Hacks to Happiness: Who Is Our Highest Self & How Do We Reach Them?

Talking about our “highest” self isn’t a discussion brought up too often — unless we’re in a dispensary…

buh-dum-tsss.

 

So who is our “Highest Self?” What does it mean? 

 

Our highest self is our deepest intuition. It’s the part of us that works from insight, excites inspiration, and guides us with intention — so long as we choose to listen and remain in connection with it. 

Other terms for it are our “value-guided self,” our “wisest self,” our “inner self,” and even “our gut instinct” — and I will be exchanging these terms as I continue this post so do not be confused; they all refer to the same deeper part of our conscious. 

In any case, the name is meant to emphasize that our thoughts and consciousness run deeper than what is presented on the surface. That’s because we don’t see someone’s deepest or wisest self through their race, ethnicity, status, or trendy, flashy things. We only see it based on the example they set and how they treat both others and themselves. Our highest self is our own individual guiding principle that leads us toward what we value most, and that’s cultivated through lots of self-reflection and action. 

With the amount of distractions, temptations, and loud noise we experience on a daily basis from family, friends, professors, media, society, cultural beliefs, religious values, and even our own combative thoughts, it requires quite some energy to deflect all the clamor and dig deeper into what we believe, what change we want to see in the world, and what it will take from us to go after, or become, that. 

 

Building A Connection with Your Highest Self 

 

Introspection is built just like a muscle. The more we use it, the stronger it gets. 

We have to remind ourselves to be still, to listen, and to practice blocking out the distractions when we are listening to our value-guided self. Some examples of what this may look like are: 

• following through with what you said you’d do for someone — even when it turns out to be an inconvenience
• following through with what you said you’d do for yourself — even when it turns out to be an inconvenience 
• not playing by dating game rules everyone seems to encourage because you know deep down you’d rather find a love more mature and genuine than that 
• telling your boss you’re too swamped on other projects to take on a new one (#boundaries)
• granting yourself a weekend of space and the true rest and recovery you need instead of going out with friends or filling your schedule with things you feel you “have” to do
• scheduling a time away from work, school, or other obligations just to go out with friends and have fun
• partaking in the activities you love to do, or want to try, regardless if you’re good at them or not
• fighting and being an advocate for movements you’re passionate about 
• standing up for what you believe in, for yourself, and for others in the face of affliction

 

The more we listen to our value-guided / highest- / wisest- self and go forth with intention, we’ll notice the reward from our practice. 

Just think back to the first time you started your current favorite hobby. Perhaps you felt uncoordinated, a little disjointed, and maybe even a little embarrassed about your ignorance around the activity. When I first started bodybuilding the exercise I loathed, but knew I needed to do, were pull-ups. I had to remind and push myself to do them at least every other day because as hard as they were, I knew I wanted to get better at them so they could strengthen my other lifts.

There were days I skipped them completely because I listened to the noise in my head saying they’re too hard…you’re tired today…you’re probably not even going to get 1½…just do them next time. However, the more I blocked out that noise, that is the more diligent I was with keeping up my practice, the stronger I felt myself becoming. Eventually, I felt that strength begin to seep into my other lifts; it improved my posture, and let’s be real, I felt like a bad ass. Eventually I came to love Back-and-Bis Day.  

Watching how our confidence and self-trust evolves (through the act of making value-guided decisions and going after what we truly desire to see, and be, in this life) is a powerful feeling. Smaller acts of meditation, reflection, and action add up to bigger acts of kindness and confidence, and eventually we come to enjoy the process and develop a gratitude for the situations we’re put in. We begin to trust ourselves and our ability to handle them, more and more. 

However, it should be mentioned that this doesn’t mean we can reach a “rite of passage,” so to speak, that automatically grants us an easy-peasy life. To consistently improve, we must consistently practice.   

 

When Your Highest Self Leads You Toward Consequence 

**These two statements are incredibly important to remember, so please do not skim over this.**

***

1. We only know what we know when we know it.

Slow down. Read that again: we only know…what we know…when we know it.

 

2. We cannot know what we don’t know until we know it.

Alright. One more time: we cannot know…what we don’t know…until we know it. 

***

Just because we listen to our value-guided self doesn’t mean we will know the outcome of a situation. And it certainly doesn’t mean we will always be right! That’s because our value-guided self can only lead us toward what we currently know and believe is the best decision.

The hardest part of listening to our highest self is not, in fact, the process of listening and going after something; the hardest part is overcoming the fear that somewhere in that process we could be wrong; it’s overcoming the fear that we could be disturbing the peace and very well be making others uncomfortable.

In first grade, there was a boy who consistently teased and picked on me and although I picked back, he almost always got away with it. One day during group time, he mouthed the words “fuck you” to me (I couldn’t make this up if I wanted to). I quickly interrupted the session and yelled out, “[he] just said the f-word to me!!” And unfortunately, we both got detention. Yeup, my first detention ever because I decided I would tolerate that boy’s meanness no longer!

Silly as it seems, there is something to be said about the fact that telling my teacher about him is what I knew, in that moment, would grant me the justice I deserved. Sure, in the end, as a consequence we both received detention, but I learned that next time I’d make sure to wait until after group time to seek justice. 

The issues I faced as a seven year old seem minor to my now 23 year old self, but the practice of refining what my wisest self knows is a demonstration that remains the same.  When there are consequences to our value-guided behavior, we can trust that our wisest self will always lead us toward what we believe to be right and we will survive through, learn about, and take educational advantage of our mistakes.

And if others become uncomfortable, let them stay that way. Our discomfort is an opportunity to explore our biases, our fears, and our insecurities. Our discomfort is our own responsibility, not someone else’s. Therefore, in pursuing what your wisest, highest self is leading you toward, bare in mind that ensuring everyone else is comfortable is not, and will never be, part of your journey.

 

Measuring Your Success 

 

So many of us base success on the outcome of a situation. Whether that be on someone’s response (or lack thereof), people’s reactions, if a proposal goes through, if we get the job, or get accepted into a program — the list is endless.

But what if we determined success on our ability to show up in a value-guided way.

The goal is to be clear about our values and be intentional about how we live up to them –  for ourselves, for our relationships, for strangers, and especially for those we may not agree with. We needn’t be perfect in our pursuits; we simply need to do the best we can. And if that turns out flawed, we pursue the next right thing.

Lisa Laughman, a social worker from Michigan State University, said it perfectly in her recent webinar:

“I get to navigate my mistakes whole heartedly and in a value-guided way. And then I get to like myself better over time [while] holding way less emotional baggage.”

– Essential Skills for Navigating Difficult Times (Session: 6/6) –

Notice the verbiage: we get to navigate our mistakes. We needn’t see it as a burden, but rather an advantage, a gift. And that’s a powerful way to look at our shortcomings because what we do holds just as much importance as the language we use around it.

^^^

Holding Space for others & Their Highest Selves

 

During difficult moments when someone is honoring their emotions in your presence, they are placing a sacred trust in you by sharing that experience with you. The most important thing for any one of us to do when that person is uncomfortable, hurting, and confused are the following three things:

1. Remove any judgement

This is not a proper time nor is it your place to offer personal opinions. However strongly you feel about a situation, put it on hold for a while. Simply be there with that person; remain present.

Suspend any comments that resemble things like,

– See, I told you this would happen…
– I wish you would have listened to me…
– There’s nothing you can do about it now so it makes no sense to cry…
– Please don’t be upset…
– Look at the bright side; things could be so much worse…
– Well at least you — …

2. Don’t fix, do validate 

When holding space for another person, our main job is to listen. It’s super important we demonstrate that we care about how that person is feeling. We don’t need to be the problem solver, the fixer, the I’ll-Make-Everything-All-Better man; we just need to identify how a person is feeling and attempt to empathize with it.

Appropriate comments sound more like,

– What you’re going through is really hard…
– I can only imagine how painful this must be for you…
– So what I’m hearing you say is ___…am I hearing that right?
– I might not know what’s the best thing to say, but know that I am here for you…

3. Understand the situation through their lens, not yours.

An incredibly profound quote from Allyson Dinneen says, “Wanting people to feel better isn’t helpful if it is our idea of ‘better’ and not theirs.”

Holding space for another person is not a means of fixing, judging, or evaluating what you think the outcome should look like. Empathy is a means of attempting to understand an experience through their eyes, and through their eyes only. This means we need to be asking more questions than we are making statements.

How you would’ve attempted to handle the situation does not help, it does not validate, and it certainly does not make someone in a vulnerable state feel better.

Questions you can ask that might propel some self-reflection without offering answers or refuting their feelings sound like,

– Who established the rule you’re having around how you’re feeling?
– What would you like to do about this?
– What is the next best thing you can do for yourself now?
– I’m proud of you…will you call me to let me know how it went?

---

I wanted to write this post without bias toward any specific relationship to religion, witchcraft, or zodiac signs, but it’s worth mentioning that tapping into our highest self is a lifelong practice and study that even monks and spiritual gurus today have a hard time describing. Meditation and quietness is encouraged so much across so many spiritual practices because we cannot get through difficult times when our thoughts and emotions are stuck in the obnoxiously dark and discouraging stores of our mind. 

We must remember that while our practice is individual and unique, we are and always will be support systems for one another. Our power to help others and ourselves lies solely within our ability to be present, to encourage without judgement or attitudes of superiority, and to remind each other that no matter what, we can be reliable foundations of love, calmness, and acceptance whenever the going gets tough.

If we can hold this kind of safe space for ourselves, we can do that for others; and in doing so for others, we strengthen and improve our ability to do it for ourselves. It’s a cycle.

Building a connection to your inner gut instinct is a skill, and it’s a contagious one at that. By listening, you bestow a gift of trust to yourself, and you bestow a gift of permission for others to give to themselves. And I’ll say, witnessing the reward that comes from doing so, especially when we use it to navigate difficult situations, is a pretty happy experience, indeed.

New Baltimore, Michigan 

Sending you joy going into the week!

XOXO,
Sab

Where Self-Sabotage & Emotional Suppression Intersect

Have you ever had feelings about your feelings? My educated guess is…yes.

Whether is was self-resentment for being angry at a situation, or feeling guilty for being sad or anxious, we’ve all been pushed into some sort of discomfort over a feeling we couldn’t control having. 

**Thanks to Dr. Marc Brackett who coined the term, we know this as meta-emotion. (You can read more about the details of meta-emotions in his new book).**

So why do we do this? What does having feelings about our feelings do for us? Well, in short, denying our feelings (or judging ourselves for having them) is easier — it’s our “short-cut to safety.” We use rejection in so many aspects of our lives because without an issue, we don’t have to investigate what caused it, where it came from, or how to prevent it from happening again. This is why our patterns repeat themselves, even when we don’t like it. It’s what we know and our knowing is what keeps us comfortable. 

For example…

If your parents keep waking you up Saturday mornings when it’s your only day to sleep in, it makes sense to be irritated at their inconsideration….

If the guy you’ve been texting all of a sudden decides to stop responding two days before the plans you’ve both made, you have every right to feel betrayed & angry at his flakeyness…

If your boss constantly picks at your faults in projects, even after you have completed a number of accomplishments that benefited theirs and the company’s name, well…anyone would feel naturally upset and hurt for the lack of  appreciation!  

So it’s easier to just tell ourselves…

“I shouldn’t be so upset with my parents…why do I let them get to me like this?”

“How did I not see this coming? I shouldn’t be so bothered. I’m the one who keeps making the same mistake…” 

“My boss has been doing this for months now; I should be used to it. I just need to ignore it…”

In order not to appear weak, “look stupid,” or show any sort of “care” for a situation, we remain silent. We keep those deeper, more complex feelings to ourselves. 

 

First thing is first:
our feelings are never, ever a mistake!

 

Conflict is uncomfortable, sure. Communicating boundaries with others is uncomfortable, yes. Trying to state how you feel to someone in higher authority is uncomfortable, absolutely. But you know what’s worse than that? Living a life based off of obedience, passive-aggression, and lack of true and genuine connection with ourselves and the people we’re surrounded by. 

 As Brene Brown reminds us, “Emotions don’t go away…[they] are not benign; they [simply] metastasize.” Feelings get pushed down and eventually develop into a tension or heaviness in our gut, our lower-back, our neck, or our heart; placement varies from person to person. Nevertheless, in turn we end up having two types of people: those who blame others and push them away through slight narcissism, rude demeanor, conflict progression, and sarcasm, OR those who blame themselves and their own character and never building enough self-trust or compassion to experience their full potential.

In either case, often-times distraction-mechanisms are adopted into activities such as sitting on social media or watching series for hours on end, unwinding with several beers or glasses of wine per night, abusing other substances, and/or partaking in destructive and inappropriate sexual behaviors — all as an escape from reality and a quick ego-boost. 

It’s not so much about treating the by-products of meta-emotions and emotion-suppression that we should be attempting to “fix.” None of us are broken. We simply need to heal from the inside out, and that starts by realizing: every single time we reject our natural emotions and our right to feel whatever comes with them, we’re sabotaging ourselves. We demolish our own wall of trust, we become less efficient at listening to our intuition, and we don’t actually find a healthy way to set boundaries or alter the pattern.

 

So how do we alter the pattern? 

 

• Watching how we speak to others
  None of us ever meant harm when we told our friends “you shouldn’t feel this way,” “snap out of it,” or “you’re better than, smarter than, or stronger than this.” Ultimately, our friends will offer the same kind of “help” in return; however, these types of phrases only really do two things: 1) they invalidate how one is feeling, and 2) they remind the person that they, in fact, are not “better, smarter, or stronger” than their circumstance because of how they already feel.
  
  For example, when I’m sad about the flakey dude, the last thing I want to hear is “Sab, you’re better than this. It’s his loss, don’t worry about it so much” because in this event where I can’t help my frustration, disappointment, and broken-heart, I’m internalizing the fact that I must not be “better” than it either. And well…don’t we all hate hearing, “don’t worry ‘bout it” when we’re in the midst of worrying?! — Like, Oh gee, thanks! Didn’t think of that! 
  
  So through all of this, my natural emotions are associated with even more discomfort; I feel worse for naturally feeling shitty — which only makes me want to hide and suppress those feelings the next time they arise. 
  
  Instead, we can be more empathetic by trying to relate to the situation at hand, and at the very least, validate our friends’ feelings — that way we also know we’re allowed to validate our own. In my case, hearing, “I know this experience hurts, and you have every reason to feel angry. What can I do to help?” is much more productive for my mental well-being and it gives me space to feel the sadness, disappointment, and frustration. That permission to feel gives me a sense of safety so that I can fully acknowledge those natural emotions and eventually let them leave my body. 
  
  ** For the hot-shots who are thinking, “but how else does a person grow thicker skin?” I would like to remind you that thick-skin is not a result of pretending feelings don’t exist. Thick skin is a result of healthy confidence, trust, knowing one’s self-worth, and understanding there is no shame in constant self-improvement; however, we learn to grow these skills at best through community, through loving and caring  relationships, and through doing the work — not by disregarding people and their feelings.
  
  
  
• Expression
  Shame festers and grows in the darkness, but it can no longer live when it’s brought to light. In my experience, the most effective way I express myself is through talking to a trusted friend, relative, therapist, counselor, coach, or mentor, and through writing about it.
  
  Understandably, this doesn’t work for everyone, but there’s a million ways we can express ourselves. It is part of our self-care efforts and personal responsibility to find it. It can be through movement (lifting weights, boxing, Tae-kwon-doe, Yoga, dance, etc) and meditation. We can express ourselves through art, creating content (like videos or blog posts much like this one), or making music.
  
  Find your outlet!
  
  
  
  
• Dig Deeper
  Understanding the self, where our habits and tendencies originate from, can uncover so much self-discovery. The more we understand — that is, the more information we can work with — the better we can figure out how to modify our habits and behaviors. It becomes easier to pinpoint certain emotions when they’re being triggered and cultivating healthy ways to respond to them when they arise.
  
  Reading books, articles, and blogs, listening to Ted Talks, Podcasts, and certain YouTubers are a start. Journaling about our experiences so we can become more self-aware and better visualize our patterns are even bigger steps.
   
  
  
• Practice setting boundaries early
  It never helps to wait for people to “catch on” or “to get the hint…” NEVER! It also never helped to wait until we were at our wit’s end to explode on a person. That’s because it is no one’s responsibility to figure out how we perceive or feel about a situation; it is our responsibility to know about it and tell them. So in a world where most people do not practice setting boundaries, it is an exceptionally respectable act to witness someone who does.
  
  It’s as simple as saying, “Hey…please don’t take it personally, I’m just going to go for a walk by myself today. I just need a little alone time.”  — Instead of proceeding on an walk leaving both you and your partner uncomfortable and tense.
  
  Or, “I appreciated your company today. I just want to be honest and let you know I didn’t feel a chemistry between us.” — Instead of ghosting. 
  
  Setting smaller boundaries now helps build a foundation to create bigger boundaries later when necessary. You can read more about it here.

See, I envision a world where we can respectfully ask our parents to leave us alone on Saturday mornings, so we can get our precious sleep…

Where we can feel the total experience of frustration when yet another boy (or girl) disregards our time so we can give our energy to a more respectable person or a different project…

And where we can assert boundaries so that the efforts we pour into our careers, the importance in our role and in our being, are fully appreciated.

Can you see that, too? ‘Cause if so, it starts with you.

XOXO,
Sab♥

 

Humdrum & Happy

I like the extraordinary…wait, wait, wait….scratch that.

I love the extraordinary.

Nothing is quite as inspiring as the stories of lives lived non-conventionally, adventurously, and fully.

It gives off a feeling of opportunity: If he can do it, why can’t I?

It gives off a feeling of intrigue: Why don’t I?

It gives off a feeling of excitement: This is incredible. 

 

But then it gives off a feeling of confusion: Wait, am I doing enough?

After, a feeling of defeat: How can I do more?

Finally, a feeling of failure: I’m wasting time.

We’re surrounded by people doing extraordinary things everyday. They’re sharing accomplishments, transformations, and memories made in unique destinations. It’s undoubtedly encouraging, sometimes motivating, and always entertaining.

But what if we, ourselves, are not achieving anything incredibly remarkable? What if we’re not making impressive changes or living every single moment with enthusiastic rigor or attempting smaller acts of heroism?

Are we failing at living a good life? Are we, in fact, wasting time?

Not necessarily.

 

There is an attractive nature in finding peace with routine.
With accepting the average.
With simply being.

The painful pressure to be above average is self-inflicted. We needn’t make simple tasks more complex for the sake of feeling unique, and thus accomplished. We forget that our immediate surroundings, relationships, and daily regimens have everything we might need. And if they don’t, then certainly we can make adjustments accordingly, but it doesn’t have to be extra outstanding or uncommon to feel like we’re doing it “right. “

We’re exposed to lavish aesthetic; we bask in it and we allow others to profit off it. And that’s okay. How else would our world go round? How else would society function? But while our vision for a perfect world is not universal, our ability to find peace and excitement within the mundane is.

Perhaps some of us have to search extra hard. We might even find the tedious act of practicing gratitude to be irritating and hopeless. But in the end, our efforts are not in vain.

As our lives slow down in attempts to remain socially distant; as we find ourselves inside, craving that flashy stimulation, obsessing over all the things we can no longer do; let us practice the art of simply being.  Let us take time to appreciate our homes, our health, our relationships, and even our boredom. Let us take time to explore everything we’ve been distracted from, and improve upon that. Let us recognize the greatness of our humdrum lives now so that when the reigns are lifted again, we can feel how extraordinary we are, and have always been.

 

Body Neutrality

I’ve noticed recently that it has been a while since I’ve thought negatively about my body — or at least, negatively enough to cause an entire mood to change.

Yet…

I can still remember a time when I’d wake up daily and let my entire demeanor be dictated by whether I felt “lean enough” that morning or not.

I remember, if I didn’t, I’d push my breakfast off until noon, or later — at least until my stomach grumbled hard enough for me to feel like I “deserved” to eat.

I remember when I’d go to the gym, and no matter how confident I might have felt on that particular day, if I saw another girl who appeared leaner and/or had more muscle, I’d obsess over her in my mind thinking, “why can’t I look like that?”

I remember how gut-wrenchingly hurt and jealous I was when people at social gatherings commented on my Mom’s weight loss, how strong she looked, and how disciplined she was and completely overlooked me (even though I ate nearly the same things and worked out just as hard as her).

I can still vividly remember the countless number of times I cried myself to sleep because I thought I’d never look like the women I admired on the internet. 

 

Yet, again, here I am… 

Content and unbothered by my morning reflection in the mirror.

Content and aware of my eating patterns and how they affect my body.

Content and generous toward my body’s needs.

Content and proud for other women and their strength. 

Content and pretty near comfortable in my OWN skin — with all it’s blemishes, flaws, and it’s uneven consistency.

 

Years of practicing gratitude in various ways, constantly reminding myself in vulnerable times that my body had nothing to do with how I was feeling, and remembering to fully capture the moments I felt the most connected with myself and my friends/family — whether I was feeling lean or not — is what has made all the difference.

Continuing to be open to self-expansion is the best things we can do for ourselves when it comes to achieving body neutrality.

We capture certain details differently, we interpret information on separate levels, and we appreciate various aspects of our surroundings through diverging angles. Letting ourselves explore and experiment with different ways to love our body not only improves the way we listen to our body but it also develops accurate ways around how we respond to it. And that’s how we build confidence.

For example, I’m well aware of my body’s signals exactly one week prior to my menstrual cycle based off my energy levels, cravings, emotions, and mental clarity. I won’t guess that it’s because of my period; I know it’s because of my period. Therefore, I plan my week accordingly and mentally prepare myself for when it comes.

Becoming as comfortable as possible with the moments that makes us think “this feels completely silly,” makes us focus on going inward. We become more intuitive around what makes us tick – like when we feel awkward, connected, uneasy, and loved. We begin to understand the why behind it. And if we know this, then our self-perception naturally finds neutrality, self-acceptance, and finally, unconditional love.

I wish for you to find just that.

XOXO,
Sab ♥

 

P.S. Not to get confused – the featured photo is of the side of my hip and leg while lying on my back; taken at Playa de Salvaje in Bilbao, Spain, last Fall. My stretch marks, razor bumps, and tan-lines still remain. ☺️

Become a Better Tough-Conversationalist

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think we all want (and could use) some more feedback in our lives.

We all want to know when we’ve done something well — like when we’ve led a project with patience and diligence; when we’ve made our partner feel heard and loved; or when our hard-earned sweat is acknowledged by another gym member holding a thumbs up. 

We treasure these smaller moments because they show we’re appreciated, our efforts are recognized, and it motivates us to continue doing that same action. 

Moreover, we can always benefit just as much from the kind of feedback that makes us feel a little awkward…

AKA: tough conversations!

Tim Ferriss coined the quote:

“A person’s success in life can usually be measured by the number of uncomfortable conversations he or she is willing to have.” 

The man was definitely on to something, but what if our past experiences never prepared us for them? So many of us have grown up around constant criticism rather than praise, which makes it much more difficult to be open to harder conversations, let alone being able to start them.

For example, growing up I never learned how to healthily communicate what I thought or felt (or even knew that what I felt mattered in the first place).

Instead, my temper grew as quickly as the tone of my voice when I wanted to be heard; I was all self-defense and never knew how to slow down and simply listen. As tension built, I became easily flustered, cried, and developed an extremely low self-esteem (although my angry voice attempted to convince otherwise). 

My brother, on the other hand, learned an opposite tactic. He learned how to keep his sadness and anger to himself. For him, self-expression never helped a situation, so he kept quiet and took his feelings to his room and numbed them out through media distractions.

In either case, people can learn very quickly that the easiest way to avoid the discomfort that comes with tough conversations (especially when they trigger similar painful mechanisms like the ones my brother and I resorted to) is to avoid any kind of action that might lead to malaise. Then, in turn, we start to see more people ghosting (and being ghosted), more emotional avoidance, and a whole lot of skepticism. In a nutshell, our ability to trust others feels almost nonexistent. 

BUT YOU CAN CHANGE THAT 

By having more tough conversations, we reduce stress, improve performance, build more trust with others, maintain stronger relationships, and grow into more alignment with the life that we truly want. 

YES, that choice — living in alignment with the life we want — is ours. We don’t have control over 100% of life’s happenings, but we absolutely have control over how we react to them — and that’s just as important, if not more! 

What are some ways you avoid discomfort? Did you learn it through your parents? Were there tactics you taught yourself as a means to get by without conflict or reprimand? Take a step back to analyze how you’ve developed; talk to someone about it, read up on it, and/or write about it.

Then, through small steps, try to teach yourself how to get comfortable with the uncomfortable. This is how you will be able to override what you learned in your past with new ways to take control of your life. 

As soon as we have more clarity to see our actions and/or how we can improve them, we can begin to hold more space for self-respect. Holding a higher self-respect exemplifies the standard to which we hold others (remembering that respect is never demanded, but earned). We only have control over ourselves, our thoughts, our actions, and our reactions — which all makes a profound difference in who and what we surround ourselves with, which inevitably plays right back into who we are. 

That quote that goes something like, “you are the average of the five people you spend most of you time with,” is THEE TRUTH.

 

What else to consider in our practice to have more tough conversations…

 

1. There’s a polite way to communicate any message.

Not returning a call to an employer who’s offering a position you don’t want anymore, or ignoring messages from someone who wants to see you again, are not polite ways you “give hints” to convey a message. Even if the message you want to communicate might seemingly upset or disappoint the other party, saying nothing at all is way worse.

These opportunities to practice communicating better are so valuable because it’s how we show respect for ourselves and others; we can all benefit from being a higher quality communicator.

Sure, it might be easy to get lost in the fact that there are plenty of awful communicators around us, and think “well, what’s the use?” Except, they are not you. If we can practice transmitting messages with better care, others will eventually be inspired to do the same. A candle is never dimmed by sharing its light! 

Moreover, you choose who you get to burn bridges with; however, I encourage you, no matter what the circumstance is, to imagine how you’d feel if you were on the other side of that burning bridge. If you can easily justify that you “wouldn’t care,” you really haven’t tried to envision anything.

 

2. Consider how both parties can benefit from having the conversation.

Let’s take it back to the example above: You need to return a call to an employer who just offered you a position you no longer want. 

Sure it’s unfortunate, but by honestly telling the employer you’re not interested anymore you’re granting them the opportunity to pursue other candidates sooner. Not only will they appreciate you for saving their time, but you’re also indirectly helping improve their business ventures. It’s a professional favor in disguise.

The same can be said for telling someone you’re no longer interested in seeing them. It established that you have a higher regard for that person and their time. If they don’t take it very well, that’s their responsibility — not your fault. 

 

3. Use it as an opportunity to practice setting boundaries.

Boundaries are another form of respect to both you and your partner/friend/coworker/boss/etc. Conversations can transpire in a multitude of ways so it’s hard to say exactly how and what to set boundaries on, but the main gist lies within establishing your self-worth by conveying what behaviors are acceptable and unacceptable to you.  

While some instances are more obvious than others, not everyone knows when their actions are “crossing the line.” Remaining calm, letting people know their lack of consideration was unappreciated, and how they can treat you better is an extremely valuable brick when building stronger relationships.

 

4. Faults are easy to correct when you can remember we all make mistakes (including you).

If there was a high standard of perfection placed on us while growing up, we might feel an immense amount of shame for making a mistake. We might also find that this shame we hold from making mistakes gets relayed onto others as we begin to hold them to that same expectation.

Some may argue this is how we motivate people to pay more attention to their actions, but over the long-run, it still damages our ability to trust ourselves, and to trust others, which then places more pressure on them to trust themselves — and the cycle continues. 

When I was young, I knew that sudden loud noises would trigger my Dad. Dropping a glass, for example, meant I could anticipate that I was about to get yelled at. The fear of his anger shamed me into aiming for constant perfection. Later, if my brother was handling a glass, I attempted to hold him to that same kind of expectation. And if he did a bad job, I’d instill the same shame (from distrust) onto him because he was risking both of our butts to our Dad’s whipping!

However, the reality of it is this: is a broken glass really that serious? Was the price I paid for my fear of getting in trouble worth how I treated my brother?
Nope, not even close.

The more we can show others that we trust them, even when they (inevitably and understandably) make mistakes, the better results rendered in performance in the long run AND in the health of our relationships — which is so much more important than broken glass.

 

5. Don’t shut it down! 

Discomfort can feel overwhelming, especially when you’re just starting fresh and easing your way into an intentional practice; however, it’s so so sooooo important to remember NOT to shut it down. 

If you have to walk away from a situation and come back to it when you’re ready, that is setting a boundary. This is okay!

There is nothing wrong with saying, “I’m feeling more flustered than I thought I would, and I need to take a mental break. Can we return to this later?” It’s not always easy in the heat of the moment, but listen to yourself if that’s what you need to do. 

The more we walk away from an unresolved situation and assume that time will fizzle away the awkwardness or pain, we are setting up ourselves and the relationship for failure. This creates more disconnection, animosity, and grudges. Then later, when arguments stir up about who didn’t take out the trash, it won’t actually be about the trash — it’ll be about the four other things that were swept under the rug. 

 

6. Set an intention to practice the habit, not just accomplish the goal. 

Usually when goals are achieved, we can pat ourselves on the back and move on. 

But there is no finish line here. We’re not aiming to be some sort of tough-conversationalist expert. This is an intentional practice. When we practice with intention, our efforts turn into habits, and habits build the foundation of our lives. We don’t practice to be perfect; we practice to make progress. 

 

As long as we can keep trying our best to get better, do better, and be better, we’ll continue to thrive.

I hope this helps in your endeavors!

XOXO,
Sab♥