A Challenge to Test & Stretch Your Mental Health

The following is an article I wrote for my private practice’s website late Fall of 2022. I had practiced a handful of ice-bath experiences, but I didn’t actually understand the effects it can have on the mind and body when done consistently. While much of the literature on ice baths talk about recovery for athletes, the conversion of certain types of adipose tissue for weight loss, effects on metabolism, etc., I wanted to sink deeper into the mental health side of things. There’s a reason why the body of anecdotal evidence is sky-rocketing across the web, claiming ice-baths effects on anxiety, mental clarity, energy levels (and more) as remarkable — and I love it! While I can’t declare that I’m as consistent with my ice-baths as Wim Hof or his students, I can still vouch for the validity of this practice.

I hope you find this helpful. Please let me know if you give an ice-bath, cold shower, or even a hand/foot dip into a cold bucket of water a try! I’d love to know what your experience was like!

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If you’re reading this, I’m guessing you like the idea of a challenge, which means you’re already off to a great start! Fair warning: this challenge might take some persuasion; however, you’ll be proud you gave it go, and I think the effects and benefits you’ll experience from it will be worthwhile.

So what’s the big deal about this challenge, you ask? Well, it has to do with getting cold. In fact, it’s called cold therapy. Some people call it cold exposure, cold immersion, or cold hydrotherapy. Cryotherapy is another name, but refers to a different process which will not be discussed in depth in this article. What will be the main focus here is how this thing called “cold therapy” boosts your mental health specifically (although the physical benefits are incredible, too!), different ways you can expose yourself to the cold, and the safer conditions to do so as a beginner.

Without further introduction, here’s why you should try the cold therapy challenge!

1. Increase in Stress Tolerance
You’ll often hear entrepreneurs, motivational speakers, and various leaders saying growth is a result of stepping out of your comfort zone, or getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. Many of us health professionals say the same mindset is necessary when starting new healthy habits, like exercising, eating healthily, or going to counseling. Cold exposure undoubtedly puts your body in a stressful environment, but going through tough situations results in a higher tolerance to stress. In the mental health world, this is similar to a component of Dialectic Behavioral Therapy (DBT) which is aimed at building mental resilience, coping with pain, managing emotions, and building confidence (among other things). Cold exposure is great training for the mind because it helps work on those same goals. By building your stress tolerance, mental flexibility, and resilience through cold therapy, you’ll notice those benefits following you into other areas of your life.

2. Increase in Energy, Mental Clarity, and Focus
Self-directed cold exposure causes a significant release of epinephrine (adrenaline) and norepinephrine in the brain and body. These neurochemicals are what make us feel alert and attentive. Norepinephrine, specifically, also helps decrease inflammation in the brain and body to strengthen our neuroplasticity. I’ll spare you the science behind this, but the term neuroplasticity is a fundamental piece of learning and improving memory. Who doesn’t want a better memory, more energy, and focus in their life?

3. Increase in Mood
Cold water is not the cure for any mental health condition, but it was found that cold exposure can relieve depressive symptoms. One thought is that cold therapy helps reduce inflammation, which is a known mechanism of depression. Another thought is that when we take a dip into or take a walk through some means of coldness, our sympathetic nervous system is triggered to release hormones like norepinephrine and dopamine (both of which are in the family of feel-good chemicals), and they end up leaving us feeling more “up” and “awake.” Low norepinephrine activity is linked to several conditions, a couple of which are major depressive disorder, other mood disorders, and attention deficit disorders. While there’s still a great need for more research to be done specifically on how cold therapy can address mental health concerns, there is no doubt that the release of chemicals like norepinephrine and
dopamine improve our mood by enhancing our sense of well-being, pleasure, and goal- directed behaviors. I know what you’re thinking. Getting into cold water sounds completely absurd, but it’s actually, in turn, going to help me feel better and potentially happier? YES! It’s a wild paradox that’s hard to explain, but don’t knock it until you try it!

4. Boost in Quality of Sleep
There are a few theories as to why cold therapy can help improve sleep. First, body temperature plays a huge role in our sleep quality. Typically, when we’re drifting off, our body experiences a decrease in temperature and just before we wake up (as well as throughout the day) our body temperature rises. Cold showers and ice baths, over the long haul, help to regulate our internal temperature making this internal rhythm more consistent and efficient. Another theory is that cold showers are shown to reduce blood pressure, heart rate, and muscle tension – all of which, in turn, increase relaxation. Finding ways to relieve tension and stress almost always helps boost sleep quality!

5. Breathing through Tough Circumstances
So often we hear about yoga and meditation as the popular pioneers in the movement toward living healthier, physically and emotionally, because of their focus on breathing and controlling one’s breath. It builds mindfulness and connection between brain and body, and when practiced long enough, it carries into other areas of one’s life. Hard circumstances require that we return to our breath because it’s what keeps us calm and stable minded. Wim Hof, or “the Iceman” is an expert in the cold therapy world, and his methods are a great resource for beginners.

Methods of Exposure
1. Ice baths
2. Cold showers
3. Cryotherapy (Liquid Nitrogen Exposure)
4. Cold Weather Exposure
5. Face, Hands, and/or Feet Dip

Safety Tips

1. Start the cold water immersion on the “warmer” end.
2. The colder the stimulus, the shorter amount of time you need to expose yourself to the cold. Some people can go into cool waters (60°F) for a longer period of time (30-60 minutes), and some people like being in very cold waters (~40°F) for a shorter period time (20-60 seconds). Experiment slowly and find your happy medium, and then challenge yourself to either stay in longer.
3. Keep the timing of exposure brief (1-2 minutes) to start. You can work on prolonging your exposure to the cold, and dipping into colder temperatures, over time.
4. Never get into a dangerous body of water, especially unsupervised.
5. Do it with a buddy!
6. Don’t warm yourself up too quickly after a plunge.
7. Remember that everyone hates it when they start, but sooner or later they come to love it.

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Side Notes From Sabrina:
Taking Cold Lessons Outside of the Ice Bath

I’ll be honest with you – I’m not a die hard fan of ice-baths…especially during Michigan winters where it’s cold enough cracking a window. However, the times that I knew I had too much on my mind and needed to hush it up, taking an ice-bath, especially with my partner, helped me in few different ways. The lessons I’ve learned thus far from my limited ice-bathing experiences are worth sharing because the effects go far beyond the walls of the ice bath itself.

1. Focusing on my breath. At the end of the day, it is our breath that will help us harness the calm during a bad storm so we can make better decisions. The whole point of putting ourselves in this extremely uncomfortable position is so that we can simulate a practice around learning how to breath through tough circumstances, through stress…and later, through conflicts with loved ones, through tough days at work, etc. I’ll save the science for another day, but BREATHING IS NUMBER 1. It always will be.
   
   
2. Surrendering allows for presence. Upon first contact with the water, the body wants wants nothing but out – and rightfully so! It will respond in all the instinctual ways it knows because ultimately, it is being placed in shock.
   
   Yet, after the handfuls of times I’ve done it, I’ve noticed something weird start happening sooner and sooner into the practice. There’s a point, once you’ve harnessed better control over your breath, that you begin to notice your body surrendering to the cold. It is a strange and unexplainable feeling, but somehow there’s a sense of calm that soars through the veins. Yes, of course, it’s still cold! And yet, allowing our bodies to simply endure that cold, to be present with it (because there really is nothing else to do in an ice-bath), cultivates a space of peace. I can only be right here, right now, in the moment, in the cold, and in this discomfort for X more minutes/seconds.
   
   For me, this is a metaphor. If we can surrender to the things that are out of our control (AKA: MANY things), we can remain present and find peace within that stress. I’m still untangling the knots from this statement, but I stand with its truth, even though I don’t really know another way to describe it right now. If you’re wondering if this ties in with the “stress tolerance” piece from the article, you’d be right.
   
   
3. Listening to, without judging, my body. Your mind might say, “let’s f*cking goooooo!!!!” to this ice-bath thing, and as soon as you dive in, you can’t find the surrender to presence, calm, and peace. You’re shivering uncontrollably, or perhaps something doesn’t feel right and your body is more tense, or you can’t find control over your breath even a minute in. There are times when your body cannot do it, and it will signal to you when today is not the day.
   
   LISTEN to it.
   
   You don’t need to like it, but you do need to respect it. Judging it, on the other hand, is a choice. We often use the words “shouldn’t have,” “should have,” or “supposed to,” to describe a standard we had over ourselves or someone else. When placed specifically on the self, this contributes to unnecessary (and unhealthy) feelings of guilt, shame, frustration, regret, discouragement, or hopelessness. Our goal is to NOT do that.
   
   Ice baths are to build self-trust. It is a practice of replacing judgments with mindfulness. It is a way for us to be more curious and observant of our bodies, the relationship we have with them, and to be able to listen to the ways in which it is protecting us — and no, that does not include the ego.

I hope to have more observations as time goes on, but I hope you enjoyed reading! If you do consider giving this a try yourself, again, I would love to know!

Keep in touch,

XOXO,
Sab<3

Trauma is a big word.

I think many of us, myself included, have associated trauma with war, violent attacks, abuse, sexual assault, or near-death experiences at one point or another, but the reality is that the range varies widely. Many less obvious experiences can be just as seriously disruptive to our lives and deserve, if not just as much as, then close to the same amount of, attention.

Now when I say “deserves attention,” I don’t mean that those experiences should be re-lived in detail as a means to “process” or overcome it. In fact, many therapists and trauma researchers discourage that ideology because of what we know now, which is that: remembering traumatic events can cause more harm than benefit. On the flipside, what is encouraged is noticing triggers and how they manifest in the body.

Maybe after experiencing an ugly break-up, one might find themselves having somatic reactions when attempting to be intimate or close to anyone else. Chest tightness, stomach aches, light-headedness, or clenching jaws are just a few examples of how the mind tries to send direct signals saying: this territory isn’t safe! One might not necessarily understand or remember why their reactions happen in such a way, but the mind and body does.

Does that mean reliving the events of the past is necessary to get through it and let it go? No, not necessarily. The secret weapon, first and foremost, is being able to notice what’s going on instead of reacting with displeasure, or frustration, or judgment. When approaching our bodily responses from a place of curiosity (noticing), rather than judgment (reacting/interpreting), we can contribute to a calmer, less reactive amygdala (AKA: the smoke detector that sends us those signals to our body to start feeling out of sorts). In turn, we don’t pile on “this feeling is bad” to the already uncomfortable response of stomach or head aches.

If adding extra spices to a recipe doesn’t end up tasting great, it would be unreasonable to automatically flip the table over and degrade our ability to cook, right? Instead, our face might squish in response to our taste-buds screaming Nuh-uh! No more! We notice the flavor isn’t up to par and start assessing what happened. Could it be too much salt? Maybe the steak-seasoning didn’t go well with this particular dish? Or perhaps the recipe needs some spice. In the case of our dating example, we often judge the stomach aches or tight chest. Many of us go into a state of confusion, wondering “What’s wrong with me? Why does this happen to me? Why can’t I just ___?” This is the judgement, the poor reaction, that creates further disconnection with what our body and mind are trying to tell us.

Instead, when we notice a particular response going on in the body, we can ask ourselves what’s happening here? Am I anxious about being intimate again? Is this new person showing some red flags I’ve already seen before? What’s making me feel unsafe right now? The patience, the self-trust, and the self-discovery goes a much longer way than ignoring the signs and then potentially entering another unhealthy relationship dynamic.

This goes for more examples than just dating and intimacy, of course. However, the larger message here is that getting in tune with, and listening to, our body is such a strong, beneficial skill that can help us in a multitude of ways. For anxious responses, it could be what encourages us to take our time with decision making, or moving slowly through a process, or finding our new sense/version of safety, so we may further learn to trust ourselves and our inner-wisdom.

This is just one drop in the ocean of “trauma” — or if you don’t like that word, then think “big feelings,” “significant stress,” or “painful memories.” And if noticing seems too simple, it very well may be. There’s no one size fits all, but it is one strong place to start.

Therapeutic Tears

I recently started going back to therapy again…

And it’s not for any other reason than the fact that: finding balance in life is H A R D.

Our culture revels in that never-stop-the-grind mind-set, so most of us place too many expectations on ourselves because that’s what we think we’re supposed to do. For me, it’s that I want to be a great student, AND a great employee, AND a great girlfriend/friend/daughter/sister, AND a great writer, AND a good shuffle dancer, AND be healthy and fit, AND improve my jiu jitsu game, AND still have time to clean/do laundry/meal-prep/play with my dog/sleep, AND and…and…anddddd….

If you’re like me, within each of your own categories are subcategories in which you list all the things you need to do to be a great student, employee, gf/friend/daughter/sister,  etcetera and etcetera. Thinking about all of that all at once had me trapped in crying spells. Any time I went to do homework, or if my boss asked me to work longer, or if I forgot to call back my friend, I was up to my eyeballs in anxiety and self-pity. Although I knew crying can be very therapeutic, I still had the notion that crying was unproductive, so it only made me feel more incompetent.

But here are a few things I gained from my last therapy session that might help you, too:

1) Crying can actually be a significant form of self-control. Being overwhelmed is very much a part of the human experience and that is okay! Tears let us release cortisol and other toxic chemicals in the body so that we can clear the fog in our brain and refocus on what needs to get done first; therefore, when we allow ourselves to get in a good cry when it’s needed, we’re actually being more productive than we think.

2) Telling ourselves “not to think about it” (as a way to protect us from feeling too stressed out or overwhelmed) only keeps the nagging thought coming back. Why? Because we do, in fact, have to think about these things! They’re valid worries that need to be taken care of. Ignoring our problems and responsibilities doesn’t make them go away, it only keeps them coming back with a vengeance. Whether it be that you let yourself feel the overwhelm and cry it out, or you take a 10 minute break to make a list and take a breather, or whatever it is, do what you need to do to get your head back in the game.

3) To find balance in life is to know how and when to prioritize REST. How many of you know someone who spends their whole weekends, or time after work, or their vacations in a chronic state of ‘I-gotta-get-something-done’? This is how we can quickly lead ourselves to burn-out, feeling resentment, and being extra sensitive and moody. Sleep should not be the only time we let ourselves shut our brain and body off. We are much better workers and people when we can prioritize rest throughout our day/week.

Un dia a la vez…

In other words, one day at a time, my friends. I hope whatever stresses might be running a muck in your brain this week that you can find peace in it. Sending wellness vibes your way…

XOXO,
Sab<3

Is the “L” word really that intimidating?

What I adore so much when talking about the “L” word, is that everyone’s version of it is vastly unique.

To understand love better, or to know what we’re “supposed” to be on the lookout for when we’re actively seeking out a partner to fall in love with, I think most of us try to narrowly categorize what love is and what it feels like. Truth is, though, our experiences behind each and every relationship in our lives (romantic, social, and familial) are just too different. The love I feel for my Mom might be similar but it’s not the same kind of love I feel for my best friend, and that’s because I share different experiences with each person. I believe this is the exact reason love is such a hard phenomenon to describe.

A few weeks ago I wrote an article about not settling for the bare minimum (in so many words, by “bare minimum” I meant “half-assed versions of love”). Early in to that article  I vaguely mentioned these contrasting versions of love; however, I also mentioned that the kind I didn’t know personally was the intimate and committed kind that we feel for our partners……….and, well…I want to take that back now. 

Maybe it’s not lOvE… I already know some would reckon that it’s too early to call it that, but one thing I know for sure is that it’s definitely more than just a “liking.” Perhaps the next stage is “like-like” or super like, but even if those terms have potential to be correct, what I’m feeling is way stronger than that. The feeling I’m experiencing is one of appreciation, adoration, admiration, and gratitude. I feel safe, I feel a new place in my heart opening up and it feels like home; I’m in a trance, and I have no intentions or desires to get out. 

Could that be the “L” word? And if that’s the “L” word, why are we so intimidated by it? Why do we tread around it with such caution? Is it really all that scary?

If you can’t tell, I’ve naturally had some time to ponder these questions…

I’ve heard that love is too strong of a word and it shouldn’t be used lightly but, personally, I use the word often with friends, family, and things or activities I really enjoy….except when it comes to intimate relationships. I, too, have seemingly been programmed to adopt the oh-so-common belief that love is scary, intimidating, and should  be stated only if we’re sure it’ll be reciprocated (otherwise it’s embarrassing). I, too, have thought that saying “I love you” is like walking on egg shells. I get it.

Plus, with the wide-ranging amount of definitions behind the “L” word (AKA: personal experiences, as well as the ones we’ve witnessed), it’s understandable why such negative misconceptions are easier to latch onto. Love oftentimes get a misconstrued reputation because we place it at the face of other painful experiences, and that conditions us to think that Love is synonymous with disloyalty, broken promises, false hope, and maltreatment. We know those aren’t acts of love, but we still fear the possibility so showing emotions, telling others how we feel, going out of our way to go the extra mile, are just a few subtle expressions of love that have taken a hit. And it shows in how offset we are by the word. 

All I know is that we have only one life to live, and I don’t want to spend mine fearing the very thing that adds so much meaning to it; the thing that is so breathtakingly valuable to my joy. I hope you don’t either, so here are some reminders to keep in mind about the “L” word…

• It is kind, it is peaceful, and it universally binds us together

Although Love is not culturally universal (because of the arbitrary ways it’s expressed and internalized); our capacity to Love is. When we show up for others, when we give our best selves to a relationship, project, or another, and when we practice self-compassion, we are becoming one with ourselves and one with the other people in our lives. 

It might seem like Love is synonymous with emotions like anger, jealousy, or sadness (because sometimes we think that these emotions are brought forth out of love), but we must let go of this notion. Love can come after experiencing anger, jealousy, or sadness, but these emotion are not synonymous with Love.

For example, I get angry when my best friend looks down on herself. My anger might seem like it’s coming from a place of Love, but my anger is not Love. Me reminding her of all her greatest qualities, how worthy she is, and how much I appreciate her as my best friend is love.

The more we come to understand love in this context, the better I think we can be at both expressing it and receiving it. Love will always be kind, peacefully, and bring us together as long as we remember what real love is. 

 

• just a small drop has the capacity to develop, expand, rise, and multiply

It’s no question that love is contagious. When we witness someone falling in love, what do we see? They’re giddy, they smile more, they put forth more effort into their pursuits and goals, they walk with their head held a little higher, their chest a little broader, and they’re more apt to say yes to new opportunities.

Think about it this way: when a candle shares it’s light, does it dim? Nope, it does not; the light just keeps spreading from one candle to another. The same goes for how we experience and express love — it can develop, it can expand, it can rise, and it can multiply. Never underestimate its power.  

 

• it catalyzes our potential to live life to its absolute fullest — which is especially true when we experience pain around it

When we can appreciate Love for all its grandeur — the highs and the lows, and everything in between — we can give our all to others. And even if it’s not always reciprocated, we can trust that we were able to change someone’s perspective, even if just in the slightest.

I have dated plenty and loved none, and although I was much more scared of getting hurt before than I am now, showing kindness, care, and consideration for all those who didn’t reciprocate it the same way turned out to help my self-compassion, -confidence, and -esteem more than it hurt it. Here’s why:
1) I had to learn how to fill the void in my heart through myself and the already established (and cherished) relationships I had. What took me so long to realize was that just because the bartender wasn’t there, didn’t mean I was drinking (or living my life) from an empty glass. And,
2) I choose to believe that whether I left a mark in the heart of those I dated before, or if I was just someone they knew in passing, I’m being the change I wish to see in the world. Trying to show more care, giving chances to new people and experiences, and offering the benefit of the doubt are examples that I believe the world needs to see and normalize more. Those acts do rub off on someone along the way, and just because we don’t see it happening behind the scenes doesn’t mean we should stop. That alone is enough.

So even when showing less intense versions of love (acts of kindness, consideration, and empathy) has brought some heart-ache and pain, I know that it has taught me how to do better, be better, and love harder. And now that I’m in a relationship that actually does feel right, real, reciprocated, and undeniably…amazing?…I am confident in my abilities to give my all to it and the new journey he and I are embarking on. Call me cheesy, but trusting in the power of Love, no matter what happens, is enough for me to know that this adventure is going to be worth everything I put into it. 

 

• it has the power to heal us from the inside out

This is a two way streak because we have to let Love in (from others and ourselves) in order to experience it’s healing abilities. Practicing self-love has been the biggest game changer in how I view myself, my body, and my potential; however, it has also made it so much easier (and significantly sweeter) to let love in when I’m experiencing it through the acts and behaviors from others.

If I can’t believe myself when I say that I’m worthy of feeling sexy, receiving kindness, and being fully accepted for who I am right now, then how I can believe (and appreciate) my boyfriend, for example, when he tells me that I’m sexy, when he opens his heart to me and proves how accepted I am, and that I deserve to be treated with all the kindness he covers me with daily?!  

When we love ourselves, we’re less resistant to letting in love from others; which only strengthens our hearts, encourages us to express love more often, and opens us up to receiving, accepting, and appreciating the love others want to give us. 

 

Perhaps we have nothing to be afraid of when using the “L” word. Sure, it’s powerful, but it’s gentle, too. While I still might wait to use it, I can most confidently say that I finally know, in my heart, what all the different versions of Love feel like. 

And damn does this version feel good.

XOXO,
Sab

Hacks to Happiness: Aim for Connection Over Everything Else

The first time my dog, Milo, attempted to bite me is an image seared into my brain. 

It’s not the first time I’ve almost been bitten by a dog, but the way his ears curled back, his eyes glared, and his lips fiercely stretched over his teeth in the blink of an eye just before he lunged at me still gives me goosebumps. We had just come inside from his bathroom break, and I needed to leave for an event. After gathering my things, I tried to cutely lead him to his playpen, but he just as cutely ran the other way. I was on a time crunch so my patience was running out, and he heard it in my voice as my calls to him collected more attitude and volume. Eventually I had him cornered, and when I went to grab him, he snapped back.

Like all Dog-Moms I absolutely love my little pup, so his aggression not only scared me half to death but it also felt like a sign of hatred. If I sound like I’m exaggerating then I encourage you to arrange a situation that prompts your pup to bite you when you’re just trying to instill some control. Then, if you have any sympathy in your soul, watch as your veins fill with anger, and then watch them get replaced by guilt…then perhaps filled with anger again. (This works in child care, too, by the way).  

But here’s the thing: in the moment I was getting angry, it was because I was seeking power. I was trying to establish my authority and I was obviously losing. After the results my actions rendered — AKA almost getting bit — I was filled with guilt because I was no longer connected to Milo, or myself for that matter. So what exactly was I connected to? 

This kind of dynamic can be seen in all of our relationships – social, personal, and professional. We’re either bidding for connection or we’re bidding for power. And quite frankly, in our bids for power we either “win” and are disliked (and often disrespected, most often behind our backs), or we lose and feel lost — kind of like the end of an electrically charged wire that had just broke loose and is flying frantically in the air.

In order to get that wire connected to where it needs to be, we have to shut that charge off. Similarly, in our relationships, we need to reconsider what our actions were aiming for in the first place: power or connection? 

In our bids for power, we solely care about being right. We blame, we accuse, we yell, we disregard others, we micromanage, we do over someone’s work, we gaslight, we ghost, we don’t listen, we try to seek revenge (yes, that’s a cheap shot in pursuit of power)…must I go on?

When we’re aiming to connect, we ask questions, we listen, we empathize, we communicate our needs, we communicate our boundaries, we look into ourselves to apologize for where we were wrong, then we care enough to ask “how can I do better?” and actually try to do that. 

Major differences there, huh?  

 

Dealing with the “Power-Holders” 

 

People who try to instill power above you are doing so because they don’t feel in control. It could be a parent, sibling, boss, or friend that’s seeking power over how you feel, over your work ethic, over how you should handle a situation, or how you act — the list continues. 

When you find these relationships in your life, consider the kind of power that person is seeking over you, and try to be a step ahead of it.

The “I feel [blank] when you [blank]” Statement: The more specific you get with this, the more powerful it is. Instead of accusing someone’s character (“you’re an asshole,” “you’re inconsiderate,” “you’re a terrible listener”), this statement aims to relay that you feel a certain way when a specific situation occurs. Here’s a few examples:

• • I feel ignored and unheard when you change the subject as I’m talking about something that is important to me. 
  • I feel like a nuisance when you belittle a concern that I’m trying to bring to your attention. 
  • I feel like I mean nothing to you when you disregard my bids for connection. 

These are generic and resemble more of text-book style, but I leave them that way so they can really emphasize how you choose your words. Fill in the blanks with what feels right in your circumstance, but remember to be specific.

Communicate EXTRA: If you know a person well enough and presume they’re going to question you, your decisions, your motives, or another, then communicate as much as possible. Fill in the blanks that might be in their head so they’re not left to watch over your shoulder and track your every move.

This is especially important when making new friends or meeting new potential partners. Don’t just leave a person hanging — communicate! Let them know you’re not ignoring them, you’re just busy. Let them know you just need space today. Let them know you’re not up for hanging out this weekend, and try to reschedule for another weekend. It takes two seconds to send a text, people! Plus, keeping a person in the loop really doesn’t have to be that complicated. Just show you care more; it’s good for your soul. 

Realize You’re Outgrowing Them: When we change, our relationships change. That’s a fact of life. We outgrow old friends, old coworkers, and even family members (for anyone who needs the reminder: blood relationships are never a good enough reason to tolerate someone’s power toxicity). Of course, if we’re experiencing a lack of support from someone important in our life, the reason reflects their own inner demons and insecurities. However, if their lack of support turns to discouragement or attempts to hold you back, it’s time to let go. 

 

How to Seek Connection

 

Own up to your faults & validate their feelings: If you want to stop being the asshole in the conversation, it’d be best if you swallow your pride and realize you’re not perfect either. This doesn’t mean you suck up to anyone, it simply means that you acknowledge where you could have went wrong. Endorsing the importance of another’s feelings builds trust, it instills a safe space for that other persons to reciprocate, and it lowers a person’s defense making for a more productive conversation and an enhanced experience when exploring options/solutions/etc.

Ask more questions: This is so key. We’re all detectives and the more questions we get answered, the better we can understand and empathize. Figure out what made another person upset, or where you went wrong, or how you can help. Better yet, ask your partner, your friendships, your family, or even your coworkers and boss, “how can I do better?”

I know you’re already feeling a pang of resistance. Do it anyway.

Find common ground to come to a conclusion on: After you’ve validated feelings  and asked the necessary questions, you should be on a neutral ground and both parties should be calm, patient, and prepared to come to a consensus, right?

………………………
Right! In a perfect world!

Of course this is way easier in theory, but the more you practice these techniques in your relationships, the easier it is because repeated actions eventually become a habit. And adopting these habits will slowly begin to feel like second nature. 

Please note that cultivating these habits around seeking connection are not always synonymous with comfort. Nothing about tough conversations is comfortable — that’s why they’re tough, duh! — but the way in which you approach them becomes less intimidating. You will start to trust the process more, you will start to trust your ability to navigate those tougher conversations, and you will notice just how much improvement your relationships experience as you have them.  

 

So, as it came to be with Milo, I now know that my obvious attempts at authoritative power (in most situations, not all) trigger an instinctual reaction from him, which is fair. I’d probably respond similarly if I was scared. So I’ve built his trust by teaching him that the playpen is associated with treats for reinforcement.

Surely relationships with our dogs are different than our relationships with humans…but then again, when our bids for connection are associated with enhanced relationship reinforcement, that difference is not by much. 

Connection is work, but so is everything else that’s wonderful and worth having in this world!

Sending you patience, kindness, and positive vibes…

XOXO,
Sab

Hacks to Happiness: Who Is Our Highest Self & How Do We Reach Them?

Talking about our “highest” self isn’t a discussion brought up too often — unless we’re in a dispensary…

buh-dum-tsss.

 

So who is our “Highest Self?” What does it mean? 

 

Our highest self is our deepest intuition. It’s the part of us that works from insight, excites inspiration, and guides us with intention — so long as we choose to listen and remain in connection with it. 

Other terms for it are our “value-guided self,” our “wisest self,” our “inner self,” and even “our gut instinct” — and I will be exchanging these terms as I continue this post so do not be confused; they all refer to the same deeper part of our conscious. 

In any case, the name is meant to emphasize that our thoughts and consciousness run deeper than what is presented on the surface. That’s because we don’t see someone’s deepest or wisest self through their race, ethnicity, status, or trendy, flashy things. We only see it based on the example they set and how they treat both others and themselves. Our highest self is our own individual guiding principle that leads us toward what we value most, and that’s cultivated through lots of self-reflection and action. 

With the amount of distractions, temptations, and loud noise we experience on a daily basis from family, friends, professors, media, society, cultural beliefs, religious values, and even our own combative thoughts, it requires quite some energy to deflect all the clamor and dig deeper into what we believe, what change we want to see in the world, and what it will take from us to go after, or become, that. 

 

Building A Connection with Your Highest Self 

 

Introspection is built just like a muscle. The more we use it, the stronger it gets. 

We have to remind ourselves to be still, to listen, and to practice blocking out the distractions when we are listening to our value-guided self. Some examples of what this may look like are: 

• following through with what you said you’d do for someone — even when it turns out to be an inconvenience
• following through with what you said you’d do for yourself — even when it turns out to be an inconvenience 
• not playing by dating game rules everyone seems to encourage because you know deep down you’d rather find a love more mature and genuine than that 
• telling your boss you’re too swamped on other projects to take on a new one (#boundaries)
• granting yourself a weekend of space and the true rest and recovery you need instead of going out with friends or filling your schedule with things you feel you “have” to do
• scheduling a time away from work, school, or other obligations just to go out with friends and have fun
• partaking in the activities you love to do, or want to try, regardless if you’re good at them or not
• fighting and being an advocate for movements you’re passionate about 
• standing up for what you believe in, for yourself, and for others in the face of affliction

 

The more we listen to our value-guided / highest- / wisest- self and go forth with intention, we’ll notice the reward from our practice. 

Just think back to the first time you started your current favorite hobby. Perhaps you felt uncoordinated, a little disjointed, and maybe even a little embarrassed about your ignorance around the activity. When I first started bodybuilding the exercise I loathed, but knew I needed to do, were pull-ups. I had to remind and push myself to do them at least every other day because as hard as they were, I knew I wanted to get better at them so they could strengthen my other lifts.

There were days I skipped them completely because I listened to the noise in my head saying they’re too hard…you’re tired today…you’re probably not even going to get 1½…just do them next time. However, the more I blocked out that noise, that is the more diligent I was with keeping up my practice, the stronger I felt myself becoming. Eventually, I felt that strength begin to seep into my other lifts; it improved my posture, and let’s be real, I felt like a bad ass. Eventually I came to love Back-and-Bis Day.  

Watching how our confidence and self-trust evolves (through the act of making value-guided decisions and going after what we truly desire to see, and be, in this life) is a powerful feeling. Smaller acts of meditation, reflection, and action add up to bigger acts of kindness and confidence, and eventually we come to enjoy the process and develop a gratitude for the situations we’re put in. We begin to trust ourselves and our ability to handle them, more and more. 

However, it should be mentioned that this doesn’t mean we can reach a “rite of passage,” so to speak, that automatically grants us an easy-peasy life. To consistently improve, we must consistently practice.   

 

When Your Highest Self Leads You Toward Consequence 

**These two statements are incredibly important to remember, so please do not skim over this.**

***

1. We only know what we know when we know it.

Slow down. Read that again: we only know…what we know…when we know it.

 

2. We cannot know what we don’t know until we know it.

Alright. One more time: we cannot know…what we don’t know…until we know it. 

***

Just because we listen to our value-guided self doesn’t mean we will know the outcome of a situation. And it certainly doesn’t mean we will always be right! That’s because our value-guided self can only lead us toward what we currently know and believe is the best decision.

The hardest part of listening to our highest self is not, in fact, the process of listening and going after something; the hardest part is overcoming the fear that somewhere in that process we could be wrong; it’s overcoming the fear that we could be disturbing the peace and very well be making others uncomfortable.

In first grade, there was a boy who consistently teased and picked on me and although I picked back, he almost always got away with it. One day during group time, he mouthed the words “fuck you” to me (I couldn’t make this up if I wanted to). I quickly interrupted the session and yelled out, “[he] just said the f-word to me!!” And unfortunately, we both got detention. Yeup, my first detention ever because I decided I would tolerate that boy’s meanness no longer!

Silly as it seems, there is something to be said about the fact that telling my teacher about him is what I knew, in that moment, would grant me the justice I deserved. Sure, in the end, as a consequence we both received detention, but I learned that next time I’d make sure to wait until after group time to seek justice. 

The issues I faced as a seven year old seem minor to my now 23 year old self, but the practice of refining what my wisest self knows is a demonstration that remains the same.  When there are consequences to our value-guided behavior, we can trust that our wisest self will always lead us toward what we believe to be right and we will survive through, learn about, and take educational advantage of our mistakes.

And if others become uncomfortable, let them stay that way. Our discomfort is an opportunity to explore our biases, our fears, and our insecurities. Our discomfort is our own responsibility, not someone else’s. Therefore, in pursuing what your wisest, highest self is leading you toward, bare in mind that ensuring everyone else is comfortable is not, and will never be, part of your journey.

 

Measuring Your Success 

 

So many of us base success on the outcome of a situation. Whether that be on someone’s response (or lack thereof), people’s reactions, if a proposal goes through, if we get the job, or get accepted into a program — the list is endless.

But what if we determined success on our ability to show up in a value-guided way.

The goal is to be clear about our values and be intentional about how we live up to them –  for ourselves, for our relationships, for strangers, and especially for those we may not agree with. We needn’t be perfect in our pursuits; we simply need to do the best we can. And if that turns out flawed, we pursue the next right thing.

Lisa Laughman, a social worker from Michigan State University, said it perfectly in her recent webinar:

“I get to navigate my mistakes whole heartedly and in a value-guided way. And then I get to like myself better over time [while] holding way less emotional baggage.”

– Essential Skills for Navigating Difficult Times (Session: 6/6) –

Notice the verbiage: we get to navigate our mistakes. We needn’t see it as a burden, but rather an advantage, a gift. And that’s a powerful way to look at our shortcomings because what we do holds just as much importance as the language we use around it.

^^^

Holding Space for others & Their Highest Selves

 

During difficult moments when someone is honoring their emotions in your presence, they are placing a sacred trust in you by sharing that experience with you. The most important thing for any one of us to do when that person is uncomfortable, hurting, and confused are the following three things:

1. Remove any judgement

This is not a proper time nor is it your place to offer personal opinions. However strongly you feel about a situation, put it on hold for a while. Simply be there with that person; remain present.

Suspend any comments that resemble things like,

– See, I told you this would happen…
– I wish you would have listened to me…
– There’s nothing you can do about it now so it makes no sense to cry…
– Please don’t be upset…
– Look at the bright side; things could be so much worse…
– Well at least you — …

2. Don’t fix, do validate 

When holding space for another person, our main job is to listen. It’s super important we demonstrate that we care about how that person is feeling. We don’t need to be the problem solver, the fixer, the I’ll-Make-Everything-All-Better man; we just need to identify how a person is feeling and attempt to empathize with it.

Appropriate comments sound more like,

– What you’re going through is really hard…
– I can only imagine how painful this must be for you…
– So what I’m hearing you say is ___…am I hearing that right?
– I might not know what’s the best thing to say, but know that I am here for you…

3. Understand the situation through their lens, not yours.

An incredibly profound quote from Allyson Dinneen says, “Wanting people to feel better isn’t helpful if it is our idea of ‘better’ and not theirs.”

Holding space for another person is not a means of fixing, judging, or evaluating what you think the outcome should look like. Empathy is a means of attempting to understand an experience through their eyes, and through their eyes only. This means we need to be asking more questions than we are making statements.

How you would’ve attempted to handle the situation does not help, it does not validate, and it certainly does not make someone in a vulnerable state feel better.

Questions you can ask that might propel some self-reflection without offering answers or refuting their feelings sound like,

– Who established the rule you’re having around how you’re feeling?
– What would you like to do about this?
– What is the next best thing you can do for yourself now?
– I’m proud of you…will you call me to let me know how it went?

---

I wanted to write this post without bias toward any specific relationship to religion, witchcraft, or zodiac signs, but it’s worth mentioning that tapping into our highest self is a lifelong practice and study that even monks and spiritual gurus today have a hard time describing. Meditation and quietness is encouraged so much across so many spiritual practices because we cannot get through difficult times when our thoughts and emotions are stuck in the obnoxiously dark and discouraging stores of our mind. 

We must remember that while our practice is individual and unique, we are and always will be support systems for one another. Our power to help others and ourselves lies solely within our ability to be present, to encourage without judgement or attitudes of superiority, and to remind each other that no matter what, we can be reliable foundations of love, calmness, and acceptance whenever the going gets tough.

If we can hold this kind of safe space for ourselves, we can do that for others; and in doing so for others, we strengthen and improve our ability to do it for ourselves. It’s a cycle.

Building a connection to your inner gut instinct is a skill, and it’s a contagious one at that. By listening, you bestow a gift of trust to yourself, and you bestow a gift of permission for others to give to themselves. And I’ll say, witnessing the reward that comes from doing so, especially when we use it to navigate difficult situations, is a pretty happy experience, indeed.

New Baltimore, Michigan 

Sending you joy going into the week!

XOXO,
Sab

Where Self-Sabotage & Emotional Suppression Intersect

Have you ever had feelings about your feelings? My educated guess is…yes.

Whether is was self-resentment for being angry at a situation, or feeling guilty for being sad or anxious, we’ve all been pushed into some sort of discomfort over a feeling we couldn’t control having. 

**Thanks to Dr. Marc Brackett who coined the term, we know this as meta-emotion. (You can read more about the details of meta-emotions in his new book).**

So why do we do this? What does having feelings about our feelings do for us? Well, in short, denying our feelings (or judging ourselves for having them) is easier — it’s our “short-cut to safety.” We use rejection in so many aspects of our lives because without an issue, we don’t have to investigate what caused it, where it came from, or how to prevent it from happening again. This is why our patterns repeat themselves, even when we don’t like it. It’s what we know and our knowing is what keeps us comfortable. 

For example…

If your parents keep waking you up Saturday mornings when it’s your only day to sleep in, it makes sense to be irritated at their inconsideration….

If the guy you’ve been texting all of a sudden decides to stop responding two days before the plans you’ve both made, you have every right to feel betrayed & angry at his flakeyness…

If your boss constantly picks at your faults in projects, even after you have completed a number of accomplishments that benefited theirs and the company’s name, well…anyone would feel naturally upset and hurt for the lack of  appreciation!  

So it’s easier to just tell ourselves…

“I shouldn’t be so upset with my parents…why do I let them get to me like this?”

“How did I not see this coming? I shouldn’t be so bothered. I’m the one who keeps making the same mistake…” 

“My boss has been doing this for months now; I should be used to it. I just need to ignore it…”

In order not to appear weak, “look stupid,” or show any sort of “care” for a situation, we remain silent. We keep those deeper, more complex feelings to ourselves. 

 

First thing is first:
our feelings are never, ever a mistake!

 

Conflict is uncomfortable, sure. Communicating boundaries with others is uncomfortable, yes. Trying to state how you feel to someone in higher authority is uncomfortable, absolutely. But you know what’s worse than that? Living a life based off of obedience, passive-aggression, and lack of true and genuine connection with ourselves and the people we’re surrounded by. 

 As Brene Brown reminds us, “Emotions don’t go away…[they] are not benign; they [simply] metastasize.” Feelings get pushed down and eventually develop into a tension or heaviness in our gut, our lower-back, our neck, or our heart; placement varies from person to person. Nevertheless, in turn we end up having two types of people: those who blame others and push them away through slight narcissism, rude demeanor, conflict progression, and sarcasm, OR those who blame themselves and their own character and never building enough self-trust or compassion to experience their full potential.

In either case, often-times distraction-mechanisms are adopted into activities such as sitting on social media or watching series for hours on end, unwinding with several beers or glasses of wine per night, abusing other substances, and/or partaking in destructive and inappropriate sexual behaviors — all as an escape from reality and a quick ego-boost. 

It’s not so much about treating the by-products of meta-emotions and emotion-suppression that we should be attempting to “fix.” None of us are broken. We simply need to heal from the inside out, and that starts by realizing: every single time we reject our natural emotions and our right to feel whatever comes with them, we’re sabotaging ourselves. We demolish our own wall of trust, we become less efficient at listening to our intuition, and we don’t actually find a healthy way to set boundaries or alter the pattern.

 

So how do we alter the pattern? 

 

• Watching how we speak to others
  None of us ever meant harm when we told our friends “you shouldn’t feel this way,” “snap out of it,” or “you’re better than, smarter than, or stronger than this.” Ultimately, our friends will offer the same kind of “help” in return; however, these types of phrases only really do two things: 1) they invalidate how one is feeling, and 2) they remind the person that they, in fact, are not “better, smarter, or stronger” than their circumstance because of how they already feel.
  
  For example, when I’m sad about the flakey dude, the last thing I want to hear is “Sab, you’re better than this. It’s his loss, don’t worry about it so much” because in this event where I can’t help my frustration, disappointment, and broken-heart, I’m internalizing the fact that I must not be “better” than it either. And well…don’t we all hate hearing, “don’t worry ‘bout it” when we’re in the midst of worrying?! — Like, Oh gee, thanks! Didn’t think of that! 
  
  So through all of this, my natural emotions are associated with even more discomfort; I feel worse for naturally feeling shitty — which only makes me want to hide and suppress those feelings the next time they arise. 
  
  Instead, we can be more empathetic by trying to relate to the situation at hand, and at the very least, validate our friends’ feelings — that way we also know we’re allowed to validate our own. In my case, hearing, “I know this experience hurts, and you have every reason to feel angry. What can I do to help?” is much more productive for my mental well-being and it gives me space to feel the sadness, disappointment, and frustration. That permission to feel gives me a sense of safety so that I can fully acknowledge those natural emotions and eventually let them leave my body. 
  
  ** For the hot-shots who are thinking, “but how else does a person grow thicker skin?” I would like to remind you that thick-skin is not a result of pretending feelings don’t exist. Thick skin is a result of healthy confidence, trust, knowing one’s self-worth, and understanding there is no shame in constant self-improvement; however, we learn to grow these skills at best through community, through loving and caring  relationships, and through doing the work — not by disregarding people and their feelings.
  
  
  
• Expression
  Shame festers and grows in the darkness, but it can no longer live when it’s brought to light. In my experience, the most effective way I express myself is through talking to a trusted friend, relative, therapist, counselor, coach, or mentor, and through writing about it.
  
  Understandably, this doesn’t work for everyone, but there’s a million ways we can express ourselves. It is part of our self-care efforts and personal responsibility to find it. It can be through movement (lifting weights, boxing, Tae-kwon-doe, Yoga, dance, etc) and meditation. We can express ourselves through art, creating content (like videos or blog posts much like this one), or making music.
  
  Find your outlet!
  
  
  
  
• Dig Deeper
  Understanding the self, where our habits and tendencies originate from, can uncover so much self-discovery. The more we understand — that is, the more information we can work with — the better we can figure out how to modify our habits and behaviors. It becomes easier to pinpoint certain emotions when they’re being triggered and cultivating healthy ways to respond to them when they arise.
  
  Reading books, articles, and blogs, listening to Ted Talks, Podcasts, and certain YouTubers are a start. Journaling about our experiences so we can become more self-aware and better visualize our patterns are even bigger steps.
   
  
  
• Practice setting boundaries early
  It never helps to wait for people to “catch on” or “to get the hint…” NEVER! It also never helped to wait until we were at our wit’s end to explode on a person. That’s because it is no one’s responsibility to figure out how we perceive or feel about a situation; it is our responsibility to know about it and tell them. So in a world where most people do not practice setting boundaries, it is an exceptionally respectable act to witness someone who does.
  
  It’s as simple as saying, “Hey…please don’t take it personally, I’m just going to go for a walk by myself today. I just need a little alone time.”  — Instead of proceeding on an walk leaving both you and your partner uncomfortable and tense.
  
  Or, “I appreciated your company today. I just want to be honest and let you know I didn’t feel a chemistry between us.” — Instead of ghosting. 
  
  Setting smaller boundaries now helps build a foundation to create bigger boundaries later when necessary. You can read more about it here.

See, I envision a world where we can respectfully ask our parents to leave us alone on Saturday mornings, so we can get our precious sleep…

Where we can feel the total experience of frustration when yet another boy (or girl) disregards our time so we can give our energy to a more respectable person or a different project…

And where we can assert boundaries so that the efforts we pour into our careers, the importance in our role and in our being, are fully appreciated.

Can you see that, too? ‘Cause if so, it starts with you.

XOXO,
Sab♥

 

Falling Too Hard, Too Quick – And What to Do About It

I’m sure you can think back to a story (Harry Potter? Judy Blume?), a poem (Edgar Allen Poe? Robert Frost?), or even a text (An old ex? A best friend?) that evoked a particular emotion within you.

Whether it was surprise, fear, guilt, inspiration, excitement — whatever feelings those words developed within you was pure proof that you don’t have to love reading in order to understand just how much of an impact words have on your thoughts and feelings.

This is because words have the power to change our perception of reality.

In order for us to comprehend our situations, to better understand what we’re experiencing, we create stories all the time. Body language, facial expressions, and tones of one’s voice help to create a clearer path to the story building. 

If we don’t have enough data or information to go by, the brain doesn’t leave blank spaces — it fills in what we think should be or might be what fits, and we roll with it (*cough cough* how we make assumptions *cough*).  

In dating, this is evident, because we constantly build stories around what we think we know.

Say you meet a guy or gal who attracted you by their style, their demeanor, their confidence, etc. and so you began to create a sort of “story” about them — which includes a mixture of guesses and desires to paint a more understandable picture of who you wanted and hoped they’d continue to be. Say you match with someone online — same thing happens except the difference is instead of a physical being, you use their pictures to help decipher what their presentation says about them. As conversations develop, you paint a picture based on what you want to see, what you want to feel, and the hope that all of your conclusions are correct as you progress.

First, please just remember: this is h u m a n  &  n o r m a l.

I find so many of us (myself most definitely included) believing that the one’s who can resist believing in or falling for their story are somehow “superior” because they didn’t have to suffer rejection, or the pain of having been “wrong” in their story. But these people didn’t get hurt because they weren’t really feeling anything at all.

Feeling nothing is not any better than feeling “too much.”

It seems like an attractive shield of protection to “not catch feelings,” but no healthy or admirable relationship ever flourished from the act of resistance. Ever. Period. We can feel excited, and then we can feel like we might have been wrong and that is okaaaaaaay! Feelings are simply feedback — and we cannot be closed off, stiff, or rigid to them because then we’ll never feel the full capacity of what it means to love someone.

What we can do is build skills around checking-in when those feelings are too heavy, overwhelming, or uncontrollable, and regulate them in a way that remains true to who we are and what we’re experiencing.

 

Regulate Before You Aggregate 

When we’re just getting to know someone we’re attracted to, feelings become overwhelming. We gather their kind words, gestures, and minor behaviors like collectibles which get stored in the cabinets of our minds. AKA: pieces of the story.

My goal here is not to strip this excitement from anyone (dating is meant to be f u n — believe it or not). My goal is to remind you to look inward and reset if necessary. 

Oftentimes we’re easily swooned by the butterflies that are ignited from the flirty texts, cute emojis, the random memes, or Snapchats, etc. And sometimes we’re easily swayed from the lack thereof! We can enjoy the feeling or be a little worried, but then we must gently remind ourselves to come back to center. 

3 Steps to Emotional Regulation in Dating:

1. Self Awareness – Mind & Body
   Excitement is a very healthy and outstanding feeling to have. It lights a fire of energy, usually in the form of “butterfly” flutters and angst. To get a better handle on it without shutting ourselves down (that’s not what this is meant to do), we need to exert that energy into something else.
   
   It can be through movement — dancing, stretching, running, boxing, etc. OR gaining control through meditative breathing. We can bring ourselves back to center by following the 4-7-8 technique, Nadi Shodhana (alternate nostril breathing), or even just taking 5 minutes to breath in sync with this captivating geometric movement (I’d recommend slowing it down to .75, though).
   
   On the same token we can sense when a situation feels off. Our intuition can tell when we’re experiencing sarcasm, passive-aggressiveness, lack of consideration, kindness, or simply not being heard. Sometimes we create excuses for these behaviors instead of approaching them with respect and expressing our concerns. We cannot suppress, numb, or play it off as a means to distract the feeling. We must acknowledge it and name it out loud, otherwise we’re not being true to ourselves – which will only cause more distress down the road.
    
2. Switching Roles
   Reversing the current roles being played out is key to bring more perspective to a situation. If you’re feeling off, or even if you sense you’re becoming head-over-heals for someone you just met, imagine that being your best friend, brother, sister, cousin or even parent bringing their concerns to your attention.

   How would you respond to them? What would your best advice to them be?
   
   Chances are you already have the answer. Listen to that. 

3. Self Compassion & Emotional Support
   There could be a chance we don’t have enough information or data and the anxiety we’re feeling about a situation was stirred up from past experiences. There could also be a chance that we know what’s best for us, but we don’t want to accept it yet. That pain is valid. Let yourself feel it. 

   Perhaps we’re just super thrilled to be back in the game again. Feeling desired, emotionally connected, and sexually attracted to someone is one of the best feelings in the world so why cut that feeling off?

   In either case, just remember to keep setting aside time to do things for yourself and come back into your power. What I mean by “come back to your power,” is to find your voice again, uncover your potential, and feel the full capacity of your confidence. This is the strength that helps us get through tough times. 

   
   But also know you mustn’t go about any of it alone. Our loved ones care about us, want to be there for us, and only want us to have what we deserve (greatness). Confide in them!! In times of pain and doubt, they are our emotional shields that help us channel and bring out the best from within. In times of overwhelm, they bring us back to neutral while still reminding us that we’re special and loved.

When You Can’t Trust Your Intuition 

Most of us are creatures of verity – we default to truth and believe that people are sincere, don’t mean harm, and deserve the benefit of the doubt (that is, of course, when it’s benefiting us). 

In regards to dating and being in love, we often don’t trust when we’re feeling a sense of distance, disconnection, non-reciprocated efforts, or “not-thereness.” Rather, we come up with excuses for those yellow flags in order to preserve our feelings and convince ourselves the other person means well, no matter what.

In other words, our rational decision making skills become faulty. If you’ve ever heard yourself say, “but it’s different when it’s just the two of us together…” while all your friends are calling it a “bad vibe,” this is overlooking the yellow flag.  If that is you, then listening to your intuition won’t be the answer.

Likewise, if you’re overly excited — that is, you’re already making future plans after the first or second date, or creating a story that’s far too detailed without your partner/potential partner in agreement — and you believe your friend’s plea to “relax a little” is making you angry…well, you’re overlooking your own yellow flag and your intuition can’t be trusted.

Don’t worry, everyone’s intuition is impaired when strong feelings are involved.

We must trust that we’re simply not a reliable source of rationality when our own excuses become too strong to break. Therefore, we need to allow our emotional support system to be our rock and bring us back to earth. By consciously letting down our defenses and simply taking a second to listen to those we trust and who, at that moment,  have clearer thinking than we do, we are opening a space for our future selves to thank us.

 

Build Yourself Up

I want to refrain from saying “focus on yourself,” because I realize how daunting and confusing that can be. How does one ‘focus’ on themselves? Isn’t that kinda narcissistic? 

It’s not. But I get the confusion so instead we’ll say that we need to “build ourselves up,” and by that I mean: look within to figure out what parts of ourselves need some extra lovin’. 

What are some hobbies you’ve lost touch with? Find yourself within them again. Or explore some new options and rediscover the capacity for joy and fulfillment you can feel within those new activities. 

What stimulates you intellectually? Can you remember some of your favorite ways to improve your mental health? If you’re not sure, set out to find them! (*cough cough* have you traveled lately?! *cough*) 

How can you preserve and nurture the relationships you already have that make you feel accepted and loved for who you are? Who are some people you miss and/or lost touch with? Can you find the courage to reach out and mend old friendships? If not, why? Maybe you can set on a mission to practice building that courage.

Building yourself does not have to be a lonesome endeavor. 

I can’t go on without mentioning that building yourself up is meant to be an exciting venture, but it’s not always a blissful or graceful journey. Building yourself up also means learning how to set boundaries, when to walk away, coming face-to-face with painful trauma, bringing awareness to flawed personality traits that developed from trauma and modifying them, etc. Not always easy, but worth it.

The greatest, most cherished temples/structures/establishments of our time were not built without difficulties. You can prepare to cross bridges as they arrive, but do not allow those bridges to end your journey before it even begins. 

I wish you the best on your adventure, nonetheless. And I wish you all the strength in finding your voice, your worth, and your capacity to feel everything with all of your heart. 

Sending good vibes!<3

XOXO,
Sab♥

Become a Better Tough-Conversationalist

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think we all want (and could use) some more feedback in our lives.

We all want to know when we’ve done something well — like when we’ve led a project with patience and diligence; when we’ve made our partner feel heard and loved; or when our hard-earned sweat is acknowledged by another gym member holding a thumbs up. 

We treasure these smaller moments because they show we’re appreciated, our efforts are recognized, and it motivates us to continue doing that same action. 

Moreover, we can always benefit just as much from the kind of feedback that makes us feel a little awkward…

AKA: tough conversations!

Tim Ferriss coined the quote:

“A person’s success in life can usually be measured by the number of uncomfortable conversations he or she is willing to have.” 

The man was definitely on to something, but what if our past experiences never prepared us for them? So many of us have grown up around constant criticism rather than praise, which makes it much more difficult to be open to harder conversations, let alone being able to start them.

For example, growing up I never learned how to healthily communicate what I thought or felt (or even knew that what I felt mattered in the first place).

Instead, my temper grew as quickly as the tone of my voice when I wanted to be heard; I was all self-defense and never knew how to slow down and simply listen. As tension built, I became easily flustered, cried, and developed an extremely low self-esteem (although my angry voice attempted to convince otherwise). 

My brother, on the other hand, learned an opposite tactic. He learned how to keep his sadness and anger to himself. For him, self-expression never helped a situation, so he kept quiet and took his feelings to his room and numbed them out through media distractions.

In either case, people can learn very quickly that the easiest way to avoid the discomfort that comes with tough conversations (especially when they trigger similar painful mechanisms like the ones my brother and I resorted to) is to avoid any kind of action that might lead to malaise. Then, in turn, we start to see more people ghosting (and being ghosted), more emotional avoidance, and a whole lot of skepticism. In a nutshell, our ability to trust others feels almost nonexistent. 

BUT YOU CAN CHANGE THAT 

By having more tough conversations, we reduce stress, improve performance, build more trust with others, maintain stronger relationships, and grow into more alignment with the life that we truly want. 

YES, that choice — living in alignment with the life we want — is ours. We don’t have control over 100% of life’s happenings, but we absolutely have control over how we react to them — and that’s just as important, if not more! 

What are some ways you avoid discomfort? Did you learn it through your parents? Were there tactics you taught yourself as a means to get by without conflict or reprimand? Take a step back to analyze how you’ve developed; talk to someone about it, read up on it, and/or write about it.

Then, through small steps, try to teach yourself how to get comfortable with the uncomfortable. This is how you will be able to override what you learned in your past with new ways to take control of your life. 

As soon as we have more clarity to see our actions and/or how we can improve them, we can begin to hold more space for self-respect. Holding a higher self-respect exemplifies the standard to which we hold others (remembering that respect is never demanded, but earned). We only have control over ourselves, our thoughts, our actions, and our reactions — which all makes a profound difference in who and what we surround ourselves with, which inevitably plays right back into who we are. 

That quote that goes something like, “you are the average of the five people you spend most of you time with,” is THEE TRUTH.

 

What else to consider in our practice to have more tough conversations…

 

1. There’s a polite way to communicate any message.

Not returning a call to an employer who’s offering a position you don’t want anymore, or ignoring messages from someone who wants to see you again, are not polite ways you “give hints” to convey a message. Even if the message you want to communicate might seemingly upset or disappoint the other party, saying nothing at all is way worse.

These opportunities to practice communicating better are so valuable because it’s how we show respect for ourselves and others; we can all benefit from being a higher quality communicator.

Sure, it might be easy to get lost in the fact that there are plenty of awful communicators around us, and think “well, what’s the use?” Except, they are not you. If we can practice transmitting messages with better care, others will eventually be inspired to do the same. A candle is never dimmed by sharing its light! 

Moreover, you choose who you get to burn bridges with; however, I encourage you, no matter what the circumstance is, to imagine how you’d feel if you were on the other side of that burning bridge. If you can easily justify that you “wouldn’t care,” you really haven’t tried to envision anything.

 

2. Consider how both parties can benefit from having the conversation.

Let’s take it back to the example above: You need to return a call to an employer who just offered you a position you no longer want. 

Sure it’s unfortunate, but by honestly telling the employer you’re not interested anymore you’re granting them the opportunity to pursue other candidates sooner. Not only will they appreciate you for saving their time, but you’re also indirectly helping improve their business ventures. It’s a professional favor in disguise.

The same can be said for telling someone you’re no longer interested in seeing them. It established that you have a higher regard for that person and their time. If they don’t take it very well, that’s their responsibility — not your fault. 

 

3. Use it as an opportunity to practice setting boundaries.

Boundaries are another form of respect to both you and your partner/friend/coworker/boss/etc. Conversations can transpire in a multitude of ways so it’s hard to say exactly how and what to set boundaries on, but the main gist lies within establishing your self-worth by conveying what behaviors are acceptable and unacceptable to you.  

While some instances are more obvious than others, not everyone knows when their actions are “crossing the line.” Remaining calm, letting people know their lack of consideration was unappreciated, and how they can treat you better is an extremely valuable brick when building stronger relationships.

 

4. Faults are easy to correct when you can remember we all make mistakes (including you).

If there was a high standard of perfection placed on us while growing up, we might feel an immense amount of shame for making a mistake. We might also find that this shame we hold from making mistakes gets relayed onto others as we begin to hold them to that same expectation.

Some may argue this is how we motivate people to pay more attention to their actions, but over the long-run, it still damages our ability to trust ourselves, and to trust others, which then places more pressure on them to trust themselves — and the cycle continues. 

When I was young, I knew that sudden loud noises would trigger my Dad. Dropping a glass, for example, meant I could anticipate that I was about to get yelled at. The fear of his anger shamed me into aiming for constant perfection. Later, if my brother was handling a glass, I attempted to hold him to that same kind of expectation. And if he did a bad job, I’d instill the same shame (from distrust) onto him because he was risking both of our butts to our Dad’s whipping!

However, the reality of it is this: is a broken glass really that serious? Was the price I paid for my fear of getting in trouble worth how I treated my brother?
Nope, not even close.

The more we can show others that we trust them, even when they (inevitably and understandably) make mistakes, the better results rendered in performance in the long run AND in the health of our relationships — which is so much more important than broken glass.

 

5. Don’t shut it down! 

Discomfort can feel overwhelming, especially when you’re just starting fresh and easing your way into an intentional practice; however, it’s so so sooooo important to remember NOT to shut it down. 

If you have to walk away from a situation and come back to it when you’re ready, that is setting a boundary. This is okay!

There is nothing wrong with saying, “I’m feeling more flustered than I thought I would, and I need to take a mental break. Can we return to this later?” It’s not always easy in the heat of the moment, but listen to yourself if that’s what you need to do. 

The more we walk away from an unresolved situation and assume that time will fizzle away the awkwardness or pain, we are setting up ourselves and the relationship for failure. This creates more disconnection, animosity, and grudges. Then later, when arguments stir up about who didn’t take out the trash, it won’t actually be about the trash — it’ll be about the four other things that were swept under the rug. 

 

6. Set an intention to practice the habit, not just accomplish the goal. 

Usually when goals are achieved, we can pat ourselves on the back and move on. 

But there is no finish line here. We’re not aiming to be some sort of tough-conversationalist expert. This is an intentional practice. When we practice with intention, our efforts turn into habits, and habits build the foundation of our lives. We don’t practice to be perfect; we practice to make progress. 

 

As long as we can keep trying our best to get better, do better, and be better, we’ll continue to thrive.

I hope this helps in your endeavors!

XOXO,
Sab♥

Get Over Your Body (and Her’s)

We internalize the message that thin is beautiful every single day of our lives, no matter if it’s directly targeted or hidden beneath the surface.

If it wasn’t enough that ads, marketers, influencers, and the general media drowns us in all that’s praised and renders “higher status,” there’s family members making rude comments about larger bodies, friends glorifying the curvier bodies of Instagram, and our own biases while watching various programs where the thinner, more beautifully portrayed characters always acquire “the one.” 

It’s all secretly pinned to the inner parts of our minds, and we swirl in it, conscious or not, all day, everyday. Unfortunately, the way our society is structured keeps us destined to believe it’s us — we’re the problem, we’re just that flawed, and we should be doing everything in our power to fix it.

 

People & Tires

We rarely, if ever, are positive, enthusiastic, or prideful about our body. It’s viewed as conceited, vain, or pompous if we are; however, if it’s about someone else, it’s fine because it’s considered a compliment.

What if we talk negatively about a body? If that body is ours, it’s normal. We’re just being human for identifying our flaws and having insecurities, right? But talking about someone else’s body negatively is rude, impudent, and wrong.

Are we seeing this?

Talk about someone else’s body positively — alright, cool
Talk about someone else’s body negatively — nope, not cool…
Talk about your own body positively — nope, not cool…
Talk about your own body negatively — alright, well…whatever

These societally accepted beliefs are keeping us destined for failure, indulgence, and low self-esteem.

If our sense of self is already negative, then like a punctured tire, we begin to deflate; other areas of our lives are effected by our lack of confidence. As more negative messages scour around us — that is the same way more bumps in the road, bad weather, and pour maintenance collapses a tire — the deeper those messages sink in.

This is why we’ll start to subconsciously believe if we’d just look a certain way, or lose the pounds, or have a bigger butt — whatever — we’ll get the guy, we’ll attract more attention, we’ll be granted more opportunities, we’ll finally be happier…

We are just as vulnerable to falling apart as the worn-out tire. 

Now, cheaper, quicker tire patch ups only work for so long, right? Similarly, positive comments, new diet gimmicks, “flattering” clothes, etc. supply cheap, quick dopamine bursts. We over-look the bigger problem so that we can keep moving right along, as if nothing’s wrong…

…until a bigger bump in the road hits the right spot, at the right time, at the right velocity, and like the tire, we’re worn down even further. 

Had we done the inner work from the beginning, had we done some better maintenance on the tire, maybe things could be different. But some people don’t know much about tires, just like some of us don’t have the resources or guidance to understand what “inner work” even looks like…

 

It Starts with Language 

1. Catch yourself in the act & ask why?

I was on the elliptical machine at my local Planet Fitness a few years back when I saw a girl with long blonde hair pulled back into a high pony-tail, walking toward the Smith machine wearing Neon green Nike shorts and a white cropped sweater hoodie. From what I could make out, her tan didn’t appear natural, her make-up was relatively fresh, and her hair was styled in a messy way, with her bangs falling by the side of her face; a style I gave up trying to replicate because I could never accomplish it.

The best way I could describe her was that she looked like the girls I followed on Instagram.. 

Pft, seriously? I thought. What, is today leg day? Does she need that proper back-breaking selfie for her thousands of followers? 

Then I remembered…

I, too, once wore shorts to the gym — especially on leg days because I sweat a ton — so why was I getting so worked up?

I, too, like to take selfies from time to time and post them for the several followers I have, so who cares if she’s no different?

I, too, like to feel decent when I go to the gym at a time I know good-looking men will be present, so why am I being such a hypocrite?

Because, at the time, I had put on weight and was too insecure to wear shorts, to take selfies, or to look a good-looking man in the eye.  

I had to realize this for myself, and it wasn’t easy but it was absolutely necessary.

I soon learned that it was never my weight that needed “healing,” it was my confidence, my perspective on the world, and the meaning I held about true love and relationships.

 

2. Acknowledge & Move On

When in the presence of an enviable figure/aesthetic, make a promise to yourself to stop putting the person down. If you begin detecting a sense of jealousy toward said presence, then simply acknowledge it with a compliment; however, steer that compliment away from their figure/aesthetic. For me, this looked something like, “her hair looks really cute styled that way; ooo, I like the color of her leggings; she’s really working hard at her workout!”

Then, move on.

One thing I personally find that happens often is someone else in the group will draw attention to the “hot girl.” Other times family will be watching something on TV and make praising comments all the same: Wow, look at that…I wish I could look like that…Dang, she looks so great…I want her body…I hope one day I can be that hot….

or…

She thinks she looks good?…do you see what he’s wearing? Oh my gosh, they lost so much weight…that doesn’t look good at all!

Friends, family, strangers — STOP THIS.

It’s okay to compliment, and acknowledge, but stop dwelling. And if you have nothing nice to say: DON’T SAY IT ALL! (Isn’t that what our parents taught us growing up??)

Change the subject & move on to something more productive. That’s it.

 

3. Enough with negative self comments

“Ugh, I’m so fat…”
“Look at how bloated I am…”
“Dude, do you see this…” *pinches hips* “…how do I get rid of this?”

I can go on and on about the ways in which people, women especially, will poke, prod, and emphasize various parts of their bodies with plain disgust laced in their voices. But what are we really doing when we make these comments? 

More than likely, all we want is a band-aid to go over our ego; just someone to say…

“No you’re not! Don’t say that!”
“Oh my gosh stop…I wish I looked like that when I was bloated.”
“Girl, you’re curvy. Own it!” 

Good friends will hype-up her sister-from-another-mister, but is that all we need? Just a quick boost? And is searching for that validation really all that innocent? 

When we complain about parts of ourselves that aren’t “up to par,” we are emphasizing that there is a “good” and “bad” way to be, or look. This happens quite often with before-and-after pictures. We affirm that there’s a preferable, more desirable, way to be or look, and it only further damages those who are watching and listening (as well as ourselves).

I can initially look at a woman and think, “she looks great!” but as soon as she starts pointing out that she’s fat, she’s bloated, she has this new thing called “hip-dips,” or considers her arms too big, I will likely stare at my similar body parts and start to question the difference…Well if that looks “bad,” what do mine look like?

As if being bloated is so bad (when in reality, it’s a natural bodily function).
As if the anatomy of the hips were just God’s curse for all women (when in reality, it’s just how we’re all made, not a defect).
As if being fat is the worst thing a person could be (when in reality, being a rude, disrespectful, inconsiderate, a cheater, and/or a liar are far worse).

We can get each other out of this cycle by being a little more careful about how we think, and how we verbalize what we’re thinking.

We can help one another dig deeper into the issue rather than covering up the problem with sticky-tack.

We can start setting an example by praising the qualities we’re proud of about ourselves, and make space for others to do the same for themselves.

And we can continue reminding our friends and family that their body was never the reason we chose to love them as much as we do in the first place — it’s because of who they are.

And that’s exactly why they love us, too.

XOXO,
Sab♥

Dating & the False Sense of Connection

It’s no secret just how disconnected we are because of smart phones and social media. We’re instantly gratified by the notifications reading, “New match!” or “So-and-so responded to your story.” Plus, the endless options right at our finger-tips is convenient! We rarely have to wait for anything anymore. 

Over the last couple of years I felt my social-anxiety rising because I was hooked on these specific bursts of dopamine. For “self-help” purposes, I set out on an experiment to be more social, and while I did well in different areas of my life, eventually, I set off on a new project and started dating.

This was a whole new beast.

To clarify, I met a good chunk of dates online. It’s easier to start conversations with five different matches in one night than it is to meet five different guys at a few bars.

What I found, though, is that it’s easy to start small talk with new people in college, begin a conversation with someone in line, and pass a quick ‘hi’ to the cute guy at the gym, but it’s hard to find and interpret a real connection with people.

Here’s how it goes: Person A finds themselves texting back and forth with Person B. There’s a melody of great rapport being set so they set a date to meet — unless they met in person first, then they continue to hang out for the night. One of the two (maybe both) find a nice click. That click feels like cloud nine; it feels like connection, closeness, and a lots of good vibes…

until…
…until one never hears from the other, and they are left to wonder what went wrong.

I’m not talking about being ghosted here; I’m strictly talking about falling for that false sense of connection, that false sense of closeness, and getting hurt too easily, too quickly.

 

It’s Never Because of One Thing

Of course shit happens — maybe Person A’s ex-partner came back into the picture; maybe one felt a connection while the other was losing feelings; maybe the unspoken pressure to continue with the pursuit of romance in mind was too much for Person A and not texting back for weeks was the best way they knew how to say “I’m not ready for that yet;” maybe Person B was just horny and once they got back into a homeostatic state-of-mind, they questioned whether they really liked Person A as much as they thought…

Feelings are weird, emotions are tricky, and we’ve all been screwed over in a way that has messed with our heads a little (or a lot) — and that’s okay. 

But is this false sense of connection just a part of dating?
Are some of us just more vulnerable and quicker to settle than others?
Has our craving for instant gratification really taken over that much of our psyche?

Or is my (and maybe your) definition of “connection” just too open-ended?

 

 

We Need to Learn How to Slow All the Way Down

“Good things take time,” they said.
“Be patient, it will come when it’s meant to,” they added.

We all subconsciously have these messages running around us for good reason. However, most of us have also grown up reading novels about quick, relentless, and undeniable love. We witnessed love at first sight, and watched an entire love-story develop in under two hours. We’ve fallen head-over-heels for the main character, and pictured what our love life would look like if we could also just say the right thing, at the right time, to win the right person. 

And don’t forget, the grand majority of us wake up surrounded by convenience. Our coffee is made quickly, we drive to work quickly, our WiFi connects quickly — and if it doesn’t, well HOLD MY COFFEE, KAREN, WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

When our entire lives revolve around instant gratification, convenience, and speed, our love lives and how we treat new relationships are inevitably included.

~

I spent a looot of my dating life in 2019 thinking it was me…and to be honest, it was — just not in the same sense as I had thought. 

See, who we are and what we look like isn’t the problem. Having a perfectly thin, sexy body, the trendiest style, the nicest car, or the most flawless beauty will never guarantee any of us the love life we desire — we know this.

But until we can reunite and find solid ground with ourselves emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, we will only continue to attract people who are emotionally unavailable, mentally distant, and spiritually lacking. 

In so many words, we’re all a little fucked up. But we’re walking through a fucked up world wondering when we’re going to be fixed, and who is going to fix it.

We end up falling for false connections, or completely overlooking a true connection, and getting hurt for not being understood…
We lose hope in finding love, convinced it’s the fault of our helpless generation and how lost we all get in the unlimited options that make us believe the grass is always greener on the other side…
We’re misled into believing we’re just that unlovable…

You and I both know, somewhere at the bottom of our heart, that we just want to be seen. True love is about trusting someone enough to reveal the parts of ourselves that we’re scared to bring to light, but until we can accept and manage to love those deeper, stickier, complex parts of ourselves, we will never be able to fully reveal them to someone else, nor will we be able to accept and fully see someone else’s. 

 

We Need To Do the Work Ourselves

Whatever the answer may be for each individual, we need to get used to the idea of slowing down, practicing patience, and taking our time. It’s the only way we’ll be able to find what part(s) of ourselves needs more attention, needs more care, and perhaps needs more time to heal. Another person cannot, and will not, do that for us. 

Maybe the whole “love yourself” thing is cliche, and maybe it feels annoying, but there’s a reason why that message keeps finding its way back into our everyday lives…

In a world that is advancing incredibly fast, I’d encourage you to slow down.

Take your time getting to know yourself. 

Read. Reflect. Exercise. Meditate. Pray. Draw. Write. Cry. Cook. Sleep. Knit. Stretch. Whatever it may be, take a step back and do the work. 

Your future self, and your future love, will thank you.

 

XOXO,
Sab♥

The Year of Radical Acceptance

It’s November……..
anyone else looking back on 2019 like,

“what the actual frick was that?”

I knew as early as mid-January that this year was going to be a hard one. I’m not a pessimistic person by any means, but sometimes when you know, you just know.

It started off with the rapidly growing instability of my parents relationship and the daily fighting it created between all of us. Added on soon after was the anxiety around my internship and the fact that’d I’d never find a proper job in my field. And if I wasn’t dealing with the heavy emotions of family issues or the post-graduate crisis, it was because I was miserable at my desk receptionist job — which is where I forced myself to spend the rest of my living hours just so I could make a little pinch of extra money.

[Side note: It should be illegal for internships not to pay their interns. Period.]

Without hesitation, I stole every available weekend evening that I had and ran with it, but not that advantageously. I went to EDM shows, drank a ton, shuffle danced across the sticky floors, and started online-dating — but really, I wasn’t actually “dating” because I was getting ghosted more often than not.

If that wasn’t enough, it turns out chronic stress mixed with alcohol and emotional-eating will demolish your strength gains, and instead, turn into chub gains…so my performance in the gym and my body- image went way down hill.

 

But I accepted it…

Not in the I-Give-Up kind of way, but more of a This-Is-Just-That-Point-In-Life-That-Isn’t-All-Roses-And-Daisies-So-Let’s-Get-Through-It-The-Best-Way-We-Know-How kind of way. Reminding myself that this wasn’t my “forever” place was really what made all the difference. By experiencing my “worst-self,” I started to find out what it felt like to feel like my “best-self.”

Of course, I didn’t like all of my mechanisms for coping. I wasn’t proud that drinking and allowing poor behaviors from strangers I met online was what I traded for just a few moments numbed-out of reality and high on desire. But by accepting these versions of escape, and letting myself experience the lows of the consequences, I learned exactly what I didn’t want and just what I’d no longer tolerate from anyone else, or myself, ever again.

Luckily my journaling, my SwoleSab Instagram account, my incredible therapist, and my supportive friends all helped me see that I was better than my circumstances. They forced me to look on the brighter side even in the darkest of moments, and they helped me see my worth when I felt like I had none.

 Those super sh*tty times were exactly what pushed me to make strides toward the life I wanted for myself.

I didn’t want to accept working at a desk job I didn’t like.
I didn’t want to accept the typical post-grad routine of find a job, move out, find a partner, start a family, retire, done (obviously it’s not that cut and dry, but still…)
Then, when my parents decided to stay together and move to a new house and city that was too far from my friends, I didn’t want to accept that either…(at least not yet).

What I did want was to develop more as a person, to evolve in an entirely different way, to find deeper meaning. I wanted change, a real escape; I wanted true novelty.

Over the summer, ?I quit my desk job and accepted a subbing position at my internship, picked up as many babysitting hours as possible, saved every single $20 bill my grandparents slipped me, and researched incessantly how to become a long-term au-pair abroad.

Long story short, I found and accepted the family I’d be moving to Spain to work with. And before I left, I took a spontaneous trip to New York City (to prove I still had that solo-traveler in me), as well as a stressful trip to Chicago for a Visa (that got declined), and endured an incredibly eye-opening weekend at Electric Forest music festival where I lost one of my closest friends (not physically — we just decided to go our separate ways).

I accepted those experiences, and despite the fears I accumulated from them, I booked my trip to Poland, Spain, and Thailand anyway.

 

Learning How to Accept the Challenges That Came with Traveling

Just because one is traveling doesn’t mean that problems fade, troubles dissipate, and everything is a fun-for-all. In fact, I’d argue that there tends to be even more stresses and difficulties to overcome; they’re just a different kind of beast.

Nonetheless, it was really important for me to get away for a long period of time. To reset. To take a break. To rediscover myself and my potential, without distraction, and in an entirely different way. So I accepted the hardships that were coming before I knew what they even were.

The first couple of weeks in Poland were unexpectedly SUPER slow and only made me more anxious. I was nervous about what my experience as an au-pair was going to be like, what living with a new family was going to be like, and what the people I met along the way were going to be like.

Then I got to Spain and my emotions continued on an even loopier roller-coaster.

I immediately started questioning if I was doing enough as an au-pair, even though I was really burnt out. Setting boundaries and adjusting to the children’s behaviors were tricky (especially because they were raised and disciplined differently than I was; I had to respect that I was ultimately the intruder in their living space so it would take them a while to get used to me, and I had to figure out a dynamic in which I could connect with them).

If that wasn’t enough, I was really hard on myself for not learning Spanish “fast enough” because I was constantly speaking English with the family.

Outside of the au-pair life, I had a really rough time meeting people to befriend. I downloaded Bumble again — something I vowed I wouldn’t do. I let it slide anyway because the intentions were different. I wasn’t trying to date anyone, I just wanted to hang out with people my age and practice my Spanish.

I only met one cool guy who did just that, but as soon as our friendship began, it had to end as he was starting school and couldn’t meet.

I didn’t rely on Bumble though, so the nights I could, I would let my spontaneous energy take over, head out solo, and find new friends. Those night were successful BUT — here’s the caveat: the people I met were always tourists.
AKA: people who ended up leaving me to continue their travels the next day.

In both scenarios, I was triggered. The story and reasons were different, but the outcome was the same: I felt like I was being ghosted all over again. Same same but different…you know? 

But I had to accept it. I mean, what other option did I have? 

So that’s what I did…

• I accepted my uncertainty with the family in Spain, and it made me a better communicator.
• I accepted the children’s energy, changing moods, and varying behaviors, and it helped me learn how to connect with them better.
• I accepted the language barrier, and it motivated me to work harder in class, study as often as possible (like listening to Spanish podcasts while the kids played in the park, or watching Spanish YouTube videos before bed, and speaking as much as I could at the cafes, bakeries, and stores that I went to), and I started to notice my slow improvement.
• I accepted when my friend from Bumble was too busy to see me, and this helped me to stop taking things so personally and associating other people’s phase/feelings/circumstances in life as a result of me doing/saying something wrong, or not being “good enough.”
• I accepted that I couldn’t rely on people from home to always be available to me when I was feeling lonely or sad, and it helped me build new skills around learning how to sit with my anxiety, loneliness, and sadness until they passed.
• I accepted the fact that pain is highly necessary and doesn’t need to be fought off and viewed as “bad.” It’s normal and only helps navigate us toward better things in life.
• And finally, I accepted the little weight gain I accumulated over the year because I stopped worrying so much about other’s experience of me, and shifted my focus to how I was experiencing me. Not to mention, it helped me build completely new relationships with exercise and food.

 

So what’s going to happen when it’s time to go home? 

I don’t know…and I’m okay with that.

Surely, I’m slowly starting to accept that it will be time for me to build a new life again when I return back to the states…

-new family dynamics
-getting to know the new home, city, and neighbors
-finding a new job
-researching programs so I can continue on to grad-school
-visiting all the friends I’ve missed so much
-celebrating the holidays with all of my family
-figuring out how to continue keeping up with my language-learning
-establishing new routines, habits, and practices to reconnect with my Swole-Sab self
-and probably more…

But we’ll see!

I simply plan to cross those bridges when I get there and accept the challenges, the novelty, and the excitement that come with them the best way I now know how…

 

I suppose all of this is to say that it doesn’t matter if you feel like you’re in the darkest times of your life…you are not your circumstances and you do have more worth, potential, and abilities than you think. Your life can and will change, but it’s up to YOU to make it for the better.

 

Wherever you’re at in the world right now, you’re not alone. Happy Monday, and enjoy your week! ♥

XOXO,
Sab

Sending high vibes from the tops of [windy] Mount Igueldo in San Sebastian!