What I adore so much when talking about the “L” word, is that everyone’s version of it is vastly unique.
To understand love better, or to know what we’re “supposed” to be on the lookout for when we’re actively seeking out a partner to fall in love with, I think most of us try to narrowly categorize what love is and what it feels like. Truth is, though, our experiences behind each and every relationship in our lives (romantic, social, and familial) are just too different. The love I feel for my Mom might be similar but it’s not the same kind of love I feel for my best friend, and that’s because I share different experiences with each person. I believe this is the exact reason love is such a hard phenomenon to describe.
A few weeks ago I wrote an article about not settling for the bare minimum (in so many words, by “bare minimum” I meant “half-assed versions of love”). Early in to that article I vaguely mentioned these contrasting versions of love; however, I also mentioned that the kind I didn’t know personally was the intimate and committed kind that we feel for our partners……….and, well…I want to take that back now.
Maybe it’s not lOvE… I already know some would reckon that it’s too early to call it that, but one thing I know for sure is that it’s definitely more than just a “liking.” Perhaps the next stage is “like-like” or super like, but even if those terms have potential to be correct, what I’m feeling is way stronger than that. The feeling I’m experiencing is one of appreciation, adoration, admiration, and gratitude. I feel safe, I feel a new place in my heart opening up and it feels like home; I’m in a trance, and I have no intentions or desires to get out.
Could that be the “L” word? And if that’s the “L” word, why are we so intimidated by it? Why do we tread around it with such caution? Is it really all that scary?
If you can’t tell, I’ve naturally had some time to ponder these questions…
I’ve heard that love is too strong of a word and it shouldn’t be used lightly but, personally, I use the word often with friends, family, and things or activities I really enjoy….except when it comes to intimate relationships. I, too, have seemingly been programmed to adopt the oh-so-common belief that love is scary, intimidating, and should be stated only if we’re sure it’ll be reciprocated (otherwise it’s embarrassing). I, too, have thought that saying “I love you” is like walking on egg shells. I get it.
Plus, with the wide-ranging amount of definitions behind the “L” word (AKA: personal experiences, as well as the ones we’ve witnessed), it’s understandable why such negative misconceptions are easier to latch onto. Love oftentimes get a misconstrued reputation because we place it at the face of other painful experiences, and that conditions us to think that Love is synonymous with disloyalty, broken promises, false hope, and maltreatment. We know those aren’t acts of love, but we still fear the possibility so showing emotions, telling others how we feel, going out of our way to go the extra mile, are just a few subtle expressions of love that have taken a hit. And it shows in how offset we are by the word.
All I know is that we have only one life to live, and I don’t want to spend mine fearing the very thing that adds so much meaning to it; the thing that is so breathtakingly valuable to my joy. I hope you don’t either, so here are some reminders to keep in mind about the “L” word…
It is kind, it is peaceful, and it universally binds us together
Although Love is not culturally universal (because of the arbitrary ways it’s expressed and internalized); our capacity to Love is. When we show up for others, when we give our best selves to a relationship, project, or another, and when we practice self-compassion, we are becoming one with ourselves and one with the other people in our lives.
It might seem like Love is synonymous with emotions like anger, jealousy, or sadness (because sometimes we think that these emotions are brought forth out of love), but we must let go of this notion. Love can come after experiencing anger, jealousy, or sadness, but these emotion are not synonymous with Love.
For example, I get angry when my best friend looks down on herself. My anger might seem like it’s coming from a place of Love, but my anger is not Love. Me reminding her of all her greatest qualities, how worthy she is, and how much I appreciate her as my best friend is love.
The more we come to understand love in this context, the better I think we can be at both expressing it and receiving it. Love will always be kind, peacefully, and bring us together as long as we remember what real love is.
just a small drop has the capacity to develop, expand, rise, and multiply
It’s no question that love is contagious. When we witness someone falling in love, what do we see? They’re giddy, they smile more, they put forth more effort into their pursuits and goals, they walk with their head held a little higher, their chest a little broader, and they’re more apt to say yes to new opportunities.
Think about it this way: when a candle shares it’s light, does it dim? Nope, it does not; the light just keeps spreading from one candle to another. The same goes for how we experience and express love — it can develop, it can expand, it can rise, and it can multiply. Never underestimate its power.
it catalyzes our potential to live life to its absolute fullest — which is especially true when we experience pain around it
When we can appreciate Love for all its grandeur — the highs and the lows, and everything in between — we can give our all to others. And even if it’s not always reciprocated, we can trust that we were able to change someone’s perspective, even if just in the slightest.
I have dated plenty and loved none, and although I was much more scared of getting hurt before than I am now, showing kindness, care, and consideration for all those who didn’t reciprocate it the same way turned out to help my self-compassion, -confidence, and -esteem more than it hurt it. Here’s why:
1) I had to learn how to fill the void in my heart through myself and the already established (and cherished) relationships I had. What took me so long to realize was that just because the bartender wasn’t there, didn’t mean I was drinking (or living my life) from an empty glass. And,
2) I choose to believe that whether I left a mark in the heart of those I dated before, or if I was just someone they knew in passing, I’m being the change I wish to see in the world. Trying to show more care, giving chances to new people and experiences, and offering the benefit of the doubt are examples that I believe the world needs to see and normalize more. Those acts do rub off on someone along the way, and just because we don’t see it happening behind the scenes doesn’t mean we should stop. That alone is enough.
So even when showing less intense versions of love (acts of kindness, consideration, and empathy) has brought some heart-ache and pain, I know that it has taught me how to do better, be better, and love harder. And now that I’m in a relationship that actually does feel right, real, reciprocated, and undeniably…amazing?…I am confident in my abilities to give my all to it and the new journey he and I are embarking on. Call me cheesy, but trusting in the power of Love, no matter what happens, is enough for me to know that this adventure is going to be worth everything I put into it.
it has the power to heal us from the inside out
This is a two way streak because we have to let Love in (from others and ourselves) in order to experience it’s healing abilities. Practicing self-love has been the biggest game changer in how I view myself, my body, and my potential; however, it has also made it so much easier (and significantly sweeter) to let love in when I’m experiencing it through the acts and behaviors from others.
If I can’t believe myself when I say that I’m worthy of feeling sexy, receiving kindness, and being fully accepted for who I am right now, then how I can believe (and appreciate) my boyfriend, for example, when he tells me that I’m sexy, when he opens his heart to me and proves how accepted I am, and that I deserve to be treated with all the kindness he covers me with daily?!
When we love ourselves, we’re less resistant to letting in love from others; which only strengthens our hearts, encourages us to express love more often, and opens us up to receiving, accepting, and appreciating the love others want to give us.
Perhaps we have nothing to be afraid of when using the “L” word. Sure, it’s powerful, but it’s gentle, too. While I still might wait to use it, I can most confidently say that I finally know, in my heart, what all the different versions of Love feel like.
Dating can be fun, but if you’re in the game right now — and looking at it from the perspective I did — then you may be thinking that there’s something wrong with you if no one has “worked out” yet. Every passerby feels like they’re just confirmations that you’re unworthy of a special kind of love and will likely spend the rest of your life single. You may have accepted it, but I have a fun analogy that I think might put this into a nicer perspective, and put you into a higher spirit…
I like to think of ourselves in love and relationships like a garden. Maybe you’ve heard this before, but let’s dissect it a bit more.
We’re the gardeners, right? So we’re meant to tend to our peonies, orchids, and roses, and every other gorgeous flower that represents our highest selves (like, for example, our self-compassion, self-kindness, and self-trust), and to pull the weeds (of low self-esteem, self-doubt, shame, and toxicities of any kind).
You may have a picket fence protecting your garden, and you may not, so sometimes people can look (while you’re making it known they can’t touch), or you may only open the gates of the fence slowly and carefully. In any case, whenever you’re ready to show off this garden to the world and welcome some visitors (AKA: start dating), then as the sole protector of this garden, you have to be aware of what those visitors are doing, if they’re helping you water, or if they’re killing your soil.
Some visitors, you’ll find, meander around just to check out all the plants before deciding to walk out (oftentimes unannounced), or they might want to help you tend to your garden. Here’s where you have to be careful: I’d [optimistically] say that most of those visitors either
A) don’t always realize if they’re watering your precious flowers or if they’re watering the dreaded weeds, or
B) they only know how to water the weeds of their own garden so that’s how they’re watering yours…
In other words, I don’t think every visitor is out to completely rip your garden to shreds. But each one that came and didn’t fit in quite right probably showed you an area of your garden that needed more TLC; maybe they pointed out that the weeds you had growing were already out of control and needed tending to that they didn’t want to help with; Or they taught you that you needed to pay more attention and be more careful about who you let into your garden and who you give a watering can to in the first place.
But even after all the visitors that walked out with a lack of interest, or who watered the weeds and dried out the flowers, or those whose gardens you admired from afar while wishing they’d just notice yours, you have to believe that there will be someone who will see, and love, and help you nurture your garden healthily and joyfully. Together, you’ll find a way to combine efforts and make one huge picturesque, botanical beauty.
Through your experience with faithless visitors — you know, the ones came and went — I promise your intuition will simply know the helpful, the genuine, and the right visitor when they come. They’ll likely peak their head over the fence (if you have one) and ask with a big smile, “Hi, can I come in?”
They’ll walk forward humbly, slowly, but confidently. They’ll look over your flowers with a careful eye and will ask how they can be part of the process to help. They’ll be interested in how you’ve grown your garden, they’ll be gentle, respectful, and they’ll even volunteer to help you pull the dreaded weeds that everyone else before them had a problem with.
They’ll be diligent and adamant that they pull them by the root so those weeds don’t have a space to grow again. AND THEN they’ll replant new flowers that you didn’t know existed. Those will grow into breath-taking lotuses (and if you didn’t know about the lotus flower, it grows in muddy, murky conditions, yet when it blooms it’s unstained).
So that’s not to say this special visitor won’t make mistakes; it’s not to say that they won’t accidentally slip up from time to time, forgetting to help you water certain areas of your garden (they’ll also be tending to their own garden, don’t forget!), but they’ll go the extra mile to fix their mistakes. They’ll bring their unique skill set — that is, their patience, their empathy, their listening ear, their ability to communicate, and their love — and the “deadline” to when they stop won’t exist.
Because that’s what happens when people aren’t playing ding-dong-ditch at your garden entrance; that’s what happens when caring gardeners want to join forces with other thoughtful gardeners who plant and pull weeds intelligently, but who also have ideas that could benefit their craft.
All of this is to say, KEEP WATERING, NURTURING, AND COMPASSIONATELY TENDING TO YOUR GARDEN. Work on maintaining the nutritious seeds of patience, genuine kindness, and self-confidence into the foundation of your soil. Weeds may grow, but they won’t distract the right visitor, at least not early on. If they do, that visitor will have the heart to make sure those weeds disappear (they won’t poke and prod, water, and forget to pull them).
Remain hyper-vigilant of your garden. If anyone, and I mean anyone, brings on a sense that they’re questionable, then they are! Don’t take that lightly; your intuition is too powerful to not trust it.
As a final note, remember that not all visitors are meant to stay — that includes the quick passerby’s and the super helpful ones who we thought and wanted to stay. Just because one really great visitor leaves doesn’t mean that your garden will die; don’t let that happen. We will always, always be able to keep supporting the flowers they planted even when they’re gone.
As for anyone else, keep a close eye over how they treat your garden. Open the gate for those who want out, and kindly guide the confused ones to the exit. The more space you have for the right visitor, the better! And once they peek their head over your fence, or at least keep showing up to the entrance until you invite them in, they will do whatever it takes to stay.
So you’re at the park playing with the other running, totally unaware, and I’m-just-here-for-a-good-time children. Perhaps you remember an occasion when you pushed another kid down, or whacked them in the head, or told them that you didn’t want to play with them because they’re [something not nice]. More than likely you did it to a sibling because they were being annoying (and when siblings are annoying, they need to be put into their place).
Either way, someone ends up crying.
So, of course, some parents come running up to the scene, like the heroes they are, and try to mediate the situation.
“Say you’re sorry!” they say with a stern voice. While you’re thinking to yourself but I don’t wanna…
They repeat the demand with a more intense tone. You might know that tone as meaning you’re gonna get it in the park or at home, so choose wisely. You manage to muster a pitiful, eye-contact-avoiding kind of “sorry” from your lips, and supposedly the situation has now poofed into happy sparkles in the air. Everyone’s happy, right?
Wrong.
Classic and accurate.
But wait…let’s say you were the kid crying for the apology. You felt betrayed. You got hurt. You just wanted to play with and befriend the other child who did you dirty. You didn’t want to make the situation worse, you just wanted to feel validated, you wanted to feel as if you belonged, and you wanted some sort of permission to know that your feelings were okay and deserved to be acknowledged.
Moral of the story: we’ve been both the apologizer and the apologize-ee. We’ve hurt and we’ve been hurt, but the act of apologizing is not instinctual. We had to learn it. That’s why our internalized views on apologies, their effectiveness, and the role they play in relationships, is highly dependent on what we learned from guardians and teachers who shaped those views. For those of us who haven’t been given repentance from adults, elders, or other children when we needed it most, we more than likely have adopted the theory that apologizing equates to losing power, admitting a sense of inadequacy, or plain humiliation. Refusing to apologize may provide a feeling of empowerment and a greater sense of self-worth, but I’m going to let you in on a secret: that’s just your ego speaking.
We need to let go of the narrative that apologizing is what the “weaker” or “wrong” person does, and realize that apologizing is how we affirm our humanity. You and I know we’re not immune to making mistakes — that part is okay. What’s not okay is our lack of care, awareness, and compassion for others. What’s really not okay is letting our egos keep us from taking true responsibility for our mistakes.
Ways to Ruin An Apology
I get it, apologizing is a vulnerable act; however, it’s an essential first step toward healing, owning the damage that was caused, and making amends to rectify the situation; therefore, apologizing matters! As adults, no one (usually) is there to say, “hey, you did/said a shitty thing, now you need to go to that person and say you’re sorry.” More than likely, no is reminding you that it’s better to apologize for a wrongdoing than to pretend like you’re owning up to your poor behaviors by oversimplifying the situation.
Fake apologies or crummy ways of “taking responsibility” for a wrongdoing sounds like:
“Yeah, okay, you’re right…”
“I get it, I was wrong…I’d be mad, too…”
“It wasn’t like that…”
“I’m sorry, but you made me [xyz]…”
“I’m sorry YOU feel that way…”
“Okay sorry, but…”
“I’m sorry if I hurt you…”
“Alright alright alright, I’m SOR-RY.”
These are not apologies.
These responses portray a few things that could be going on:
The person is experiencing a lack of awareness and empathy (which is why they can’t see the fault in their actions or see any “purposeful reason” for granting an apology at all)
They are avoidant and fearful of being held guilty because the risk of such judgement will hurt their ego (which is seen in how they try to defend themselves, push blame on you for “making them” do whatever they did, and/or maintain a sense of perfection through their unwillingness to take responsibility for their actions)
They’re anxious — whether to stop feeling like the one in the wrong, to get out of an uncomfortable situation, or to avoid conflict — so they speed through a pitiful, emotionless, slap-a-band-aid-on-it kind of apology (usually masked under their sarcasm and quick jump to shut down the conversation)
If there’s anything I hope you take from this article, it’s this:
AN APOLOGY WITHOUT CHANGE
IS JUST MANIPULATION!
So if you’re the apologizer — remember that your apology is invalid without a change in behavior or action to amend the problem.
If you’re the apologize-ee — remember that an apology without changed behavior wasn’t an apology (I’ll write more about what you can do about this later in the article).
Granted you’re still reading this, I already know you’re old enough to make the choice to be mature about your actions. You’re old enough to know that when you make mistakes, you can always turn back around and say, “Hey, that wasn’t right of me. Excuses aside, I’m sorry I hurt you. This is what I’ll do to make it up to you…” And then do that! So here,
This Is How You Lend a Real Apology:
1. Actually mean it! If you’ve hurt another person, but can’t find it within yourself to apologize, you probably have very strongly held beliefs around apologizing as a shameful act. In that case, more self-reflection and unpacking of those beliefs is necessary (and goes beyond the scope of this post). Inauthentic apologies are meaningless without action, and unless you genuinely care about mending the hurt inflicted on someone else, you’ll only continue to manipulate a relationship you might not truly value. And in that case, you’re more than likely dragging that other person along while inducing false hopes that you will do better. Please don’t do this.
2. Acknowledge your fault & their feelings. This is undoubtedly the hardest part of an apology because we have to learn how to accept that the vulnerability required to execute a genuine apology is highly necessary and absolutely essential.
Naming what you did wrong without blaming or defending yourself is key. Of course, your experience may have saw and interpreted a totally different reality (for example, maybe you thought what you were doing wouldn’t be taken offensively), so I do think that sometimes telling your side of the story can help another person understand the situation from a different perspective; however, that is not a freebie. Your explanation is still an excuse and it cannot be seen as a permission slip to avoid an apology nor is it a ticket to automatic forgiveness.
Tips to remember:
Avoid the use of “if…” — this is not a matter of “if” you hurt another person. Saying things like, “I’m sorry if I offended you” or “Sorry if you took what I said offensively” are both examples of disregarding and denying your faults.
Avoid the use of “but…”— this is a form of justification and, just like saying “if,” it completely skips over that part where you fully acknowledge the pain you inflicted. Saying things like, “…but it wasn’t like that” or “…but you made me [xyz]” are two examples of contradicting an entire apology.
Avoid the use of “I guess…” — Saying something like, “I guess I should’ve [xyz]” or “I guess I’m sorry” are obviously weak terms. Apologize like you mean it, don’t just guess.
3. Don’t make the person YOU hurt feel bad for being hurt. This is a very real privilege that the wrongdoer has, and that is the fact that they don’t have to feel the pain they inflicted. Guilt is one thing, but saying things like, “I really don’t know why you took it that way,” or “Why would you get so offended by [xyz]?” are both examples of how to inflict more pain because they’re invalidating another person’s experience and feelings. Perhaps try saying something like, “I’m sorry, that was insensitive of me. I want you to know it won’t happen again.”
4. TAKE ACTION. The most important part to an apology is actually changing your behaviors from then on forward. That means being more attentive and mindful around your actions, your words, and the way you treat other people. This is not a chore that hangs like a cloud over your head, this is a highly valuable social skill. Being lazy and refusing to be more mindful about how you treat others is narcissistic and won’t get you too far in your relationships. Doing better — that is becoming a better version of yourself — as a friend, a parent, a sibling, a coworker, a son/daughter, and a stranger, is an essential part of living a true and meaningful human experience, is it not?
To sum it up, here’s a nice drawing from @introvertdoodles:
Learning How to Accept Apologies
I’m going to keep this section as short and sweet as possible.
Accept or appreciate – then be done. Accepting an apology means you know a person messed up but you value the relationship enough to forgive and pursue maintaining contact. Totally cool if that’s what you choose to do. Appreciating an apology means you accept the apology, but don’t want to pursue maintaining contact with the other person. Totally fair decision. So you have the choice to accept an apology or simply appreciate it, butto dig for more out of an already granted apology or to completely disregard and reject one’s vulnerability in giving you an apology is unnecessary.
I can understand that sometimes when we’re wronged by a person then we want revenge or, at the very least, to give the victimizer a “taste of their own medicine.” But at that point you’re pulling a second wrong to top their wrong…and what did we learn as kids? Two don’t make a right, that’s correct.
Let’s not forget to mention…I personally know people who belittle and annul other’s apologies (mine included) and from those personal experiences, not only does it naturally make me want to avoid apologizing ever again but it also further deepens the problematic situation. We can’t always expect apologies to lead to one problem-solving conclusion, but if it’s time you need to process the situation, then give that to yourself. If it’s self-forgiveness you need, then give yourself permission to work on that. But let’s be the bigger person.
Appreciation does not equal forgiveness. Just like an apology doesn’t always make everything all better, an apology doesn’t always equate to automatic forgiveness. If you’re not ready to forgive someone for their poor behaviors, that is okay. Moreover (revisiting #1 above), exploiting someone’s apology in search to extract “more” from the apology or from the apologizer is not productive to any situation. Not everything is forgivable so if that’s the case for you, then you can accept the apology by appreciating it was given, and moving on.
Forgiveness Without An Apology
So let’s say you’re waiting for an apology you might not receive. This can often feel like an excruciating waiting game…
But there’s two options you have here: instead of waiting for one (which usually gets you nowhere), you can communicate that you were, and are, still hurt by another person’s words or actions. The second option is that you can offer yourself closure, and move on.
Every situation is different, but usually an overdue apology could very much be the clot plugging the artery. In order for the relationship to get back into a comfortable flow, one might need their hurt feelings and anxieties to be recognized and put at ease, respectively. This is perfectly normal. And what’s more, treading these waters needn’t be a struggle! Sometimes people aren’t always thinking about how they might have hurt us, they may not recognize your discomfort, or they might be trying to avoid conflict and/or an uncomfortable conversation altogether by sweeping it under the rug until its all “forgotten.”
In any case, saying something like “Hey, I’m still uncomfortable by this situation, and I feel ‘x’ when you did/said ‘x.’” Just a heads up, the more calm and collected you approach a situation, the more likely a person will respond with less defensiveness, so make sure you’ve granted yourself enough processing time to accept that an apology may be delivered and it may not.
If a person refuses to apologize for pain they inflicted, you have two more options. After time has passed, you can ask yourself if the apology you wanted was really necessary to unplug the artery and keep things flowing. Sometimes it’s not, and that’s okay! There were plenty of times my brother had hit me, called me names, etc. (and vice versa), yet today we’re closer than ever. Sure, he’s family, but I can say the same thing about my best friend from childhood!
Oftentimes, however, these types of scenarios are what lead us to hold deeply subconscious grudges against people.. Ever heard about death by a hundred paper cuts? Yeah, this’ll do it. The paper cut is tiny, it seems minor, it seems like if you can just look past someone’s faults and keep flowing — even through a little crack in the clot of the artery. But that clot will keep slowing you down; it will keep blocking your ability to glide freely. And without properly set boundaries, this can often be a permission slip for people to keep acting up because now they’ve learned they can.
And here we are at the gate of: Know Your Gosh Darn Worth!!
Closure feels important, how else does one explain the inexplainable? We just want answers, and then we can move on! But someone’s inability to apologize and make sense of an injury caused is not your responsibility to adopt. Everyone’s experiences in life vary; what they know to be right could be vastly different from what you expect from the world. Their reality is just as valid as yours, but if your energies don’t align then they’re not for you — and this stands true for both intimate relationships, familial relationships, and friendships.
I know, it’s easier said than done. It’s so easy to read Sab’s article telling you to know your worth, but I promise you that getting an apology from someone who didn’t (or doesn’t) want to give it to you will not leave you feeling any better than you do now. The only closure you can continue to give yourself is the affirmation that you are okay, you are safe, and the light shining over your life is not dimmed without them.
Giving yourself closure is a practice. Knowing your worth in a world that is pushing you to internalize false subliminal messages about yourself is a practice.
Moving forward without an apology is a practice.
Please give yourself grace.
To all my peeps who might be finding it hard to apologize right now, this is for you. ♥
I can’t finish this post without showing a little remorse for the apologizer, too. While I will encourage and fight for more people to start learning how to apologize and actually engage in genuine apologies, they can be really difficult and leave people feeling extremely vulnerable. The higher the intensity of the fault, the harder the apology can feel, but don’t let “hard” be the reason you don’t connect with the true human experience. We all do wrong, and we all have been wronged — neither side feels good. But you do have the power to release yourself from the constraints of guilt, whether you’ll be forgiven or not. And even if that forgiveness doesn’t come, you can move forward knowing that you will do better, and be a better version of yourself, tomorrow.
And for my apologize-ee: Let’s set our boundaries a little better, bring our standards a little higher, and offer ourselves more self-assurance by finding self-compassion in our pain, giving ourselves permission to feel it, and know that, despite the pain we will inevitably endure, we are, and always will be, whole.
Talking about our “highest” self isn’t a discussion brought up too often — unless we’re in a dispensary…
buh-dum-tsss.
So who is our “Highest Self?” What does it mean?
Our highest self is our deepest intuition. It’s the part of us that works from insight, excites inspiration, and guides us with intention — so long as we choose to listen and remain in connection with it.
Other terms for it are our “value-guided self,” our “wisest self,” our “inner self,” and even “our gut instinct” — and I will be exchanging these terms as I continue this post so do not be confused; they all refer to the same deeper part of our conscious.
In any case, the name is meant to emphasize that our thoughts and consciousness run deeper than what is presented on the surface. That’s because we don’t see someone’s deepest or wisest self through their race, ethnicity, status, or trendy, flashy things. We only see it based on the example they set and how they treat both others and themselves. Our highest self is our own individual guiding principle that leads us toward what we value most, and that’s cultivated through lots of self-reflection and action.
With the amount of distractions, temptations, and loud noise we experience on a daily basis from family, friends, professors, media, society, cultural beliefs, religious values, and even our own combative thoughts, it requires quite some energy to deflect all the clamor and dig deeper into what we believe, what change we want to see in the world, and what it will take from us to go after, or become, that.
Building A Connection with Your Highest Self
Introspection is built just like a muscle. The more we use it, the stronger it gets.
We have to remind ourselves to be still, to listen, and to practice blocking out the distractions when we are listening to our value-guided self. Some examples of what this may look like are:
following through with what you said you’d do for someone — even when it turns out to be an inconvenience
following through with what you said you’d do for yourself — even when it turns out to be an inconvenience
not playing by dating game rules everyone seems to encourage because you know deep down you’d rather find a love more mature and genuine than that
telling your boss you’re too swamped on other projects to take on a new one (#boundaries)
granting yourself a weekend of space and the true rest and recovery you need instead of going out with friends or filling your schedule with things you feel you “have” to do
scheduling a time away from work, school, or other obligations just to go out with friends and have fun
partaking in the activities you love to do, or want to try, regardless if you’re good at them or not
fighting and being an advocate for movements you’re passionate about
standing up for what you believe in, for yourself, and for others in the face of affliction
The more we listen to our value-guided / highest- / wisest- self and go forth with intention, we’ll notice the reward from our practice.
Just think back to the first time you started your current favorite hobby. Perhaps you felt uncoordinated, a little disjointed, and maybe even a little embarrassed about your ignorance around the activity. When I first started bodybuilding the exercise I loathed, but knew I needed to do, were pull-ups. I had to remind and push myself to do them at least every other day because as hard as they were, I knew I wanted to get better at them so they could strengthen my other lifts.
There were days I skipped them completely because I listened to the noise in my head saying they’re too hard…you’re tired today…you’re probably not even going to get 1½…just do them next time. However, the more I blocked out that noise, that is the more diligent I was with keeping up my practice, the stronger I felt myself becoming. Eventually, I felt that strength begin to seep into my other lifts; it improved my posture, and let’s be real, I felt like a bad ass. Eventually I came to love Back-and-Bis Day.
Watching how our confidence and self-trust evolves (through the act of making value-guided decisions and going after what we truly desire to see, and be, in this life) is apowerfulfeeling.Smaller acts of meditation, reflection, and action add up to bigger acts of kindness and confidence, and eventually we come to enjoy the process and develop a gratitude for the situations we’re put in. We begin to trust ourselves and our ability to handle them, more and more.
However, it should be mentioned that this doesn’t mean we can reach a “rite of passage,” so to speak, that automatically grants us an easy-peasy life. To consistently improve, we must consistently practice.
When Your Highest Self Leads You Toward Consequence
**These two statements are incredibly important to remember, so please do not skim over this.**
***
1. We only know what we know when we know it.
Slow down. Read that again: we only know…what we know…when we know it.
2. We cannot know what we don’t know until we know it.
Alright. One more time: we cannot know…what we don’t know…until we know it.
***
Just because we listen to our value-guided self doesn’t mean we will know the outcome of a situation. And it certainly doesn’t mean we will always be right! That’s because our value-guided self can only lead us toward what we currently know and believe is the best decision.
The hardest part of listening to our highest self is not, in fact, the process of listening and going after something; the hardest part is overcoming the fear that somewhere in that process we could be wrong; it’s overcoming the fear that we could be disturbing the peace and very well be making others uncomfortable.
In first grade, there was a boy who consistently teased and picked on me and although I picked back, he almost always got away with it. One day during group time, he mouthed the words “fuck you” to me (I couldn’t make this up if I wanted to). I quickly interrupted the session and yelled out, “[he] just said the f-word to me!!” And unfortunately, we both got detention. Yeup, my first detention ever because I decided I would tolerate that boy’s meanness no longer!
Silly as it seems, there is something to be said about the fact that telling my teacher about him is what I knew, in that moment, would grant me the justice I deserved. Sure, in the end, as a consequence we both received detention, but I learned that next time I’d make sure to wait until after group time to seek justice.
The issues I faced as a seven year old seem minor to my now 23 year old self, but the practice of refining what my wisest self knows is a demonstration that remains the same. When there are consequences to our value-guided behavior, we can trust that our wisest self will always lead us toward what we believe to be right and we will survive through, learn about, and take educational advantage of our mistakes.
And if others become uncomfortable, let them stay that way. Our discomfort is an opportunity to explore our biases, our fears, and our insecurities. Our discomfort is our own responsibility, not someone else’s. Therefore, in pursuing what your wisest, highest self is leading you toward, bare in mind that ensuring everyone else is comfortable is not, and will never be, part of your journey.
Measuring Your Success
So many of us base success on the outcome of a situation. Whether that be on someone’s response (or lack thereof), people’s reactions, if a proposal goes through, if we get the job, or get accepted into a program — the list is endless.
But what if we determined success on our ability to show up in a value-guided way.
The goal is to be clear about our values and be intentional about how we live up to them – for ourselves, for our relationships, for strangers, and especially for those we may not agree with. We needn’t be perfect in our pursuits; we simply need to do the best we can. And if that turns out flawed, we pursue the next right thing.
Lisa Laughman, a social worker from Michigan State University, said it perfectly in her recent webinar:
“I get to navigate my mistakes whole heartedly and in a value-guided way. And then I get to like myself better over time [while] holding way less emotional baggage.”
– Essential Skills for Navigating Difficult Times (Session: 6/6) –
Notice the verbiage: we get to navigate our mistakes. We needn’t see it as a burden, but rather an advantage, a gift. And that’s a powerful way to look at our shortcomings because what we do holds just as much importance as the language we use around it.
^^^
Holding Space for others & Their Highest Selves
During difficult moments when someone is honoring their emotions in your presence, they are placing a sacred trust in you by sharing that experience with you. The most important thing for any one of us to do when that person is uncomfortable, hurting, and confused are the following three things:
1. Remove any judgement
This is not a proper time nor is it your place to offer personal opinions. However strongly you feel about a situation, put it on hold for a while. Simply be there with that person; remain present.
Suspend any comments that resemble things like,
– See, I told you this would happen… – I wish you would have listened to me… – There’s nothing you can do about it now so it makes no sense to cry…
– Please don’t be upset…
– Look at the bright side; things could be so much worse…
– Well at least you — …
2. Don’t fix, do validate
When holding space for another person, our main job is to listen. It’s super important we demonstrate that we care about how that person is feeling. We don’t need to be the problem solver, the fixer, the I’ll-Make-Everything-All-Better man; we just need to identify how a person is feeling and attempt to empathize with it.
Appropriate comments sound more like,
– What you’re going through is really hard… – I can only imagine how painful this must be for you… – So what I’m hearing you say is ___…am I hearing that right? – I might not know what’s the best thing to say, but know that I am here for you…
3. Understand the situation through their lens, not yours.
An incredibly profound quote from Allyson Dinneen says, “Wanting people to feel better isn’t helpful if it is our idea of ‘better’ and not theirs.”
Holding space for another person is not a means of fixing, judging, or evaluating what you think the outcome should look like. Empathy is a means of attempting to understand an experience through their eyes, and throughtheir eyes only. This means we need to be asking more questions than we are making statements.
How you would’ve attempted to handle the situation does not help, it does not validate, and it certainly does not make someone in a vulnerable state feel better.
Questions you can ask that might propel some self-reflection without offering answers or refuting their feelings sound like,
– Who established the rule you’re having around how you’re feeling?
– What would you like to do about this?
– What is the next best thing you can do for yourself now?
– I’m proud of you…will you call me to let me know how it went?
I wanted to write this post without bias toward any specific relationship to religion, witchcraft, or zodiac signs, but it’s worth mentioning that tapping into our highest self is a lifelong practice and study that even monks and spiritual gurus today have a hard time describing. Meditation and quietness is encouraged so much across so many spiritual practices because we cannot get through difficult times when our thoughts and emotions are stuck in the obnoxiously dark and discouraging stores of our mind.
We must remember that while our practice is individual and unique, we are and always will be support systems for one another. Our power to help others and ourselves lies solely within our ability to be present, to encourage without judgement or attitudes of superiority, and to remind each other that no matter what, we can be reliable foundations of love, calmness, and acceptance whenever the going gets tough.
If we can hold this kind of safe space for ourselves, we can do that for others; and in doing so for others, we strengthen and improve our ability to do it for ourselves. It’s a cycle.
Building a connection to your inner gut instinct is a skill, and it’s a contagious one at that. By listening, you bestow a gift of trust to yourself, and you bestow a gift of permission for others to give to themselves. And I’ll say, witnessing the reward that comes from doing so, especially when we use it to navigate difficult situations, is a pretty happy experience, indeed.
In my 23 years of life, I can honestly say I’ve held quite a few diverse jobs. From working in retail, to medical, to administration, to food and beverage, to campus-life, to consulting, and finally, now, to mental health, I’ve been around…in a good way.
However, one thing I can easily tell you is that being an Au Pair was one of the coolest, most exciting, and fulfilling experiences I couldn’t have received anywhere else.
What’s an Au Pair?
If you’re not sure, Google defines it as:
“a young foreign person, typically a woman, who helps with housework or child care in exchange for room and board.”
It’s an accurate description, but if I had to edit it, I just might add:
“…as well as helps teach his/her native language.”
In most countries, English is a highly common language that many people are learning and/or want their children to grow-up learning. From what I’ve gathered, in Spain especially.
While the Au Pair life seems incredible for all the right reasons — living in a new country, having a safe place to stay and a family who can help you gather their culture, feed you, and offer a small stipend of money to get you by — it cannot quash the fact that Au Pairing is a big responsibility. Just as with any job, things can go wrong, stress from novelty and miscommunication can definitely occur; however, those factors are exactly what makes this experience so worth while.
One may go into the journey with the mindset of a teaching nanny, but if gone about correctly, they come out humbly reminded that they are still just as much a life-long learning student as their kiddos are.
It’s quite a beautiful thing, but let me help you prepare a little bit before you embark on your journey…
Qualities of an Au Pair:
Please do not read this as a comprehensive list describing what an Au Pair needs to have prior to take-off — nor is it finished. Some of these qualities can be polished, built upon, or developed through one’s experience. But, of course, they’re still important to mention so that when I go into details later, one can connect the dots as to how these qualities may appear and are put to the test within the experience..
Open-minded: people live differently, think differently, and raise kids differently; being understanding and accepting of this is number one.
Communicative: living in a new home, a new country, in a new culture, and with new people absolutely requires a TON of communication and a setting of boundaries. The key is to NEVER assume, no matter how uncomfortable a situation feels, stay in communication. This is perhaps the most crucial piece to the puzzle.
Patient: as stated above, the newness of your surroundings and living situation will take time getting used to; not to mention, children absolutely require patience because ultimately you are living in their home. Making them feel comfortable with your presence will be your first piece of homework.
Friendly: I feel like this is common sense…
Respectful: this is typically a standard for any new job and should be set reciprocally, but it’s especially important on your end to remember as you will be living with the family who is providing a roof and food to you.
Empathetic: the best thing we can do for ourselves and others to understand them and their decisions is to really try seeing behind their eyes, even if we don’t always agree with them.
Adaptable: This is another good quality to have just in all areas of life. Everything changes — it’s not the Universe’s job to work around us. The sooner we realize this, the easier things become.
Creative: You will be working with children! The more creative you can get, the better — but if you don’t see yourself as a very creative person, don’t worry! Working with children will expand your horizons…
Enthusiastic: This is a big hit for all parties. No one likes someone who is never excited! You’re in a new country; get pumped to see and enjoy as much as you possibly can!
Energetic: Again, you’ll be working with children after all!
Proactive: Sometimes the last thing kiddos need is more discipline — they probably get enough of that from their parents/teachers. Yes, boundaries are important, but as an Au Pair it’s your job to adjust to your kiddos and meet them where they’re at. Figure out ways you can engage them, build trust with them, and show them that you want to have fun just as much as they do!
Sociable: when you’re not with the kids, you’ll want to have a social life of your own! Learning how to step outside of your comfort zone, meet new people, and build your own community while away from home is absolute key to making the most of your experience abroad.
Now that you have a little snippet of the qualities that can positively influence your Au Pair experience in mind, let’s get into some of the nitty gritty stuff…
What they don’t tell you about the Au Pair life…
This may or may not seem like I’m going back and forth, so just bare with me here. Without a doubt, doing a lot of research will help prepare you for plenty of situations while Au Pairing, but there will always be ones out of our control that occur along the ride. Don’t be afraid of this! I promise, it truly is part of the beauty, lessons, and fulfillment you will gain from the experience.
If you’ve accepted this, that’s fantastic! I don’t let your excitement deter you, though, from thinking a little deeper about important considerations before you go. So here’s a few things to ponder a bit more before you go.
The Exchange!
> Family
How well do you know the family you paired with? How well do they know you? How well do they communicate their expectations? What kind of arrangements or accommodations are they willing to make for you? Where will you be sleeping? How willing are they to help you find language classes or work around your schedule if you want to travel for a weekend, volunteer, or even hold another small job on the side?
What kind of area does the family live in? Do they know about any medical/health issues you might have? Are they willing to work with you around them? How does the family eat? Are you comfortable adopting their diet? (FYI: These are allllll part of the accommodations you can talk to them about and come to agreements upon!)
Being as communicative, transparent, and honest as possible is KEY to finding the right family for you. I know you’re excited, but TAKE YOUR TIME WITH THIS PROCESS. You will thank yourself later, and the family will thank you, too.
The best, most accurate depiction of my host family and I, in a nut shell…
> Location
What country will you be visiting? What’s the language? What does the political and economical situation look like? Will you be safe?
What are some cultural differences you can research and understand better before your departure? What’s the time difference? Will it be hard too hard to communicate with friends/family back home if you have opposite schedules? What’s are some common dishes in the cuisine? What are some landmarks you’d be excited to see when you arrive?
These are all factors to consider. You’re moving in with a new family — it should be in a place you’re happy, feel safe, and are excited about.
> Job Requirements
How old are the children? How many children will you be responsible for? What household duties might the family include in your job description? Are you comfortable with that?
How much will you be paid? Being an Au Pair is notabout the money, but make sure you’re aware of the currency and how much that money will buy you in your week-to-week affairs.
What will your daily schedule look like? Are you okay with this? Like seriously, if you had this schedule right now at home, would you be okay with it? What expectations do the family have for you?
It might not seem that serious, but one huge piece of advice I can give to you is to put everything in writing and signing it. If you’re an American going to Europe for longer than three months then this will already be a big requirement needed in your Visa (see below). But if not, it’s still beneficial to have an agreement made in writing so that both parties understand where the boundaries lie and there’s as little miscommunication as possible.
Although this is exciting because you’re living in another country, remember it is going to be a new living situation for you, so make sure you’re as comfortable with where you’re going, what’s expected of you, and who you’ll be living with as much as possible.
>Visas
If you only have an American passport, you’re granted 90 days to travel through the Schengen Territory (which is comprised of 26 European countries with mutually controlled boards that allow for people to move and travel freely). You can look at that list, along with other information, here.
The process of obtaining a Visa, specifically an Au-Pair Visa (which basically falls under the same requirements as a Student Visa) are relatively long, so make sure you plan a decent length in advance. Travel insurance, proof of enrollment into a language school, and the contract are among some of the requirements so you will need time to prepare these for your interview with the consulate of your choice country.
My personal recommendation is to look into scheduling your Visa appointment 6-8 weeks prior to your tentative departure date. *I emphasize tentative because it’s best to wait on buying your actual plane ticket until you get your Visa.*
Be sure to maintain constant communication with your family about this. Some families might only agree to have you as their Au Pair if you can stay for their entire requested duration. Sometimes families are flexible. In my experience, I was meant to stay with my host-family for four months, however, when my Visa got declined, I was fortunate enough that they still accepted me to stay with them for 2.5 months instead.
Personals!
> Emotional Stability & Escaping Issues from Home
When I went into my Au Pair experience, I was hopeful, optimistic, and beyond ready for change, but before my decision to finally say Sayonara!, I was struggling through a darker period of my life. While I was very grateful for having already instilled some healthy mindset practices to grant me the confidence to handle whatever happened, that couldn’t (and didn’t) remove the pre-existing issues I still had yet to heal from or my high level of anxiety.
Traveling will never ask you to be perfectly okay before stepping on a plane, but problems are not automatically left in the country you’re leaving.
Traveling is almost near synonymous with “stressful,” but it’s a different kind of stress. It’s the kind of stress that’s silly, exhausting, and provides you a different sense of self-worth. Sometimes it’s the kind of stress that’s short-lived and other times it’s the kind that will continue to test your patience. In either case, there’s a somewhat magical morphing process that shifts your old problems into something like mustard seeds. So even though the protagonist of your issues might seem to be left behind, the underlying antagonist within you still remains left to be conquered.
I’ll give you a simple example: One of the many triggers that heightened my anxiety were the fights I got into with my Dad. The protagonist was my Dad, but the actual target for those triggers (the antagonist) was my sensitivity to feeling small and incompetent. Just because I was going to be away from my Dad didn’t mean that I wasn’t going to experience smallness and incompetence in other situations.
See, traveling doesn’t eliminate your problems, it serves them to you on a different platter. And sometimes on that platter, you discover new approaches, gain a revamped perspective to solve those problems, and you might find yourself practicing a patience you didn’t know you had.
Other things to consider is that you will be navigating the stresses of figuring out a new city, finding a new community to surround yourself with, adapting to a new family-dynamic and lifestyle, maneuvering a different culture, and more. Please give yourself grace for this when you start your roll. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it! You’ll see!
To sum it up, I think remaining mindful of your mental health status is extremely important when planning, but if you’re questioning yourself it will be beneficial to see a mental health professional or doctor first.
> Financials Prior to Take Off
Au Pairing is not necessarily a huge money-making endeavor. You will not go home rich with green stacks, but you will go home richer with stories, experiences, memories, friends, and hopefully, family-like members that will welcome you back with open arms.
The amount of money you make should be enough to get you by (enough for extra spending) since your room and board are covered; however, the money you take with you should be within the means of covering potential emergencies, other weekend excursions, or pricier Bucket List items you might have in mind (like making reservations to a Michelin Star restaurant or getting a tattoo).
Of course, we cannot all prepare for everything. I know a student who went to study abroad for a year and only had $2,000 to hold him over for that entire time. He still thrived. I read an article some years back about a girl who moved to Australia with only $800. She, too, thrived. It’s smart to be a little prepared, but anything is possible.
> Having Other Side Hussles
Let’s say you want to volunteer, or you find a position at a local coffee shop, or you’re a Blogger/Podcaster/YouTuber and plan to bring that side-hussle to your destination. They’re all incredibly awesome gigs to keep up abroad and it’s totally possible to do so!
Just make sure that your host family is aware of your plans and are flexible about them. Remember: you’re there to be an Au Pair first, and other involvements come second. If you can schedule volunteer/work/other hours outside of your Au Pair duties successfully, then you, my friend, are golden!
> Family & Friends Back Home
Your family and friends are obviously going to be interested, excited, and worried about your whereabouts, but they’re also living their own lives and not always going to be able to relate; therefore, I have contradictory views to share on this.
In my experience, I have both traveled for a period of time and was in constant communication with my Mom (so much so, I wasn’t really dealing with situations or making decisions on my own — which later only worried her more because she was on the other side of the world when I was “alone” and freaking out), while I have also traveled for a period of time and mainly communicated with friends and family to let them know I was okay (which sometimes made me feel alone because they weren’t reaching out first).
I think with more experience, we find our happy medium within the system. I would confidently argue that you can find independence in fending on your own AND you can find that you miss and appreciate certain people more than you intended to. Whatever it is, don’t be afraid to act on it. It’s okay to distance yourself, but it’s also okay to reach out more and bask in the love that people express toward you when you’re gone.
However, I cannot forget to mention: Please don’t be surprised or hurt when people back at home can’t relate or don’t seem as excited for you as you’d hoped they’d be. Likewise, sometimes newfound perspectives and opinions make it harder to hear what’s going on at home without judging. The first step in this situation is awareness; remembering that YOU are out doing something different with your life, so just because YOU feel like a changed person doesn’t mean people at home do, too. Try to grant them that much respect (I had to learn this the hard way…).
BUT, that’s all the more reason to find and nurture the relationships cultivated along your travels!
♥
Little Reminders Before the Trip…
If you plan to Au Pair longer than 90 days, look into the Visa application process, what state the appropriate Consulate is located in, and what documents you will need to prepare prior to interviewing. Also, don’t wait to make the appointment! I did that and it screwed me over. If you have to cancel it, so be it, but those slots fill up really fast, so reserve yours ASAP!
Download WhatsApp, if you haven’t already, and encourage family and friends to utilize it to talk to you while you’re away. It’s widely used across many continents and makes cross-platform messaging/calling/video-chatting/sharing locations/etc. sooo much easier than your typical SMS or iMessaging.
Look into your phone carrier”s international data plans. Plan ahead for this because you don’t want to be surprised with a HELLA big bill upon return, but buying SIM cards abroad is an option, too! I had an international texts/calls included in my plan, so if you need more information you can check out this link.
To find a family, I used AuPairWorld & found it extremely user friendly, safe, and easy to navigate.
Once you find a family, talk to them as often as possible in your prep before take-off. It will make meeting a lot less awkward because the illusion of consistent communication can make transitions feel easier — Facetime/Skype is really good for this!!
When we’re excited about something, we tend to mindlessly agree to all the things, forgetting our specific needs and convincing ourselves we’ll be fine. I’m a huge advocate of crossing the bridge once we get there, but I will still encourage you to SLOW DOWN and think before making any rash decisions.
Prepare for some things, but don’t try to prepare for everything. More than likely, you will drive yourself up a wall and talk yourself out of it. There are plenty of other Au Pairs who have made it happen, so can you!
Little Reminders During the Trip…
Don’t be afraid of culture shock. It will make you feel incredibly vulnerable, but don’t fight the feelings. Let them come, work through them, and remember that once you’re more accustomed to the changes, you’ll feel humbled, expanded, and grateful for the experience.
You might have off days or feel extra homesick, but use that as an opportunity to communicate on a deeper level with your host-family. In these moments, we’re subconsciously longing for connection, but just like you want to be a good guest, they want to be good hosts. So comforting you in times of need will give them a sense of importance; your vulnerability will help build that trust and connection between the two of you; And ultimately, it will help make your stay much smoother.
Go out and explore!!! Engage with the locals, try something new that you never would have thought to do at home. Squeeze out allllllll the juice from the fruits of travel!
Enjoy the less-enjoyable moments, don’t fight them. First of all, they will pass. No moment is “bad” because everything can be turned into a an opportunity to learn and grow. These are valuable pieces of the human experience we all can benefit from appreciating sooo, tough love here: swallow your pride and ask yourself what you can learn from your and the family’s mistakes. What could you have done differently? How can you improve your own mindset, behaviors, and reactions?
Say yes to all foods. ‘Nough said.
Keep a journal!!! This is probably my favorite and most important statement in this entire article. I can guarantee you, so much gets lost in our memory, and I can’t tell you how cool it is to look back on old journals and think, “omg I completely forgot about that!” It makes reminiscing that much more fun.
Write as much of everything down as you possibly can — you’ll be so happy you did.
If I missed something or you have specific questions, please don’t hesitate to comment or message me privately! I’ll be so happy to help!
Enjoy your travels, and good luck in your pursuits! 🙂
XOXO, Sab ღ 