads You Toward Consequence
**These two statements are incredibly important to remember, so please do not skim over this.**
***
1. We only know what we know when we know it.
Slow down. Read that again: we only know…what we know…when we know it.
2. We cannot know what we don’t know until we know it.
Alright. One more time: we cannot know…what we don’t know…until we know it.
***
Just because we listen to our value-guided self doesn’t mean we will know the outcome of a situation. And it certainly doesn’t mean we will always be right! That’s because our value-guided self can only lead us toward what we currently know and believe is the best decision.
The hardest part of listening to our highest self is not, in fact, the process of listening and going after something; the hardest part is overcoming the fear that somewhere in that process we could be wrong; it’s overcoming the fear that we could be disturbing the peace and very well be making others uncomfortable.
In first grade, there was a boy who consistently teased and picked on me and although I picked back, he almost always got away with it. One day during group time, he mouthed the words “fuck you” to me (I couldn’t make this up if I wanted to). I quickly interrupted the session and yelled out, “[he] just said the f-word to me!!” And unfortunately, we both got detention. Yeup, my first detention ever because I decided I would tolerate that boy’s meanness no longer!
Silly as it seems, there is something to be said about the fact that telling my teacher about him is what I knew, in that moment, would grant me the justice I deserved. Sure, in the end, as a consequence we both received detention, but I learned that next time I’d make sure to wait until after group time to seek justice.
The issues I faced as a seven year old seem minor to my now 23 year old self, but the practice of refining what my wisest self knows is a demonstration that remains the same. When there are consequences to our value-guided behavior, we can trust that our wisest self will always lead us toward what we believe to be right and we will survive through, learn about, and take educational advantage of our mistakes.
And if others become uncomfortable, let them stay that way. Our discomfort is an opportunity to explore our biases, our fears, and our insecurities. Our discomfort is our own responsibility, not someone else’s. Therefore, in pursuing what your wisest, highest self is leading you toward, bare in mind that ensuring everyone else is comfortable is not, and will never be, part of your journey.
Measuring Your Success
So many of us base success on the outcome of a situation. Whether that be on someone’s response (or lack thereof), people’s reactions, if a proposal goes through, if we get the job, or get accepted into a program — the list is endless.
But what if we determined success on our ability to show up in a value-guided way.
The goal is to be clear about our values and be intentional about how we live up to them – for ourselves, for our relationships, for strangers, and especially for those we may not agree with. We needn’t be perfect in our pursuits; we simply need to do the best we can. And if that turns out flawed, we pursue the next right thing.
Lisa Laughman, a social worker from Michigan State University, said it perfectly in her recent webinar:
“I get to navigate my mistakes whole heartedly and in a value-guided way. And then I get to like myself better over time [while] holding way less emotional baggage.”
– Essential Skills for Navigating Difficult Times (Session: 6/6) –
Notice the verbiage: we get to navigate our mistakes. We needn’t see it as a burden, but rather an advantage, a gift. And that’s a powerful way to look at our shortcomings because what we do holds just as much importance as the language we use around it.
^^^
Holding Space for others & Their Highest Selves
During difficult moments when someone is honoring their emotions in your presence, they are placing a sacred trust in you by sharing that experience with you. The most important thing for any one of us to do when that person is uncomfortable, hurting, and confused are the following three things:
1. Remove any judgement
This is not a proper time nor is it your place to offer personal opinions. However strongly you feel about a situation, put it on hold for a while. Simply be there with that person; remain present.
Suspend any comments that resemble things like,
– See, I told you this would happen… – I wish you would have listened to me… – There’s nothing you can do about it now so it makes no sense to cry…
– Please don’t be upset…
– Look at the bright side; things could be so much worse…
– Well at least you — …
2. Don’t fix, do validate
When holding space for another person, our main job is to listen. It’s super important we demonstrate that we care about how that person is feeling. We don’t need to be the problem solver, the fixer, the I’ll-Make-Everything-All-Better man; we just need to identify how a person is feeling and attempt to empathize with it.
Appropriate comments sound more like,
– What you’re going through is really hard… – I can only imagine how painful this must be for you… – So what I’m hearing you say is ___…am I hearing that right? – I might not know what’s the best thing to say, but know that I am here for you…
3. Understand the situation through their lens, not yours.
An incredibly profound quote from Allyson Dinneen says, “Wanting people to feel better isn’t helpful if it is our idea of ‘better’ and not theirs.”
Holding space for another person is not a means of fixing, judging, or evaluating what you think the outcome should look like. Empathy is a means of attempting to understand an experience through their eyes, and throughtheir eyes only. This means we need to be asking more questions than we are making statements.
How you would’ve attempted to handle the situation does not help, it does not validate, and it certainly does not make someone in a vulnerable state feel better.
Questions you can ask that might propel some self-reflection without offering answers or refuting their feelings sound like,
– Who established the rule you’re having around how you’re feeling?
– What would you like to do about this?
– What is the next best thing you can do for yourself now?
– I’m proud of you…will you call me to let me know how it went?
I wanted to write this post without bias toward any specific relationship to religion, witchcraft, or zodiac signs, but it’s worth mentioning that tapping into our highest self is a lifelong practice and study that even monks and spiritual gurus today have a hard time describing. Meditation and quietness is encouraged so much across so many spiritual practices because we cannot get through difficult times when our thoughts and emotions are stuck in the obnoxiously dark and discouraging stores of our mind.
We must remember that while our practice is individual and unique, we are and always will be support systems for one another. Our power to help others and ourselves lies solely within our ability to be present, to encourage without judgement or attitudes of superiority, and to remind each other that no matter what, we can be reliable foundations of love, calmness, and acceptance whenever the going gets tough.
If we can hold this kind of safe space for ourselves, we can do that for others; and in doing so for others, we strengthen and improve our ability to do it for ourselves. It’s a cycle.
Building a connection to your inner gut instinct is a skill, and it’s a contagious one at that. By listening, you bestow a gift of trust to yourself, and you bestow a gift of permission for others to give to themselves. And I’ll say, witnessing the reward that comes from doing so, especially when we use it to navigate difficult situations, is a pretty happy experience, indeed.
In last week’s post I touched on how happiness is not such a blatantly obvious endeavor.
Oftentimes the things that will really make us happier in the long-run are those that aren’t so pretty on the surface; they often tend to be blessing in disguise or take a little more time and effort than we intended to put forth.
This week I’m talking about pain and suffering. What could be so “happy” about the thought of that, you may ask? Well, let’s get into it, shall we?
First and foremost, experiencing pain is an intense paradox.
Contrary to our initial reaction, pain is such an intricate and valuable piece of the human experience. Of course, there is absolutely no diminishing, pretending, or even ignoring that in the wake of heartbreak, loss, illness, injury, abandonment, or another, it feels like a negative experience and it feels personal.
Without these moments, however, we can’t evolve or modify aspects of our lives for the better, we can’t grow mentally, professionally, or even physically, and we can’t truly know happiness, joy, or gratitude on a personal level.
No matter what happens to us, it’s the shift in our mindset during the aftermath of those times that really determines if we can hack happiness or if we will continue to view life through a dark lens.
Analyzing influential figures and the wise-words spoken during their speeches or told in their captivating stories, we witness the effects of their triumph after they’ve walked along the most difficult roads. We observe people’s rise to the top only after they’ve endured trials and tribulations. And the admirable art we view, envy, or simply appreciate, is most often created out of, or inspired by, affliction.
Let’s think about a hard situation we’ve already surpassed …
Think back to a heartbreak you’ve experienced in the past since this is something we’ve all been through. No doubt it sucked, right? We can be sure that heartbreak in the future will suck, too; however, we can take that occasion and consider what we may have done afterward.
Did we feel sorry for ourselves? Tell ourselves we’ll never be loved again? Think up scenarios where we wouldn’t be able to find another person as fun, as comforting, as intelligent, or as sexy as them? Mope around for a while?
Yeah. Don’t be shy, you’ve done it and so have I. It is impossible to just stop feeling angry, sad, resentful, and betrayed in the middle of it’s sensation. The best way out is through…
But what did we do after that?
We remembered who the hell we are, right? Maybe you learned what you really want out of a relationship and/or what you won’t tolerate in your next one. Maybe you learned how to appreciate the company of your friends and family a little more. Maybe you focused on your health and a new hobby by putting more effort into traveling or learning how to roller skate (just as examples). Maybe you even got back into the dating game as a reminder that the world is an incredibly big playground for you to play on and explore.
I mean, when you have so many qualities to offer, why sit on the bench and watch while everyone else plays?
Pain is what catalyzes growth, learning, and self-discovery. We refine ourselves, we find ourselves, and we let go of unnecessary parts of ourselves when we experience misfortunes, hardship, and challenges. We must remember that it’s the hard moments that create the most rewarding pieces of art, and that’s exactly how we come to fully embrace the blessing of being joyful and happy.
Dwelling for long periods of time
When we think about grief, many of us picture losing a loved one. But grief applies to everything. We’ve grieved the loss of normalcy as this pandemic has forced us out of our comfortable routines; we’ve grieved the loss of a character in a film or TV show, we’ve grieved a faltering friendship, the end to our favorite pair of shoes’ life, the end of festival season, etc.
One thing all of these examples have in common is that the grieving process behind them do not have a time limit. There are stages in the grieving process (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) so if there are any “recommendations” or “guidelines” its about about how much time in each stage is “healthy,” but essentially, everyone processes emotions differently and at different paces.
I do believe time is an important factor when we’re going through a hard break-up, a loss, or the diagnosis of someone’s illness AND — I’m avoiding the use of ‘but’ because this is not a contradictory statement — and so is diligent mindfulness around our mourning.
By that I mean we have to bring some awareness to our progress when suffering otherwise we may get stuck in the comfort of our grief.
Which sounds weird, right? Who wants to remain stuck in a place of grief?
Many people, actually. Severity levels vary among situations and people’s individual coping mechanisms. Have you ever felt sad on a drive home and decided to turn on sad music to mock, deepen, and wallow in your depression? I’ve done it on more occasions than I can count. I could’ve played cheery music or a podcast, but I wanted to be sad.
This is not, technically, a bad thing. We simply should remain mindful around how often we do it because the goal is progress in emotional regulation. If we start noticing that we want to be sad all of the time, that is a sure sign we need extra support and guidance in our grieving process. In such a case, seeking out a counselor, therapist, or trusted mentor is necessary.
How the phrase “it could be worse…” actually makes it worse
These five words create an expression that is, in my humble opinion, very controversial.
The only time we tend to rehearse this statement is when we’re saying it to someone else, right? We utilize the phrase with good intentions at heart, but what we’re really insinuating is that one’s situation isn’t that bad, therefore, they should be, in some sense, grateful. Sometimes it can be a helpful statement to remember when the going gets tough, but in the end “it could be worse” prolongs our recovery and coping process.
“It could be worse,” is instead, a phrase that actually has more power to invalidate our situation and belittle the emotions we have around it. When we don’t grant ourselves (or others) the space needed to come to full awareness, or to have a full grieving and healing process because, well, “it could be worse,” we are stripping our (and their) experience of its value and meaning.
Think about it: almost everything could be worse! The only reason we have the ability to compare and contrast these sorts of factors in our life is because our circumstances are incredibly varied. But each person’s reality is unique and individual to them.
It makes no sense, for example, to compare my stress levels to that of the nurses fighting Coronavirus right now. Our realities are too different.
Yes, telling myself “it could be worse” reminds me that I’m lucky to be home safe with my family at this time, but the stress I feel for being unemployed when I’m starting grad school in the Fall, the discouragement I feel when I want certain friends to initiate conversations with me first, and the irritation of being around my parents for too long cannot just so simply be brushed aside because “it could be worse.” That doesn’t relieve the load from my situation regardless of how “light” it is compared to someone else’s.
Remember that your experience is yours. You needn’t place it in a worse- versus better- than category. It’s just different, and that’s okay.
All of this is to say:
The constant cycle between joy and hardship is essential to our humanity because without it we can’t know what it means to be alive.
As the wise Maya Angelou once said, “You need a little rain to make a rainbow.”
We need to suffer before we can persevere, we need to fail before we can succeed, and we need to experience some pain before we can fully understand our capacity to feel joy. To hack happiness, even when we’re stressed and suffering, is to acknowledge our pain, to accept that it is inevitable, and to remember that it is not going to last forever.
Next week, I’m going to hack into happiness by expanding on what it means to live our truth — AKA: live a life true to who we are. And if you still haven’t entirely figured out who your “truest self” is, I’ll draw on how you can figure it out! 😉
In my 23 years of life, I can honestly say I’ve held quite a few diverse jobs. From working in retail, to medical, to administration, to food and beverage, to campus-life, to consulting, and finally, now, to mental health, I’ve been around…in a good way.
However, one thing I can easily tell you is that being an Au Pair was one of the coolest, most exciting, and fulfilling experiences I couldn’t have received anywhere else.
What’s an Au Pair?
If you’re not sure, Google defines it as:
“a young foreign person, typically a woman, who helps with housework or child care in exchange for room and board.”
It’s an accurate description, but if I had to edit it, I just might add:
“…as well as helps teach his/her native language.”
In most countries, English is a highly common language that many people are learning and/or want their children to grow-up learning. From what I’ve gathered, in Spain especially.
While the Au Pair life seems incredible for all the right reasons — living in a new country, having a safe place to stay and a family who can help you gather their culture, feed you, and offer a small stipend of money to get you by — it cannot quash the fact that Au Pairing is a big responsibility. Just as with any job, things can go wrong, stress from novelty and miscommunication can definitely occur; however, those factors are exactly what makes this experience so worth while.
One may go into the journey with the mindset of a teaching nanny, but if gone about correctly, they come out humbly reminded that they are still just as much a life-long learning student as their kiddos are.
It’s quite a beautiful thing, but let me help you prepare a little bit before you embark on your journey…
Qualities of an Au Pair:
Please do not read this as a comprehensive list describing what an Au Pair needs to have prior to take-off — nor is it finished. Some of these qualities can be polished, built upon, or developed through one’s experience. But, of course, they’re still important to mention so that when I go into details later, one can connect the dots as to how these qualities may appear and are put to the test within the experience..
Open-minded: people live differently, think differently, and raise kids differently; being understanding and accepting of this is number one.
Communicative: living in a new home, a new country, in a new culture, and with new people absolutely requires a TON of communication and a setting of boundaries. The key is to NEVER assume, no matter how uncomfortable a situation feels, stay in communication. This is perhaps the most crucial piece to the puzzle.
Patient: as stated above, the newness of your surroundings and living situation will take time getting used to; not to mention, children absolutely require patience because ultimately you are living in their home. Making them feel comfortable with your presence will be your first piece of homework.
Friendly: I feel like this is common sense…
Respectful: this is typically a standard for any new job and should be set reciprocally, but it’s especially important on your end to remember as you will be living with the family who is providing a roof and food to you.
Empathetic: the best thing we can do for ourselves and others to understand them and their decisions is to really try seeing behind their eyes, even if we don’t always agree with them.
Adaptable: This is another good quality to have just in all areas of life. Everything changes — it’s not the Universe’s job to work around us. The sooner we realize this, the easier things become.
Creative: You will be working with children! The more creative you can get, the better — but if you don’t see yourself as a very creative person, don’t worry! Working with children will expand your horizons…
Enthusiastic: This is a big hit for all parties. No one likes someone who is never excited! You’re in a new country; get pumped to see and enjoy as much as you possibly can!
Energetic: Again, you’ll be working with children after all!
Proactive: Sometimes the last thing kiddos need is more discipline — they probably get enough of that from their parents/teachers. Yes, boundaries are important, but as an Au Pair it’s your job to adjust to your kiddos and meet them where they’re at. Figure out ways you can engage them, build trust with them, and show them that you want to have fun just as much as they do!
Sociable: when you’re not with the kids, you’ll want to have a social life of your own! Learning how to step outside of your comfort zone, meet new people, and build your own community while away from home is absolute key to making the most of your experience abroad.
Now that you have a little snippet of the qualities that can positively influence your Au Pair experience in mind, let’s get into some of the nitty gritty stuff…
What they don’t tell you about the Au Pair life…
This may or may not seem like I’m going back and forth, so just bare with me here. Without a doubt, doing a lot of research will help prepare you for plenty of situations while Au Pairing, but there will always be ones out of our control that occur along the ride. Don’t be afraid of this! I promise, it truly is part of the beauty, lessons, and fulfillment you will gain from the experience.
If you’ve accepted this, that’s fantastic! I don’t let your excitement deter you, though, from thinking a little deeper about important considerations before you go. So here’s a few things to ponder a bit more before you go.
The Exchange!
> Family
How well do you know the family you paired with? How well do they know you? How well do they communicate their expectations? What kind of arrangements or accommodations are they willing to make for you? Where will you be sleeping? How willing are they to help you find language classes or work around your schedule if you want to travel for a weekend, volunteer, or even hold another small job on the side?
What kind of area does the family live in? Do they know about any medical/health issues you might have? Are they willing to work with you around them? How does the family eat? Are you comfortable adopting their diet? (FYI: These are allllll part of the accommodations you can talk to them about and come to agreements upon!)
Being as communicative, transparent, and honest as possible is KEY to finding the right family for you. I know you’re excited, but TAKE YOUR TIME WITH THIS PROCESS. You will thank yourself later, and the family will thank you, too.
The best, most accurate depiction of my host family and I, in a nut shell…
> Location
What country will you be visiting? What’s the language? What does the political and economical situation look like? Will you be safe?
What are some cultural differences you can research and understand better before your departure? What’s the time difference? Will it be hard too hard to communicate with friends/family back home if you have opposite schedules? What’s are some common dishes in the cuisine? What are some landmarks you’d be excited to see when you arrive?
These are all factors to consider. You’re moving in with a new family — it should be in a place you’re happy, feel safe, and are excited about.
> Job Requirements
How old are the children? How many children will you be responsible for? What household duties might the family include in your job description? Are you comfortable with that?
How much will you be paid? Being an Au Pair is notabout the money, but make sure you’re aware of the currency and how much that money will buy you in your week-to-week affairs.
What will your daily schedule look like? Are you okay with this? Like seriously, if you had this schedule right now at home, would you be okay with it? What expectations do the family have for you?
It might not seem that serious, but one huge piece of advice I can give to you is to put everything in writing and signing it. If you’re an American going to Europe for longer than three months then this will already be a big requirement needed in your Visa (see below). But if not, it’s still beneficial to have an agreement made in writing so that both parties understand where the boundaries lie and there’s as little miscommunication as possible.
Although this is exciting because you’re living in another country, remember it is going to be a new living situation for you, so make sure you’re as comfortable with where you’re going, what’s expected of you, and who you’ll be living with as much as possible.
>Visas
If you only have an American passport, you’re granted 90 days to travel through the Schengen Territory (which is comprised of 26 European countries with mutually controlled boards that allow for people to move and travel freely). You can look at that list, along with other information, here.
The process of obtaining a Visa, specifically an Au-Pair Visa (which basically falls under the same requirements as a Student Visa) are relatively long, so make sure you plan a decent length in advance. Travel insurance, proof of enrollment into a language school, and the contract are among some of the requirements so you will need time to prepare these for your interview with the consulate of your choice country.
My personal recommendation is to look into scheduling your Visa appointment 6-8 weeks prior to your tentative departure date. *I emphasize tentative because it’s best to wait on buying your actual plane ticket until you get your Visa.*
Be sure to maintain constant communication with your family about this. Some families might only agree to have you as their Au Pair if you can stay for their entire requested duration. Sometimes families are flexible. In my experience, I was meant to stay with my host-family for four months, however, when my Visa got declined, I was fortunate enough that they still accepted me to stay with them for 2.5 months instead.
Personals!
> Emotional Stability & Escaping Issues from Home
When I went into my Au Pair experience, I was hopeful, optimistic, and beyond ready for change, but before my decision to finally say Sayonara!, I was struggling through a darker period of my life. While I was very grateful for having already instilled some healthy mindset practices to grant me the confidence to handle whatever happened, that couldn’t (and didn’t) remove the pre-existing issues I still had yet to heal from or my high level of anxiety.
Traveling will never ask you to be perfectly okay before stepping on a plane, but problems are not automatically left in the country you’re leaving.
Traveling is almost near synonymous with “stressful,” but it’s a different kind of stress. It’s the kind of stress that’s silly, exhausting, and provides you a different sense of self-worth. Sometimes it’s the kind of stress that’s short-lived and other times it’s the kind that will continue to test your patience. In either case, there’s a somewhat magical morphing process that shifts your old problems into something like mustard seeds. So even though the protagonist of your issues might seem to be left behind, the underlying antagonist within you still remains left to be conquered.
I’ll give you a simple example: One of the many triggers that heightened my anxiety were the fights I got into with my Dad. The protagonist was my Dad, but the actual target for those triggers (the antagonist) was my sensitivity to feeling small and incompetent. Just because I was going to be away from my Dad didn’t mean that I wasn’t going to experience smallness and incompetence in other situations.
See, traveling doesn’t eliminate your problems, it serves them to you on a different platter. And sometimes on that platter, you discover new approaches, gain a revamped perspective to solve those problems, and you might find yourself practicing a patience you didn’t know you had.
Other things to consider is that you will be navigating the stresses of figuring out a new city, finding a new community to surround yourself with, adapting to a new family-dynamic and lifestyle, maneuvering a different culture, and more. Please give yourself grace for this when you start your roll. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it! You’ll see!
To sum it up, I think remaining mindful of your mental health status is extremely important when planning, but if you’re questioning yourself it will be beneficial to see a mental health professional or doctor first.
> Financials Prior to Take Off
Au Pairing is not necessarily a huge money-making endeavor. You will not go home rich with green stacks, but you will go home richer with stories, experiences, memories, friends, and hopefully, family-like members that will welcome you back with open arms.
The amount of money you make should be enough to get you by (enough for extra spending) since your room and board are covered; however, the money you take with you should be within the means of covering potential emergencies, other weekend excursions, or pricier Bucket List items you might have in mind (like making reservations to a Michelin Star restaurant or getting a tattoo).
Of course, we cannot all prepare for everything. I know a student who went to study abroad for a year and only had $2,000 to hold him over for that entire time. He still thrived. I read an article some years back about a girl who moved to Australia with only $800. She, too, thrived. It’s smart to be a little prepared, but anything is possible.
> Having Other Side Hussles
Let’s say you want to volunteer, or you find a position at a local coffee shop, or you’re a Blogger/Podcaster/YouTuber and plan to bring that side-hussle to your destination. They’re all incredibly awesome gigs to keep up abroad and it’s totally possible to do so!
Just make sure that your host family is aware of your plans and are flexible about them. Remember: you’re there to be an Au Pair first, and other involvements come second. If you can schedule volunteer/work/other hours outside of your Au Pair duties successfully, then you, my friend, are golden!
> Family & Friends Back Home
Your family and friends are obviously going to be interested, excited, and worried about your whereabouts, but they’re also living their own lives and not always going to be able to relate; therefore, I have contradictory views to share on this.
In my experience, I have both traveled for a period of time and was in constant communication with my Mom (so much so, I wasn’t really dealing with situations or making decisions on my own — which later only worried her more because she was on the other side of the world when I was “alone” and freaking out), while I have also traveled for a period of time and mainly communicated with friends and family to let them know I was okay (which sometimes made me feel alone because they weren’t reaching out first).
I think with more experience, we find our happy medium within the system. I would confidently argue that you can find independence in fending on your own AND you can find that you miss and appreciate certain people more than you intended to. Whatever it is, don’t be afraid to act on it. It’s okay to distance yourself, but it’s also okay to reach out more and bask in the love that people express toward you when you’re gone.
However, I cannot forget to mention: Please don’t be surprised or hurt when people back at home can’t relate or don’t seem as excited for you as you’d hoped they’d be. Likewise, sometimes newfound perspectives and opinions make it harder to hear what’s going on at home without judging. The first step in this situation is awareness; remembering that YOU are out doing something different with your life, so just because YOU feel like a changed person doesn’t mean people at home do, too. Try to grant them that much respect (I had to learn this the hard way…).
BUT, that’s all the more reason to find and nurture the relationships cultivated along your travels!
♥
Little Reminders Before the Trip…
If you plan to Au Pair longer than 90 days, look into the Visa application process, what state the appropriate Consulate is located in, and what documents you will need to prepare prior to interviewing. Also, don’t wait to make the appointment! I did that and it screwed me over. If you have to cancel it, so be it, but those slots fill up really fast, so reserve yours ASAP!
Download WhatsApp, if you haven’t already, and encourage family and friends to utilize it to talk to you while you’re away. It’s widely used across many continents and makes cross-platform messaging/calling/video-chatting/sharing locations/etc. sooo much easier than your typical SMS or iMessaging.
Look into your phone carrier”s international data plans. Plan ahead for this because you don’t want to be surprised with a HELLA big bill upon return, but buying SIM cards abroad is an option, too! I had an international texts/calls included in my plan, so if you need more information you can check out this link.
To find a family, I used AuPairWorld & found it extremely user friendly, safe, and easy to navigate.
Once you find a family, talk to them as often as possible in your prep before take-off. It will make meeting a lot less awkward because the illusion of consistent communication can make transitions feel easier — Facetime/Skype is really good for this!!
When we’re excited about something, we tend to mindlessly agree to all the things, forgetting our specific needs and convincing ourselves we’ll be fine. I’m a huge advocate of crossing the bridge once we get there, but I will still encourage you to SLOW DOWN and think before making any rash decisions.
Prepare for some things, but don’t try to prepare for everything. More than likely, you will drive yourself up a wall and talk yourself out of it. There are plenty of other Au Pairs who have made it happen, so can you!
Little Reminders During the Trip…
Don’t be afraid of culture shock. It will make you feel incredibly vulnerable, but don’t fight the feelings. Let them come, work through them, and remember that once you’re more accustomed to the changes, you’ll feel humbled, expanded, and grateful for the experience.
You might have off days or feel extra homesick, but use that as an opportunity to communicate on a deeper level with your host-family. In these moments, we’re subconsciously longing for connection, but just like you want to be a good guest, they want to be good hosts. So comforting you in times of need will give them a sense of importance; your vulnerability will help build that trust and connection between the two of you; And ultimately, it will help make your stay much smoother.
Go out and explore!!! Engage with the locals, try something new that you never would have thought to do at home. Squeeze out allllllll the juice from the fruits of travel!
Enjoy the less-enjoyable moments, don’t fight them. First of all, they will pass. No moment is “bad” because everything can be turned into a an opportunity to learn and grow. These are valuable pieces of the human experience we all can benefit from appreciating sooo, tough love here: swallow your pride and ask yourself what you can learn from your and the family’s mistakes. What could you have done differently? How can you improve your own mindset, behaviors, and reactions?
Say yes to all foods. ‘Nough said.
Keep a journal!!! This is probably my favorite and most important statement in this entire article. I can guarantee you, so much gets lost in our memory, and I can’t tell you how cool it is to look back on old journals and think, “omg I completely forgot about that!” It makes reminiscing that much more fun.
Write as much of everything down as you possibly can — you’ll be so happy you did.
If I missed something or you have specific questions, please don’t hesitate to comment or message me privately! I’ll be so happy to help!
Enjoy your travels, and good luck in your pursuits! 🙂
I’ve noticed recently that it has been a while since I’ve thought negatively about my body — or at least, negatively enough to cause an entire mood to change.
Yet…
I can still remember a time when I’d wake up daily and let my entire demeanor be dictated by whether I felt “lean enough” that morning or not.
I remember, if I didn’t, I’d push my breakfast off until noon, or later — at least until my stomach grumbled hard enough for me to feel like I “deserved” to eat.
I remember when I’d go to the gym, and no matter how confident I might have felt on that particular day, if I saw another girl who appeared leaner and/or had more muscle, I’d obsess over her in my mind thinking, “why can’t I look like that?”
I remember how gut-wrenchingly hurt and jealous I was when people at social gatherings commented on my Mom’s weight loss, how strong she looked, and how disciplined she was and completely overlooked me (even though I ate nearly the same things and worked out just as hard as her).
I can still vividly remember the countless number of times I cried myself to sleep because I thought I’d never look like the women I admired on the internet.
Yet, again, here I am…
Content and unbothered by my morning reflection in the mirror.
Content and aware of my eating patterns and how they affect my body.
Content and generous toward my body’s needs.
Content and proud for other women and their strength.
Content and pretty near comfortable in my OWN skin — with all it’s blemishes, flaws, and it’s uneven consistency.
Years of practicing gratitude in various ways, constantly reminding myself in vulnerable times that my body had nothing to do with how I was feeling, and remembering to fully capture the moments I felt the most connected with myself and my friends/family — whether I was feeling lean or not — is what has made all the difference.
Continuing to be open to self-expansion is the best things we can do for ourselves when it comes to achieving body neutrality.
We capture certain details differently, we interpret information on separate levels, and we appreciate various aspects of our surroundings through diverging angles. Letting ourselves explore and experiment with different ways to love our body not only improves the way we listen to our body but it also develops accurate ways around how we respond to it. And that’s how we build confidence.
For example, I’m well aware of my body’s signals exactly one week prior to my menstrual cycle based off my energy levels, cravings, emotions, and mental clarity. I won’t guess that it’s because of my period; I know it’s because of my period. Therefore, I plan my week accordingly and mentally prepare myself for when it comes.
Becoming as comfortable as possible with the moments that makes us think “this feels completely silly,” makes us focus on going inward. We become more intuitive around what makes us tick – like when we feel awkward, connected, uneasy, and loved. We begin to understand the why behind it. And if we know this, then our self-perception naturally finds neutrality, self-acceptance, and finally, unconditional love.
I wish for you to find just that.
XOXO,
Sab ♥
P.S. Not to get confused – the featured photo is of the side of my hip and leg while lying on my back; taken at Playa de Salvaje in Bilbao, Spain, last Fall. My stretch marks, razor bumps, and tan-lines still remain. ☺️
Jennifer Lopez and Shakira, right next to the incredible Lizzo, conveyed an important message last night that goes so much deeper than meets the eye.
These stars represented how powerful women can be (especially when they come together), the strength behind confident energy, the importance of celebrating and acknowledging diverse cultures and colors in America, the fact that all bodies, of any shape, size, and color, can put on a damn good show, and just how meaningless the factor of age is in all of that!
Yet still, somehow, within all these factors, people find that the most important part to talk about is how the women on stage looked, how one served as a figure for “body acceptance,” while others did not, and how some of their body language was not “family-appropriate.”
Let this serve as a prime example of just how obsessed our society is with beauty standards and appearance…
Let this remind you how pressed women are to constantly believe they’re in competition with other women as we argue about which Latina “won” — when we were all just watching a game of Football, not a female rivalry for who wore it/flaunted it/performed it better…
Let this remind you how wrongly biased we are when perceiving one woman’s performance as “empowering” while we view others’ as “slutty.”
Let this remind you just how “family appropriate” it is criticize and humiliate figures on TV instead of taking a moment to educated young children and family members on whatever it is we might want them to learn.
@IAmErinBrown responds to the final point so well in her Instagram post:
“And even if you are uncomfortable with these being religious values around purity and modesty, the super bowl is not your church…no one is required to live by your religious doctrine…if a sparkly outfit akin to what figure skaters wear is not something you would wear, then you can just not wear it. It’s pretty simple.”
The importance of diversity, the importance of empowering women to celebrate their own potential and support EACH OTHER in their efforts, the importance of taking pride in one’s body and all it’s abilities (HELLO POLE-DANCING & HIP SHAKING IN BIKINIS), and simply acknowledging the hard thought and practice that was put into entertaining YOU and the rest of the world is what really deserves to be acknowledged and appreciated here.
I can’t stress enough how meaningful it is to see Latin cultures being expressed by two proud Hispanic WOMEN who are also MOTHERS. I can’t begin to express how lovely it is to see a strong black woman setting a powerful example for what it means to own THE SHIT out of her talents, her body, and her accomplishments — all despite the odds they surely worked against to get to where they are today.
Can we celebrate the beauty in THAT?! Can we stop looking at women as pawns serving an aesthetic pleasure and instead look at them for their strength, confidence, talents, intelligence, and undoubtedly hard-work? Can we, as women, start hyping each other ALL THE WAY UP — no matter where we come from, what color we are, the size of our body, and what religious and societal messages are teaching us in order to maintain insecurity, female-rivalry, and patriarchy?
We’ll be so much more productive, further advanced, and better off for doing it…
Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think we all want (and could use) some more feedback in our lives.
We all want to know when we’ve done something well — like when we’ve led a project with patience and diligence; when we’ve made our partner feel heard and loved; or when our hard-earned sweat is acknowledged by another gym member holding a thumbs up.
We treasure these smaller moments because they show we’re appreciated, our efforts are recognized, and it motivates us to continue doing that same action.
Moreover, we can always benefit just as much from the kind of feedback that makes us feel a little awkward…
AKA: tough conversations!
Tim Ferriss coined the quote:
“A person’s success in life can usually be measured by the number of uncomfortable conversations he or she is willing to have.”
The man was definitely on to something, but what if our past experiences never prepared us for them? So many of us have grown up around constant criticism rather than praise, which makes it much more difficult to be open to harder conversations, let alone being able to start them.
For example, growing up I never learned how to healthily communicate what I thought or felt (or even knew that what I felt mattered in the first place).
Instead, my temper grew as quickly as the tone of my voice when I wanted to be heard; I was all self-defense and never knew how to slow down and simply listen. As tension built, I became easily flustered, cried, and developed an extremely low self-esteem (although my angry voice attempted to convince otherwise).
My brother, on the other hand, learned an opposite tactic. He learned how to keep his sadness and anger to himself. For him, self-expression never helped a situation, so he kept quiet and took his feelings to his room and numbed them out through media distractions.
In either case, people can learn very quickly that the easiest way to avoid the discomfort that comes with tough conversations (especially when they trigger similar painful mechanisms like the ones my brother and I resorted to) is to avoid any kind of action that might lead to malaise. Then, in turn, we start to see more people ghosting (and being ghosted), more emotional avoidance, and a whole lot of skepticism. In a nutshell, our ability to trust others feels almost nonexistent.
BUT YOU CAN CHANGE THAT
By having more tough conversations, we reduce stress, improve performance, build more trust with others, maintain stronger relationships, and grow into more alignment with the life that we truly want.
YES, that choice — living in alignment with the life we want — is ours. We don’t have control over 100% of life’s happenings, but we absolutely have control over how we react to them — and that’s just as important, if not more!
What are some ways you avoid discomfort? Did you learn it through your parents? Were there tactics you taught yourself as a means to get by without conflict or reprimand? Take a step back to analyze how you’ve developed; talk to someone about it, read up on it, and/or write about it.
Then, through small steps, try to teach yourself how to get comfortable with the uncomfortable. This is how you will be able to override what you learned in your past with new ways to take control of your life.
As soon as we have more clarity to see our actions and/or how we can improve them, we can begin to hold more space for self-respect. Holding a higher self-respect exemplifies the standard to which we hold others (remembering that respect is never demanded, but earned). We only have control over ourselves, our thoughts, our actions, and our reactions — which all makes a profound difference in who and what we surround ourselves with, which inevitably plays right back into who we are.
That quote that goes something like, “you are the average of the five people you spend most of you time with,” is THEE TRUTH.
What else to consider in our practice to have more tough conversations…
1. There’s a polite way to communicate any message.
Not returning a call to an employer who’s offering a position you don’t want anymore, or ignoring messages from someone who wants to see you again, are not polite ways you “give hints” to convey a message. Even if the message you want to communicate might seemingly upset or disappoint the other party, saying nothing at all is way worse.
These opportunities to practice communicating better are so valuable because it’s how we show respect for ourselves and others; we can all benefit from being a higher quality communicator.
Sure, it might be easy to get lost in the fact that there are plenty of awful communicators around us, and think “well, what’s the use?” Except, they are not you. If we can practice transmitting messages with better care, others will eventually be inspired to do the same. A candle is never dimmed by sharing its light!
Moreover, you choose who you get to burn bridges with; however, I encourage you, no matter what the circumstance is, to imagine how you’d feel if you were on the other side of that burning bridge. If you can easily justify that you “wouldn’t care,” you really haven’t tried to envision anything.
2. Consider how both parties can benefit from having the conversation.
Let’s take it back to the example above: You need to return a call to an employer who just offered you a position you no longer want.
Sure it’s unfortunate, but by honestly telling the employer you’re not interested anymore you’re granting them the opportunity to pursue other candidates sooner. Not only will they appreciate you for saving their time, but you’re also indirectly helping improve their business ventures. It’s a professional favor in disguise.
The same can be said for telling someone you’re no longer interested in seeing them. It established that you have a higher regard for that person and their time. If they don’t take it very well, that’s their responsibility — not your fault.
3. Use it as an opportunity to practice setting boundaries.
Boundaries are another form of respect to both you and your partner/friend/coworker/boss/etc. Conversations can transpire in a multitude of ways so it’s hard to say exactly how and what to set boundaries on, but the main gist lies within establishing your self-worth by conveying what behaviors are acceptable and unacceptable to you.
While some instances are more obvious than others, not everyone knows when their actions are “crossing the line.” Remaining calm, letting people know their lack of consideration was unappreciated, and how they can treat you better is an extremely valuable brick when building stronger relationships.
4. Faults are easy to correct when you can remember we all make mistakes (including you).
If there was a high standard of perfection placed on us while growing up, we might feel an immense amount of shame for making a mistake. We might also find that this shame we hold from making mistakes gets relayed onto others as we begin to hold them to that same expectation.
Some may argue this is how we motivate people to pay more attention to their actions, but over the long-run, it still damages our ability to trust ourselves, and to trust others, which then places more pressure on them to trust themselves — and the cycle continues.
When I was young, I knew that sudden loud noises would trigger my Dad. Dropping a glass, for example, meant I could anticipate that I was about to get yelled at. The fear of his anger shamed me into aiming for constant perfection. Later, if my brother was handling a glass, I attempted to hold him to that same kind of expectation. And if he did a bad job, I’d instill the same shame (from distrust) onto him because he was risking both of our butts to our Dad’s whipping!
However, the reality of it is this: is a broken glass really that serious? Was the price I paid for my fear of getting in trouble worth how I treated my brother?
Nope, not even close.
The more we can show others that we trust them, even when they (inevitably and understandably) make mistakes, the better results rendered in performance in the long run AND in the health of our relationships — which is so much more important than broken glass.
5. Don’t shut it down!
Discomfort can feel overwhelming, especially when you’re just starting fresh and easing your way into an intentional practice; however, it’s so so sooooo important to remember NOT to shut it down.
If you have to walk away from a situation and come back to it when you’re ready, that is setting a boundary. This is okay!
There is nothing wrong with saying, “I’m feeling more flustered than I thought I would, and I need to take a mental break. Can we return to this later?” It’s not always easy in the heat of the moment, but listen to yourself if that’s what you need to do.
The more we walk away from an unresolved situation and assume that time will fizzle away the awkwardness or pain, we are setting up ourselves and the relationship for failure. This creates more disconnection, animosity, and grudges. Then later, when arguments stir up about who didn’t take out the trash, it won’t actually be about the trash — it’ll be about the four other things that were swept under the rug.
6. Set an intention to practice the habit, not just accomplish the goal.
Usually when goals are achieved, we can pat ourselves on the back and move on.
But there is no finish line here. We’re not aiming to be some sort of tough-conversationalist expert. This is an intentional practice. When we practice with intention, our efforts turn into habits, and habits build the foundation of our lives. We don’t practice to be perfect; we practice to make progress.
As long as we can keep trying our best to get better, do better, and be better, we’ll continue to thrive.
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XOXO, Sab ღ 