The Garden Analogy of Dating & Relationships

Dating can be fun, but if you’re in the game right now — and looking at it from the perspective I did — then you may be thinking that there’s something wrong with you if no one has “worked out” yet. Every passerby feels like they’re just confirmations that you’re unworthy of a special kind of love and will likely spend the rest of your life single. You may have accepted it, but I have a fun analogy that I think might put this into a nicer perspective, and put you into a higher spirit…

I like to think of ourselves in love and relationships like a garden. Maybe you’ve heard this before, but let’s dissect it a bit more.

We’re the gardeners, right? So we’re meant to tend to our peonies, orchids, and roses, and every other gorgeous flower that represents our highest selves (like, for example, our self-compassion, self-kindness, and self-trust), and to pull the weeds (of low self-esteem, self-doubt, shame, and toxicities of any kind).

You may have a picket fence protecting your garden, and you may not, so sometimes people can look (while you’re making it known they can’t touch), or you may only open the gates of the fence slowly and carefully.  In any case, whenever you’re ready to show off this garden to the world and welcome some visitors (AKA: start dating), then as the sole protector of this garden, you have to be aware of what those visitors are doing, if they’re helping you water, or if they’re killing your soil.

Some visitors, you’ll find, meander around just to check out all the plants before deciding to walk out (oftentimes unannounced), or they might want to help you tend to your garden. Here’s where you have to be careful: I’d [optimistically] say that most of those visitors either
A) don’t always realize if they’re watering your precious flowers or if they’re watering the dreaded weeds, or
B) they only know how to water the weeds of their own garden so that’s how they’re watering yours…

In other words, I don’t think every visitor is out to completely rip your garden to shreds. But each one that came and didn’t fit in quite right probably showed you an area of your garden that needed more TLC; maybe they pointed out that the weeds you had growing were already out of control and needed tending to that they didn’t want to help with; Or they taught you that you needed to pay more attention and be more careful about who you let into your garden and who you give a watering can to in the first place. 

But even after all the visitors that walked out with a lack of interest, or who watered the weeds and dried out the flowers, or those whose gardens you admired from afar while wishing they’d just notice yours, you have to believe that there will be someone who will see, and love, and help you nurture your garden healthily and joyfully. Together, you’ll find a way to combine efforts and make one huge picturesque, botanical beauty.

Through your experience with faithless visitors — you know, the ones came and went — I promise your intuition will simply know the helpful, the genuine, and the right visitor when they come. They’ll likely peak their head over the fence (if you have one) and ask with a big smile, “Hi, can I come in?” 

They’ll walk forward humbly, slowly, but confidently. They’ll look over your flowers with a careful eye and will ask how they can be part of the process to help. They’ll be interested in how you’ve grown your garden, they’ll be gentle, respectful, and they’ll even volunteer to help you pull the dreaded weeds that everyone else before them had a problem with.

They’ll be diligent and adamant that they pull them by the root so those weeds don’t have a space to grow again. AND THEN they’ll replant new flowers that you didn’t know existed. Those will grow into breath-taking lotuses (and if you didn’t know about the lotus flower, it grows in muddy, murky conditions, yet when it blooms it’s unstained). 

So that’s not to say this special visitor won’t make mistakes; it’s not to say that they won’t accidentally slip up from time to time, forgetting to help you water certain areas of your garden (they’ll also be tending to their own garden, don’t forget!), but they’ll go the extra mile to fix their mistakes. They’ll bring their unique skill set — that is, their patience, their empathy, their listening ear, their ability to communicate, and their love — and the “deadline” to when they stop won’t exist.

Because that’s what happens when people aren’t playing ding-dong-ditch at your garden entrance; that’s what happens when caring gardeners want to join forces with other thoughtful gardeners who plant and pull weeds intelligently, but who also have ideas that could benefit their craft. 

All of this is to say, KEEP WATERING, NURTURING, AND COMPASSIONATELY TENDING TO YOUR GARDEN. Work on maintaining the nutritious seeds of patience, genuine kindness, and self-confidence into the foundation of your soil. Weeds may grow, but they won’t distract the right visitor, at least not early on. If they do, that visitor will have the heart to make sure those weeds disappear (they won’t poke and prod, water, and forget to pull them).

Remain hyper-vigilant of your garden. If anyone, and I mean anyone, brings on a sense that they’re questionable, then they are! Don’t take that lightly; your intuition is too powerful to not trust it. 

As a final note, remember that not all visitors are meant to stay — that includes the quick passerby’s and the super helpful ones who we thought and wanted to stay. Just because one really great visitor leaves doesn’t mean that your garden will die; don’t let that happen. We will always, always be able to keep supporting the flowers they planted even when they’re gone.

As for anyone else, keep a close eye over how they treat your garden. Open the gate for those who want out, and kindly guide the confused ones to the exit. The more space you have for the right visitor, the better! And once they peek their head over your fence, or at least keep showing up to the entrance until you invite them in, they will do whatever it takes to stay.

XOXO,
Sab

Travel Reflections: Making Friends with Feelings

These last few weeks of September have absolutely flown by.

The fact that we are already six days into October is nerve wracking because it seems as though my time is running out (and in reality it is, but I need it to slow down!!).

I arrived in Bilbao nearly one month ago and — wait….hang on, let me count this……….

 seven, eight, nine….

MADRE MIA! It has only been 25 days that I’ve lived in Bilbao, but it still feels like it has been way longer.

Regardless if you consider that “long” or “short,” and even though I obviously have an extremely large amount of sights to see, foods to try, and places to explore, there’s one thing that I can already say for certain:

I really feel at home here.

Every day, I walk the same side-streets, I see the same smiling faces when I walk into my gym in the mornings, and I see the same guy sitting in front of the supermarket who kindly says “Hola Guapa!” when I walk by (which is quite often because I walk by that market multiple times a day).

I also walk by the same grocery stores, hair salons, and souvenir shops; I see the same bars, cafeterias, and pintxos through las ventanas abiertas, and I see the same families and children playing in the park every day. I regularly say, Hola, que tal?! to some of them while I send a nice, big smile and a wave to others.

The familiarity that has grown through the repetition of my routine makes me feel comfortable. And as my Spanish (ever so slowly) improves, my sense of belonging grows as well.

Belonging. That’s probably the best feeling one can have when living in a new country, but the need to make friends with my day-to-day feelings, on the other hand — which are dynamic, confusing, and tough — is a challenge I’ve been constantly learning how to overcome, but especially in these last few weeks.

Make Friends with What?

…my feelings! (lol)

I understand if that sounds quite silly, but solo-traveling, living in a new country, and experiencing new cultures comes with its difficulties. It’s a fact, and there’s simply no way around it.

Accompanying those difficulties are the feelings Insecurity, Loneliness, Fear, Embarrassment, and Doubt — or the “Gang.”

Just like some of those family members you might not really want to see over the holidays, you still have to be nice and respectful to them, so the same goes for the “Gang” when they sit down at the table.

The cool thing is that oftentimes, when we can turn off the judgmental switch in our brains, and actually open our hearts to those family members, listen to them, and attempt to see from their point of view, we can experience a change of heart. Likewise, when we really open our hearts and invite the “Gang” to the table, you’ll notice their intentions were never “bad,” and you’ll notice they’re just as important as inviting Joy, Excitement, and Love.

 

Let’s welcome them, shall we? 

Insecurity.
As with any new place, new neighborhoods, new cultures, new languages, Insecurity can bring a feeling that you’re lacking, that you aren’t “enough” of something. Maybe you don’t feel like you fit-in enough or know enough; maybe you aren’t cool enough, interesting enough, pretty enough, confident enough, etc.

These can apply to any situation at any time, and it’s never just one insecurity that we’re feeling. For example, I might feel like I don’t know enough Spanish to start a conversation with someone at the bar, but I also might not feel interesting enough for them to want to hold one with me in the first place. That’s a two-fold, which only increases my chances of not trying to strike up a conversation…right?

Wrong! ‘Cause here’s the thing…

Insecurity will sit down with you at the table, and he might say you don’t “know” enough or you’re not “interesting” enough while you’re trying to hype yourself up to go talk to said person at the bar. But then you can respond to him with, “Hey Insecurity, what you’re saying is valid. Surely not knowing enough Spanish is a challenge, and it’ll suck if the person doesn’t find me interesting, but let’s give it a try anyway.”

Insecurity was only there to remind you that, yeah, your ego very well might get hurt if you find that your lack of Spanish is hindering the conversation, or that the person at the bar wasn’t the right person to connect with, but Insecurity never said, “don’t do it at all.” That was your own self connecting the two dots.

It’s up to you to politely remind Insecurity that you’re learning, and that there’s other fish in the sea, so nothing is end-all-be-all.

 

Loneliness.
This guy is a real tough one. He can seem stubborn, tedious, and purposely annoying; he can drain levels of energy and creativity, and make you feel like you’re the only person in the world who feels isolated, BUT he can also be the very thing that creates you into the strongest version of yourself if you actively listen to his messages.

When Loneliness invites himself to the table, he can feel like a life-sucker — I know this because I’m sitting with him right now, at this very moment, and he’s really getting to me. However, if you (and I) can accept that his presence is a reminder encouraging us to get moving, to seek out real connection with others, and to try something we haven’t tried before, maybe we’ll notice that he’s not saying “you suck,” but instead he’s saying, “hey…we need to change this, but you’re the one who has to do something about it!”

Maybe that means applying for a new job, or volunteering, or building a new community around something you’re passionate about, or going back to school, or reaching out to people you miss, or actively seeking out and starting conversations with new people.

When we feel lonely, especially while traveling, it’s because we haven’t found the people or places that make us feel important, meaningful, and loved. Loneliness seems like it’s pointing its finger at us and saying, “you — you are the problem here,” but that couldn’t be further from the truth.

Loneliness is pointing at the lack of connections we have, it’s pointing at our lack of community, and it’s pointing at the fact that we’re not actively trying to change our situation, but instead we’re just wallowing in our sadness and hoping for some outside force to change it for us.

Don’t be fooled. Loneliness can make you a go-getter, but you first must change the way you internalize his messages.

 

Fear.
Fear turns on our body’s natural survival instinct. He makes us experience an elevated heart rate, “tunnel” vision, sweaty palms, and so on. We can feel uncomfortable, but these physiological changes are extremely intelligent mechanisms we undergo when we’re in a situation that could potentially kill us.

Most of us don’t necessarily need these mechanisms, depending on the societies we live in, but the process is still the same when we’re undergoing anything that causes us stress. As Jessica Kneeland states in her Make Friends with Your Feelings e-course, “Each experience programs our brain to know what’s dangerous, [that way] we know what to avoid in the future…a similar thing happens with getting hurt emotionally.” AKA: most of us experience fear nowadays because we emotionally view certain things as dangerous territory.

…Oh, hey there Insecurity! What’s up, Loneliness? Lovely to see you both, again.
(*Side note: They’re all best friends…)

Fear is the child that needs to be taught they’re safe. And you need to go through the motions with them so they can full embody what it feel like to go through whatever the fear is, and rewrite the script.

So if Fear is telling you all the reasons why you shouldn’t apply there, or start a conversation over there, or take a trip out there, you need to take him through the motions and help him realize that his fears are valid, but they’re not going to kill him.

 

Walked with Fear through a haircut when I had no clue how to explain what I wanted…turned out successful though, I’d say! 

 

Embarrassment.
Oh, Embarrassment…he is a lovely son of a gun when he sits at the table.

He might try to convince you that you’re the only one to have ever done something “embarrassing,” but sometimes you just gotta laugh along with him. It can sting in the moment, but Embarrassment is there to remind you that you’re simply going to look back one day and laugh. He’s a funny guy; just trust that the jokes he has now will have more flare later…

 

Doubt
Doubt is similar to Insecurity because he, too, is just trying to save your Ego (a very precious possession of the brain). He might be there to remind you of that one time something didn’t work out, and ask you if you really have the confidence to try again.

To that you just have to say, “yes…yes I do!”

Let’s say, perhaps once upon a time ago you tried to kick a ball, fell on your butt, and decided that you’re never going to be coordinated. But then you’re out with friends and they decide to play a game of soccer and invite you to play.

Doubt is going to ask you, “Remember that one time…you really want to do that again?”

Fear and Embarrassment might chime in like, “Yeah! You really wanna do that again? Let’s bet on the odds that you’re going to fall again…”

Then Insecurity might add, “Yeah…I don’t know about this one.”

However, none of them said, “You can’t.” In fact, the only one who said that was you…

So, my friend…if you want to go play soccer…go play soccer!

…and while you play soccer,
I’m gonna go run up the mountain with my resistance bands!

Joy, Excitement, and Love

These awesome feelings sometimes are the first to arrive to the party, then sometimes they disappear, but they always return.

After sitting with the “Gang” for a while, the presence of Joy, Excitement, and Love brings on a high that is so much more potent. We can appreciate and cherish their company that much more, and enjoy how incredible they feel when they’re around.

In my experience, when I’m not constantly fighting with the “Gang,” they stick around much longer. They help me deal with the pressures from Insecurity and Doubt, they remind me that there’s a bright side if I remain patient with Fear and Embarrassment, and they help encourage me to overcome the heaviness from Loneliness when I’m on the verge of giving up.

But as with everything and everyone who joins around the table, all of these feelings have a rightful and deserved place there. When I invite them to the party, I learn how love them more and more when they all attend.

 

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I hope this can help you to invite your own “Gang” to the party (along with the lovelies Joy, Excitement, and Love), and I hope that it will show you the beauty that lies behind their purpose, and how to love them all the same.

Until next time…

XOXO,
Sab♥