Hacks to Happiness: Who Is Our Highest Self & How Do We Reach Them?

Talking about our “highest” self isn’t a discussion brought up too often — unless we’re in a dispensary…

buh-dum-tsss.

 

So who is our “Highest Self?” What does it mean? 

 

Our highest self is our deepest intuition. It’s the part of us that works from insight, excites inspiration, and guides us with intention — so long as we choose to listen and remain in connection with it. 

Other terms for it are our “value-guided self,” our “wisest self,” our “inner self,” and even “our gut instinct” — and I will be exchanging these terms as I continue this post so do not be confused; they all refer to the same deeper part of our conscious. 

In any case, the name is meant to emphasize that our thoughts and consciousness run deeper than what is presented on the surface. That’s because we don’t see someone’s deepest or wisest self through their race, ethnicity, status, or trendy, flashy things. We only see it based on the example they set and how they treat both others and themselves. Our highest self is our own individual guiding principle that leads us toward what we value most, and that’s cultivated through lots of self-reflection and action. 

With the amount of distractions, temptations, and loud noise we experience on a daily basis from family, friends, professors, media, society, cultural beliefs, religious values, and even our own combative thoughts, it requires quite some energy to deflect all the clamor and dig deeper into what we believe, what change we want to see in the world, and what it will take from us to go after, or become, that. 

 

Building A Connection with Your Highest Self 

 

Introspection is built just like a muscle. The more we use it, the stronger it gets. 

We have to remind ourselves to be still, to listen, and to practice blocking out the distractions when we are listening to our value-guided self. Some examples of what this may look like are: 

• following through with what you said you’d do for someone — even when it turns out to be an inconvenience
• following through with what you said you’d do for yourself — even when it turns out to be an inconvenience 
• not playing by dating game rules everyone seems to encourage because you know deep down you’d rather find a love more mature and genuine than that 
• telling your boss you’re too swamped on other projects to take on a new one (#boundaries)
• granting yourself a weekend of space and the true rest and recovery you need instead of going out with friends or filling your schedule with things you feel you “have” to do
• scheduling a time away from work, school, or other obligations just to go out with friends and have fun
• partaking in the activities you love to do, or want to try, regardless if you’re good at them or not
• fighting and being an advocate for movements you’re passionate about 
• standing up for what you believe in, for yourself, and for others in the face of affliction

 

The more we listen to our value-guided / highest- / wisest- self and go forth with intention, we’ll notice the reward from our practice. 

Just think back to the first time you started your current favorite hobby. Perhaps you felt uncoordinated, a little disjointed, and maybe even a little embarrassed about your ignorance around the activity. When I first started bodybuilding the exercise I loathed, but knew I needed to do, were pull-ups. I had to remind and push myself to do them at least every other day because as hard as they were, I knew I wanted to get better at them so they could strengthen my other lifts.

There were days I skipped them completely because I listened to the noise in my head saying they’re too hard…you’re tired today…you’re probably not even going to get 1½…just do them next time. However, the more I blocked out that noise, that is the more diligent I was with keeping up my practice, the stronger I felt myself becoming. Eventually, I felt that strength begin to seep into my other lifts; it improved my posture, and let’s be real, I felt like a bad ass. Eventually I came to love Back-and-Bis Day.  

Watching how our confidence and self-trust evolves (through the act of making value-guided decisions and going after what we truly desire to see, and be, in this life) is a powerful feeling. Smaller acts of meditation, reflection, and action add up to bigger acts of kindness and confidence, and eventually we come to enjoy the process and develop a gratitude for the situations we’re put in. We begin to trust ourselves and our ability to handle them, more and more. 

However, it should be mentioned that this doesn’t mean we can reach a “rite of passage,” so to speak, that automatically grants us an easy-peasy life. To consistently improve, we must consistently practice.   

 

When Your Highest Self Leads You Toward Consequence 

**These two statements are incredibly important to remember, so please do not skim over this.**

***

1. We only know what we know when we know it.

Slow down. Read that again: we only know…what we know…when we know it.

 

2. We cannot know what we don’t know until we know it.

Alright. One more time: we cannot know…what we don’t know…until we know it. 

***

Just because we listen to our value-guided self doesn’t mean we will know the outcome of a situation. And it certainly doesn’t mean we will always be right! That’s because our value-guided self can only lead us toward what we currently know and believe is the best decision.

The hardest part of listening to our highest self is not, in fact, the process of listening and going after something; the hardest part is overcoming the fear that somewhere in that process we could be wrong; it’s overcoming the fear that we could be disturbing the peace and very well be making others uncomfortable.

In first grade, there was a boy who consistently teased and picked on me and although I picked back, he almost always got away with it. One day during group time, he mouthed the words “fuck you” to me (I couldn’t make this up if I wanted to). I quickly interrupted the session and yelled out, “[he] just said the f-word to me!!” And unfortunately, we both got detention. Yeup, my first detention ever because I decided I would tolerate that boy’s meanness no longer!

Silly as it seems, there is something to be said about the fact that telling my teacher about him is what I knew, in that moment, would grant me the justice I deserved. Sure, in the end, as a consequence we both received detention, but I learned that next time I’d make sure to wait until after group time to seek justice. 

The issues I faced as a seven year old seem minor to my now 23 year old self, but the practice of refining what my wisest self knows is a demonstration that remains the same.  When there are consequences to our value-guided behavior, we can trust that our wisest self will always lead us toward what we believe to be right and we will survive through, learn about, and take educational advantage of our mistakes.

And if others become uncomfortable, let them stay that way. Our discomfort is an opportunity to explore our biases, our fears, and our insecurities. Our discomfort is our own responsibility, not someone else’s. Therefore, in pursuing what your wisest, highest self is leading you toward, bare in mind that ensuring everyone else is comfortable is not, and will never be, part of your journey.

 

Measuring Your Success 

 

So many of us base success on the outcome of a situation. Whether that be on someone’s response (or lack thereof), people’s reactions, if a proposal goes through, if we get the job, or get accepted into a program — the list is endless.

But what if we determined success on our ability to show up in a value-guided way.

The goal is to be clear about our values and be intentional about how we live up to them –  for ourselves, for our relationships, for strangers, and especially for those we may not agree with. We needn’t be perfect in our pursuits; we simply need to do the best we can. And if that turns out flawed, we pursue the next right thing.

Lisa Laughman, a social worker from Michigan State University, said it perfectly in her recent webinar:

“I get to navigate my mistakes whole heartedly and in a value-guided way. And then I get to like myself better over time [while] holding way less emotional baggage.”

– Essential Skills for Navigating Difficult Times (Session: 6/6) –

Notice the verbiage: we get to navigate our mistakes. We needn’t see it as a burden, but rather an advantage, a gift. And that’s a powerful way to look at our shortcomings because what we do holds just as much importance as the language we use around it.

^^^

Holding Space for others & Their Highest Selves

 

During difficult moments when someone is honoring their emotions in your presence, they are placing a sacred trust in you by sharing that experience with you. The most important thing for any one of us to do when that person is uncomfortable, hurting, and confused are the following three things:

1. Remove any judgement

This is not a proper time nor is it your place to offer personal opinions. However strongly you feel about a situation, put it on hold for a while. Simply be there with that person; remain present.

Suspend any comments that resemble things like,

– See, I told you this would happen…
– I wish you would have listened to me…
– There’s nothing you can do about it now so it makes no sense to cry…
– Please don’t be upset…
– Look at the bright side; things could be so much worse…
– Well at least you — …

2. Don’t fix, do validate 

When holding space for another person, our main job is to listen. It’s super important we demonstrate that we care about how that person is feeling. We don’t need to be the problem solver, the fixer, the I’ll-Make-Everything-All-Better man; we just need to identify how a person is feeling and attempt to empathize with it.

Appropriate comments sound more like,

– What you’re going through is really hard…
– I can only imagine how painful this must be for you…
– So what I’m hearing you say is ___…am I hearing that right?
– I might not know what’s the best thing to say, but know that I am here for you…

3. Understand the situation through their lens, not yours.

An incredibly profound quote from Allyson Dinneen says, “Wanting people to feel better isn’t helpful if it is our idea of ‘better’ and not theirs.”

Holding space for another person is not a means of fixing, judging, or evaluating what you think the outcome should look like. Empathy is a means of attempting to understand an experience through their eyes, and through their eyes only. This means we need to be asking more questions than we are making statements.

How you would’ve attempted to handle the situation does not help, it does not validate, and it certainly does not make someone in a vulnerable state feel better.

Questions you can ask that might propel some self-reflection without offering answers or refuting their feelings sound like,

– Who established the rule you’re having around how you’re feeling?
– What would you like to do about this?
– What is the next best thing you can do for yourself now?
– I’m proud of you…will you call me to let me know how it went?

---

I wanted to write this post without bias toward any specific relationship to religion, witchcraft, or zodiac signs, but it’s worth mentioning that tapping into our highest self is a lifelong practice and study that even monks and spiritual gurus today have a hard time describing. Meditation and quietness is encouraged so much across so many spiritual practices because we cannot get through difficult times when our thoughts and emotions are stuck in the obnoxiously dark and discouraging stores of our mind. 

We must remember that while our practice is individual and unique, we are and always will be support systems for one another. Our power to help others and ourselves lies solely within our ability to be present, to encourage without judgement or attitudes of superiority, and to remind each other that no matter what, we can be reliable foundations of love, calmness, and acceptance whenever the going gets tough.

If we can hold this kind of safe space for ourselves, we can do that for others; and in doing so for others, we strengthen and improve our ability to do it for ourselves. It’s a cycle.

Building a connection to your inner gut instinct is a skill, and it’s a contagious one at that. By listening, you bestow a gift of trust to yourself, and you bestow a gift of permission for others to give to themselves. And I’ll say, witnessing the reward that comes from doing so, especially when we use it to navigate difficult situations, is a pretty happy experience, indeed.

New Baltimore, Michigan 

Sending you joy going into the week!

XOXO,
Sab

Falling Too Hard, Too Quick – And What to Do About It

I’m sure you can think back to a story (Harry Potter? Judy Blume?), a poem (Edgar Allen Poe? Robert Frost?), or even a text (An old ex? A best friend?) that evoked a particular emotion within you.

Whether it was surprise, fear, guilt, inspiration, excitement — whatever feelings those words developed within you was pure proof that you don’t have to love reading in order to understand just how much of an impact words have on your thoughts and feelings.

This is because words have the power to change our perception of reality.

In order for us to comprehend our situations, to better understand what we’re experiencing, we create stories all the time. Body language, facial expressions, and tones of one’s voice help to create a clearer path to the story building. 

If we don’t have enough data or information to go by, the brain doesn’t leave blank spaces — it fills in what we think should be or might be what fits, and we roll with it (*cough cough* how we make assumptions *cough*).  

In dating, this is evident, because we constantly build stories around what we think we know.

Say you meet a guy or gal who attracted you by their style, their demeanor, their confidence, etc. and so you began to create a sort of “story” about them — which includes a mixture of guesses and desires to paint a more understandable picture of who you wanted and hoped they’d continue to be. Say you match with someone online — same thing happens except the difference is instead of a physical being, you use their pictures to help decipher what their presentation says about them. As conversations develop, you paint a picture based on what you want to see, what you want to feel, and the hope that all of your conclusions are correct as you progress.

First, please just remember: this is h u m a n  &  n o r m a l.

I find so many of us (myself most definitely included) believing that the one’s who can resist believing in or falling for their story are somehow “superior” because they didn’t have to suffer rejection, or the pain of having been “wrong” in their story. But these people didn’t get hurt because they weren’t really feeling anything at all.

Feeling nothing is not any better than feeling “too much.”

It seems like an attractive shield of protection to “not catch feelings,” but no healthy or admirable relationship ever flourished from the act of resistance. Ever. Period. We can feel excited, and then we can feel like we might have been wrong and that is okaaaaaaay! Feelings are simply feedback — and we cannot be closed off, stiff, or rigid to them because then we’ll never feel the full capacity of what it means to love someone.

What we can do is build skills around checking-in when those feelings are too heavy, overwhelming, or uncontrollable, and regulate them in a way that remains true to who we are and what we’re experiencing.

 

Regulate Before You Aggregate 

When we’re just getting to know someone we’re attracted to, feelings become overwhelming. We gather their kind words, gestures, and minor behaviors like collectibles which get stored in the cabinets of our minds. AKA: pieces of the story.

My goal here is not to strip this excitement from anyone (dating is meant to be f u n — believe it or not). My goal is to remind you to look inward and reset if necessary. 

Oftentimes we’re easily swooned by the butterflies that are ignited from the flirty texts, cute emojis, the random memes, or Snapchats, etc. And sometimes we’re easily swayed from the lack thereof! We can enjoy the feeling or be a little worried, but then we must gently remind ourselves to come back to center. 

3 Steps to Emotional Regulation in Dating:

1. Self Awareness – Mind & Body
   Excitement is a very healthy and outstanding feeling to have. It lights a fire of energy, usually in the form of “butterfly” flutters and angst. To get a better handle on it without shutting ourselves down (that’s not what this is meant to do), we need to exert that energy into something else.
   
   It can be through movement — dancing, stretching, running, boxing, etc. OR gaining control through meditative breathing. We can bring ourselves back to center by following the 4-7-8 technique, Nadi Shodhana (alternate nostril breathing), or even just taking 5 minutes to breath in sync with this captivating geometric movement (I’d recommend slowing it down to .75, though).
   
   On the same token we can sense when a situation feels off. Our intuition can tell when we’re experiencing sarcasm, passive-aggressiveness, lack of consideration, kindness, or simply not being heard. Sometimes we create excuses for these behaviors instead of approaching them with respect and expressing our concerns. We cannot suppress, numb, or play it off as a means to distract the feeling. We must acknowledge it and name it out loud, otherwise we’re not being true to ourselves – which will only cause more distress down the road.
    
2. Switching Roles
   Reversing the current roles being played out is key to bring more perspective to a situation. If you’re feeling off, or even if you sense you’re becoming head-over-heals for someone you just met, imagine that being your best friend, brother, sister, cousin or even parent bringing their concerns to your attention.

   How would you respond to them? What would your best advice to them be?
   
   Chances are you already have the answer. Listen to that. 

3. Self Compassion & Emotional Support
   There could be a chance we don’t have enough information or data and the anxiety we’re feeling about a situation was stirred up from past experiences. There could also be a chance that we know what’s best for us, but we don’t want to accept it yet. That pain is valid. Let yourself feel it. 

   Perhaps we’re just super thrilled to be back in the game again. Feeling desired, emotionally connected, and sexually attracted to someone is one of the best feelings in the world so why cut that feeling off?

   In either case, just remember to keep setting aside time to do things for yourself and come back into your power. What I mean by “come back to your power,” is to find your voice again, uncover your potential, and feel the full capacity of your confidence. This is the strength that helps us get through tough times. 

   
   But also know you mustn’t go about any of it alone. Our loved ones care about us, want to be there for us, and only want us to have what we deserve (greatness). Confide in them!! In times of pain and doubt, they are our emotional shields that help us channel and bring out the best from within. In times of overwhelm, they bring us back to neutral while still reminding us that we’re special and loved.

When You Can’t Trust Your Intuition 

Most of us are creatures of verity – we default to truth and believe that people are sincere, don’t mean harm, and deserve the benefit of the doubt (that is, of course, when it’s benefiting us). 

In regards to dating and being in love, we often don’t trust when we’re feeling a sense of distance, disconnection, non-reciprocated efforts, or “not-thereness.” Rather, we come up with excuses for those yellow flags in order to preserve our feelings and convince ourselves the other person means well, no matter what.

In other words, our rational decision making skills become faulty. If you’ve ever heard yourself say, “but it’s different when it’s just the two of us together…” while all your friends are calling it a “bad vibe,” this is overlooking the yellow flag.  If that is you, then listening to your intuition won’t be the answer.

Likewise, if you’re overly excited — that is, you’re already making future plans after the first or second date, or creating a story that’s far too detailed without your partner/potential partner in agreement — and you believe your friend’s plea to “relax a little” is making you angry…well, you’re overlooking your own yellow flag and your intuition can’t be trusted.

Don’t worry, everyone’s intuition is impaired when strong feelings are involved.

We must trust that we’re simply not a reliable source of rationality when our own excuses become too strong to break. Therefore, we need to allow our emotional support system to be our rock and bring us back to earth. By consciously letting down our defenses and simply taking a second to listen to those we trust and who, at that moment,  have clearer thinking than we do, we are opening a space for our future selves to thank us.

 

Build Yourself Up

I want to refrain from saying “focus on yourself,” because I realize how daunting and confusing that can be. How does one ‘focus’ on themselves? Isn’t that kinda narcissistic? 

It’s not. But I get the confusion so instead we’ll say that we need to “build ourselves up,” and by that I mean: look within to figure out what parts of ourselves need some extra lovin’. 

What are some hobbies you’ve lost touch with? Find yourself within them again. Or explore some new options and rediscover the capacity for joy and fulfillment you can feel within those new activities. 

What stimulates you intellectually? Can you remember some of your favorite ways to improve your mental health? If you’re not sure, set out to find them! (*cough cough* have you traveled lately?! *cough*) 

How can you preserve and nurture the relationships you already have that make you feel accepted and loved for who you are? Who are some people you miss and/or lost touch with? Can you find the courage to reach out and mend old friendships? If not, why? Maybe you can set on a mission to practice building that courage.

Building yourself does not have to be a lonesome endeavor. 

I can’t go on without mentioning that building yourself up is meant to be an exciting venture, but it’s not always a blissful or graceful journey. Building yourself up also means learning how to set boundaries, when to walk away, coming face-to-face with painful trauma, bringing awareness to flawed personality traits that developed from trauma and modifying them, etc. Not always easy, but worth it.

The greatest, most cherished temples/structures/establishments of our time were not built without difficulties. You can prepare to cross bridges as they arrive, but do not allow those bridges to end your journey before it even begins. 

I wish you the best on your adventure, nonetheless. And I wish you all the strength in finding your voice, your worth, and your capacity to feel everything with all of your heart. 

Sending good vibes!<3

XOXO,
Sab♥